


The Gambler

by fridarules, naniquena



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1985, 80's Music, 80's hairstyle, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Beating, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bullying, Closeted Dean, Coming Out, Destiel - Freeform, Female Homosexuality, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sex, Growing Up, Homophobic Language, I don't want to give spoilers, Insecure Dean Winchester, Male Homosexuality, Multi, Non-Vampire Benny, Openly Gay Castiel, School Dances, Sexual Content, Taking slow, The 80s AU, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2018-04-25 13:54:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 86,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4963165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridarules/pseuds/fridarules, https://archiveofourown.org/users/naniquena/pseuds/naniquena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a ladies' man and he's currently dating the infamous Rhonda. Castiel is the new guy in school, all sassy and gorgeous. Sam and Jess have the perfect relationship. Will everything remain the same after Cas and Dean meet?</p><p>I want to tell you. Cas is 17 for a few chapters. But Dean it's just 18.  That's why the underage. But there's no Anal involved in the underage sex<br/> </p><p>Based on this.   <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT-5NY83OYI">Fun - The gambler</a> We heard it and it ticked us.</p><p>THIS IS NOT ABANDONED - 50% OF THE FIC IS ALREADY WRITTEN. - WE'VE BEEN HAVING SOME BETA PROBLEMS LATELY BUT WE HOPE THEY WILL BE SOLVED SOON. LOVE U ALL. PLEASE, KEEP TELLING US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS.<br/>Update: 03/08/2017 STILL NOT ABANDONED. WE ARE FINISHING OUR LAST BIG BANG. THIS TIME A SABRIEL. YOU CAN READ IT IN 10 DAYS. SO PLEASE REMEMBER. WE DO NOT FORGET YOU.<br/>Update 04/25/2017. We are back on a regular posting. We will be posting every other week. Thanks for the patience.<br/>Update 01/27/2018: We are not abandoning this. We have just too much on our hands. I'm so sorry this is taking too long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1985 - Iowa City – High School prom preparations.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Un-beta for the moment
> 
> Dean stands under the shade of the tree by the shed. The quietness of Sunday afternoon has always been his favorite part of the week; coffee mugs in his hands and the sight of his partner on his knees doing the garden. Their garden.
> 
> Castiel squints up when the sunlight on him gets clouded. There’s perspiration on his forehead that he wipes off with the back of his hand without putting the shears down. There’s dirt all around, plants waiting to be planted and Castiel’s smiling as he takes his coffee mug.

**Los Angeles - present time**

Dean stands under the shade of the tree by the shed. The quietness of Sunday afternoon has always been his favorite part of the week; coffee mugs in his hands and the sight of his partner on his knees doing the garden. Their garden.

Castiel squints up when the sunlight on him gets clouded. There’s perspiration on his forehead that he wipes off with the back of his hand without putting the shears down. There’s dirt all around, plants waiting to be planted and Castiel’s smiling as he takes his coffee mug.

“Slow down, we've got time left to be lazy. All the kids have bloomed from babies into flowers in our eyes. We've got 50 good years left to spend out in the garden. I don't care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die.”

“Oh, God, you’re on poet mode today… Just ten more minutes, Baby. I need to finish this or you know I’ll get all obsessed about it.” Castiel takes one of the seedlings and turns to put it in the ground before continuing talking. “Besides, these beauties won’t plant themselves. Won’t take too long though. Go on and start the fire, would you? Oh, I put the burgers on the last rack of the fridge, take the plate out. They need to be room temperature”

“Whoa, Blue! Lecturing me as if I’ve never made burgers before? As if I didn't teach you how to cook thirty years ago." Dean leans down and ruffles Cas’ hair. “But it’s all right. I’ll peel the potatoes, too. I crave fries today.” Cas smiles and nods, taking a sip of coffee before turning back to gardening.

With Dean slowly moving away the sun shines on Cas’ back again, so he has to squint when he turns to watch him go. He has always liked that view. “You do that. I’ll be there in five, Babe.”

Dean stops by the door frame. He leans against it and takes another look at Cas. He’s in one of those days where he can’t seem to get enough of him. He smiles at the sight of his partner devotedly placing the plants into the ground. It’s going to be 25 years in a month. Dean still finds it hard to believe. He shakes his head at his own thoughts. At 48 he’s still a stubborn and strong man… except when it comes to his love for this man, to that blue-eyed angel that saved him in so many ways.

Ways that nobody else but them know; they’ve gone through so much together, from really high to incredibly low. No matter what happened on the way, regardless of how much they had to fight to get here, their love is strong and he still loves Castiel just like the very first day –no, scratch that- he loves Castiel even more. Prompted to tell the truth he’d have to say that he probably loves Castiel more than he loves Sam and that is big deal. Sam was all Dean had until Castiel came to rescue him from his misery; so yeah, Dean’s a sap about Cas and he doesn’t even care.

Cas is the love of his life.

* * *

 

**1985 – Iowa City – High School prom preparations.**

Dean knocks on the bathroom door. “C’mon Sammy! The hell are you doing in there?” He bangs his fist on it: one, two, three times. Not a sound from the inside. “I gotta pick up Rhonda in 30 minutes! Hurry up or we won't stop for Jess on our way. Sammy, I’m serious! I’m gonna leave you here! SAAAAAAAAMMMMEH!!!”

“God, Dean, stop it! I’m ready, all right?” Sam gets out of the bathroom with a triumphant smile.

“What the hell did you do with your hair?” Dean half huffs, mocking.

Sam checks himself on the mirror once again, “You like it? It’s John Taylor style.”

“John who?” Dean winces.

“You know, the bass player from Duran Duran,” Sam patiently says.

“Oh, I don’t listen to pop groups.” Dean shrugs.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. The ‘they are lame, dude’ speech is getting old.” Sam rolls his eyes. He moves his head to check the sides of his hair, combing it with his fingers to make it keep its form. “I like it, and it’s too late to do anything about it anyway… unless you wanna be late to pick up Rhonda.”

“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. And they are totally lame, dude.”

“No, they’re no. They are, like, totally bitching. Let’s bounce, it’s getting late.” Sam bumps his shoulder against Dean’s as he goes by. “And stop calling me Sammy. I was never chubby and I’m definitely not 12. I turned 16 last May, Jerk.”

“Bitch” Dean replies instantly, “Let’s bounce then. Rhonda gets mad when I’m late and we still need to pick up Jess on our way. Call her up and tell her we’ll be there in 6 minutes and that if she’s not waiting outside, we’re ditching her. You make the call while I start Baby.”

Sam takes the phone and yells at Dean as he dials. “We’re not ditching my girlfriend, Dean! She’ll be--Oh, hey, Jess...”

Sam jumps on shotgun and bitchfaces while Dean makes fun of his hair until they're almost there at Jess'.

“Seriously, Sammy…” Dean trails off, taking one last turn to stop in front of Jess’ home.

Sam forgets about Dean’s mocking and shotgun and hairstyling. He gets out, kisses Jess on the cheek and opens the back door for her. He takes his place next to her. Through the rearview mirror, Dean watches the way they look at each other. He’s happy for his baby brother. He likes Jess.

Rhonda was not waiting outside. Dean rings her doorbell and she comes out. She’s  immediately clinging to his neck, pecking him and smiling against his lips.

“Take me dancing all night long.” Rhonda takes his hand and lets Dean open the car door for her.

At the prom, they patiently wait for their photo; being this the first prom for Jess and Sam and the last one for Rhonda and Dean, photos are a must.

“This party is gunna be crunk” Jess shouts, barely audible over the music.

“Yeah, whatever,” Dean and Rhonda dismissively say at the same time.

Jess snorts amused, “OH GOD. Like, you’re so like each other. Like you are so WOW.”

Dean can’t reply to that because there’s a shout coming from their right, a girl says “Hey stud!” waving at Dean and laughing her way to the dance floor.

“You SLUT! Bag your face!”  Rhonda shouts back and Dean is positive that she would be doing more than shouting if he wasn’t holding her arm.

“C’mon, Baby, don’t listen to her. My eyes are only for you,” Dean coyly says and leads her to dance after their picture is taken.

They stop at the middle of the dance floor and begin to move, laughing and enjoying the music and the crowd. They greet a few friends, then they see Lisa arriving with a new guy.

That’s the moment everything changes for ever.

Sam hasn’t seen the boy before, and he’s curious. He comes to the conclusion that since Dean is BFF with Lisa, he probably knows him, so he asks his brother “Who’s he?”

“Who?” Dean asks, looking around to where Sam is nodding.

“That one! The guy dancing with Lisa.”

Dean finally sees him from behind and shrugs. He’s about to turn back to face Rhonda when the guy takes a spin and Dean’s dragged into those blue eyes. His heart skips a bit.

Dean has always been drawn to both sexes since as far as he remembers, from the very beginning when he started feeling attraction to other people he had eyes for both boys and girls alike. And yet coming out is not gonna be easy for him. The only person that actually knows is Rhonda, and she doesn’t judge, that’s one of the reasons Dean sticks with her.

She’s funny, beautiful, confident and freaking bold. Yet this guy makes Dean crumble to pieces with just a look across the dance floor. Rhonda noticed.

“C’mon, lover boy, let’s go talk to him.” Rhonda takes Dean’s arm and tries to lead him towards Lisa and the guy.

“What?” Dean stops cold, scowling at her.

“The guy dancing with Lisa… you’re star struck. He’s hot, so no wonder. Wanna go take a closer look?” she says as quietly as the music allows her.

“Oh, no, Rhon… he’s got perfect blue eyes and all but…” Dean trails off.

Rhonda whispers into his ear, “Nobody will know, Dean. I’ll be looking at him while you talk to your BFF. C’mon, let’s go”

Rhonda has to virtually drag him across the room to accidentally bump into Lisa. Rhonda plays surprised while Dean looks at his own feet for a few seconds before acknowledging Lisa and her friend.

“Hey, Lis, s’up?” Dean greets Lisa without looking at Blue eyes.

“Fantabulous!” She kisses his cheek.

“S’up? Dean.” he extends his hand to the new guy to shake.

“I’m good, thank you” he shakes Dean’s hand, “My name’s Castiel” the guy smiles a gummy smile and Dean knows he’s fucking doomed. Dean feels sparks flying from their joint hands and, even if he knew nothing of romance, it was love at second sight.

“Cas-tiel? Weird name, Pal” Dean puts on his coyest smile.

“Yeah, I know… my fathers have a weird sense of humor. I got three older brothers and we’re all named after angels. You’ve got Lucifer, Gabriel, Balthazar and me, Castiel, angel of Thursdays”

“Uh… wait. Fathers? Your parents, you mean? And Lucifer? Really? They hated him or something?”

“Nah, they’re just eccentric, or so they think… most beautiful angel and all that. And yes, I said fathers; I got two male parents, papa Robert and Dad Richard. They’re fostering me and my brothers since I was one year old and Baz was two. They got to name us even though they can’t adopt us”

“Oh, that’s so not fair! It’s a bunk!” Rhonda intervenes.

“Isn’t it?” he acknowledges her for a second before turning to talk to Dean again, “ And yet, since nobody would try to separate two sets of brothers we’re safe. Gabriel is my blood brother and Luci is Baz’. Once, some years ago, they tried to take away Luci and Baz to two different homes and Luci ran away; it took days to find him. That convinced them not to try again.” Castiel continues to share, Dean finds it amusedly adorable, “Now, every six months the Agency sends someone to check on us. They seem to be under the impression that two gay men could turn us gay. Yeah, like that has anything to do with anything. Luci bangs every bimbo that crosses his way; Baz talks in British accent because, according to him, chicks dig it; no problem there. Gabriel says he’s bisexual but he’s been dating Kali for a while now so they won’t say a word. And then it’s me… Lisa is a good friend and I like her” Castiel smiles at Dean and shrugs a bit awkwardly.

Lisa is looking at him in astonishment, “Cas… it don’t think I’ve ever heard you talking to someone so much”

“I know, right? I…I don’t know why?” He looks at her for a split second before turning back towards those green eyes that are fixed on him, “You seem trustworthy, Dean. Please, don’t tell anyone what I just told you. I have recently moved to this school because Papa Richard thinks it’s better than the last one, it’s closer to home and I’m all alone here since all my brothers are already in college.”

Dean remains silent through the whole speech, lips curved into a tiny smile, eyes wide and sparky. He looks at Castiel as if he hung the moon and Rhonda notices it. For some reason she doesn’t find it in herself to be mad, she’s a bit sad though. She’s positive she’s losing Dean to this Castiel guy, he looks like an Adonis, gorgeous and strong, with dark bed hair and sky blue eyes reserved only for Dean. Rhonda wonders how is it that nobody else seems to notice, it’s really right there in front of everyone, Dean and Castiel are closer in distance with every second that goes by. Something goes stuck in her throat and she knows she’s on the verge of tears. She has to get out there for a while.

“Lisa, would you help me with my make up?” Lisa won’t ask questions, just smiles and goes along Rhonda heading to the bathroom. Neither Dean nor Cas notice it.

“So, Cas… is it okay if I call you Cas?” Dean arches his eyebrows, asking for permission to use the nickname even if they’ve been just introduced; his face relaxes when he gets lost into the guy’s smile.

“Sure, Dean, of course you can” When did they get that close to each other?

“Okay, Cas it is then… what is your angle? What d’you dig?” Dean doesn’t even realize he’s bouncing over his hills.

“Uhm a lot of things actually… wouldn’t know where to start.” Cas begins to move matching Dean’s bouncing “I like singing and reading and dancing… oh man, I love dancing. I like flowers and bees. Don’t laugh, Dean… bees are totally awesome!” he takes one step closer to Dean, happy to see he’s keeping his place, “And last but definitely not least, I dig green eyes, freckles and blondish hair…” Says Castiel looking right at Dean.

Dean blush furiously but doesn’t move an inch, “You can’t say things like that, dude” clearing his throat.

Cas breaks a gummy smile, “Say what, Dean? I dig a lot of other things but you’ll probably have to figure them out by yourself.” Adding with a deadpan he says, “Now… shall we dance?” and he extends his hand to Dean, an invitation and a promise.

“Dude, I’m not dancing with a man, they’ll think I’m queer” Dean huffs and mentally kicks his own ass.

Invading Dean’s personal space way further than what it’d be wise in public, Cas replies, “Afraid I’d out you, Dean?”

Dean stands taller, defiant and stronger, “You cannot out me, Castiel, I have a girlfriend. No matter how much you dig it, you can’t out someone that’s not in”

“Right… right… you’ve got a girlfriend and so do I. Nobody’s gonna think we’re queer… they’ll think we’re waiting for our dates. Stop freaking out, man.” Castiel gives him a quick almost imperceptible wink.

Dean wants to play cool, he really tries, honest to God he does his best… but it doesn’t work, he just turns red, looks at his feet but his decline comes differently as expected. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t wanna flip on you, dude. Say we go to the dance floor and wait for the girls there. You can dance if you want… I’ll stand there and wait. You okay with that?”

Cas shrugs as if it’s not a big deal, one hand on his pocket and the other on the back of his neck, massaging it. “Whatever makes you sleep at night, Dean”

They get to the dance floor and Cas begins to move to Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Dean just stands there, flipping his eyes everywhere in a nervous tick afraid that everyone will notice that he’s on the dance floor with no girl by his side and with Castiel jumping and moving suggestively around him. Once the music switches to You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive Cas loses it and goes really crazy.

“Dean!! Dean!! You have to dance this!... it’s so… wicked! C’mon, Dean! Nobody’s paying attention to us!!” he pouts with his hands in prayer making Dean snort in amusement but he remains still. “No way, dude!” And then…

Then Tina’s voice breaks in the air with her One of the Living and Dean can’t hold it anymore. He forgets about the people around, the girls on the bathroom, Cas in front of him… no, not that… he could not ever forget that.

Castiel stops moving, open mouthed watching Dean dance, move and spin as if there’s no tomorrow. “Well… look who’s dancing, now…” and he also dances along Dean’s moves.

“It’s Tina, dude!... She’s the bomb!”

They dance for a few minutes, Dean can pretend he’s just dancing by himself but Cas is there, right in front of him, matching his moves… God, he’s so hot. The girls eventually come back from the bathroom and, spotting them, they join their dancing.

The night goes smooth; they dance, drink and chat as much as the loud music allows them. Eventually Dean takes Rhonda to the parking lot and takes things to 3rd base in the back seat of the Impala.

“You’re sure about this, Dean? Not that I don’t enjoy car sex but Sam will have to take the back seat to take Jess home” Rhonda says while taking Dean’s zipper down, leaning down as she’s done many times before to take him in her mouth. She doesn’t say much more than muffled moans for a while.

“Shit, Rhon, yes… like that, God you’re so good. Move sideways… wanna see how wet you are” it’s a good thing that she’s both very bendy and that they have done this several times over the months, so Dean moves her underwear and she moans against his shaft when he slides two fingers inside her. It doesn’t take too long for them both to climax, and if Dean’s pictures in his mind a couple of blue eyes when he comes inside Rhonda’s throat, well… nobody will know.

They fix their clothes and roll the windows down to clear the air and Rhonda’s cigarette glows in the dark. Dean leans his head back on the leather headrest, staring up and frowning a bit and Rhonda, once again, notices.

“C’mon, Dean. It’s getting late and Miss Moore probably has curfew anyway. Let’s get the kids home” She gets off the car and waits for Dean to join her on the way back into the ballroom.

Cas is slow dancing with Lisa, her eyes are closed and she’s leaning on his shoulder. The first thing Dean sees as entering the room is Cas eyes set on him, and Dean thinks he can see a mischievous grin that lit up his eyes, but blames it on the dim lights. It’s safer to think like that. Cas closes his eyes too conscious of the green eyes on him and Dean can’t help a coy smile.

On the way home, Sam and Jess make out on the back seat and Rhonda is sat with Dean’s right arm around her shoulders. Dean is driving slowly enough to use only one hand on the wheel. She doesn’t want to disturb the teenagers’ activity on the back of the car so she leans her head on Dean’s shoulder and whispers. “You like him”. It’s not a question.

“Who, Rhon? What are you talking about?” he also keeps his voice down.

“That boy Castiel. You like him. That’s alright, Dean, he’s hot” She wants desperately to play cool but there’s a hint of sadness in her voice.

“What the hell you’re talking about, Rhon? He’s a dude.”

Rhonda lifts her head from Dean’s shoulder to look at him in the eyes, Dean won’t meet her gaze though; he’s too focused on the road ahead and in avoiding facing the truth, of  course.

She strokes his cheek with the back of her hand and softly whispers, “I know, baby, remember? We had this conversation a while ago… Remember that night we got a bit drunk before going to the cinema to watch St. Elmo’s Fire and when Rob Lowe in a tank top started playing the saxophone your eyes went wide and you whistled…” Dean gives her a WTF look, “Yes, Dean, you whistled. We talked about it later and you confessed it so stop playing dumb, alright? I don’t care who you decide to bang. All I care is us. You like him?... Good, I won’t judge; I like him too. He’s fucking gorgeous and cool and yet when he talks he looks at you and only at you. Dude, the moment you looked at each other it seemed that nobody else but you two existed. Dean, he likes you, like a lot… like tons!” Dean won’t say a word, but neither would he look at her, so she calls it a moment, “Anyway,” she takes a look at the rear view mirror, “This is not a conversation to have on the car while your brother is on the back seat trying to lose Jess’ bra” She says talking a little louder.

“Hey!” Sam complains at their back, “I’m not trying to…” he trails off amused by Jess’ giggling, but his face turns furious red as he sees Dean and Rhonda laughing at his expenses, which of course only confirms he was doing that.

Rhonda understands their conversation is not over because Dean is not even trying to tease Sam and that’s never a good sign. “Sorry, Dean… I’m sorry, I…”

“Don’t, Rhonda… don’t be. Shit happens” Dean shrugs as he parks in front of Jess’ home and they wait for Sam to say goodnight at Jess’ door. They stay silent, not knowing what to say.

Finally it’s Dean who breaks the silence, “I do like him, Rhon, but what can I do? I like you too and we’re dating, I care about you a lot; hell, I may even love you in the future. I don’t know, I mean, I enjoy being with you, I don’t wanna lose you. And, besides, what could he and I do? Society is saying that being gay is okay but you know that it’s a lie, gay couples are still stigmatized. So, tell me, even if he liked me, like really like me and I’d wanted to do something about it. What could it be? You think that, uh, I don’t know… like people will magically start to be like understanding? Yeah, like that’s gonna happen, like never!”

Rhonda nervously gazes at the kids making out by the front door steps and turns back to Dean with a new determination, “Dean, I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not in your head, haven’t been for a while now, tonight it just got more evident. But I do want to be with you and I would kill to be the person you want to look at all night. I just wish I would be the only one. Tonight was confirmation, Dean; you did your best not to be obvious, he was more evident; but you still stole looks from him, sneaky tiny looks but it was obvious you wanted to be with him, not with me… and I deserve better.”

Dean remains silent and Rhonda hates him for that, “I know you like me and that one day you could even learn to love me but I want someone whose love is unconditional, who doesn’t need to learn to love me; I need someone who just does. I… I want what I saw tonight between you two… I want sparks… I want to look at someone for the second time and get totally hitched; I want to be someone’s whole focus… I can’t settle with being someone else’s consolation prize. No, Dean, wait… I know you didn’t mean bad, I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t want you to stay by my side because you’re afraid of the society’s rejection or your family’s and friends’ disapproval.”

She takes his hand in between hers, and takes his chin to make him look up at her, “I don’t care about you… I’m in love with you… that’s why I deserve better” She can’t help the tears shedding on its own accord and the mascara is marking the face of the blond girl with Madonna hair. “Dean, I know this is not what you wanna hear but I… I don’t want to keep on dating. I know you’ll try to; you will try to be the best boyfriend ever but you’ll never be in love with me… I’ll continue to be your second choice, maybe not to Castiel but to someone else. Let’s face it Dean, if you haven’t learnt to love me after dating me for a year, you never will. Maybe this is not the best moment, but this is me breaking up with you and tearing my heart into pieces because I know I don’t have any other option. I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean can’t find anything to say, there’s no words in his vocabulary right now that have the power to comfort her, to make it better. “I’m sorry too, Rhon… I’m so sorry I can’t be what you need” He curls on her lap, looking for the security of the familiar warmth of the skin he knows by heart, “I’m sorry, I’m a failure. I’m broken… a freak... an abomination… I don’t know what to do, Rhon”

“No, Dean, you’re none of that. You’re just queer or bisexual or whatever and that’s alright. You’re a good person, baby, and that’s all that matters.” She glances towards the door to the kids there and sighs, “Now, c’mon and get a grip; Sam’s unlocking lips… I don’t think she will let him go any further today, if ever. I think we’ve got two more minutes. Please kiss me” the kiss is awkward, all trembling lips and tears falling. By the time Sam is back in the car the kiss has come down to two sets of lips touching.

“Uh gross, dudes. Stop it! Kid brother in the car” Sam teases.

“Sorry, Sammy. Let’s get you home, Rhon. One last trip, uh?” Dean starts the car and Rhonda moves to the right, putting some space between them.

“What? What’s wrong with you two?” Sam frowns.

“Not now, Sammy” Dean cuts him cold.

They make the rest of the ride in silence, all awkwardness and discomfort. In the back seat Sam proposedly keeps his eyes on the left window, too stiff to be taken for a natural position. Once at the entrance of Rhonda’s apartment building, Dean opens her door and takes her hand to help her off; and like that, hand in hand, they walk towards her door.

“I guess this is it, Baby. Monday morning we’ll be strangers… Rhon, please don’t be a stranger; say hi and talk to me once in a while, would you? I care about you and I don’t want you out of my life.” Dean finally pleases once it’s obvious this is the last time they talk as boyfriends.

“I will say Hi, and for the moment it’s all I can promise. With time maybe we can become acquaintances or even friends but now… now it would hurt too much. I love you, Dean.” He can’t reply to that, not without lying, so she finally says goodbye with a peck on his lips.

Dean rushes back to the Impala, seeking for the sense of security that his car provides him. He lets his head drop on the wheel and Sam is not sure whether to comfort him or let him take his time. He decides to go for it; it’s hard for him to see Dean like that.

“Dean? What happened? You were crying and she was sad. I overheard her talking earlier… I didn’t mean to, it’s just that she was a bit loud and I couldn’t help it…. Dean?” Sam insists. He knows Dean is never up to share feelings and usually he would let him be but Sam thinks that tonight is different, Dean is somehow in pain and he’s gonna be there for him.

“We broke up, Sammy.” Dean answers without lifting his head from the wheel, “She told me she didn’t want to be a consolation prize, because we’ve been dating for a year and I still couldn’t love her the way she loves me. I’m sad, Sam, not only because I care for her and also because I feel so relieved… I don’t know, Sammy…” Dean pulls himself together the best he can and starts the engine but doesn’t pull away yet.

“You like the guy she was talking about, right?” and it’s a damn luck that Dean is not currently driving or they would be crashing. He opens his mouth to protest but Sam cuts him cold.

“No, Dean, it’s okay… I know, alright? I’ve known for a while now. I think I always knew you felt like that… I don’t even care; I mean, Rob Lowe is fucking hot” Dean bitchfaces him, “Sorry, too soon… anyways, right now I’m completely, utterly, and madly in love with Jess but I can totally understand that you find Lisa’s friend hot”

“But Sam I don’t…”

“Dean stop it! I’m really okay with it, alright? So, back to business… the guy is definitely good looking. What’s his name again? Is he in our school? How old is he?”

Dean looks straight into Sam’s eyes and sees he’s truth to his words so he answers as the car starts to roll, “Castiel. Yes. And I don’t know his age but he likes bees and dancing”

The rest of the trip home is made in silence, both brothers thinking of their own love affairs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are very very welcome!!! (please tell us you love us)  
> ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PLZ!
> 
>  
> 
> Songs used:
> 
> [Dead Or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGNiXGX2nLU)
> 
> [Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp2h5jslKY)
> 
> [Tina Turner - One Of The Living](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dc3IEdllaxc%20)


	2. 1985 – Iowa city - High School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It looks beautiful, Blue. I was just thinking… Do you remember how we met?” Dean distractedly says while he opens his beer and sits next to Cas. It’s a warm night so they’ve decided to have dinner on the back porch enjoying the soft breeze on their faces.

**Los Angeles – Present time**

“Uh, you’re ready now, Blue? I don’t think you’ve showered so fast in like ever! Hungry, maybe?” Dean teases starting the fire.

“Well, you can’t blame me, Freckles; I’ve worked my ass at the garden today, but it looks nice, doesn’t it?” Cas takes his seat and handles Dean a beer.

“It looks beautiful, Blue. I was just thinking…  Do you remember how we met?” Dean distractedly says while he opens his beer and sits next to Cas. It’s a warm night so they’ve decided to have dinner on the back porch enjoying the soft breeze on their faces.

“Do you think is there a chance I’d ever forget that, Freckles? I had never seen someone so afraid of liking someone.” Cas opens his own beer  takes a swig, “Rhonda and Lisa were such good people… especially Rhonda, she was utterly understanding even when it was obvious she was hurt, it showed in her eyes since the very moment you and me held hands for the first time, she even saw the sparks fly instantly, she told me once. It was really love at second sight. And you, my love, you were so frightened of liking a guy that you could barely talk. You had known for a while you were bi and yet…” Cas trails off.

“I know, Blue, I know… those were rough, scary times for me… I liked you since that very second sight and yet it took me a while, right?” Dean will never stop being embarrassed at how long it took him to accept the fact that he liked Castiel.

“A while? Ha! It took you forever, Freckles.”

“Oh, c’mon! It took me about two months… two months is not forever” Dean replies offended.

“Two months when you’re 18 is forever, Freckles” Cas gives Dean a dreamy look.

“Okay, Blue, you’re right… it took me forever to accept the fact that I was in love with you” the blonde says through a little smile.

Dean looks confused when Cas takes the beer from his hand and puts it down on the table.

“What are you d…”

Cas grins into Dean’s lips and says, “Shut up Freckles, come here and kiss me stupid”

 

**1985 – Iowa city - High school**

****Dean had expected the breakup to be painful, so did Rhonda.

It wasn’t.

Explaining the reasons for the break up was more than complicated though, and yet without mutual agreement they gave their friends the same excuses, ‘ _There was no future for us’_ , ‘ _I was in love and he wasn’t’_ , ‘ _She wanted a person who could love her more_ ’. Rhonda’s friends stopped talking to Dean, Dean’s friends started giving her a bad look.

In the end everybody pitied either of them. They tried not to mind their friends; they knew that complaining about their behavior or telling them to stop would only raise suspicion and in the end it was all truth anyway. They both know that he did not love her the way she needed him to, in the end...not the way she wanted.

So it’s been pretty much a terrible couple of weeks sided with a flirting Castiel showing up around every corner. It doesn’t matter where or in front of whom, every time Dean and Castiel cross paths, Cas makes Dean feel uncomfortable with an easy remark, a naughty word or a wicked look. Dean can act conflicted by Cas’ behavior but he secretly expects those moments, he loves knowing that he is the cause of the spark in those eyes. He has never ever seen such bright blue eyes in anybody else, so that’s how he begins to call Castiel in his mind. Blue.

This morning Dean gets up early and takes his time to choose his outfit for the day. He’s extra conscious of his appearance and, even though he is aware of his good looks, he wants to make sure today he looks extra good.  Today he and Cas have scheduled the same class: Home Ed, no less. Dean usually hates Home Ed but today it’s cooking time and he loves to cook. He arrives early, sits on one of the double tables and waits, some people have already arrived but Dean saves a sit by his side waiting for Lisa or Rhonda… no, not for Rhonda. He breathes out a relieved sigh as the blond girl bypasses him waving her hello and sitting on the last row at the back. Lisa sits with Ruby, that’s when Castiel decides to make his entrance and, without hesitation, sits by Dean’s side holding his largest grin.

“Hey Freckles” the nickname comes pouring sweetly through the pink lips –not that Dean notices them- “How are you?!”

“Hello, _Castiel_ ” Dean greets back and adds in a tight teeth breathed whisper says “Stop calling me Freckles, please”

Somehow Cas manages to pout and smirk at the same time, “But why, Baby?... You rather me calling you Baby or maybe Honey? Oh!! Oh!! I know!! I’ll call you STUD! Yeap, I like that” he winks and adds, “Like it like a lot… Stud! Yes, I love it!” and he lets his lower lip get caught by his upper teeth.

Dean rolls his eyes and sighs, “Please. Don’t , Castiel… just don’t, okay?”

Castiel seems to pity him, so he diverts, “Okay, okay. So, Freckles, sorry—Dean, seems we’re stuck cooking together, uh? I hope you know how, because me? I can’t even boil an egg”

‘ _Really_ ?’ Dean thinks, ‘ _Fuck my luck…_ ’ Nah, in his mind Dean can be honest to himself, he’s thrilled to have him so close with the excuse of the class to disguise his real interest in the guy.

“I’m good, thank you very much. But why do you think we’re in this together?” Dean wonders.

Cas looks around, triumphantly spreading his arms to show a full room with no empty spaces and smirks when Mr. Lambert enters the room.

“Damn!” Dean whispers hiding his face behind his hands, as if trying to show tedium but actually hiding a pleased smile.

Half way into the class everything goes well and then, of course, Murphy and his freaking law had to show up and have Mr. Lambert propose the most terrifying project.

“Okay, everybody quiet now! You’ll team up with the partner by your side. This is a very simple project and I’m positive everybody is gonna enjoy it.” there’s a general rumor and Mr. Lambert calms the students down, “Don’t panic. As I said, it’s an easy task. All you have to do is to prepare your favorite meal. Whatever you think that makes your perfect dinner. It has to be a very simple dish and you have to make the preparations here in class. No extra points for fancy stuff. Start making plans with your partners! Have fun!”

“Oh, God! Now I’m stuck in a cooking project with a useless cook”

Castiel plays offended, “Hey! I can cut and chop like a pro. I’m not allowed near the stove or burners but I can whip cream and roll a doe, you know!”

“What you mean you’re not allow… no, just forget it… I suppose you can help, then” Dean says defeated.

They look up to the front when they hear Mr. Lambert continue with his instructions, “The pairing has to perform a main dish and a dessert. You can request the ingredients up to three days prior the due date. You have to write an essay, I want you to write the reasons for your choices and what is it that it makes it perfect, of course you must include the recipes and a picture of each dish. You have to explain who chose what and why. As a wrap up I want you to detail how the pairing worked for you, the positive and the negative highlights”

Cas smiles confident, he’s already decided the courses, “Great!... totally bithchin’, dude! I love burgers, do you?” He’s there looking at Dean with a total and honest smile, the kind of smile that reaches the eyes. Dean seems to melt a little at the gesture and silently curses that feeling on his chest that talks about how he’s falling for the guy even more than before.

So he uses mockery as a self-defense technique, “Yeah, Totally bitchin, dude!” he air quotes, “I don’t like burgers, dude, I _love_ them. Double bacon cheese burger with tons of salted onions, onion rings on the side and spicy curly fries.”

Castiel looks amused as Dean animatedly talks about food without reservations or embarrassment. Cas loves that. “Well, I like that, Dean. I think I can work with that… probably not as fan of onions as you but about the rest, I’m in! Now, what about dessert?”

“Pie. It has to be pie, that’s final. If you want to pair with me in this project it’s alright by me, but dessert is pie or nothing. We can discuss about the onions or the fries but we’re having pie for dessert.” Dean is downright bossy about it.

“Whoa dude, calm down!” Cas can hardly hold his amusement, “Pie is awesome, alright? I’m not complaining. Question is what flavor we’re gonna choose. My favorite is chocolate peanut butter but cherry is close second and third is a tie between white chocolate raspberry and chocolate pecan”

“I’m guessing you like chocolate… no apple pie?” Dean sounds shocked.

“It’s not that I don’t like it” Castiel says, “It’s just that cooked apples are not my favorites, I don’t really like them. Look, let’s be fair, alright? You’ve kinda made the decision about the main course and you’ve chosen the dessert… I want to pick the pie flavor”

“Fair enough” Nobody can say Dean Winchester does not play fair, “Okay, so you pick one of them or—we could also make a half and half”

“I like the idea of a half and half”

“Awesome, dude!”

Cas smirks and looks at his hands down on the table for a split second before looking up to lock eyes with Dean, “I got a name, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. So do I, and it’s not Freckles, _Castiel_ ” Dean shrugs.

“How about this, you can call me Cas and I—I’m just lost in the combination of your Freckles and your green eyes, they’re both intriguing and gorgeous. I like them, Dean… I like them like a lot.”

Dean blushing furiously turns to face Mr. Lambert and says, “Can we focus in class, please?”

“Sure, Dean, but this is a conversation I intend to resume. If you don’t want to say anything it’s okay, you can just listen. But it’s been a month since we first met and I need you to listen to what I have to say. So, what do you prefer? My place or yours?”

“Neither.” Dean folds his arms in front, “We’ve got nothing to talk about if it’s not about the assignment.” He says with a final tone even when he’s quite excited about the prospect of spending more time with Castiel.

“All right, your call. I really wouldn’t do it here but since it seems I don’t have any other option, I will. I’ll start talking here in the middle of the classroom and you’ll have to listen.” Castiel’s voice is practically crawling under Dean’s skin, low and rumbling. “We’re having this conversation, Dean.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. There’s no ‘ _we’_.”

“Okay, it’s your choice, don’t tell I did not try to preserve our intimacy.” Cas leans on Dean’s personal space, looks straight into his eyes for a second and when Dean turns to look at the front of the class, Cas moves forward to whisper on his ear for only him to hear, “I like you, Dean Winchester. Like a lot. I can’t stop thinking about your green eyes, the way they looked at me when we shook hands at the prom. And now, the way your lips say my name, oh man, it makes me want to kiss them till they’re sore.” Dean is frozen in site, both delighted and horrified at Castiel’s confession, “That smile of yours makes your freckles look even cuter and I find myself fantasizing about kissing them and travelling through your skin to find out if they're spread all over you. And above all, Dean, I want you to want me as much as I want you.” Cas pauses backing up a little bit, “I like you, Dean Winchester, and I know you like me too”

Every drop of blood in Dean’s body must have probably travelled all the way up to his face; he’s scarlet red and makes a monumental effort to keep his eyes on the teacher; that same gorgeous teacher he usually enjoys looking at. Today all he wants to do is to look into Castiel’s blue eyes.

The class is murmuring, everybody is planning the courses they will prepare, nobody is paying attention to them. Dean turns his head and growls, “Stop it! You have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t like guys and the last time I checked, you were one.”

Castiel smirks and, looking right at Dean’s lips, he answers, “Yes, Dean, I’m a 100% a guy. And please, feel free to continue lying to yourself. I promise I won’t try to out you because it would mean to out myself at this school too. When I did it at the old school it didn’t end up very well for me. I know, Dean, and you can lie to the fucking world but you won’t fool me.”

Dean moves a bit to the right and Castiel follows, keeping the close distance between each other, “I’m sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable, Freckles, not my intention like at all. The ball is now on your court, I just wanted you to know how I feel. I’m not gonna bother you with this again, I’d like to be your friend or more, whatever you have to offer to me I’ll take it. I’m a big boy, I can handle it. Flirting is not off the table, though.”

Castiel leaves Dean’s personal space by moving to the left and looks at Mr. Lambert writing on the blackboard, “He’s hot, isn’t he?” He asks Dean, “He’s gay too”

“No, he’s not” Dean snorts, but barely audibly he adds, “Yeah, he’s hot”

Cas smiles amused, “Oh Freckles, you’ve got so much to learn. Look at his shoes, perfectly polished. The trousers are sharply ironed and his hair is perfect but if you look a bit closer you’ll see some residual blue paint at the back of his hairline, sparks and all. He’s gay, take my word. That means we can talk to him if we need.”

Dean lets out a nervous sigh, “I don’t need to talk to anyone and you’ve just said you wouldn’t mention it again.”

“Well, I didn’t and I won’t again. I just wanted to point out that I’m not the only one you can trust here about this, there someone else you can talk to if you needed. Not that you need to, of course” Cas rolls his eyes.

“Fine. Noted. Can we please focus on class, now? Mr. Lambert is looking funny at us.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	3. 1985 – Iowa city - Home Ed class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes a swig of beer and starts talking again, “I still remember how shocked I was the first time you said you liked me, I thought I was about to die. The words you used to describe me, I think we were in Adam’s class, weren’t we? Oh man, it took a lot of self-control, I think if Adam hadn’t been there I would have come right in the middle of the class. The way your lips said my name, man, you were so sexy” Dean closes his eyes and smiles at the memory.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

 

Dean takes a swig of beer and starts talking again, “I still remember how shocked I was the first time you said you liked me, I thought I was about to die. The words you used to describe me, I think we were in Adam’s class, weren’t we? Oh man, it took a lot of self-control, I think if Adam hadn’t been there I would have come right in the middle of the class. The way your lips said my name, man, you were so sexy” Dean closes his eyes and smiles at the memory.

“And you were on denial, Freckles” Castiel leans over the table to cup Dean’s face. His chest warming at the face leaning on his hand and he has to stroke Dean’s cheekbone with his thumb, “You were killing me, so sexy and gorgeous and so fucking naïf. You really thought you could fight the feelings, uh?”

“No, Blue… I didn’t want to fight them… I wanted them gone; I just didn’t want to have those feelings at all. For a while everything I could think of was that you were smoking hot, just like Adam. He’s still hot, you know?” Dean teases.

“And how exactly do you know that, I wonder?” Castiel arcs an eyebrow and lifts his chin in defiance.

“Oh, Blue, I love it when you get all jealous. I friended him on Facebook a while ago and so have you, after realizing I have a blue eyes kink, jealous Blue is sexy.” Dean quirks an eyebrow and looks at him intently, “Before you coming to our school I had spent hundreds of hours looking at his eyes and then, there you came and his eyes went bland. Pass me another beer, please” he asks as he flips the burgers on the grill.

Cas does as asked and holds the bottle when Dean tries to take it from him making Dean lock eyes with him “Then you started cooking and it was so fucking hot… and you never realized it, no matter the hungry looks I threw at you, no matter how sensually my voice called your name”

Dean holds his piercing eyes for a second and his face turns red, “Do you remember the first time you kissed me?” Dean says, distractedly adding condiment to the burgers.

“You mean the kiss I stole from you? No, I don’t remember that at all… you told me the story a million times, Freckles… tell it again over dinner, I’m starving and I’m tired”

“Sure will. Burgers will be ready in five, would you check the fryer, and fries should be ready by now too” as soon as Castiel is back with the fries and the burgers are on the table, Dean smiles at the memory and begins, “I was avoiding you…”

* * *

 

**1985 – Iowa city - Home Ed class**

After breakfast, Dean takes a good extra couple of minutes choosing his outfit for the school day, on a regular day he’d usually grab anything that would be both comfortable and in fashion. He’s got no problem with being the target of his pairs’ gazing; he knows he’s attractive without having to put too much thought into his clothes selection. He gets into his car, too conscious of his perfume and hair and his overall look and makes an extra effort to ignore Sam’s teasingly amused look.

Avoiding Castiel for two whole weeks has not been an easy task for Dean, he could say that he has succeeded -if not for Home Ed- and that’s his next class. He gets into the school bathroom, clears his throat and makes sure there’s no one in the cabins that could give him away with checking himself in the mirror, making sure that there’s no stray of hair out of place, just to ensure his appearance is perfect for reasons that are nobody else’s business.

Dean’s got no problem keeping the world ignorant of his true desires. Lying to himself about it it’s a totally different thing. He’s been dreaming of Castiel every night; just today at two in the morning he woke up all sweaty and tingly in all the places he had dreamt Castiel’s lips had been occupied with, he can still feel it in his neck and lips as if they had been kissing each other senseless for real. Waking up from that left him horny as hell, his damn body a traitor and Dean can’t find it in him to be upset about it.

The bell is about to ring and Dean is already sat at the table, all stiff and self-conscious, paying attention to Mr. Lambert distributing the rule sheets for the essay. Castiel is nowhere to be seen yet and Dean can’t help to wonder where the hell he is, because--- you know, they are supposed to be a team on this, right? Oh, there he is. But what the…

“Good you’ve decided to join us, Mr. Novak.” The teacher says without even looking at him.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lambert, apparently it was my turn to be some other students’ punching bag today. Thank God Miss Soler was there to stop them.” Cas sits by Dean giving him a tiny smile and a shrug when his team mate looks at him horrified by the cut in his cheek and the rip in his clothes.

Mr. Lambert turns his attention fully towards Castiel, the teacher’s concern and fury showing in his frown while checking his wound; he sighs loudly and orders everyone to go back to their seats as they gather around Castiel to see first-hand his physical state.

“God, this cut needs antiseptics to say the least, why are you not in the infirmary?” the teacher asks, concerned.

“Miss Soler told me to go but I came here instead; it’s just scratches, Sir.” Castiel tries to take his assignment sheet but Mr. Lambert takes it away.

“Don’t argue with me, boy. You go now and I’ll see you there after this class is finished. Winchester, you go with your team mate and make sure he gets to the infirmary this time. You’re both excused for the rest of today’s class” he handles them the passes and hurries them out “Go!...what are you waiting for?”

Dean is too shocked by Castiel’s general state and by the fact that he seems to be okay with being object of such an attack in school grounds out of all places. He grabs his backpack and tries to take Castiel’s too but the other boy just puts it on his back and starts walking, rather limping, with Dean by his side. Castiel turns his head to look at Dean and finds his worried eyes on him.

“Man, they beat the crap out of you” Dean says in almost a whisper.

“I had it worse back at the last school I went to” Castiel winces as he takes another step, “This time they only did it because of my general look, you know, the eyeliner, the dark clothes, the earrings. Of course they called me a fag- if they only knew, but they don’t have the slightest idea” He stops for a second, “Look, I swear this is nothing tricky, my leg hurts like hell—you mind if I lean on you?”        

“Dude, no need to ask” Dean offers his shoulder for Castiel to lean on and they start walking slowly again. “Who did this?”

“It doesn’t matter, Dean. It’s not the first time and it sure won’t be the last. It’s just the way things are” he shrugs, as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Still walking Dean turns his head to give Castiel a gravely look, “It matters to me, Cas”

Castiel sighs and pauses for a moment, trying to balance his weight better to put most of it on his good leg.

“Azazel, Michael and Zacharias, but please promise me you won’t do anything stupid, they don’t play fair and Miss Soler has them on detention already. Please, Dean, say it… say you won’t do anything”

They start walking again, it’s time for Dean to sigh now rather distressingly, he really would like to have a word or two with those assholes, “Okay, Cas. I promise. Here we are, gimme your backpack and enter the infirmary”

Dean sits by the window on the farthest wall, while the nurse cleans Castiel’s wounds and patches him, “They got you pretty bad, boy.”

“Last year,at the other school, they broke two of my ribs and my nose bridge. Some people don’t seem to like my clothing or eyeliner.” Castiel shrugs again, as if it’s not big deal.

“People should mind their own business” The fury in Dean’s voice startles both Castiel and the nurse.

“No, Dean, don’t. That’s what they want, they want you to be furious and to have an excuse to assault you. Being furious won’t solve anything. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“Don’t tell me how to feel, Castiel. I’ve agreed to not to do anything stupid, not that I won’t care. I never promised not to get mad.” Dean says, his arms crossed over his chest.

The nurse gives Castiel a pain killer and leaves them to wait there for Mr. Lambert who arrives half an hour later, finding Castiel sleeping on the pallet.

“How is him?” the teacher asks Dean while leaving his book on the table in front of them, the nurse seems to be—who knows where she went.

“He has a spline in his left ankle and some bruises in his chest, and that cut on his cheek. He’s got it bad but the nurse said he’s gonna survive” Dean’s sarcasm speaks volumes of his anger.

“I see.” Mr. Lambert sits by Dean’s side and lowers his voice, “You like him, uh?”

For a moment Dean is ready to deflect, to say he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he’s ready to deny it all, throw Cas’ backpack aside and storm out of the room. Castiel asleep on the pallet, all patched up and bruised is what stops him. He does care. So instead, he takes a deep breath and faces his teacher.

“I don’t know. He’s a guy and I don’t dig guys” Dean tries to sound cool with it, but his nervousness paints his words.

Mr. Lambert shrugs, “You know it’s okay if you like him, right? I’ve got a boyfriend back home that would agree with me”

Dean’s eyes open wide making his teacher smile wider, he reclines on the uncomfortable chair.

“C’mon Dean, don’t look at me like that. I know you know; please, I’m positive _everybody_ knows. I don’t go around telling everybody I’m gay but I sure won’t deny it either. Took me a while to assume it, you know, even to myself. Look, you don’t have to tell me anything, not now or ever if you don’t feel like it; just let me tell you that whenever you’re ready or if you ever need to talk about anything then, here’s my number.” He takes a card from his coat inside pocket and handles it to Dean, “We can talk about school or absolutely anything you might wanna share, okay? And I mean anything Dean, school, family, hobbies.” Dean nods and Mr. Lambert stays silent for a while, “I tried to contact his parents but there was nobody at home. How many classes you’ve got left today?”

“I have English in the next period, and then PE.”

“Okay. I can excuse you from PE but you have to attend English. I have a free period now, I’ll stay with him until you come back after English and then you can take your friend home”

Dean gets up, throws his backpack on the shoulder and leaves Castiel’s on the chair. “We’re not even friends”

“Well, you’re worried about him and that qualifies you at least as his friend. Now, go. I’ll look after him until you come back” The teacher leans further back on the chair, crossing his legs and opening his book.

* * *

 

Dean is just a body occupying a place in English class; his mind is down the hall, into the infirmary and by his, his what? His acquaintance?  His friend? Castiel.

The end of the period bell hasn’t yet finished ringing and Dean is already running to Castiel’s side. He stops cold by the door of the infirmary catching Castiel and their teacher talking like good friends. Two sets of blue eyes turn to him, the ones that have had his whole attention since they’ve met –Castiel’s- and the ones that had been his only obsession for a couple of years now –Mr. Lambert’s- , and that’s when the realization that he _does like_ Castiel hits Dean for real, he feels like he’s ready to acknowledge that fact to himself without reservations even though he still has no clue of what to do with that. Dean’s smile widens at the thought.

And of course that’s when Mr. Lambert chooses to greet him, “Hi Dean!”

“Hello, Mr. Lambert. Cas…” he says, still breathing heavily from the running.

The teacher motions to the other chair for Dean to take it, “You can call me Adam, Dean, at least outside the classroom. I’m only 26, after all”

Dean nodes acknowledging, “Hi, Adam” He takes the chair and brings it closer to Castiel, “How you’re feeling, Cas?”

“Been better, the nurse put a splint on my ankle, gave me some painkillers and told me to go to my doctor in three days. Once I get home my parents will call him anyways, I’m sure. I have a free pass from school for three days. I can’t put weight on my foot so you’ll have to help me.” he directs a naughty smile to Dean, “You can carry me like a princess, Freckles” and he winks at him.

“Castiel…” Dean almost cries the name, rolling his eyes but way less mortified than before. Adam looks between them, amused by the teenagers.

“He knows, Dean!” Castiel complains, “He knows I’m gay and he also knows I like you and that I call you Freckles. I told you we could trust him.”

Adam pulls himself out on his feet and turns to leave, “I won’t tell a soul, Dean. As I said earlier, I’m here whether you need to talk or not. I’m always here and ready to help you, guys. I’ll be off now. See you in a few days, Castiel.”

“Okay, Adam, thanks. Now, let’s go, Cas. I’ll carry you.” He motions to help Castiel get off the gurney but stops with his arms in jar when Cas pretends to hope into his arms, “No way, dude. Not like a princess. Lean on me and just hop on your good foot.”

Castiel pouts but does as Dean tells, “You’re no fun, Winchester. Come on! Carry me like a princess!”

“Castiel please, stop yelling man. You’re high on the meds the nurse gave you and the corridors are packed. Behave, dude.”

“Okay, I’ll behave, Freckles” Castiel leans on Dean, who’s also carrying the two backpacks and can’t stop him from play _boop_ with his nose.

By some miracle they make it to the Impala without being beaten –again, in Castiel’s case- and Dean helps Cas to hope in the back seat, he’s about to shut the door but Castiel grabs him by the neck and pecks him slightly on the lips. “You are gorgeous. Kiss me, Dean, please.”

“God, stop it, Cas. No. You are intoxicated and I won’t kiss you. Not now in front of the whole school and not ever” Dean closes the back door leaving a pouting Castiel to complain on his own.

“You are no fun, Winchester. You’re a party pooper, that’s what you are. You are a lame-stupid-into the closet queer, who likes me but won’t kiss me properly. You now what?” Castiel is practically yelling now, and Dean’s cheeks are as red as they can get, “Take me home now. I don’t wanna see your stupid gorgeous face anymore” and he drops flat on the back seat.

Dean looks around to see if anyone has heard Castiel or if they heard and cared about what they’ve heard. Nopes. Nobody seems to have paid attention. Good, God still seems to like him.

Dean sighs and enters the car, starts the engine and takes a few seconds to calm down before starting to drive. He takes a look at the rear view mirror and sees Castiel laying there, he knows it was the meds talking but he can at least be true to himself and accept the fact that Castiel is right in all those things he said about him; all of them except for one, he desperately wants to kiss Castiel. That tiny but not so innocent peck that Cas stole from him, their lips barely touching provoked a spark that is the milestone of the best kiss he’s ever had.

Dean is comfortable behind the wheel and drives trying not to think of the heat he feels on his face, he’s probably all red. “I’m sorry” Dean breaks the silence, but keeps his eyes on the road, “I’m sorry I can’t be what you want me to be. I do like you, Cas, but I just can’t” he trails off. There’s no answer from the back seat so at a stop he turns around to find a very asleep open mouthed Castiel. “Great, now I’m confessing my feelings to sleeping beauty” there’s no heat in his whisper, just a fond little curve of the lips.

They come to a halt at Castiel’s front door and Dean gets off and circles Baby to open the door for Cas, only he’s too drugged to even open his eyes. “Cas… Cas, you need to wake up, man. I can’t take you off the car if you’re asleep. Say I carry you in my arms _princess style_? Nobody is watching, at least nobody I care about.”

Castiel answers without opening his eyes, “I don’t like you, Winchester, I’ll walk” he gets off the car and almost falls when his knees fail him.

Dean catches him before he actually falls, “Cas, c’mon, you can’t walk. Let me help you. I know I was rude earlier. I’ll get you to the house and then I’ll disappear. Deal?”

Castiel pushes him away with a punch on the chest that’s meant to be fierce but it’s not. “Leave. Me. Alone” and he trips over his own feet, he’s too dizzy and his ankle hurts like hell.

“Please, let me help you. I’m so sorry, Cas. Please. I don’t want you to get more hurt. Only to the house. Please?”

“Only to my front door, Freckles. Afterwards I want you out of my life” he pouts and frowns and buffs. Yeah, he’s upset, Dean gets it.

Dean takes him off the floor, princess style as promised, closes the car door with his hill and carries him to the front door which opens from the inside before they reach it. There’s a short guy standing there, whiskey eyes and honey hair. One of Castiel’s brothers, probably. He runs towards them and worriedly takes Castiel’s face in his hands.

“What happened? What did you do to my brother?” Gabriel says very serious, almost to the point of killing Dean with his eyes.

“Freckles did nothing, Gabe… that’s what he did: NOTHING, well, at least he’s carrying me princess style.” A small smile draws in his lips.

“He was beaten at school, the principal tried to call your house but since he got no answer I brought him over. The nurse put a splint on his ankle and gave him meds” Dean lays Cas on the couch and turns to look at Gabriel, trying to ignore the little whine Castiel makes and the way it affects him, he’s got enough with his body tingling at the loss of Castiel’s body heat against his. “He got a bottle of meds and a prescription recipe in the backpack. He’s got small bruises and a nasty cut in his cheek as you can see.” Dean starts to worry because Cas’ brother’s face turns homicidal as he hears him out. “It’s not a deep cut though, it won’t leave a scar. He’s mad at me because…” he doesn’t get to finish the sentence, Castiel cuts him cold.

“He won’t kiss me, Gabe!” he looks at Dean for a moment, angry and stubborn, “Gabe knows, Freckles, everybody at home knows.” And then he lays his head on the cushion and looks up to the ceiling, “I have gay parents, of course they all know”

Dean startles at Gabriel’s amused snort, “Well, I see he’s relaxed enough. What did they give him? God, he’s so high.” Gabriel extends his hand to shake Dean’s, “You must be Freckles then.” He swipes his eyes over Dean from head to toes, “I’ve seen better but I can see Cassie’s point, you’re easy on the eyes. I’m Gabriel, Castiel’s blood brother. Our other two brothers are at the University. I stood home because I’m just in culinary school.”

Both men turn to see Castiel as he says, “Not only cooking school, you’re an amazing pastry chef, Gabe! Now, you Winchester, beat it!” he closes his eyes and cover them with his forearm.

“Shame on you, Cassie. You’re being impolite with your guest” Gabriel tsks.

“You know nothing, Gabe! He said he’ll never kiss me. If he didn’t want to do it in front of the school I would have understand it… but he said _never_!... but I kissed him and now I know! I FUCKING KNOW NOW, WINCHESTER” Cas yells, “I know you liked it, I felt it! I can tell! You’re not fooling me, you know? Now, get the hell out of my house. If you ever stop lying to yourself, then you can call me. I’ll see you at Home Ed.” He turns to face the back of the couch and asks Gabe to escort Dean to the door.

“Fine, Cas. Again, I’m sorry. I’ll see you at Home Ed.” Dean says in a low voice.

Gabriel walks Dean out, “Don’t mind him, Dean, he’s just high, he’s gonna forget about it all by tomorrow. I’m gonna call our doctor as soon as you leave. My parents are gonna freak out about this.”

“Yeah, I bet they will” Dean looks towards the couch before leaving, “He’s right though, I did say I’ll never kiss him” he can’t believe his voice sounds almost embarrassed.

“Coming out is never easy. I’m currently dating a girl, but I used to date a boy a while ago… but that’s a story for a ton of booze and another day. He’ll come around, I know my baby brother. Dean wait!” Gabriel stops him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Please don’t hurt him. The last person he fell for, broke him. If you don’t like him or you don’t want to date him please just step aside. He’ll suffer less if you break up with him now that he’s only got a crush on you. Promise me you’ll think about it, make a decision and stick to it.” He palms Dean’s shoulder trying to put an end to his speech.

“I’m not gay… but I can promise to think about it and do it when the time is right for him”

“Yeah, I’m not gay either. But I do like both guys and girls, that’s called being bisexual. You just like both genders. I know it’s difficult, Dean; with the society and family pressure and standards to live up to, trust me Dean, you just try to do what makes you happy, no matter if with Cassie or not. But if my brother makes you happy, just don’t miss the opportunity just because of society crappy rules. Whatever you decide, Dean, just make sure you let him know. If friendship is all you can offer, tell him that, make sure he understands. I don’t want to put more weight on your shoulders but just hurry up. He can be all tough on the outside, but he’s a teddy bear and he’s easily hurt.” Gabriel gazes inside as he hears Castiel yelp in pain. “Now, I’ll let you go and think. Please don’t come back to see him until you have an answer to the question. Either you decide to date him or be his friend. I know my brother, with him it’s all or nothing. Understood?”

“Yeah, I get it. Thanks Gabriel. I don’t know if I will ever see him again outside school. Take care of him, please. I do care what happens to him, regardless anything else.”

“I know Dean, now go and think about it. Just be happy, okay?”

They shake hands and Gabriel goes inside to take care of his brother.

* * *

Dean arrives home fifteen minutes later. His whole family is there. Sam got a ride from a friend and is already doing homework, the nerd. Mary is cooking, and John is watching TV.

“How’s your friend, Dean?” John asks him as soon as he enters. “Sam says he got some kind of accident in school”

Sammy, right, of course that’s how his dad _knows_. “Not an accident, he was beaten. He’s okay I guess, high on meds but he’s gonna be alright. I left him with his brother, he’s taking care of him”

“Good, you’re a good friend. Sam speaks highly of him, they have some AP classes together. Are we gonna meet him soon?”

“We’ll see Dad, he wears modern clothes and eyeliner, but I’m sure you’ll like him, he’s very smart.” Dean says even if he’s pretty certain it’s not gonna happen.

“The outside is not important, Dean.” Mary calls from the kitchen door, “I think you need to learn more about this boy’s inside- his heart, you know, son? That’s all you need to do to call somebody a _friend_ ”

Sam tries to hide a giggle, barely making it. Dean notices, though.

“Bitch” Dean whispers.

“Jerk” Sam fake coughs.

“Stop it, you two! I can hear you from here!” Mary says from the kitchen, and John laughs in the living room. “Dean, we haven’t heard from Rhonda in a while. How is she?”

Dean sits by the counter and sighs, “We broke up, Mom. After prom night she realized I didn’t love her the way she wanted me to. Rhonda deserves better. She said she didn’t want to be a consolation prize” Mary looks at him reprovingly, “Her words, not mine, Mom.”

Mary stops cooking and cradles Dean’s face, “I’m sorry, baby” she says sweetly.

“It’s okay, Mom. I cared about her but I wasn’t in love.”

“I see, baby. Still, it’s sad, you were dating for like a year, right?” She pats his hair.

“Almost, Mom, really though, it’s okay. Don’t worry” he tries his best to make his smile look reassuring.

Mary nods and goes back to cooking, Dean tries to help her but she refuses so he goes and sits by John and watches the game with him, Sam joins them after a while, once his homework is done.

After dinner the boys go to back to the TV room and start a Star Trek TNG marathon and the usual banter starts after the first episode.

“Picard is so much better than Kirk, dude” Sam says while the credits roll.

“Dude, Kirk can kick Picard’s ass with his eyes closed” Dean snorts and starts punching Sam on the shoulder.

“Okay, okay… dude, okay! Let’s say they both kick ass” Sam calls a truce.

“Bullshit” Dean whispers hitting Sam once more on the arm, “Because next you’ll tell me that Ryker is better than Spock”

“No one is better than Spock, Dean” Sam rolls his eyes.

They agree to that and continue to watch TV for a while.

“Dean?” Sam can tell Dean’s mood is not his usual.

“What? I’m watching Star Trek, bitch” And that reaction confirms Sam’s suspicions.

“Dean you’re sad and not even Star Trek is lifting your mood up, I bet is heavy. What happened at Castiel’s?”

Dean sits straighter and takes a look around to make sure none of their parents is at ear range, and he still whispers, “He kissed me, just a peck when I helped him into the Impala. I said no, not then nor ever and he went nuts, threw me out of his house. I met one of his brothers, Gabriel, and he lectured me; he told me that Cas had been hurt in the past and that I needed to make a decision. He said that I had to decide if I wanted to be with him as a friend, as something else or not at all”

That got all Sam’s attention, “Oh and Gabe…” he pushes Dean to continue talking.

“Sammy, Cas has two dads- of course everybody knows that by now-. Gabriel is his blood brother and he’s bisexual. There’s nothing simple about Castiel. I’m tired, I need to think and make decisions. Do you mind to clear the popcorn bowl from the table? Mom is gonna be pissed if we leave the couch like this. I’ll go to bed and do some thinking.” Sam nods and Dean goes upstairs with his mind already musing upon his decisions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	4. 1985 – Iowa City - Adam’s Classroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, I was so mad at you, Freckles” Castiel smiles fondly at the memory.  
> “You think I don’t know? I had a lot of thinking done that week. And a lot of talking with Adam, too.”  
> “I know” Cas nods.

* * *

**Los Angeles – Present time**

 

“Oh, I was so mad at you, Freckles” Castiel smiles fondly at the memory.

“You think I don’t know? I had a lot of thinking done that week. And a lot of talking with Adam, too.”

“I know” Cas nods.

“Actually...” Dean takes a second to look at the questioning look in his man's face, “Actually you don't. Adam and I did talk everyday that week. He just knew how to handle kids. We started talking about school and Sam, my family and college decisions, then he asked about Rhonda, you know, the reasons behind my inability to love her and the break up. That led to Lisa, as well, and to all the other girls I had hooked up over the time. And then, finally, it was you.” he points at Cas with the spatula and winks, “We talked a lot about you.”

“Huh, was that so?” Cas gives him a smartass smirk, “Hiding things from your husband for thirty years, though,” he tsks, “It doesn't really help your case, you know”

Dean blushes a bit and gives him a quick nod, “I know… it was my little secret at first and then with everything that happen I totally forgot to tell you. And yet,” he pauses for effect, “He was the one who taught me to be brave and find the courage to be myself with whatever made me happy. I found that being gay or bisexual or whatever didn't make me any different than the boy next door, I finally understood that if my actions wouldn't hurt anyone, then it was okay to follow my heart.” he shrugs as if it had been no big deal, even though Cas can see it actually had been, and for a good reason.

“Ah, you see, Adam has always been a wise man.” taking the eyes away from Dean, Cas takes interest in the label of his beer bottle and distractedly says, “Fucking gorgeous and wise…” he turns his head to look up to the man across the table, furrows and in a serious tone he adds, “What am I even doing with you?”

Dean snorts, “Well, I suppose you haven't finished counting my freckles, yet.” he takes a swing of his beer and clears his throat, “I bet I forgot to tell you that we talked about my crush on him, too. Uh? Oh man, it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life but he was so cool and open about it that I felt at ease, he even introduced me to his boyfriend, well, his husband now. Matt is an awesome guy too. They showed me that it was alright being happy by being yourself”

“I wish I was there… I was figuratively walking on the ceiling, they were the longest two weeks of my life.”

“I'm not gonna take all the responsibility for that, you know, your brother had a lot to do, too. Gabriel told me, and I quote, 'It's all or nothing', and of course at that time I had no idea of what I wanted, so I kept away”

“My brother has always been a bit nosy, I give you that. His intentions were good, though.” a loop-side smile shows in his face.

Dean smiles too, “I know, I know… but at that time...” he trails off as if trying to find the right words, “The thing is that I would still be secretly wanting you with all I have if he hadn't forced me to make a decision.”

“Yeah, I get that. I think you should make him his favorite pie this weekend, I think he earned that much.”

* * *

**1985 – Iowa City - Adam’s Classroom**

 

Dean can't help but to feel that the last 24 hours were pure torture. He’s felt torn between his body and heart's desire and what his mind dictated as the proper thing to do, society norms be damned. 

He hasn’t slept, his mind is a swirl of possibilities, a map of actions and consequences. He  _ wants _ . But he just  _ can't _ . Not yet, he needs to talk to somebody. Lisa and Sam are out of the question. So is Jo, his cousin. Mom or Dad are not even an option. The only person left who actually _ knows _ and that he could talk to is Rhonda but, again, she's still not talking to him. Fuck his luck.

Dean is nothing but a body moving around the school, going from one class to the other by the force of habit, not even bothering to pay attention, well not that much anyway, he still takes notes and answers questions when addressed by the teacher, it's good that the teachers have a high opinion of him so they won't bother him with questions about his obvious apathy.

In between classes thing are no different. He’s walking the corridors in automatic when he spots Adam in his classroom, all by himself. The teacher calls out to him.

“Hi Dean! Why are you wandering around the hallway?” Adam waves his hand to invite Dean in.

“Hi, Mr. Lambert. Free period.” he resumes.

“Please, Dean, we're not in class. You can call me Adam” the teacher rolls his eyes and Dean finds it fascinating. “I've seen you walking in front of my classroom three times today, I'd say you've done it on purpose… is that so, Dean? Do you want to talk to me and can’t find the courage?” he teases.

“Well.. I… I don't know… maybe...” Dean mumbles, “Look, Adam, I don't know why I'm here, I think I just need to talk to someone and I saw you alone here and I figured… sorry, forget it, it was a lame idea...” he cuts himself out.

“Dean” Adam uses a commanding and still inviting tone, “please, sit. I told you. I'm here for you”

“I don't know… I… I...” Dean looks at the floor, blushing furiously.

“Okay, let's do something. We'll start easy, Let's talk about school or… or Sam, you like talking about your brother, right?”

That wins a smile from the boy and the teacher knows he's won. The kid is gonna eventually open up and will take his own decision but he can be a lending ear. So they talk about school, and the prospect of college time. Dean has no idea what he wants to be, he likes cars and also loves cooking, playing guitar is a close third. He also likes kids.

They discuss those options, possibilities of employment and priorities on Dean's part when the next period bell rings.

“All in all then, you can be an engineer, a cook, or a teacher. Good and respectable careers all of them.” He sighs as the first kids enter the classroom for the next period, “Now, good talk. Go to your next class. We'll continue with this conversation whenever you feel like talking again. Deal?”

* * *

That first meeting sets the parameters of Dean's next week. He talks to Adam everyday. They sometimes talk about Sam, or his parents, and the way their house works. Dean, as probably three quarters of his classmates, complains about his mom and dad being good people but old fashioned. John is always lecturing Sam about the inappropriate style of the pop groups he listens to, with all the makeup and odd outfits they wear, he enjoys ranting about the new trends, predicting it will take the society to its lowest level ever.

At a point and out of nowhere Dean makes a few questions about Adam and his lifestyle, but the subject is quickly changed in favor of Lisa and some other friends that Dean usually hangs out with. Until one day Rhonda becomes the topic in their conversation.

“I don't know, Adam. She's awesome and I really wish I could love her the way she deserves.” Dean says in a low voice, clearly embarrassed by that fact.

“Ah, you see, Dean… nobody can pick who to love. Love cannot be controlled or programmed… it just _ is _ , it happens and it never asks for permission. But it's also magic and amazing, terrifying and scary… but the best thing that can happen to anyone.”

“So i've heard, but I don't get it… she's smart, and funny, and beautiful, and all the good a girl can be. I liked her like a lot and I tried really hard to fall for her. We dated for over a year and I never stopped trying, but at the end she was just a companion, someone I could feel content with, so I wouldn't be alone.” Dean pauses as if trying to decide whether he should continue, but a few seconds later he realizes he has poured his heart already so what the hell, “Sex was awesome… well, not that we actually  _ had  _  sex, I mean, we never got to the final base. We wanted to wait until college because we didn't want to get pregnant by accident or something, so we stuck to the rest of the stuff. I'm not a virgin but I never did it with Rhonda” Adam smiles at this, kids always have to make it clear they are not virgins, “I respect her, and I may have a reputation but I'm not an animal.”

“Of course you're not, Dean, I don't think anyone thinks that of you. Sex is something big and important but it's always better if you do it with someone you care for.”

Dean nods, then he frowns, “Can I ask you a very personal question?” Adam raises his eyebrows, “You don't have to answer, though.”

Adam smiles, as if ready for the question, probably guessing Dean's train of thought, “Tell me”

Dean clears his throat, “How is it to have sex with another guy?”

Adam laughs and nods, he just _ knew _ Dean was gonna ask something like that, “Not that different from sex with a girl, not that I would know because I've never had sex with a woman but still. If you're asking about the technicalities, I could lend you a book, but if you mean like in general, sex with a person you like can be pretty awesome.” The teacher checks Dean's reaction before continuing, “On the other hand, sex for sake of sex itself can be satisfactory for a minute or two but it will certainly leave a hole in your chest. Guys have feelings too, you know, we may act tough and liberal but everything else disappears when you find the right person, and there's nothing more perfect than that.” Adam smiles when he sees Dean nodding enthusiastically, “About the act itself I can only tell you that the only difference is that you need to be more prepared when sex is with other man, you need more than condoms, you need also lubricant. Look, I’ll lend you the book, I promise it's gonna be really helpful, only I have to ask you to be really discreet about this, okay? Because it could get me in a lot of trouble.”

“Yeah, well, I don't really know if I wanna know...” Dean sounds more embarrassed than anything.

“Uh huh, well… something tells me that if you were not really interested you wouldn't have asked, so…” the bell rings, Adam stands up and so does Dean, “Free period is over, go to class Dean. I'll see you tomorrow and I'll bring the book, just take it home and browse through it over the weekend, if you want we can talk about it on Monday. By the way,” He says when Dean is about to leave the classroom, “Have you heard anything from Castiel?”

Dean turns around and lets out a heavy sigh, “No, just what you said in class.”

“I see, okay, go now.” he dismisses Dean.

* * *

Friday periods have never gone so fast and so slow at the same time, Dean doesn't seem to be able to focus on anything. When the bell rings announcing his free period all the excitement and nervousness he's been holding back, come in a rush. The freaking book has not left his mind since the talk with Adam the previous day. He walks through the corridors so fast that he's stopped by his History teacher for running, “Sorry, sir!” apologizing was faster than explaining himself.

By the time he gets to Adam's classroom door, Dean is breathless, “Hello, Dean. How are you today?” Adam smiles at him from the border of his cup of coffee.

“Hi, Adam.” Dean sits in front of Adam's desk and tries to control his breathing, “I don't know… weird? I keep wondering if I really want to read that book and at the same time I really want to read it. I'm crazy… I know” Dean closes his eyes and presses his pluff lips in a thin line. He opens his eyes at the sound of something hitting the desk in front of him.

“Here. The book is in this bag, don't take it out until you're at home alone in your bedroom. And don't torture yourself, Dean, you're not crazy… you're just like any other guy, just with a different taste and feelings.”

Dean hums, “Could we talk about something else?” he says while taking the bag and putting it on his lap.

“Of course, is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about?” he throws a knowing smile at the kid.

Dean looks up and asks very seriously, “Have you heard anything else from Cas?”

Adam leans back on his chair, sips his coffee and looks straight into Dean's eyes, “He's doing better. One of his fathers called the principal this morning and told him that Castiel's ankle is almost healed by now and that the bruises on his back are also healing up pretty well. His broken heart, though, that's gonna take longer to fix.” he lets that sink into Dean.

“Broken heart?” Dean looks genuinely confused. “What d'you mean _ broken heart _ ”

“Well, Dean, what were you expecting. It's been two weeks and you haven't called or passed by. I think he believes you've made your choice, already.”

“But that's not fair! I haven't made a choice yet! This is an important matter… life changing even, I can't make a decision out of the blue… I'm still as confused as the first day!”

Adam can see that Dean is about to enter in panic mode so he tries to make him relax, “Dean, look, it's okay… you can choose not to date him and nobody is gonna judge you, not even him.”

“No, Adam, you don't understand! I don't know what I want!” Dean looks at the ceiling and continues, “He's funny and gorgeous, and so fucking smart, like really smart and his eyes...” he smiles at the ceiling, dreamy, “His eyes are so beautiful and the way they spark when he smiles… and don't get me started with his bed hair or the body… he makes me smile and blush and I don't know...” he sighs and tries to hide his face with his hands.

Adam reaches out and stops him, “Dean, look at me” he asks the kid, “It's okay not knowing… trust me, you'll figure it out.” he gives him an easy smile and changes the subject, “Now, tell me Winchester, have you put any thoughts on college and majors?”

“I did, actually” he replies, proud to have been strong enough to think of something else than his pending decision, “I think I'd really like to teach but I’m not sure what subject yet…”

“I'm glad to hear that, Dean, you have a  _ je ne sais quoi _ that makes the kids listen when you talk… you're very good at several things, actually… let's see...” he drinks the last of his coffee, “You could be a teacher and an engineer, you could even be a cook! You could teach both subjects and also be a pilot… You just need to follow your passion.” Adam looks at his watch, gets to his feet, circles the desk and pats Dean on the back. “Think about this over the weekend, Dean, now go to your next class. See you on Monday, kiddo.”

* * *

Dean arrives home early, Sam has an AP class, mom and dad are at work so he has the house to himself for a while. He rushes in and goes up to his bedroom, sits on his bed and stares the bag in his hands, a thousand doubts piling up in his brain. What to do? What if the book holds the answer he’s seeking for or what if it confuses him further? Dean takes the book out of the bag and drops it over the covers, he glares at it and it’s a luck he has to blink or he’d be burning a hole through it by the intensity of his gaze. 

He just got the guts to open the book when a soft knock on his door startles him, and he understands that at a point he must have retreated to the privacy of his head, cataloguing the pros and cons of opening the fucking book, losing track of time..

“Dean, you’re in there, honey?” Mary asks through the closed door.

“Yeah, mom, come in” he invites her while throwing a pillow on top of the book.

“Hi, baby, long day at school? You look tired” She asks concerned.

“Hi, mon, yeah… it was a stressful day but I’ll be okay in a while” Dean puts on an easy smile he doesn’t feel at all, for the sake of her mother’s peace of mind.

“Okay then, I’ll start dinner. You get to choose today, what you wanna eat?” she smiles back.

He thinks for a split second and the he says, uncertain, “Mmmm, spaghetti and meatballs, maybe? That would be nice”

“Spaghetti and meatballs it is” she smiles but Dean can see the doubt underneath the bright facade, as if she were trying to figure out her older son.

Mary leaves the room closing the door behind her and Dean sits a bit straighter on the bed, he takes the pillow off the book and he feels suddenly braver than he has felt in the past couple of weeks. 

He opens the book, reclines on the bed headboard, legs crossed at the ankles and starts passing the pages. He soon realizes it’s nothing like a medical book, it actually explores many different topics and Dean finds it fascinating and easy reading, he can’t understand why they don’t give it to read at SexEd. He goes through the first chapters about feelings, puberty, general sexuality and then, almost at the end of the book, it starts talking about actual sex. It’s really a good read, he learns a lot about having sex with a woman and with a man. Some things he already knew (duh) but some others are surprisingly new, some pretty awesome and some others, plain weird. Dean is not a heavy reader but he’s so got up in this book that by the time dinner is ready he’s gone through most of the most important chapters.

He eventually gets to the male gay sex but he’s not frightened anymore, he reads it eagerly but with caution, paying extra attention. He’s surprised to read that it’s not that different from what he had already figured out by himself… problem is, the book is not really answering any of his original questions. He still likes Cas but has no idea what to do with it. The book doesn’t tell him what to do with his wet dreams or the hard on he wakes up with  _ every fucking day. _ In fact the book raises more questions than it brings answers.

* * *

Weekend catched Dean at the mall with Sam and Jess, who had insisted on him coming along with the excuse to keep Sam’s company while Jess picks up a dress and shoes for whoever’s sweet 16 party. 

“Guys, seriously, I trust you with my life here. You’ll be my eyes, don’t let me pick anything that makes me look too Madonna or Allison Reynolds. Okay?”

The brothers nod and share an amused look, sided with an eyeroll, faking tediousness. Which turns into a less fake one when two hours later she’s still trying on dresses and buying none. At a point they start to wonder whether they’ll leave the mall any time this century.

“Jess, it’s the tenth store we enter… please, pick up something already. Anything! Yo look beautiful even in a cardbox.” Sam practically whines.

“To you, Winchester, but I really need to look perfect this time” She dismisses him while diving into a pile of clothes in the half price rack, moving quickly to the novelty section.

Dean laughs at his brother but he should have known better, destiny is a bitch. When he looks to the left he sees Gabe smiling at him, coming closer by the second, hand in hand with a gorgeous olive skin girl.

“Hey, Dean-o! How are you?” he shakes Dean’s hand and smiles at the couple next to him.

“Hi, Gabriel” he barely sighs out, “This is my brother Sammy”

“ _ SAM _ ” the younger Winchester corrects, shaking Gabe’s hand.

“Yeah, yeah..And this is his girlfriend, Jessica.” 

Gabriel shakes her hand, “Hello guys, this is my girlfriend, Kali”

Introductions finished, Dean clears his throat and asks, “How’s Cas?”

“He’s doing okay. His bruises are healing but…”

“I know, his heart will take longer” Dean cuts him barely whispering.

“What?” Gabe asks confused.

“Nothing. I’m glad he’s doing good” Dean fakes a smile and is about to turn around to leave when Gabriel talks again.

“Say we, men, grab a coffee and leave the girls to do their shopping. They can cancel out together.” Gabe proposes and Dean nods.

“Yeah, let’s do that and save Sam in the process, too.” he smiles a little more honestly now.

“Okay, girls. Men are gonna be at the food court. You go on with your clothing hunt, and look for us when you’re finished.” He announces, “Samm-o, c’mon, join us.” Gabe grabs Sam by his shirt sleeve and drags him with them.

Ten minutes later they sit at a table at the center of the food court holding theirs coffees and pastries, Gabriel takes a bite of his and throws it on the table.

“This danish sucks… so, pretty boy, when are you going to come by the house?”

“Excuse me? You asked me to make a decision, I still haven’t. I’m sticking to your orders. I don’t wanna hurt him”

“Yeah, well, I was mad and being an ass… not to mention completely wrong. Come to visit. You could go after the girls are done with their shopping, hell, you can all come over. He’ll be happy about it. He’s bored to his ass.” Gabe snorts at his own joke.

Dean is about to decline but Sam cuts him with a punch on the arm, “ _ YES _ ” he practically shouts on Dean’s ear.

“ _ SAMMY _ !” Dean screams horrified at his brother sudden socializing mood. 

“What?” the younger brother exclaims, “You want to see him but you’re a coward. I’m tired of you moping around like a restless spirit. Go. See him. Talk to him. He’ll be happy to see you.  _ Grow. A. Pair _ .” he punctuates.

Dean turns in his sit to face his brother, killing him with his look, but before he could say something or, you know, kill him, whatever comes first, Gabe interrupts them.

“Come on, Dean-o! What’s the harm? Who knows, maybe you get your answers faster this way.

Dean breathes out in a puff and lowers his head for a second, looks up and nods, “Okay, I’ll go”

* * *

They take their respective cars and Dean curses all the way to Castiel’s house. Gabe drives like a maniac and, since he doesn’t want to scratch his Baby, following Cas’ brother while he changes lines and honks at the crossroads but doesn’t slow down to check if there’s a car coming or not, well, it’s rather difficult. Being nervous about the prospect of seeing Castiel after two weeks of thinking 24/7 of him is not helping either.

They park at Gabe’s entrance and Dean lingers by the car, inspecting the hood as if anything had happened to it. Sam takes Jess by the hand and they walk slowly to the front door. Sam smiles wide when he hears his brother run after them and they get to the door at the same time that Gabe opens and shouts inside.

“Hide your package, baby bro! We’ve got visits!” winning a smack oh the chest by Kali and a curse from Castiel.

“Gabriel  _ PLEASE _ !” he shouts from inside the house and Dean can  _ hear  _ him blush.

When the door closes, Cas raises on his elbows to look over the back of the couch where he’s lying, for a second everything he sees is Cas’ eyes locked on his, for a second he sees his eyes go wide and hopeful but then almost instantly, the dull mask is back on and he greets them with all with a tired smile.

“Hello, Sam and Dean and a girl I don’t know the name of” He smiles faintly.

Jess emits a little laugh, “That would be me!” she rolls her eyes, amused, “I’m Jessica, Sam’s girlfriend” she extends her hand to Cas,

He takes it, “Hi, there, Jessica. I’m Castiel” He gives her a social smile and lies back down.

Dean is fighting his own feelings, he wants to kill the person who did this to Cas but he also wants to lean on and kiss him better, not even caring that their brothers and their girlfriends are in the room.

Instead, he kneels by Castiel’s side and takes his hand, “Now, i see you are really making progress.” a timid smile breaks in his lips.

Cas takes his hand off Dean’s as if it’d burn and sighs, “Yes, I truly am. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m tired. You are welcome to stay in my house, my brother will keep you all company.”

Castiel sits up, takes the covers and starts walking towards the stairs with the intention to go to his room. Dean follows really close, refraining himself from taking him by the hand.

“You could fall from the stairs, Cas… I can’t be around to save you every time, you know” Nervous Dean trying to be funny, well… he never is.

“Uhm, funny, Freckles.” Cas muses.

“What’s funny?” Dean frowns.

“You are. You disappearing for ten days after the incident and then coming over and acting as if nothing has happened at all”

Dean freezes in site for a moment, as if Cas’ words were a slap to his face, then he reaches out for Cas shoulder stopping him before he could take the first step on the stairway.

“You’re right, Cas, I was a ass. Please, let me help you get upstairs. What d’you say, Cas? Princess style?” Dean smiles while delicately taking the wounded boy in his arms.

“Dean, put me down, don’t do this” Cas pleases.

“I never do things on purpose, Cas. Well, except taking you princess style now that you’re not high on meds.” Dean winks and Cas can’t help a little smile.

“Okay, carry me to my bedroom.” He concedes.

They enter Castiel’s bedroom and Dean whistles, he doesn’t know what he was expecting to find, but what he sees is total order, cleanness to point of perfection; a shrink would instantly say it’s exactly the opposite of what Cas wants the world to see in his exterior appearance.

“Wow, who the fuck lives here? Are you borrowing the bedroom from one of your brothers?”

Cas rolls his eyes, it’s not exactly that he’s not in the mood for joking, it’s just that the closeness to Dean is driving him crazy and he had promised to himself he wouldn’t bother his classmate. He really tried.

“I like order, Dean. Please put me on my bed” Cas asks trying to sound unaffected by Dean’s body warm and perfume.

Dean complies and tries to untangle from Castiel’s body to let him get comfortable but Cas just shanks him closer, “Stop me, Dean… If you want none of this, please stop me right now” Their lips are not even five inches away, their noses almost touching. They don’t seem to be able to break eye contact. Castiel’s breath over his mouth is too much for Dean to fight.

Their breaths are mixing and Dean’s heart is jumping on his chest and beating as if he has just ran a marathon. The moment he looks down at Castiel’s lips he knows he’s doomed.

“Dean… please… stop me” but Dean won’t move an inch, he can’t, he doesn’t want to. Cas closes the gap between them, tilts his head a bit and stops right before their lips touch. “All or nothing at all, Dean”, he says while tentatively touching Dean’s lips with his. Dean stays still, eyes still closed. Good. Cas’ hand keeps caressing Dean’s neck. Dean is lost, he can’t help but to part his lips and lick Castiel’s, making him whimper and tremble in his arms. It’s a soft sound, barely audible, but he opens his mouth and bites Dean’s lower lip, who opens his mouth to let Cas’ tongue enter in a slow tentative move, licking inside, deepening the kiss. 

Thirty years from now they won’t remember if the kiss had lasted a minute or an hour, all the memory they will have is that it had been the best first kiss they’ve ever had in their young life. 

They continue to drink from each other’s mouths until Dean breaks the kiss as slowly as they started it and untangling from Castiel’s limbs he stands up and turns around, leaving Cas on the bed, leaning towards him as seeking for Dean’s warmth.

Dean paces around, pulling his hair into his fists, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I never… I don’t… I… please, Cas… I won’t…” he mumbles, incoherent and worried.

“You won’t what, Winchester?” Castiel says harder than intended, he’s tired and has waited for that kiss for a long time now, he had gotten to a point of believing he would never get it, “You would never kiss me again? Is that what you’re trying to say?” He sits on the bed as fast as he can, “I say  _ BULLSHIT _ , I warned you… I begged you  _ twice  _ to stop me… you can lie to the world, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t deceive  _ me _ , Dean. You wanted this as much as I did”

Dean turns to look at Castiel but keeps his head down, looking at the floor and shyly says, “No, Cas… not the kiss…”

“Then what?” Cas spats angrily.

“It’s just that I don’t want to give you false hope… I don’t really have the answer yet to the  _ all or nothing at all _ request…” he looks up into Cas’ eyes, apologetically. 

Castiel sighs and tilts his head as if trying to figure his friend? boyfriend? classmate?, “Well… I guess at least I gave you something real to think about, uh? I like you, Dean… I like you like a fucking lot… I like you like a flower likes the rain. You can come back whenever you want, Dean. But be aware that,  _ this _ ? This is gonna happen again, even if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do”

Dean takes a moment and Cas sees that he’s struggling with his own thoughts, absorbing every word he’s said, clinging to them. He finally shakes his head to clear it and runs his fingers through his hair, trying to make himself presentable again.

“Do you need anything else?” he says in a low nervous tone.

Cas smiles knowingly, “No, Dean, thank you.” He lays back on his back and crosses his arm over his eyes, “You can’t give me what I want. You… just go… Come back tomorrow if you want”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	5. 1985 - Iowa City - Winchester house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was a crazy week. I remember crying myself to sleep to resume crying when I woke up” he smiles to hide a bit the bitterness in his tone.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

“It was a crazy week. I remember crying myself to sleep to resume crying when I woke up” he smiles to hide a bit the bitterness in his tone. 

It’s not that it still bothers him, it’s a long forgotten and forgiven subject or they wouldn’t have gotten this far. Over the years he has only remembered those days a handful of times, and only because something triggered it. This is the first time it comes up in a conversation with Dean. He can take it as a man. It’s the love of his life standing in front of him, and they’re in a roll of memories so he can walk through this without showing.

“I know, Blue, I’m sorry” Dean can’t tell any of Castiel’s mood changes but he still feels bad for what happened thirty years ago. 

Castiel looks honestly confused by Dean’s apologetic tone, they haven’t talked about this in years but not because it hurt… not anymore, it was just the past and their present has always been so fucking intense that the past has always been the memory of how it all started and nothing more.

“Why Freckles? You don’t have to be… everything we’ve ever done and said led us to who and where we are…” he cradles Dean’s hand, consciously softening his own expression, “so, you should never be sorry for the past, my love”

“I know, Blue, it’s just… I sometimes think of it and I can’t help seeing my younger self as a stupid kid” Dean takes a swig of his beer. “I was, wasn’t I?”

“No way in hell, you were a fearful kid and anyway you must agree with me that the outcome was really  _ really  _ good, anyway”

Dean relaxes on his chair, looking at Cas through narrow eyes, “This is why I love you, Blue. So damned smart… and all mine.”

“Well, what can I say… Oh! I know! I want dessert,” he slams his palms against the table, “now!” Cas stands up, winking at the other clueless man while suggestively moving his hips as he walks around the table and plants a kiss on Dean’s temple. He completes the scene by holding out his hand to Dean, and helping him to stand up as well.

A bump of Castiel’s hips against his is what finally snaps Dean out of his confusion, “Oh!  _ THAT  _ kind of dessert… Uhm, I think I can manage it, Blue. Let me put the dishes in the dishwasher first, though. I hate a dirty kitchen in the morning”

Cas starts taking their plates from the table to help, “Fair enough… I’m afraid I got cravings, though, I’ll help you and you can tell me the rest of the story in bed”

* * *

**1985 - Iowa City - Winchester house**

A few weeks ago, Dean’s weekends were meant for slacking off, watching TV or helping his dad with the Impala maintenance, learning the parts and functions of the engine. Now his weekend is nothing but a twister of emotions running through his brain and blood. Happiness, arousal, sadness, anger, want, annoyance, love, surprise, desire, an uncontrollable  _ need to know. _

The former self confident, strong and straight forward young heartbreaker boy is now under a twirl of emotions which he finds hard to handle, the need to see Cas at the top of the list. He bites his lips and tries to keep himself busy with homework, he even cleans his bedroom winning a suspicious look from his mum as she passes by his door, but she wouldn’t say anything to break the spell, so she just moves on towards the towels cabinet on the hallway.

Dean was proud of himself, he was doing a great job at keeping his mind away from Castiel. Yeah, lying to himself was obviously the best idea, really helpful and mature. 

“Fuck it all” he mumbles to himself on Sunday around 5PM as he takes a coat and runs down the stairs, yelling from the door “I’ll be out for a couple of hours, mom!” and slamming the door shut without waiting for an answer. Mary watches the closed front door from the kitchen, holding up a wooden spoon in her hand, confused and amused.

“Leave it, mom” Sam suggests without even lifting his eyes from the book he’s reading on the kitchen table, “He’s been acting weird all week…”

Mary resumes stirring the filling for the pie, “He’s probably catching something…” she whispers.

“Rather someone” Sam can’t help but say, fortunately in a very low voice. Mary turns around with the resolution to make his younger son to spill painted in the face. She decides against it, though, Sam is so concentrated on his book that she would never dare to bother him on his  _ lawyer  _ mode. She wouldn’t notice, but once she’s back by the cook, Sam smiles triumphantly. 

Dean drives the Impala to the Novak’s house, using its purring to distract him from the fact that he’s dying to get to see Castiel  _ right fucking now _ . He parks and stays inside the car for a moment, he’s trying that bullshit yoga breathing that Jess had made the Winchester brothers learn to help her practice for a test of some shitty course she was taking. Who would have known it would be useful in the real world, yet here he is trying to even his breathing before heading towards the Novaks’ front door. 

Every step he takes it’s a lighter one, by the time he reaches the door and knocks he feels quite his true self… until the door opens. 

“Hi, Gabriel” he chokes out. A pair of unusually cold whiskey eyes are fixed on him from below, but by the way Gabe’s glaring at him he wouldn’t notice the height difference. 

“Hello, Dean,” Gabe greets in a very much Cas-like way, chin up, eyes narrowed, “I hope you know what you’re doing” he’s still blocking the door, making Dean look around nervously.

“Yeah,” Dean sighs out, left hand on his neck twitching his hair, “Well… I wish I could give you a straight answer, just…” he trails off, plushed lips clasped in a thin line.

Gabe seems to take pity on him, he moves to let Dean in, whispering as he goes through, “Don’t hurt him”

Dean bites his lower lip and slightly shakes his head, “Not my intention”

Gabriel rolls his eyes and carefully closes the door pointing to the stair. “He’s in his room, but the family is in the living room and if you wanna see him, you’ll have to meet them first. It’s my parents there, after all”

For a split second Dean toys with the idea of just turning around and simply hop in Baby and drive away, he’s not consciously made up his mind about Castiel and now he was meeting his parents? Yeah, well, that is too much in Dean’s book, thank you very much. He’s fidgeting from one foot to the other, hands inside his pants pockets and hunching. He is a funny sight if you’d ask Gabe, but again, there’s little about Dean that Cas’ older brother doesn’t find funny. 

“Uhm… Okay, yeah… Okay.” he finally says, dragging his feet towards the living room after Gabriel.

Gabriel makes a triumphant entrance into the living room, grinning and clapping his hands to attract everyone's attention. Two men look at him questioningly and a woman just rolls her eyes and goes back to drink her tea.

“Everyone… This is Dean...!” Gabe pats Dean on his back, making him almost trip over his own feet. Fall avoided, Dean waves his hand, with a nervous smile on the face. Yeap, Dean-o is fun.

“Dean, this is Papa Robert and that’s Dad Richard, and you already know Kali.”

Dean clears his throat and stands straighter, “Nice to meet you all” he says with a trembling voice.

The two fathers waive their heads and look at him with natural curiosity, waiting for some clarification.

“He’s here to see Cassie.” Gabriel finally informs.

“If that’s okay with you, Sirs”

Robert and Richard share a look and a little shrug, it takes Dean less than a second to recognize the exchange of the two men as something his own parents do, communicate with looks and tiny little body movements.

It’s Richard who breaks the silence and Dean is thankful that someone finally does, he was a second from falling apart out of anxiety, “As long as you two behave, we don’t see a problem.”

Robert rapidly says, “But, please… Dean, is it?” The kid nods, “Please take a sit for a second, would you like something to drink? A soda… water? Gabe…”

Dean faintly smiles and does as asked, “A soda it’s okay.”

It takes two minutes for Gabe to appear from the kitchen with a soda and toss it out to him, he points at the stairs. “Go tiger, he’s doing homework. Third door on the left.” He instructs, oblivious of the fact that Dean has already been there.

Dean looks at the parents with an unspoken request for permission, and as they nod their consent, he runs upstairs.

* * *

He’s in front of Castiel’s door, soda can in hand. Dean takes a deep breath and  _ finally  _ knocks.

“Come in” Castiel says and Dean opens the door. The books and notebook are forgotten in a second when Cas sees… well, when he sees Dean with a cocky smile one step inside his bedroom. A surprised smile show on the other kid’s face but less than a second after, a mask of indifference replaces it.

“Hello, Dean” he says in a gravely voice that does  _ not  _ do anything to Dean’s heart.

Dean scratches his nape without taking another step, just frozen by the open door. “Hi”

“Are you going to actually come inside or what? I like my door closed, you know?” Cas crooks his eyebrow.

Dean rolls his eyes and enters, closing the door behind, “No… no, sorry” he walks towards the bed and stands there, close enough but not too close. He looks at the can in his hand before glancing up to Castiel’s eyes, which are fixed on him. “Look, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I was driving Baby with no specific destination and then I was suddenly at your door.” He lies because lying is easier than facing the truth.

The lie must show in his face because Cas does not seem to buy it, like at all. “Sit, Freckles” he pats the mattress next to him, “I don’t bite...” he whispers with a mischievous light in his eyes, “... much.” 

Dean complies and sits on the edge of the bed,his back to the headboard; to be honest he’s so on the edge that if he happens to sneeze he would fall from it.

Cas shakes his head, smiling softly he whispers,  “Always so far away” he lays the book he was reading on his lap and, crossing his hands on top of it, he turns to face Dean, “How are you, Freckles?”

“I’m okay, I guess… how do you feel?”

“Ah, much better. The ankle is almost healed…” they both look at his ankle, which is kept high on top of a pillow, he touches his own face and biceps, “The bruises turned nasty shades of green, blue and yellow, as you can see... but they don’t hurt anymore, so there’s that” he shrugs. “These others are blue now, but it’s okay, they don’t hurt either” he says lifting his t-shirt and Dean gasps. Castiel smiles, satisfied. Mission accomplished.

“Well, well, Freckles… don’t pass out on me… breath… in… out… goooood!” He teases, making Dean flush red, “My cheek looks still horrible but the doctor says it won’t leave a scar. That’s a pity, scars are sexy… don’t you think?”

“Your face is too pretty for scars.” Dean says seriously, whispering.

“Oh… so… you’re saying I’m pretty?” Cas tries to remain serious but a smile cracks his facade, he has to bit his lower lip to keep it small. Seeing Dean red to his roots is not helping, though. “What are you doing here, Freckles?” He moves to the left, closing the distance between them a little but not too much, not yet, “Are you looking for more?” The smile is now big, predatory, “I could give you more.” Castiel takes off the cover from his good leg and moves to sit besides Dean. “I could give you whatever you want but this time you’ll have to ask.”

Dean does a lot of things in a span of seconds, he scratches his nape again, blinks really slowly, worries his lower lip, stops breathing for a moment and then he fights for words, “I don’t know Cas… I… I…” and stops breathing again.

Castiel puffs, “How’s school, Winchester?” He asks taking pity of him.

Dean releases a nervous breath, “School is good. I talk to Adam on the breaks sometimes. We’ve been talking about college and majors. I still don’t know what I wanna do, what  _ moves me _ , as he likes to say…”

“That’s good, Freckles. It’s good to know what you’re gonna do with your future.” Cas moves his hand towards Dean’s leg but stops before actually touching it, “I’ve known what I wanted to be since kindergarten, probably” his eyes brighten enthusiastically, “I want to be an apiarist and a botanist.” Dean throws an interested look at him, “Don’t look at me like that… I told you I liked bees and flowers. That wasn’t flirting.” He laughs, “I’ll probably double major, what do you think?” He tilts his head.

“I think that’s a great idea, Cas.” Dean’s hand distractedly brushes over Castiel’s as they talk, “I hope I can find what moves me before application time comes. We don’t have much money so I’ll probably go to community college, or if I’m lucky I can get to IU” Dean purposefully runs his fingers over Cas’ hand.

“That’s good. I want to go to Drake because it’s close to home but far enough to have a life of my own, also it’s not so expensive. I could even apply for a full scholarship, my grades are good.”

“That’s a nice choice, Cas. I wish I could go to Drake too. It’d be awesome. It’d be near enough to see Sammy and my folks every weekend or so” Dean’s eyes are on Cas’ but his fingers are tracing patterns in Castiel’s back of the hand.

“And why wouldn’t you go?” Castiel asks trying to look cool but dying by the thought of Dean’s fingers on his hand.

“Well, for one my grades are just okay, Cas, I’m nothing extraordinary. I could probably enter but I hardly think they would give me a full scholarship and we definitely can’t afford it” he says as if it’s just obvious. 

“You run, don’t you? And as I’ve heard you’re really good at it… you could apply for an athlete scholarship. That way you don’t even have to decide on what you’re gonna major right away.” He leans a bit further on, just a tiny bit, tasting his chances, “You could make a college application and then you can decide or change your decision if you find out that you’d prefer to major something else” 

Dean’s been listening carefully but his hand’s never remained still, finally his fingers interlace with Castiel’s and both kids go silent. 

Castiel’s startled by a nervous laugh, coming from Dean, “I have no idea of what I’m doing, Cas” Dean looks at the ceiling, resting his head back on the headboard, Cas sighs and leans his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“Oh, you’ll figure it out, Freckles, don’t worry, “ he squeezes his hand and runs his thumb over the back of Dean’s hand, “Don’t take too long, though” he finally says, looking up to the freckled boy’s face.

Dean feels as if his gravity center has been changed and he  _ has  _ to lean on towards Castiel he stops millimeters from that mouth that has kept him awaken for the majority of the week. “Can I…?” He sighs out, barely audible, Castiel nods, closing his eyes and waiting. Dean presses his lips softly against Cas’, a whimper escapes from the blue eyed boy and he opens his lips slightly, pecking him shamelessly, soft and tender but never rushing Dean. He lets the blonde take the lead. And it works. Dean feels encouraged, and keeps kissing Castiel in slow motion, licking the bottom lip, biting softly. They stay that way for a while, just pecking and holding hands, enjoying their lips touching without the rush to take it any further. 

Finally, Dean parts the kiss and Castiel sighs, his head back to Dean’s shoulder and Dean leans on it.

“I gotta go, Blue” Dean says, using the nickname that will stick forever.

“I understand, Freckles… please don’t take too long.”

Dean stands up and looks down at Castiel’s puffy lips, all relaxed and happy.

“Bye, Cas”

Dean walks to the door and turns around before closing it, to see Castiel returning to his position on the bed, crawling into a ball. Dean rushes to leave, he has to go now before he begins to freak out and go and do something stupid.

* * *

It’s way past 1AM when Dean finally manages to get some sleep. He’s been tossing around, anxious but also excited with all the sensations and feelings he’s been hyper aware of, after leaving Castiel’s. Dinner was a torture, because he was expected to engage in conversation with his family and, even when Sammy did his best to take the focus off of him, his father was, again, bitching about his grades.

He was so in need to be alone and finally be able to think that he asked to be excused before dessert and that left the other three shocked and speechless. Dean could actually  _ feel  _ the silence as he climbed the stairs.

So when Monday morning finally broke, he got up and did everything zombie-like. He brushed his teeth, took a warm shower to wake up himself (not currently working, thanks), he went downstairs and had breakfast in silence, the whole conversation he had the day before with his  _ classmate _ replayed in the privacy of his own mind. That’s until Sam kicks his ankle under the table, that shakes Dean out of his autism to face his mother who was waiting for an answer to some question… what was the question he had no clue, though.

“Dude, are you gonna tell me what the hell happened last night?” Sam begins his waterfall of questions once they’re in the car and heading to school but is quickly called off.

“Shut it, Sammy… it’s none of your business” Dean answers with a final tone, no room for arguing. 

Dean takes a ton shit of notes in his first periods, everything to avoid having to look up and show his concerned gaze to everyone. It’s the free period bell ring that gets him out of his shell. Of course he makes a beeline towards Adam’s classroom. He knocks on the door and enters, sitting without waiting for an invitation.

He doesn’t go straight to the subject, though. He needs some mindless topic to loosen up and get to the main thing, AKA Castiel. 

“How is it that you’re always alone in this classroom in the free period? Aren’t you supposed to be bonding with your fellow teachers or something?” Dean asks making the teacher almost spill his coffee.

“Good morning to you too, Winchester!” He leaves his mug to the side to avoid taining the papers he’s been grading. “I’m easily distracted and if I spend my free time in the teachers’ lounge I’d never have a single paper graded… trust me, I’m far more productive if I stay here…” he puts a stack of papers together with a rubber band and puts it aside, on top of more papers. “How was your week end? You look a bit stressed… more than usual” 

“I kissed him… twice” Dean’s head falls over his hands, embarrassed.

Adam has to bite his inner cheeks to stop himself from laughing at the kid’s candid reaction, but he’s not that mean and he actually likes the kid, “So?” He pushes a bit.

“So what?, Adam, I have no fucking idea… what should I do?” Cursing in front of a teacher. At school. 

Another first for Dean but Adam won’t call him on that, instead he takes his glasses off taking his time to clean them on his shirt tail before answering. “Not my place to tell you what to do, Dean… but I think you already know the answer to that. There’s a more vital question you need to ask yourself, Dean… what’s stopping you?”

“What’s stopping me, Adam? Seriously? Maybe in your experience it’s all been flowers and sun but in my case my family would stop talking to me altogether, I think the only one who wouldn’t care is Sammy, my dad would disown me… and I haven’t even started to think of everyone at school… they would never speak to me again and they will judge us, calling us names and more…”

“It’s always scary, Dean, but what can you do? Be the mop for the rest of your life? Be someone who you’re not just to be accepted? It’s never easy, I know that, trust me. But me? My mom invites me and Matt every holiday and she loves him with all her heart. The only thing she’s never overcome is the fact that she will never have grandchildren. My father is something different, it took him way longer to accept us, but now? He’s proud that my boyfriend is an architect.” Adam leans back on his chair and crosses his hands at his nape. “People can be surprising, Dean. My real friends never stopped talking to me, not even after finding out I was gay. I know this sounds silly but, if someone calls himself your friend but does not support who you are, then he’s not your friend at all. But,” he crosses his arms in front and raises his eyebrows, giving Dean a pensive look, “that’s a decision you have to make by yourself.” Adam leans forward over the desk and shrugs a bit, “I can always share my experiences with you but what you have to do with your life, it’s all your choice, and nobody else’s.” He seriously puts across.

Dean makes some nervous moves on the chair, scratches the back of his neck and sighs loudly… “I do like him…” he lifts his gaze to look at Adam in the eyes, “In my mind I call him Blue… and…” he fidgets with the words, “and the kisses we shared… I loved every second of them. Only…” Dean stands up, pacing in front of the desk with his hand on his hips, “what if… I mean, I don’t know, Adam… When I’m not with him all I do is missing his flirting and his smile….”

Adam nods, understanding and trying to help the kid see that this is nothing but okay, “I got a question for you, Dean.” the boy stops pacing to pay attention, “What stops you from doing what makes you really happy?”

“Besides my caveman Dad?” Dean jokes but won’t show any amusement, “maybe I’m waiting for a signal… but, truly, in my environment, what makes me happy is complicated to come out from”

Adam outright laughs at this, “Dean, relationships are always complicated. Gay or not. Hell, people are complicated. So, trust me, if you don’t follow with what makes you happy because people or complications, you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life. It takes guts to seek your happiness. Just be true to yourself, and ask ‘What does Dean want”

Dean sits and opens his mouth to argue or perhaps to agree, he doesn’t even know but Adam cuts him, “You don’t have to answer me, I strongly recommend you not to. Take your time to think. Here’s my home phone number, if I’m not here then that’s where you can reach me, just call me if you need anything out of school hours, I mean it, no matter the time. I’m here for you, boy”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	6. 1985 – Iowa city - November 1st. - Winchester house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Seven weeks, two mind blowing kisses and a lot of crying and you still did not want anything to do with this.” Castiel laughs against Dean’s crook of the neck after regaining his breath.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

Sex with Castiel will never cease to amaze Dean. it’s been over 29 years since their first time and it’s still always cheers and fireworks.

He’s lying on his back on the bed, with his man on top of him.

“Seven weeks, two mind blowing kisses and a lot of crying and you still did not want anything to do with this.” Castiel laughs against Dean’s crook of the neck after regaining his breath. “Imagine what we would be missing, uh?” He sighs contently when Dean looks up and caresses his hair, passing his fingers through as if Cas was his most precious possession. A shiver sends goosebumps to his arms. “Awe, Freckles, no one makes me a writhing mess like you do… no one makes me _want_ like you do… I’m 48 and I still feel the want for you every second of the day.” Cas kisses Dean’s jaw line, “It’s been 30 years and I still can’t believe I convinced you to give us a shot”

Dean grabs Castiel by the waist and spins them around, pinning him down and kissing him senseless.

Castiel does not fight it too fiercely, to be honest, but after a moment he has to breathe so he clears his throat and through a smile he says, “We’re not 18 anymore, Freckles… Mr. Blue don't get up anymore today…”

“I know” Dean chuckles, rolling his eyes, “Can’t I enjoy kissing you? Man, your lips are so sweet and soft and chapped and tender and…” a hand on his mouth stops him from continue praising the lips he can still feel in his.

“I know you love my lips, but you promised to keep telling me the story… I love the way you tell it and I think I’ve forgotten the next bit… I must be getting old, uh?”

“I’m older than you, so no, you’re not old. I forbid it.” Dean relaxes on his side, he kisses Cas’ shoulder and possessively crosses his arm on his man’s stomach. “And the next part is the best…” a wink makes Castiel laugh.

“Okay, then, let me hear it, story teller. Totally _bitchin’_.” They laugh harder at the old term.

“I may have not cried over that week, you know, but it was a twirl of classes and talks with Adam and missing you and closing my eyes to immediately feeling your lips against mine and the same damn question playing in my mind over and over again, and yet I did not know what to do. That was until…”

“Oh that’s where I come in, isn’t it?” Cas interrupts making Dean smile fondly at his impatience.

* * *

 

**1985 – Iowa city - November 1st. - Winchester house**

That was until Castiel calls Dean’s home on Friday afternoon.

“Hello?” A man’s voice greeted on the phone.

“Hello, this is Castiel Novak. May I speak with Dean?” He asks politely.

“Uh hello, Cas, it’s Dean” Dean chuckles.

“Oh, hi. You sound so different on the phone.”

“Yeah, I always get that.” He shrugs as if Castiel could see him over the phone.

“Oh.” there’s a minute of awkward silence, “How are you? How’s school? I miss school.” Cas complains.

“You miss school? Who misses school?” He scowls, “Well, you -obviously- and Sammy of course.”

“I do and you can’t mock me.”

“I wouldn’t, Blue.” he lowers his voice and Cas smiles at the other side of the line, imagining Dean’s sweet expression. “School is there… same old same old. I’m okay. My head hurts a little, though.”

“Must be all the thinking.” Cas teases.

“Ha ha, so now you’re funny…”

“Well, you know me, Freckles, I’m always funny.”

“Yes, you are, but you still haven’t told me why you’ve called.” He replies not really wanting to flirt over the phone and risk someone overhearing him.

“Right! You haven’t come over this weekend. My lips aren’t swollen anymore… they’ve healed and I even got my crotches taken off. I can walk by myself now, I’ll probably be back to school by Monday.”

“Great, Cas! That’s really great!” And he sounds truly happy to hear the good news. “Look, I didn’t want to hurt you, that’s why I didn’t go to your house.”

“I know, Freckles. I told you that you could take your time, but please, don’t take for ever.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean sounds almost embarrassed.

“Jesus Christ, Winchester! Enough with the apologies! Come and see me this weekend and we’ll talk… there is something I want to tell you.”

“Okay, what if I show up after dinner? Is it okay with your parents?” Dean concernedly asks.

“Awesome! Today at 7.30 will be fine. Fathers will be here and yes, they’re cool with you.”

“All right then, 7.30 it is.”

“Yay! It’s a date!” Cas joyfully conveys.

“Cas…” the blonde kid replies with a mortified tone.

“I’m joking, Freckles!... repeat after me,   _j-o-k-i-n-g._ See ya!” And he hangs up before Dean can have time to properly come back to that.

Dean stares at the handset as if it holds the answer to all his questions, and it probably does but he doesn’t have time for that. Real question tonight is did he just set up a date with Castiel?

He questions his own mind and cowardice because, let’s get real for a moment here, if Cas was a girl he’d be all excited and already picking up an outfit and having a very conscious _just-in-case-shower_ . But now all he’s capable of is to look at the phone and no, Cas specifically said _talk_. But it looks like a date, doesn’t it? And now it would be a good moment to have an aneurism. He’s gotta stop thinking so hard, he’ll figure out his own intentions towards tonight in time and, best scenario, his intentions will match Castiel’s.

He can’t decided if the weight he feels in his chest means he’s thrilled or terrified. Both, both is always a good answer.

“Mom! Where are you?” Out of nowhere his voice came back and it snapped him out of his numbness.

* * *

At 7.30 PM Dean is already at the Novak’s door, knocks and his hands go up to his hair in a nervous tic to check if it’s neat. Thank God his dad taught him to keep it short. Dad. Shit, this is not a good moment to think about his dad or the disappointment he’s about to become to him, but how to help it? John Winchester has always been a present and caring dad, and even if he’s always been a bit of bigot, he is still his dad and Dean loves him. But maybe the time to pretend being somebody else for the sake of keeping his dad proud is not worthy anymore. He’s all focused on these matters so when the door opens he jumps a little.

“Hello, Dean.” one of Cas’ dads greets him, Dean thinks it’s Richard but he can’t be sure… he looks a bit like Gabriel, though. “We’re in the living room, please come in.” the man sets aside to let him in, patting his back as Dean goes in, amused by the shy look on the kid, he also finds funny that his boy’s friend is not expecting the _meet the parents ambush_.

Dean shakes Richard’s hand (it is Richard, he’s pretty sure of it) and goes to the living room, he meets the gaze of the rest of the family. He chokes, clears his throat, “Hello, Sir. Gabe. Kali.” but his face lights up when he spots his friend, “Hi, Cas.” he says with a wide smile.

Castiel pats the empty space next to him and smiles at Dean, “Sit, Winchester. They don’t bite,” he says in a low and naughty voice, “... much.”

Dean is not sure how to behave in front of Cas’ family, he’s far from comfortable, trying to look relaxed and cool but his stiff posture and neutral expression (or so he hopes) are not helping his case. Gabriel is sit onto Kali’s lap having a private conversation (as private as it can be in a room full of family members, that is.)

On the corner of his eyes, Dean can see Cas’ fathers sit side by side and having a conversation themselves and smiling sweetly at each other and, suddenly, Dean wants that. He wants that kind of connection, that special kind of relationship where nothing but each other matters. Not the rest of the people, not the rest of the world. The only thing that matters is them.

Cas’ fingers feathering the back of his hand and then Richard’s sudden move on his spot puts his thought process in standby.

“How’s school, Dean?” The blue eyed dad asks. Dean supposes that’s Robert. He still wants to know how did they managed to get kids that resemble, it’s a mystery.

Dean clears his throat after trying to answer, managing to make an unintelligent sound, “School is good, Sir.” Even when he feels like an actual ostrich with the compulsion to hide his head on the ground, he looks at the dads when answering because he was taught that not doing so is unpolite. “Mostly boring but grades are okay so…”

The questionnaire goes on for a minute or two, and Dean is proud of how well he’s handling it. He would have been ever prouder if he’d seen the adoration with which Castiel was looking at him.

“Cassie told us about you.” The other dad says out of the blue. Richard. Dean has to begin to remember their names properly.

“God, I hope you don’t believe everything he says, sir.” He automatically answers, and immediately regrets it because he feels that Cas could get offended by it, only he’s on the spotlight and he hates it, so be it.

“Well, too bad, because he only speaks good things about you. So… should we assume he’s lying to us?”

Dean blushes furiously, shakes his head and, embarrassed, he bites his lower lip and steals a quick glimpse of Cas before answering a honest, “No, sir.”

A hand on his shoulder snaps him out of his misery and a warm breath speaks into his ear, and it’s a fortune that the room is full of people or… heaven help him.

“They’re teasing you, Freckles.” Cas bumps his shoulder and chuckles, “Dad, don’t mess with my friend… I wanna keep this one.” He admonishes his dad.

Richard laughs and lifts his hands in surrender, “Okay, okay. We’ll leave you alone.” He stands up and turns towards the kitchen looking for his husband, sure that Robert is already making coffee. He turns to Gabe and clears his throat to call his attention since the boy is currently occupied nipping Kali’s neck, “Don’t you have some place else to be, son?” Richard shakes his head when Gabe groans because he’s put on his feet by his girlfriend. He rolls his eyes and motions to leave, “I’ll be in the kitchen with your father.” He announces as he leaves.

The room is finally empty. Cas and Dean turn to each other and they both exhale a deep breath and smile, “Alone at last. I thought they’d never leave. Hi there, Freckles.”

Suddenly the floor seems the most interesting thing in the world and Dean stares at it with intent. “Uhm, hi, Blue.”

“Dean, look at me.” Cas asks calmly, “please, come closer. You’re too far away.” Dean moves closer to him but his eyes never leave his own hands, Cas could kiss him to death, “Not a date… but it could be one if you wanted it to.”

“I…” Dean starts but shuts himself up, biting his lower lip, trying to be brave but not quite there yet, “I don’t know”

Now that was too much for Cas, he’s convinced by now that he belongs with Dean and is willing to fight for him even against Dean himself, only he’d like him to cooperate a bit from time to time. Castiel squints tilting his head in disbelief, “You don’t?”

“I’m scared…” Dean sounds embarrassed, whether it is from the implications of _knowing_ or just because he’s being a plain coward right now, if he’s to be honest with himself.

Castiel understands, he’s patient and he really really really wants to be with Dean, so he’ll help him through this.

“What Dean? What are you scared of? Are you scared of me? Scared of wanting? Or of being happy?” Cas fingers take a trip through Dean’s cheekbones while worrying his lower lip, he wants him so bad. “Because you make me happy by just being there, you know.” Cas takes Dean’s jaw making the blond kid look at him, “It kills me when you’re not around, but you -here- just by my side, makes me really happy. So tell me, Dean Winchester, what are you afraid of?”

“You…” Dean grabs the hand that’s under his chin and entangles their fingers, “I’m afraid of you and the things that you represent,” he leans his head on, joins their foreheads, and whispers, “You make me happy, too.”

A smile of joy breaks through Castiel’s face as he kisses Dean’s knuckles, “You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“I know that! It’s just that I’m afraid my family will not… uh, understand this, and my friends… shit, my friends they will…”

“Dean, listen. Your family love you, Sam will understand.”

“Yeah, he will… but he’s the only one. He gets me. Mom will probably get used to it but dad… my dad…” Dean trails off.

“Your parents want you to be happy, Dean, and if you’re right… well, there’s nothing you can do to change it, it’s not fair that you give up what makes you happy so to make _them_ happy, it doesn’t make any sense. And about your friends, you know what they say, if they don’t support you, then they’re not your friends at all. The rest will understand.”

“Sounds good but, you know, you’re like a twister and I feel I am helplessly draught towards you… I don’t know, Blue.” Dean lifts his gaze locking eyes with Cas for the first time since the family left them alone, “I want you to make me forget my fears, please, make me believe I can be happy with this… with us.”

Castiel’s smile can’t get any bigger, he takes Dean’s hand again and kisses him fiercely, all his passion put to the service of letting Dean know he means it. He kisses him so deeply, with so much sentiment, that it seems to last a lifetime so when they break it, they’re both out of air.

It’s then that everything became Castiel’s lips, the Universe is empty and those soft pink lips are the Particle of God. There’s a fuzzy feeling that’s spreading in his chest, it tingles and feels so good, in fact, everything in him feels amazing. Those lips must have cast a spell on him because sure as hell he can’t have enough of those. That mouth on  feel right and homey and makes him want to stay there for ever and… and what was that again? Yes, it feels like completion, like he’s been uncomplete his whole life, as if the void he’s been unawarely feeling is finally filled.

For a few minutes Dean enjoys it, forgets about family, friends and the society with its fucking standards and stupid rules. For a few minutes Dean allows himself to hope, and then someone cofs.

“I’m sorry, boys.” Richard says without looking at them but Dean blushes crimson nonetheless.

“Sorry, dad.” Cas apologizes but winks at Dean at the same time.

“Well, it’s okay, boy. There’s nothing to apologize for but you know we’ll have to have the talk, right?” Papa Robert crooks an eyebrow and crosses his arms in front, he’s the portrait of an understanding but strict father. Dean feels a bit of jealousy.

“Papa, Dad, no, please, not now. Not today. He’s not ready, anyway. Pleasepleaseplease.”

Robert looks at his husband and seems to think about it for a while, he takes a second to look into Dean’s red face and chuckles.

“Okay, Cassie. But it’ll have to be soon. You know the rules.”

“Okay, papa, soon. I promise to behave.” Cas agrees rapidly before his parents can have second thoughts.

Once Cas’ parents leave the room talking in low voices and closing the kitchen door behind them, Dean snaps out of his shock.

He moves on the couch to fully face Cas. “What were they talking about?”

Cas rolls his eyes to hide the embarrassment he feels every time his parents do this, it makes him feel as a kid, but again, it’s unavoidable.

Castiel sighs and shrugs, “The safe sex talk. Every boyfriend/girlfriend/date with benefits with the intention to kiss any boy of this house will get one, no matter who.”

Dean looks at him with an amused expression, worries his lips and shortens the distance between them. “Thank you.” Their hands never got untangled, Dean leans on to rest his head on Cas’ shoulder, “I’m scared, Blue. part of me says I shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t stop myself. I’m afraid that I might not be enough for you, I’m afraid of not being the person you deserve.” Dean confesses and starts to drift away.

Castiel holds him in place, leaning his face on his friend’s head, where he belongs, “I know Freckles, I know it can be frightening. Don’t you think this is scary for me, too? The only thought of you not choosing me, oh man, it kills me and keeps me awake most of the nights. I’m always afraid this might be only a dream, that I’ll have to keep everything I’m starting to feel for you shoved inside my heart and it’ll break it piece by piece with every second I don’t have you.” He has to clear his throat, feeling a bit stupid for exposing himself like this, but again, it’s Dean there. “It’s scary to think you’ll never stop believing this is not worth it. I’m afraid of losing what we’re trying to have. But you know what, Freckles,” Cas makes himself brave and smiles through crystal blue eyes, “it’s all worthy, the pain and the anxiety I feel every time you panic about us. You, Dean Winchester, you’re worth the world to me.”

Right that second Dean makes up his mind, Castiel may be playing all brave and strong but knowing he’s afraid of pretty much the same things that scares him to death, well, that lifts the veil from his eyes. His heart wins. Well done.

“Blue,” he calls softly lifting his head to look at him in the eyes to show he means it. “Don’t be afraid, I will not leave ‘till it’s our time.” Damn, now he’s all teary too, “That much I can promise. Whether our time ends tomorrow, in a month or in fifty years, until then, I’ll be here. Because, being with you might be frightening but it makes me happy and it’s all I care about.”

Castiel feels his eyes watered but couldn’t care less, he lifts Dean’s chin and kisses him slowly, drinking from Dean’s lips. He brushes his hair with affection, pressing his lips and spitting them, entering tentatively his tongue and savoring the inside of Dean’s mouth as if his life depended on it. The only reason they part the kiss is to breathe.

“Mhm, thank you.” Dean mumbles, feeling a bit dizzy for the kiss.

“What for, Freckles.” Cas asks, thumb softly following the line of Dean’s jaw.

Dean closes his eyes, the touch of Castiel’s fingers over his face feel like heaven, “For waiting for me. For using the right amount of pressure. For being so amazingly open and non judgemental.”

“Gee, you made me blush. I like it… a lot.” And he really is blushing like a kid, who would have known? He playfully punches Dean on the shoulder. “Stop it, Winchester.”

“Oh, so I’m Winchester, now. What happened to Freckles?” He jokes, amused by Castiel’s reaction. He’s so cute.

“Yeah, you don’t deserve it.” He teases, laughing.

They continue teasing each other for a while, in between kisses and fake fighting.

“Blue.” Dean reluctantly parts the kiss and holds Cas back so he lets him talk, “It’s almost eleven. I may not have curfew before twelve but I didn’t tell my parents I’d stay out this late.” Dean would like to keep Castiel’s pout in a jar on his nightstand. Cas is ready to complain, “Wait, say I come back tomorrow? It’s a promise, okay?”

Cas nods and they get up. He walks his friend to the door and kisses him senseless. “One for the road.” He winks at a thunderstruck Dean.

* * *

The drive home was, to say it politely, interesting. Dean felt that the Impala was floating and driving itself, he has no memory of traffic lights, or traffic itself. Probably he drove in automatic because his mind decided to play the kissing session to its tiniest details and, to be honest, he doesn’t care… like at all. But again, once he parks at his place, reality strikes him.

Dean takes a moment before opening the door, conscious of his dreamy look, he clears his throat and combs his hair with his fingers, checks his cloths and only then he gets in.

“Hello, Dean. How was your date?” His mom greets him from the couch in front of the TV where she’s watching a rerun of some sitcom he hates.

“Date? I had no date, mom. I went to see Cas.” he answers with his back to his mom, taking his jacket off and hanging it by the door. Breathes deeply and turns around, “He’s coming back to school on Monday.” He informs nonchalantly.

“Oh, that’s nice to hear! Good for him.” She smiles at him, a honest motherly smile, then turns back to the TV and states, “I want to meet him, Dean.”

Dean knows when his mom will give no room to argument, so he lets his head fall and answers the only acceptable answer. “One of these days, mom.”

Mary hums her agreement and Dean takes the chance to fly upstairs. He passes by his own bedroom to knock on Sam’s half opened door.

“Can I come in?” He pokes his head inside. He smiles to himself at the sight of his baby brother doing homework. Of course he’s doing homework.

Sam lifts his head from the book he’s reading. A mischievous grin appears in his face. “Congratulations, Dean.”

“Uh?”

“You look over the moon happy and your lips are swollen. You made your decision.” He jumps on his bed and motions to the chair for Dean to sit, “Tell me everything.”

Dean collapses on the chair and throws his face on his palms, “I’m _pissing my pants afraid_ but yes, I made my decision. I think… no, I feel he’s worth the risk, but I don’t want to tell anyone yet, if ever… okay?”

“Dean, no, listen… it’s okay. I won’t tell a soul... not even Jess. I won’t lie to her but I can hide the name if she happens to get suspicious. Now… how’s kissing another guy?”

“Oh, God!” Dean wants to die right now, he’s beyond embarrassment but he knows that he will eventually need to share this or he’ll burst. “It’s not different from kissing a girl. Cas’ lips are sweet and soft and a little bit chapped but the best lips I ever kissed.”

Sam claps his hands excitedly, happy for his brother.

Dean touches his lips at the memory and smiles fondly, “Oh, Sammy. I think I’m screwed, I feel I’m falling for him and it’s all too soon. How can I help it?”

Sam’s face is the picture of disbelief, “Oh, bro. You can be so stupid sometimes… most of the times, actually.”

“Bitch.” Dean scoffs, feeling the air lighten, how could he have ever doubted that Sam was not the right person to talk about this?

Sam rolls his eyes, “Get out of my room, Jerk.”

* * *

Gabriel arrives to his home not long after Dean has left. He had to get Kali to her home and, of course, one kiss took to another and when her father finally got tired of the display of affection for all the neighbours to see, he turned on the front deck lights and Gabe ran to his car. Kali’s dad can be intimidating sometimes.

As soon as he’s inside the Novak’s, he spots Castiel slowly going up the stairs, so he says hi to his dads and runs to catch up with his baby brother. The dreamy look on Cas’ face is confirmation enough of what happened but he wants to hear words. He’s got threats to hold, after all.

Castiel is closing his door when a foot gets in and Gabriel’s smirk shows through the door opening.

“Hey there, Cassie…” Gabe opens the door wide and closes it immediately, sitting on Cas’ bed, “spill.”

Castiel shakes his head but he already knows Gabe, and if he wants to get some sleep or just go to bed to dream about Dean’s lips, he will have to, first, get rid of his big brother.

“He decided _ALL_ .” he announces with an _I-told-you-so_ tone.

Gabe jumps ejected from the bed and grabs Cas by the shoulders, shaking him a little.

“Good! I like him… I didn’t want to have to punch that lovely face of his.” He pats him on the upper arms. “And now show your big brother a little respect and erase the smug from your face. Jesus!” Gabe rolls his eyes faking annoyance.

“Yeah, well. That ain’t gonna happen any time soon, I’m happy, so deal with it.” Cas challenges him, making Gabe chuckle and grab him in a tight hug.

“I love you, little bro.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like it, please tell us what you think. (Plz plz PLZ pretty plz. Comments are the air we breathe)  
> Comments are very very welcome!!! (please tell us you love us)  
> ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PLZ!


	7. 1985 – Iowa city - Novak house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And I kept my word and we spent the whole weekend kissing and talking… more kissing than talking, if I have to be fair.” Dean finished.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

“And I kept my word and we spent the whole weekend kissing and talking… more kissing than talking, if I have to be fair.” Dean finished.

“Yeah, thanks for not mentioning all my efforts trying to get into your pants on Saturday.” Cas points out with a snort.

“Until then I didn’t know how desperate you were, Blue. I almost felt bad for you. Almost” Dean jests.

“Desperate? Fuck, Freckles, I was horny as hell. I hadn’t had anyone in a while and you were so fucking hot. I’m glad we waited, though. And then on Sunday Dad and Pappa gave us _The Talk_.”

“God, I had forgotten about _The Talk_! It’s been in my top 3 most embarrassing moments list ever since.”

“You had a hard time? Ha! I had The Talk like 10 times since the rule was ‘If you’re stupid enough to get caught then you’re old enough to have _The Talk_. It’s not that I had sex with all of them but I hated it every time, but with you it was kind of funny. Your face was priceless, there was such a terror in your eyes, Dad and Papa knew it, that’s why they teased you so much. You were nervous and definitely sexy.”

Dean arched an eyebrow at that, smirking mischievously, “You can find me sexy in the weirdest situations, Blue.”

Cas pecks him on the jawline, “I find you sexy all the time, Freckles.”

* * *

**1985 – Iowa city - Novak house**

The weekend arrives and Dean honors his promise and spends it with Cas. They end up making up and telling stories, Castiel fascinated by Dean’s voice and the way he moves his lips. To be honest, there’s not a single thing in Dean that Castiel doesn’t find fascinating. Cas loves the way Dean’s eyes flicker when he finds a particular story entertaining to tell, he’s always finding the right words to paint the images and Castiel feels he’s five again.

Feeling like a five years old is not a problem for him to try and lift Dean’s shirt, Dean trying to find a way to say _no_ without hurting Cas’ feelings. For the first time in his life Dean wants to take things slowly, he wants to take time to learn the other boy’s mouth by heart, learning each other with the clothes on. At least for the moment.

“Cas… Cas, stop!” Dean pleases after Cas’ third attempt of tugging off his shirt. “Blue, wait, please listen. I… I want, I don’t know what I want… I’m new at this… baby steps, ‘kay?” Dean implores because he wants, he just doesn’t know how.

For the past weeks Dean hasn’t had anything else in his mind but Castiel, and the past few days? Oh, God, he gets all hot and red faced by just thinking of everything that has passed his mind. Things he never had thought possible for him to even consider, things that excite him but also scare him to death. And what scares him the most is that this might be the real thing, his true self and his destiny.

Castiel’s eyes are half closed, dreamy and almost black of arousal, looking up at Dean in awe. Castiel could give his left arm to take what he wants, what he needs, but Dean is not ready… not yet.

“I’m sorry, Blue… I’m not good at this, you need a better boyfriend… I thought I could but… I’m sorry.” Dean implores and motions to stand up and leave but Castiel grips his wrist tight, holding him in place.

Dean turns to him, eyes rimmed and a gloom expression that turns into something like wonder when he sees Castiel’s beautiful face. He waits for Cas to speak, because he’s not a dick, he may be breaking his heart but at least he can listen to him.

“Dean… Dean, Freckles wait… you.. You want… to be my… boyfriend?” Castiel chokes at the word, amazed and confused, happy and frightened, everything at the same time. A smile breaks in his face and Dean’s features soften, “For real, Freckles?” Castiel kneels on the bed leveling his face with Dean’s. “I can… I just.. I want that so bad… I can’t believe you’ve just… I…” but then Castiel sits on his heels and covering his face with his hands starts crying.

“Blue, no… nononono, what? Please, babe, don’t cry. I don’t understand… please, tell me what happen.”

“Dean, Dean did you mean what you’ve just said? You’re my boyfriend? Oh God, I really hope you meant it because if you didn’t I think I’d just die… I…”

“Wait, Castiel, no… Look at me.” Dean cradles Cas’ face and holds it close so their eyes are locked, “Castiel James Novak, I’m here against my better judgment because I can’t get you out of my head… because I crave you. Because you…” he has to tighten his hold because Cas tries to look away, suddenly slapped by all his feelings, those he had tried to keep inside, playing cool and nonchalant, “Because being in the same room with you makes me immensely happy. Because you… yes, YOU make me the happiest man on earth.” Dean draws the lines of Cas’ jaw and sighs, “Gabe said my options were _ALL or NOTHING at all_ … You told me the same the first time we kissed properly. Well, here I am, I’m choosing, and I choose it ALL… I assume that being your boyfriend is part of the packet, wouldn’t you say?” Dean pecks him on the lips, “Of course I want to be your boyfriend.” Castiel hugs him tightly taking Dean by surprise, “Babe, why you still crying?”

“Because you are my boyfriend,” he hiccups, “and I’m too happy to care about being sappy… I need to…” he wipes his tears, “I have to… wait here.” he jumps off the bed taking a step towards the door but pivots to pin Dean to the mattress and kissing him harder than before. “Wait here.” Cas orders to a very amused Dean, leaving the room and then all Dean can hear is Cas shouting out Gabe’s name, “Gabe! Gabe! Where are you?... I got something to tell you!” then there’s a rumor while the two brothers talk all secretively, and a couple of minutes later a grinning Cas appears through the door holding a bill up in his hand.

“First date expenses are on Gabriel. He owns me,” he says jumping on top of the bed and kneeling in front of Dean, “We can go to a Diner, chat and look at each other with goggle eyes or, oh! Oh! I know! There's this place that is really open and we can be us.”

“Uhm I don’t know, Cas… a gay place? I’m not sure I’m ready yet.”

“No, not just gay… there are all kind of couples there but I won’t force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. We could go to the Roadhouse, _best-burgers-ever_ , or so I was told.”

“They are, but… just you and me it’d be weird. Say we tell Gabe and Kali to come over, also Sam and Jess. Our brothers already know and it’s just a matter of time the girls find out as well.” Dean takes Cas’ hand and strokes his fingers clumsily, “Sammy promised not to tell Jess, but I know it’ll slip eventually… I don’t know… what d’you say?”

“Dean,” Cas takes a glimpse to their jointed hands and nods, smiling, “a group date is an awesome idea. It’s a good start,” he shrugs a little, tilting his head to the left, “and as long as you’re there next to me and looking gorgeous, I’m happy.” Cas jumps off the bed and takes Dean with him by the hand, “C’mon, Freckles, let’s ask Gabe and call Sam.” he says dragging his laughing boyfriend out of the room.

Arranges were made, dinner and movie as their first official date. Well, they won’t be acting in public as a dating couple but the point remains.

The fact of going out with Castiel, even though their brothers and girlfriends go along, it’s quite significant for Dean. For one thing -duh- he’s never dated guys before, and honestly the opportunity of hanging out with his boyfriend is priceless. They’re gonna laugh, and talk, and tease each other (or their brothers) and hopefully have a good time. On another hand, he wants to know if he’s capable of being cool enough to act normal, he just hopes he’s not gonna be looking over his own shoulder or over Castiel’s to see if anyone suspects what they are. What would Dean do if that’s the case? How will he react? Ellen is gonna throw a fit if he breaks something at the Roadhouse. Yoga breathing… he gotta remember that.

Burgers and fries are served, Dean’s one with a lot of onions which has the rest of the party make faces at him, and him shrugging and stuffing his mouth with the offending veggie.

Half way into the dinner, Dean chokes on his coke, “Fuck, Cas! I just remembered we have to cook this Thursday in Home Ed and we haven’t practiced shit.”

“Oh, God… I can’t cook!” Cas apologetically says.

“He’s right, Dean-o” Gabe interjects, “How many times can a dude almost burn a house down by trying to cook? I’ll tell you how many. Two.” Gabriel nods with a sardonic smile twisting his lips, “So fathers have banned him from the kitchen for good.”

“I don’t mind, Gabe, I can cook.” he bitchfaces his boyfriend’s big bro before softening his expression and turning to face Cas, “I’ll show you tomorrow. You can come home and practice. My mom’s been nagging me about meeting you since you broke your ankle.”

And this is a too much good opportunity to let it go, so Gabe claps his hand and throwing his head back, he barks a laugh, “Oh, God! It’s meeting the parents!” the girls smile but only Kali suspects a tiny bit.

“Ha ha, you’re so funny, Gabe.” Cas’ deadpans but Dean interferes before he can admonishes Gabe.

“Well, Cas, I already met yours so it’s only fair.” Dean points.

Cas rolls his eyes, “It’s different, and you know it.” Castiel sighs.

“I know, Blue.” Dean whispers and Castiel finds that incredibly relaxing.

The pet name does not go unnoticed by anyone on the table. The girls share a questioning look but their boys’ facial expressions remain neutral and none of them say a word.

There’s a few seconds of silence at the table and then Castiel throws his napkin on his plate and proudly states, “I’ll do it. Let’s meet Mary and John.”

Everyone nods and, tension avoided, start talking about anything else but parents.

The night ends up being the perfect date. Yes, they had company. Yes, they’ve barely touched each other at dinner but they held hands the entire movie. Nobody called them on that because, basically, nobody cared. Neither Jess or Kali made any more faces, they also went naturally with the flow and enjoyed their own boyfriend’s company so Dean and Cas had their own moment.

By the end of the date, all three couples are happily tired. In the parking lot Sam teases Dean and Gabe laughs but, for the first time, he won’t makes jokes. He finds the relationship between brothers unique, he’s a bit jealous so he pats Cas on the back, grabbing him in a one arm hug.

Finally the older ones say their goodbyes and Gabe starts his car, Kali rapidly laying her head on his shoulder and humming as the car purrs away.

“What?” Gabe kisses her head.

“They’re cute.” and there’s no need to ask who she’s referring to.

“I know. Hope it works for them. They’re fine kids.”

Gabe won’t tell Kali but what he sees and feels between his brother and Dean is very much like something he almost had a few years back, when he was younger and bolder, but not bold enough to fight tooth and nails for it against his lover’s family. He won’t tell, but not because he’s embarrassed by the experience but because he’s never forgiven himself for not trying harder. And most importantly he won’t tell Kali because he cares deeply about her. Tonight the kissing by her door will last longer, no matter how menacing her father is.

* * *

The Impala stops by the Novak’s entrance and Dean jogs and joins Cas on his way to his door. They walk slowly side by side, arms touching and if you’d pay attention you’d notice that they lean onto each other. Sam looks away through his window to give them some privacy and that later proved to be a mistake.

The boys stop face to face at the door. “So, Cas… it’s been nice.” Dean awkwardly says.

“Understatement.” Cas answers while closing the distance between them.

Cas might have taken the first step towards the kiss, but Dean leans in first. They share a brief kiss that leaves them both with a feeling of _not enough_.

“Mhm Freckles, if you keep doing this I’ll fall for you real soon.” Cas whispers against Dean’s lips, eyes closed and a dreamy smile.

Dean smiles too, “See you tomorrow at 11, Blue.” Dean says pecking Cas again and leaving.

He returns to the car with a stupid smile on his face, careless of given himself away, he’s floating and the rest of the world can go fuck itself. Right, if only there wasn’t someone in the car.

“Ehm, Dean…? Err, I don’t want to be rude or something…” the girl in the back says unsure of how to approach her question, and Dean sighs in surrender but he won’t make it easy for her, if she wants to know she’ll have to ask.

“Yes, Jess?”

There’s a gasp in the back that Dean supposes is his brother catching up with the situation, and yes, looking out of the window was definitely a mistake. For some reason Dean doesn’t feel nervous or on display… he’s happy so be it. Jess leans forward, resting her chin on the back of Dean’s seat and squints.

“Did you just…?” she trails off.

“Jess!” Sam shouts scandalized at his girlfriend lack of tact.

“No, leave her, Sammy. I just what, Jess?” he defies.

“Oh, come on, Winchester… you know what.” she hits him playfully on his shoulder.

“Uh huh, If you want to know something, Moore, you’ll have to ask.” he crosses his arms over his chest and raises an eyebrow at her.

“Fair enough… did you just… kissed him?” she beams with an honest but shy smile.

“Yes, Jess, I did.”

“Oh… okay… I… you… I’m… sorry?” she wrinkles her nose and shrugs a bit, embarrassment painting her cheeks pink.

Dean turns around on his seat and faces Sam, who is very seriously looking between them, a bit offended to be left out of the conversation.

“Sammy, is she okay? Words seem to falter her… You are sorry for what, exactly, Jess?” he asks not without amusement.

Sam sighs and rolling his eyes he answers for her, “She’s sorry because she doesn’t have words, but she’s okay with it.” Sam mechanically says.

“I see… it’d be nice to hear it from you, Jess… I answered your question honestly… it’s your turn.”

“I… It just took me by surprise, that’s all. I mean, you’ve dated Rhonda for almost a year, and before that it was Lisa and many other girls… I had just assumed…”

Dean calls it a truce, “I do like girls, Jess. I just… expanded my spectrum. I’m not gay… I’m…” he searches for the right word but it won’t come, “What did Gabe call it?” he asks Sam.

“Bisexual, Dean. You are bisexual.” he tiredly says.

“Right. Yes, that. Bisexual. It means that I don’t care if the person is male or female, I can be sexually attracted to any of them.” she nods and he gives her an easy smile, “Can I trust that you will keep it secret? It’s important that you won’t tell a single soul about this.”

She lays her hand on his shoulder and pecks him on the cheek.

“You can trust me, Dean. You look genuinely happy so that’s fine by me… I told you, it was just the surprise…” she hits the back of the seat with both hands, “Dammit! Now I have a juicy gossip and I can’t tell a soul…” she pout at Sam and he smiles fondly at her. Dean thinks they’re cute but he loves playing the hard guy.

“JESSICA MOORE,” he says in a strong and high tone of voice making her jump on the seat, “If you say anything, I’ll hunt you down till the end of times.” he points an accusatory finger to her nose.

She takes it between her index and thumb and twists a bit, “You just try, Winchester… I’d love to see you try.” but then she just smiles and adds, “I’ll have my mouth shut, you idiot, I promise.”

* * *

Sunday morning is always easy and numb, Cas always waking up confused and not knowing if he’s got to get dressed for school or he can just turn around and keep on sleeping. So he takes a few moments to let the lethargic sensation dissipate and be fully awake. He stretches and takes the sheets off, sitting crossed legs and looking around, wondering if accepting the _meeting the Winchesters_ option was a wise decision, he could have asked Dean to come over his place to practice for their assignment. He knows he’s gonna be introduced as Dean’s ‘ _friend_ ’ but still, he’s nervous about that.

Castiel showers, picks up his best clothes and heads to the Winchesters’. Gabe’s drops him on his way to his picnic with Kali. Against his usual self, Gabriel drives away before Dean’s front door opens, something Cas is grateful for, his big brother knows he’s already too nervous to add brotherly mockery to the equation.

He rings the doorbell and stands straight, patiently waiting for someone to answer and begins to panic wondering if maybe it was too early and he might be interrupting some kind of family ritual.

He’s proven wrong (or not) when a very sleepy Sam opens the door and greets him with a way too groggy voice.

“Hi, Cas… come in, he’s in the kitchen.” he points to his right, towards the kitchen door.

Dean turns to the door and his face beams when he sees his boyfriend but he keeps it cool because, well, because _mom_.

“Hi, Cas! Mom, this is Castiel.” he introduces him while bumping hands the way friends do.

“Hello, Mrs. Winchester.” Cas politely greets, without losing the smile that the sight of Dean put in his face.

“You can call me Mary, Castiel.” Mary smiley answers over her shoulder while pouring some coffee in two mugs.

A tall man with dark eyes and broad shoulders enters the kitchen and the kitchen atmosphere changes to a thicker mood.

Dean looks at Cas intently to assure him it’ll be alright, then turns to his dad and, chin up, he says, “Dad, this is Castiel.”

“Hello, Mr. Winchester.”

“Nice to finally meet you.” John shakes Cas’ extended hand.

“Thank you, sir. Same.”

“I understand you’ll make lunch today.” Mary asks amused.

“Yes, ma’am. We need the practice. For school project. Home ed.” Castiel clarifies, a bit nervous.

“Great! My time to relax, then!” she laughs and the boys laugh with her, Mary Winchester has the most beautiful and shiny laugh of them all. Dean loves it and Cas, hearing it for the first time ever, is already captivated by it. “Come on, John, there’s something I want to show you.” She hands a coffee mug to her husband, “Let’s leave the boys to work.”

* * *

When the kitchen door closes again, the boys look at each other and snort a laugh. The introduction went better than expected and they are both beginning to loosen up a bit.

“Well, that wasn’t that bad, uh?” Dean observes, patting Cas’ shoulder and lingering there for a few seconds too many. The touch, light and innocent, feels amazing. And yet not enough. Dean invades Castiel’s personal space once he’s certain that his parents are not coming back in. “Hi, Blue.” his look passing through his boyfriend’s face, from forehead to chin.

“Hi, Freckles.” he answers, taking a step back.

“Cas?” Dean takes a step forward, “Where you’re going?” Dean confusedly asks, taking Castiel’s hand in his.

“What if they enter now? I don't want to get you in trouble.” he follows the way his hand is taken towards Dean mouth and is kissed lovingly.

“I know… but I missed you last night.” he tightens the grip on his hand.

Dean looks above Cas’ shoulder to the kitchen door and pecks him rapidly before putting some space between them… it feels wrong but it’s safer.

“Okay, now. Let’s work. I need you to chop those onions. I’ll start with the pie crust.”

They work in tandem, Castiel chopping onions and bell peppers and garlic and Dean making the crust and baking it. Then Dean makes the fillings for the pie, half dark chocolate pecan and half raspberry white chocolate. Once the fillings are finished and the crust is chilling. He teaches Cas how to make the burger patties. There are tiny little touches between them when they move around working their own things and they feel great.

“So, you’ll do the prepping and I’ll do the actual cooking at school. I’ll have the crust prepared beforehand so we save time there. Now, I don’t have a good handwriting… do you?” Dean urges, the essay is half the rate.

“It’s okay.” Castiel assures.

“Awesome!” Dean exclaims, “Then you write the essay, I’ll tell you what to write.” he winks at Cas, “Well, I could make the buns but I don’t think we’ll have the time so we’ll just use store ones. Now, the fries are in the oil so we need to start with the patties. Can you hand me those onions and peppers, Blue?” Castiel does as asked and their hands linger on each other’s for a little and they smile.

The food was ready on time and lunch was pleasant.

Castiel found out that, all his worries aside, the Winchesters are nice persons and they obviously care about their children. The table is full, Jess is there and that was a nice surprise, too. She acts naturally around Cas, making little funny faces to him, and it’s a relief to both Dean and Sam, Cas remains unaware of the little chat she had in the car after he had left. Burgers were amazing and pie was incredible. After lunch they played cards with Sam and Jess while Mary and John cleared the table.

All in all it was a nice quiet day at the Winchesters. Then Dean takes Cas home promising Mary to be home before dinner. They arrive at the Novaks after a quite long trip, the fact that they stopped for 'the view' for about half an hour may have had something to do with it.

The heat of the _view_ remained inside them so once at Cas’ they continue to make out and that’s how Cas’ father finds them kissing in the living room... again. Castiel’s hand playing with the hem of Dean’s shirt doesn’t escape his attention. Cas had try to hold back but he wasn’t very successful.

They stop the kissing when one of the dads clears his throat. “I think it’s time, Castiel.” the teens jump from the couch as they separate.

They know there’s no way to escape it this time, they had it coming. Dammit. Dean looks as red faced as if all the blood of his system had rushed towards his face. Castiel hates The Talk, he’d do anything to avoid it but he knows better than complaining. What’s done is done, so, looking down at his own hands he nods, “Okay, pappa.”

Somehow Dean finds his voice again and decides to man up, “Hello, Robert, Richard. Uhm, I’m sorry.”

“Again, boy. Nothing to be sorry for. Kissing is no more than an expression of love and care. But you already knew this house has rules and you have to follow them. Castiel knows them by heart by now but a refresh won’t do any harm.” Robert says taking his husband's hand and sitting in front of the kids.

“First. The house common areas like the living room, kitchen, bathroom, front and backyard are _kissing only_ areas. Means nothing more than kissing is allowed.” Robert continues.

“Second. We don’t encourage intercourse but we’re aware our kids do have it so we control it. It means no sex in alleys, cars, cheap motels or clubs. No quick unprotected sex with strangers. This is not a rule per se, but more a very important piece of advice and we hope you decide to abide it too, sex is better if you perform it in a good environment and with someone you care. We can’t control our kids once they’re at college but we hope we had taught them well.” Richard adds.

Castiel holds a little smile, thinking of the stories Lucifer has told his brothers about chick number 200… if only their fathers knew…

“Third. Safe sex is the most important rule. You’ll obviously won’t get pregnant but there are many STDs you don’t know about and it’s important that both of you stay safe. I don’t care how many tests you get performed or how much your partner begs. It’s safe sex or no sex at all. And trust me, we’ll know.” Robert advices.

“Four. You can stay in Cassie’s room as long and as often as you both want BUT, if you’re thinking of sleepovers, then Robert or me have to talk to one of your parents. We won’t tell them about you guys, we know how difficult it can be to come out to them, but permission on their part is required. As a matter of fact and for another month, we’d prefer that you two keep a low profile because Cassie is still a minor and they could remove him from us.” Richard asks them very seriously.

“Five and last but not least. We don’t provide condoms or lubricant. If you’re old enough to have sex then you’re old enough to have a work and provide yourself with supplies. If you can’t buy them yourselves then you’re too young for sex.” Robert ends with a finality tone.

There’s a silence and, out of the four people in the room, Dean is the one that breaks it. “Don’t worry, sirs, we’re taking things slow. I don’t think we’re in the need of condoms or stuff any time soon.”

Dean scores several points in the Novaks’ chart by showing the guts of being the first to speak and say the right thing. The kid is good and they have the sensation that he cares for their son as much as Castiel cares for him.

“That’s good, Dean, but, boy, we’re not forbidding it. We’re just setting ground rules here. Just be smart and care about our kid. Then we’re gonna be alright.”

“I’ll do my best, sir. And i promise, I have no intention to hurt Cas.” Dean looks at his boyfriend when he says it and the look on him is of wonder and love. Dean is not sure what to do with it, it’s too much and he never had thought he could ever be in the receiving end of such a look.

Robert and Richard don’t miss the interaction between the boys and they smile at each other.

“Good.” Richard nods.

“We’re on the same page,” Robert declares, “Very good, indeed.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are very very welcome!!! (please tell us you love us)
> 
> THID IS NOT ABANDONED - 50% OF IT IS ALREADY WRITEN. - WE ARE HAVING BETA PROBLEMS. I HOPE IT SOLVE SOON. LOVE U ALL. KEEP TELLING US WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS.


	8. 1985 – Iowa city - Around Halloween.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The fucking Talk… yeap, I wanted to dig myself a hole since the very moment your dads sat in front of us.” Dean remembers laughing but shivering a little bit. The whole situation had been really traumatizing for him, and almost thirty years later he still recalls exactly how he had felt. He secretly thinks it was kinda cute, though.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

 

 

“ _The fucking Talk_ … yeap, I wanted to dig myself a hole since the very moment your dads sat in front of us.” Dean remembers laughing but shivering a little bit. The whole situation had been really traumatizing for him, and almost thirty years later he still recalls exactly how he had felt. He secretly thinks it was kinda cute, though.

 

“Oh, c’mon, Freckles. It could’ve been worse.” Cas nudges him, smiling dreamily and resting on his side to face Dean on the bed “I remember my first Talk, when Dad asked if we knew what we were doing  this stupid bastard I was dating mumbled ‘No’… imagine the outcome.” he laughs hard at the memory.

 

“I bet it was like Adam’s book without the book?” Dean asked amused.

 

“Exactly that! I’m still convinced that if they didn’t want us to have sex... That was the ultimate cock block. We barely looked at each other for two weeks. And after all he did was pecking me. I remained virgin for two more boyfriends.”

 

They have to stop for air after laughing heartily for about five minutes.

 

“I had forgotten what a whore you were, you had more than two boyfriends… shocking, Blue.” Dean manages to say between chuckles.

 

“No… no… I was, you know? I dated about twelve people before you but I had sex with only three of them.” Cas holds his hands out in surrender, and changes back with an evil grin, “You, on the other hand… you were a man whore. How many chicks did you bang before I rescued you?”

 

“Hey! I dated three girls in my life, alright?” He starts counting with his fingers, “Lisa, for about three seconds, well, three months. Cassie for about six and then Rhonda for about a year.” He crooks an eyebrow to the man by his side, “And I had sex with only two of them.” he says with an innocent tone.

 

“Right… only I said ‘ _chicks you banged’_ , I didn’t mean ‘ _girlfriends’_ , you ass.” Cas retorts with lopsided smile.

 

“Oh,” Dean arches his eyebrows acknowledging the correction, “Then, more than twelve.” he shrugs nonchalantly.

 

“I rest my case.” Cas states triumphantly, leaning in to kiss him, smiling against his lips. “Freckles?” he asks as he briefly parts their kiss to resume immediately.

 

“Uhm?” Dean hums through the locked lips.

 

“Turn off the lights. I want to be ravished or do the ravishing in the morning. I’m exhausted. Could you continue with the story tomorrow?”

 

Dean hums his agreement and Cas kisses the skin underneath his ear, then he makes himself comfortable with his forehead resting on the crook of Dean’s neck, smiling contently. The lights go off and they move to entangle their limbs in an impossible knot, movement that only years of bed sharing can make easy to achieve.

 

After a while in the dark Dean whispers, “Blue?”

 

“Yes, Dean?” Cas sighs out.

 

“Marry me… for real,” he pleads pausing as Cas stops breathing altogether. “With papers and all, this time.” he continues.

 

“Dean,” Castiel says after a few seconds, “It’s late and I’m tired, we’ll talk tomorrow.” he proposes, moving himself to get even closer to Dean.

 

“Castiel…” Dean starts ready to complain or argue or something but instead he gets cut off by Cas.

 

“Freckles, really, what’s the point… we’re already married.” he tiredly says, almost tuning out.

 

“I know…” he says, “I know” he repeats without hurting as he turns around to sleep as the little spoon for a night, closing his eyes to rest because he knows the subject is far from over.

 

**1985 – Iowa city - Around Halloween.**

 

It’s been a month already and Castiel’s 18th birthday is around the corner. Dean has been making a list of things that Castiel might like for such an occasion but nothing seems good enough. Dean has come up with stuff that could be ranked from really cool things like a giant double deck tape recorder to something mundane and dull like a new trench coat, since he seems to be really fond of those. At a point he just gives up to surprise his boyfriend.

 

“Blue,” he says with a very serious frown that has no place following the not-so-serious activities they’ve been involved in just seconds ago, “What you want to do for your birthday?”

 

Cas chuckles and shakes his head lowering his gaze, amused at the concerned look on Dean’s face.

 

“Mhm? Nothing, really.” he leans in taking Dean’s hand and drawing him closer to collapse in his arms, “I just want to kiss you all day long, and maybe… oh, I don’t know…” he pecks Dean on the lips, “Maybe go a little further?” he whispers against those plump lips he loves so much, “I mean… I know you’re not ready for sex yet but I… I want more, if you’re ready for it.” he says a bit apologetic.

 

Dean shifts, blushing furiously and feeling uncomfortable for a second but never leaving Cas’ embrace, “I don’t know, Cas… maybe… I mean, I don’t know… please, I just…”

 

“No, Dean.” Cas hurriedly shuts him, “I won’t push you.” he cups Dean’s face to hold his gaze, “No, Dean, just forget I said anything, baby, just… just forget it.” he stammers holding his boyfriend tight, kissing his temple repeatedly as he adds, “I never want you to feel uncomfortable around me, okay?”

 

“Cas! Cas! Stop! It’s okay.” Dean rushes, “It’s just that I’m afraid I’ll never be ready.” he says, somehow relieved to be finally able to voice his true concern.

 

“It’s okay, babe, I can wait years if you need me to. This,” he palms Dean’s chest, “us” he moves his hand to the crook of Dean’s neck, “This is not about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, if it happens I’ll be ecstatic, but…” Cas leans in to whisper on Dean’s ear, “I love you because of you, not because of the sex.” then he sits straighter and raises his voice, “If I’d ever have to choose between having you without the sex or lose you after having all the sex in the world, trust me, I’d choose you. Always you.”

 

Dean opens his eyes in awe, “You… you love me?” he asks with hope in his voice.

 

Castiel breaks a smile as bright as the sun coming through the window. “Yes, Dean… I do… with all my heart.” he answers, getting closer to Dean’s lips with every word, kissing him for all he’s worth.

 

Dean is in an awe state, not so much confused as he is walking on clouds, so when Castiel’s tentative hand lifts the hem of his shirt, exploring the skin underneath, warm and soft… Dean just lets him. The lips against his own, curved in a thin smile and Cas’ tongue opening his mouth, deepening the kiss.

 

Dean feels fuzzy and happy. They spend over two hours entangled, Cas licking Dean’s lips and tracing sigils on his back.

 

“I love you, Freckles,” Cas continues to say between kisses, “and you don’t even have to say it back. I don’t want you to do it just because I said it. Take your time, baby.”

 

* * *

 

Their time together in the privacy of Cas’ home is priceless. School, on the other hand, is torture.

 

The times when they were able to be apart and still be functional are long gone. They know by now, after several days of trying to stay away from each other at school, that that’s not an option anymore. The fact that they seem to be drawn to the other as soon as they appear in the other’s vision field and that they need the touch, makes them come up with the solution of ‘becoming friends’. Dean and Lisa introduce Cas to Benny, Charlie, and Jo, so they all hang out together and Cas and Dean can bump shoulders and manly hug each other. Sometimes they feel brave and sneak under the bleaches for a quick peck on the lips, to return to their group of friends with the hearts racing and cheeks flushed.

 

Since Dean’s and Cas’ free period do not coincide, the blonde kid keeps going to talk to Adam. He’s no longer embarrassed or needs convincing, his usual topic of conversation is now Castiel. He needs to share about the way they have to sneak and about how much he misses him during class periods, even about the times he’s at home and misses him terribly… also about how much he’s frightened of everything he’s feeling towards Castiel.

 

“Well, Dean. Feelings are always frightening. It doesn’t matter who they’re directed to. What I’m saying is that, for example, Sam is your brother and your best friend, so you have strong feelings for him… you have in you the need to protect him and shield him from people hurting him, it’s only natural and logic, and still sometimes you can be concerned because you feel you want to kill said people.”  

 

Dean takes a moment to ponder on what the teacher is trying to explain. “Oh, I see, yes… you see, the thing is that Cas needs more than what I think I can give him… he needs more than only kissing, and I…”

 

“New things take time, Dean,” the kid stops cold at the interruption, the tired tone on the teacher’s voice confuses him, “No, wait, listen. I’m not saying you should say _yes_ or that he should put more pressure on you to do things you’re not ready for. But what I do say is that you’re gonna eventually be ready for whatever you want very deep inside of you, and all I just know is that you should enjoy the things you’re currently ready for. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

 

He nods and holds his head down, looking at the floor and talking, “I hope he can wait.” He lifts his head and smiles kindly to the teacher, “Thank you.”

 

“Relax, Dean. If he truly loves you, he’ll wait. You’ll see.” Adam assures while walking Dean to the door.

The next period bell rings and Dean walks faster towards his next class.

 

* * *

 

“Cas, can we talk for a moment?” Dean takes Castiel by the hand to go and sit by the window on the latter’s bedroom.

 

You see, the thing is that tomorrow is Cas’ birthday and Dean wants to propose a sleepover. In reality all Dean wants to do is to spend the whole day with his boyfriend, but he hesitates because that would mean sleeping with him in the same room and he’s nervous because Cas could get the wrong impression. So, for a guy who hates talking about feelings, today Dean talks a lot.

 

“Cas,” Dean says once they’re settled in the armchair by the window, Cas straddling his lap,  “I have an idea but I don’t want  you to have false expectations or to make you think I have a hidden agenda.”

 

“Freckles,” Cas says taking Dean’s hand keeping them over his thigh, “C’mon, baby, tell me.” he playfully bumps their foreheads because any kind of physical contact feels amazing.

 

Dean sighs and clears his throat, “I… I wanna spend the whole day with you… tomorrow… for your birthday,” He can’t hold Cas beautiful smiley expression, so he looks at his chest and continues, “I mean… that may include a… sleepover, maybe?” and it does sounds like a question.

 

Castiel’s face lightens up with joy and Dean is positive that smile gotta hurt, so big it could break in his face.

 

“Gosh, stop looking so fucking pleased… we’re not having sex, dude…. I’m so not ready, yet.” he furrows and bites his lower lip in anticipation to a disappointed statement from Cas, the look changes into confusion when all Cas does is keep the smile but shake his head slightly while looking at their entwined hands.

 

“Dean… Dean I told you. I’m not gonna push you… ever.” He lifts his eyes to look into Dean’s, “But sleeping next to you… hold you tight against my chest,” he leans forward closing the distance between them, “and, man, falling asleep like that… Freckles, that’s gonna be the best birthday present ever.” Dean’s face reddens immediately and it gets worse when Cas chuckles.. “That’s if you’re okay with it… I mean, you could always take the bed and I could sleep on the floor, and we could talk until we fall asleep, like a proper sleepover.”

 

Dean adjusts his sitting position to properly face Castiel but holds Cas’ by the hips so he won’t move, “We’re not some freaking Peggy Sue, dude!” Dean snorts, “Besides, sleeping next to you will be awesome. I told my folks today that we’ll be having a sleepover… well, I may have made a concession or two in my word choice but still.” he shrugs, “I actually told them we have to study for Monday and since it’s Friday… well, you get the point.”

 

Castiel can’t take his eyes from Dean’s face, he’s usually a beautiful dude but when he’s a bit embarrassed, biting his lips and nervously speaking through smiling teeth, the kind of smile that does funny things to the area around his eyes, those little wrinkles adding cuteness to the beauty, he could die for him.

 

“Anyway, if you dads want to call my mom, that’s okay. Just tell them I told my mom we will be studying.” Dean finishes.

 

“Dammit.” Cas exclaims startling Dean, leaving him confused because he was expecting another kind of reaction from his boyfriend, “I have the best boyfriend ever and I could kiss you non stop like, forever.”

 

Cas’ smile wipes away all the worries in Dean’s mind, and his face goes from relieved, to happy and then to embarrassed, and all in a span of seconds.

 

“Dude, stop the praising.” he gets up holding Cas to avoid throwing him to the floor. Castiel laughs and looks at him with interest while Dean paces around, as if deciding what to do. Embarrassed looks good on him. But, being honest, everything looks good on Dean.

 

“Praise? You want praise?” he follows Dean around the small room, stopping two feet away from the desk Dean has decided to lean on, “I don’t think you have enough blood in your system to manage your red face if I really give you praise,” Dean rolls his eyes but laughs anyway, and yes, he blushes a bit more, “No, no, you’re so hot when you blush that every time you do, all I can think of is how hot you’d look all naked and blushing.” Cas leans on by Dean’s side “And the images of you coming, I picture you in my head every night, and you always look so hot. Oh God, and I’d kill to see the way you’ll look when I do the things I wanna do to you. Oh, Freckles, you have no idea…”

 

Cas observes amused as Dean lowers his eyes to look at the floor, fidgeting as if deciding if he’s flattered or wants to drop dead right there and then.

 

“Shit, and here I’m making you feel uncomfortable again. Dean. Dean look at me, please.”

 

Dean tries to look at him, he really does, but he just can’t. Drop dead it is, then, he thinks and wonders if Cas’ dads will have any problem taking his corpse down the stairs. So he just looks to the front at the bed. Shit.

 

“Freckles, c’mon, look at me… I’m sorry.” Cas lets his head fall over his hands and shakes it, “I’m sorry, I’m pushing you and that’s exactly what I promised I wouldn’t do… that’s it, I’ll stop talking.” he runs an imaginary zipper over his lips.

 

After a couple of seconds that felt like hours to Castiel, Dean turns his head to fix his eyes over his boyfriend’s face and whispers, “Don’t, Blue… I, I kinda like that.” he shrugs, “Would you… I don’t know, maybe whisper it to my ear?... it’s really hot.”

 

Dean looks at Cas when he remains silent, afraid he said the wrong thing, he regains ability to breathe when his boyfriend takes his hand and walks him to the further wall of his room, way out of window’s reach. He smiles and relaxes when Cas wraps his arms around his belly from behind and whispers in his ear, “So I take it you like my dirty talking, Freckles… shocking.”

 

“I can be shocking.” The taller kid jokes to hide his blushing. He pats Cas’ hands that’s holding him over his stomach. Dean can feel the smile on Castiel’s lips on his own skin and he loves it, it makes him feel strong and important.

 

“You wanna go further or is it enough for today?” Cas teases kissing Dean’s neck and loving the way his skin gets goose bumps all over at the simple touch, it makes Castiel want to indulge himself and lick Dean’s body from head to toes. He saves the thought to the list of _things to do to Dean when he’s ready_.

 

Oh but Dean is far more ready than Castiel thinks, he leans his head back on Castiel’s shoulder and extends his hand back to grab the hair at the back of Cas’ neck, he turns his head a bit to the left and whispers, “More.”

 

One word. Just one simple word makes Castiel’s mind go spinning, he breathes the perfume on Dean’s neck to ground himself. It’s hard, though, so he chooses to play dirty. “You wanna know what I want to do to you. Uhm Freckles?”

 

He bites the skin when he feels Dean nodding and his hip pushes forward on its own accord. “The minute you tell me you’re ready I’ll take your clothes off- piece by piece- kissing you every time each one hits the floor. By the time you’re naked, your lips will be all red and swollen. Your chest will have my teeth marks all over, but don’t worry, I’ll kiss every patch of bitten skin. I’ll take my time with your nipples.” he tightens his grip around Dean and he’s pleased when he feels Dean’s breath shutter. “I’m dying to know whether they’ll be sensitive or if I’ll have to bite them to make you all squirmy, I want to take all your defenses down and make you say my name in a different way.” Cas hands avoids the hem of Dean’s t-shirt and he caresses the firm skin of his stomach above the fabric, and he tentatively adventures higher above, honoring his promises and heading to the nipples, all while moving them, almost imperceptibly, towards the bed. Dean lets him. Cas doesn’t complain.

 

“And I’ll find the point where you’ll scream… and you _will scream_ , Dean,” he sits on top of the bed and tugs Dean to lay flat on his back. He hovers over him and touches Dean all over the chest, talking and kissing in turn, even at the same time for moments, “and when I get you finally naked, well… then it’s gonna be my turn, but I’ll take my time to take my clothes off, because you’re gonna be a sight and I’ll want to print you in my memory forever… Oh, God, I’m _seeing_ you right now… so beautiful with your skin glowing with my kisses and your dick hard and red, waiting for me… only for me. And I’ll eat you.” Cas can’t help it, he wants him so bad, so he plays with the hem of Dean’s t-shirt and, that’s the breaking point for Dean. He no longer gives a fuck, he wants Cas’ hands on him. Being ready is overrated, after all. Baby steps be damned. Dean takes Cas’ hand and moves it towards his chest, lifting the t-shirt with his other hand.

 

Cas gasps, shocked. “Dean, don’t. Just don’t.” he shakes his head slightly and closes his eyes, trying to control himself. He promised he wouldn’t press Dean into anything and he can now add that he’s not gonna take advantage of the state of arousal that Cas induced on him.

 

“I’m not gonna stop, Cas. I want this… I’ve wanted this for a long time, now. I want you to touch my chest… I want you to do all the things you promised to do. I’m not sure if I’m gonna want more… but please, Blue… I want this.” Dean pleases, murmuring desperately against his boyfriend’s lips.

 

Cas opens his eyes to study Dean’s expression, and he’s not disappointed to see he’s being honest. Dean doesn’t look frightened or doubtful, so he’s encouraged by the way Dean looks at him, love and lust in a perfect mix. He takes Dean’s shirt off, still straddling him, and stays still for a moment, chuckling at Dean’s quizzical look.

 

“Can I take mine off too?” he cautiously asks.

 

Dean nods a smile and whispers, “Talk.” it sounds like an order, and Cas complies with a smirk, pleased with himself.

 

Cas grunts as he takes his shirt off in record time, “Fuck, kinky boy,” he says while repositioning himself on top of Dean, “Your freckles…”he says, greedy eyes on Dean’s chest, “they’re all over you, so damn sexy… God, the things I wanna do to you…” he clears his throat, “uhm, where was I, again…?”

 

“Eating me.” Dean whispers through a cocky smile.

 

“Oh, yeah. I’ll start by kissing every freckle in sight… I’ll follow the path kissing the constellation on your chest and stomach, and I’ll take you in my mouth,” he licks Dean’s lips and Dean doesn’t squeak like a baby, “I bet you taste amazing, so good. Sweet and sour and so so _you_. I promise I’ll make you come just like that and, baby,” Cas whispers while barely touching Dean’s left nipple, “I’ll look into your eyes while I swallow you whole,” Dean whimpers feeling his bulge stretching his jeans, “And then, when the afterglow fades, I’ll cherish every inch of your body again while I open you and fuck you hard. But that’s another story.”

 

Dean is beyond arousal, he’s almost over the edge because he wants more with all his heart but he just doesn’t know how to ask for it. He’s afraid that, once everything is put in motion, he won’t be able to control himself or stop Cas from going further. Oh but he wants this so badly. Cas stays silent for a couple of minutes, busying himself nipping Dean’s earlobe, giving him time for whatever goes through his mind. He stills himself at the feel of Dean’s hips thrusting upwards and brushing against his own hard on.

 

Cas lifts himself to have a better look at Dean’s face because he also needs more, but he won’t force his boyfriend to things he’s clearly not ready for. Ruin things is not in his plans. One thing he can go forward with, though.

 

“Touch yourself, Freckles… come for me. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for more, just… just do it over the jeans.” he manages to say between faltered breathing.

 

Even in a state of confusion and fear that his eyes show so well, even after a couple of seconds of hesitation, Dean finds himself brave enough under Castiel’s praises and goes for it.

 

“Oh, man, you’re so beautiful, Dean, so perfect,” he observes the boy underneath him with blurred vision, all horny as hell and no shits to give. Cas lifts them to a sitting position, his chest against Dean’s back, his fingers tracing the lines of Dean’s freckles on his shoulders and he watches Dean’s arm movements when he starts touching his own dick, his muscles strong and tense at the pace and the pressure of his touches on himself. It’s a sight to die for but, as happy as it makes Cas to watch, he _wants_. So he tilts his head to have a better look at Dean’s face.

  
Castiel moves his hand to the front and touches Dean’s nipples without hesitation and he continues talking, voice full of desire finding hard to keep it even, his breath heavy and hot over Dean’s skin, “You are perfect like this, so hot and gorgeous… come for me, Dean. Show me how perfect you look when you come.”

 

That does it for Dean, Cas gruff voice against his back sending shivers to his spine, his legs trembling, and he comes in his pants, gasping for air and throwing his head back to rest on Cas’ shoulder.

  
Castiel now wraps both his arms around Dean’s torso from the back, kissing his exposed neck and glued to the other body, he searches for the friction he needs, “Mhm, yeah, so perfect, so good to me… you feel it? You feel what you do to me?” he punctuates every question with a thrust upwards of his hips, “feel me, Freckles, so good, so good.” Cas’ chants away, focusing on his breathing because despite of being so fucking horny he has enough control of his senses to know he shouldn’t be rutting in Dean… not yet.

  
“Blue.” Dean startles Cas by just whispering his nickname and stroking his knees, still holding the same position, not really ready to move just yet. He’s got a question, a request but he’s not ready to voice it face to face, so he closes his eyes, leans even closer back against Cas’ chest and awkwardly says, “Can I watch you?”

  
Castiel’s movements come to a sudden halt, he forgets how to breathe or how to talk. He eventually breathes again, and cautiously asks, “What?”

 

“Ehm, could you… y’know… show me how you…” Dean can’t say it with actual words so he just motions his hand in a fist, “you know… for me, too?”

  
Moving a bit to the left, Cas takes Dean by the shoulder to make him turn his way, “You want to watch me come? To touch myself?”

 

Castiel kneels to have better look at Dean’s eyes, to make sure that he really means what he’s asking for. Dean shrugs and blushes but he doesn’t unsay his request.

 

Castiel stands up to have better access to Dean’s face, to make sure that he really means what he’s asking for. Dean looks up and blushes but he doesn’t unsay his request.

 

“How you’d like it, Dean? With or without clothes?” he huskily asks.

 

“In bed?” Dean mumbles.

 

“In bed?” Cas asks confused, but a light of understatement shines immediately, “Oh! You mean, like naked?”

 

“Yeah, well, maybe not all…?” Dean tries to make sense while Cas loses his shoes and socks in a rapid succession of uncoordinated movements and then he sits at the edge of the bed.

 

“In my boxers is enough clothing?” voiced permission is vital at this point, and Cas needs it, he doesn’t want to risk everything they’ve achieved so far because of a misunderstanding. “Laying down?”, Dean nods smiling timidly.

 

Cas lies on his back and pats a spot next to him, inviting Dean to sit beside him, “Come here, kiss me.” they share a hard and sloppy kiss, while he removes his jeans. Dean keeps his eyes closed the whole time.

 

Dean opens his eyes at the touch of Cas’ hand cupping his cheek, “I’d like you to keep your eyes open, but remember… if this is too much for you just close your eyes. I’ll be here when you open them again.”

 

Castiel makes himself comfortable, holding Dean by his hip with one hand, his own head spinning rapidly, feeling dizzy while most of his blood is flying south, “Please look at me, this is all for you and for no one else… never again. You are my end game, baby… this is it.”

 

Dean watches him closely, sitting on his heels, and in awe as Cas starts stroking himself through the boxers without unlocking eyes. “You are so perfect, Dean and one day, your hand will replace mine and it will be heaven.” it takes him all the control he has not to take Dean’s hand to do just that, “Look what you do to me…” he takes the hem of his boxers with his thumb but stops right there, “Can I?” he asks, savagely looking at him and sighs when Dean nods.

 

Dean can’t stop looking at Cas’ cock, barely exposed when he lowers his boxers. Cas touches himself with slow self conscious strokes, he closes his eyes repeating Dean’s name as in a prayer, singing praises to him, “Shit, I can see you… you’ll be perfect around me, licking my dick, bobbing your head… god!, your perfect lips stretched around me.. So good, baby… so damned good…”

 

Cas is close, so fucking close and Dean can see that, he’s got a front row seat to the show and he loves it. He swipes his eyes from Cas’ dick to his eyes, and he sweetly says, “You are perfect, Blue” he leans on and whispers on Cas’ ear, “Show me.”

 

With a gasp that is half Dean’s name and half a grunt of relief, Cas comes.

 

Hesitating, Dean lies on his side next to Cas, warm bodies aligning. Dean busies himself by taking the sweaty stray hairs from Cas’ forehead, he kisses it whispering, “I love you.”

 

Castiel opens his eyes wide, lifts his head to look at his boyfriend’s face, smiling he happily says, “I love you too, Freckles.”

 

They clean the mess with Cas’ shirt but they don’t say anything else. There’s no need for words. There’s no need for space. Not anymore.

 

Cuddling all night for the very first time, is the perfect ending for a perfect night, and the perfect beginning for a perfect life together or, at least, a fun road ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments and subscriptions are very very appreciated so feel free to leave something nice for us!!!!


	9. 1985 – Iowa city - Christmas time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Morning, Freckles.” Cas sleepily smiles looking down at the top of the head that lies over his chest.  
> For years it’s always been like this. They’d go to bed with Cas’ head on Dean’s crook of the neck, his nose against the freckled skin as if he needed his scent to lullaby himself to sleep, and then somewhere in the middle of the night they would shift towards this position. Dean’s arm crossed over Cas’ stomach, grabbing him possessively and his head over his chest, undoubtedly using Castiel’s heartbeats to ground him on his sleep.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

 

“Morning, Freckles.” Cas sleepily smiles looking down at the top of the head that lies over his chest.

 

For years it’s always been like this. They’d go to bed with Cas’ head on Dean’s crook of the neck, his nose against the freckled skin as if he needed his scent to lullaby himself to sleep, and then somewhere in the middle of the night they would shift towards this position. Dean’s arm crossed over Cas’ stomach, grabbing him possessively and his head over his chest, undoubtedly using Castiel’s heartbeats to ground him on his sleep. 

 

Dean stretches, arching his back and flexing the muscles on his shoulder blades. He huffs a content little laugh and kisses his man over the heart.

 

“Morning, Blue.” Dean answers looking up, with a single eye half open in something that looks like a wink, “You wanna be ravished or do the ravishing? I remember a promise…” Dean crawls into a semi sitting position to hover over Cas’ face, stopping when they’re nose to nose, sleepy eyes locked.

 

Castiel cups Dean’s face, thumbs tracing the line of the strong jaw he loves so much, and arching one eyebrow he invites, “Dunno… surprise me”, he offers kissing Dean sweetly on the lips.

 

Dean leans on the kiss, unable to break the spell, Castiel’s lips are his drug… he’s addicted and it’s the only thing that can make him forget the world. He smiles into the kiss, and runs his fingers through Cas’ bed hair.

 

“Cas, about last night… I was serious…” he whispers against Cas’ lips.

 

Castiel sighs without second intention, smiles and pecks Dean again. “I know, Dean. But,” he moves them on their side to lay their heads on the pillow, facing each other, “it’s just that I don’t need papers to be your husband. We’ve been married for the last 25 years.”

 

Dean makes a disenchanted face but he’s not hurt, in fact he’s happy that Cas feels like that, he has considered himself married also, and yet…

 

“I know, Babe. It’s just that, I don’t know, I just thought it would be nice.”

 

Castiel tilts his head back on the pillow to have a better look at Dean’s face. He loves this man so much, they fought so much to be together. They learnt to be patient, to wait and trust in the other. 

 

Sometimes it’s hard to believe how much they would have missed if they hadn’t been so brave. Come to think of it, it was pure luck that they found each other in high school, because, let’s be honest, Dean had tried so hard to be straight at the time that if they’d met years later, chances were he wouldn’t have given Cas a second look… and Cas would have had to work harder to get him. Because, oh yes, one way or another Castiel has always believed they were meant to be together and now…

 

Now Dean is looking at him with a quizzical look, he must have probably been staring at him for a couple of minutes, keeping Dean waiting for an answer. So Castiel leans back in and smiles, making Dean’s face lose the worried look.

 

“Freckles, there’s nothing that makes me happier than to make  _ you  _ happy. Let’s do it.” and the smile that breaks in Dean’s face is priceless, and then Cas understands he’s doing the right thing, he holds Dean with one hand over his lower back and kisses him deeply. Parting for air, he says, “We should keep it a secret… I’d love to surprise everyone.”

 

Dean leans in to kiss Cas again, happy beyond words, his hands all over Castiel’s body mapping every inch of beloved skin. Cas lifts his chin to give Dean better access to his neck, and feels a shiver when Dean’s warm breath lands over his ear as he whispers, “I think I wanna be ravished today.”

 

Castiel laughs and kisses Dean once again, while he moves them to be on top. His  _ husband-to-be-for-real’ _ s requests are orders.

 

* * *

 

**1985 – Iowa city - Christmas time.**

“Pizza?”, Cas asks shocked, “for Christmas?” 

Dean snorts nervously at the scandalized tone of Castiel’s question. “What? Of course not!” he rolls his eyes dismissively, “just for Christmas eve.” he then leans a bit closer as if sharing an incredible secret, “On Christmas we have turkey and stuffing and the whole nine yards, Blue!” he shrugs before continuing, sitting back “It’s just that me and Sam have this little ritual on Christmas eve, we like to stay up till midnight and eat pizza.”

 

“Oh, that’s nice.” Cas makes an appreciative nod and then furrows his eyebrows at the boy sitting next to him on his bed, “Wait, you’re inviting me?”

 

Dean tsks distractedly,  and looks up to the ceiling, joining his hands on the back of his head and crossing his ankles, the posterboy of relaxation.

 

“You see, I want you there, even if we can’t do shit.” Dean turns his head to face Cas, “Sam is inviting Jess over so it’s kinda fair, don’t you think?”

 

Cas hums his agreement, he’s not showing but he feels his chest burst not only of joy at the prospect of spending Christmas Eve with the Winchesters, but he also feels something like anticipation, he’s been patient with Dean’s needs to take it slow so when Dean invited him to a family festivity, well, sue him for being freaking happy.

 

Whenever Castiel is alone he thinks and thinks about this. In his memory, the very first thing that called his attention on Dean was his extremely self confident look, and the moves… oh, don’t get him started on  _ that; a _ t the beginning it was fun to provoke and tease him but in time he started to care and to develop things and feelings he’d never felt before. So he promised to himself to be patient, to give Dean time to overcome all his fears. Today, there’s an immense sense of joy that crawls under his skin like a pride worm, because this invitation means exactly that: the end of the beginning, Dean is lowering all his barriers, all his fears, solely for him. From then on it’s only up and ahead.

 

Cas turns on his stomach and supports himself on his elbows, evil grin in place as he asks, “And what have you exactly planned to tell your parents? I mean, Jess is Sam’s girlfriend, and I...”

 

Dean closes his eyes sighing, “I haven’t thought that far yet… but I’ll figure it out.” he turns his face winking at Cas.

“Okay. I like it. I’ll ask my dads. I can’t stay overnight though. We have a strict Christmas policy, we open presents at 8 AM sharp. Last time I was late they hid all my presents and I spent the whole day searching through the house. Never gonna happen again.” Cas says seriously.

 

“Oh, c’mon, Cas. How bad can that be?” Dean snorts.

 

“How- how bad? Have you met Gabe? In 1975 I was eight and all I wanted was a Wonder Woman action figure, the TV show had only started right before Christmas but I already loved it. I overslept because Gabe had kept me awake telling me stories. When I woke up he had hidden the doll in the attic, the magic lace inside the fridge and the invisible plane underneath my dads’ bed… Hey! Stop laughing!” Dean’s bent holding his stomach, laughing hard, “It was traumatizing, you know?” but he laughs as well, “Anyway, I’ll have to be home by 12.30 tops.”

 

Dean cleans his eyes, tears falling freely for laughing so hard, “We’ll manage, Blue, no prob.”

 

They remain silent for a while, catching their breaths after laughing so hard and taking the chance to get closer to each other, naked chests pressed together, t-shirts long ago tossed to the floor. None of them knows how it started but after a couple of PG-13 rated kisses, their hands are all over the other. The touches are not frantic or needy, just exploratory, loving and feather-like.

 

Dean loves moments like this, no rush, just easy, comforting loving touches, mapping each other’s torsos and exploring new ways of making the other shiver.

 

Had this been a competition, though, Castiel could have claimed the first prize. Dean is on his back, accepting Cas’ mouth’s ownership over his chest. He squirms and arcs his back when Castiel sucks at his nipple. So fucking sensitive. Good.

 

Cas licks the hardened bump and demands, “You gotta promise me you’ll get me back on time or I won’t be able to go at all. Dads’ rules. They’re gonna make you promise that.”

 

Dean tilts his chin down, trying really hard to focus on Cas’ words even when his dick urges him to do more interesting things. “Blue, if you don’t stop doing that, I- I won’t possibly answer… p-please.” 

 

But his boyfriend sighs. First things first.

 

Castiel is on a mission so he won’t listen but he will try and get away with it. “Stop?” his tongue pausing its primal duty to question his boyfriend’s motives, “What’s the problem, Dean? You love it… I love it… we all love it,” he details emphasizing each word with a lick to the nipple below, “mhm so sensitive… who'd've known… I wonder if I can make you come out of licking them… or would my voice do the trick at the end? mhm?” 

 

Dean gasps and opens eyes wide. Expectant. 

 

“I see… but not now… maybe later.” Cas decides whispering over Dean’s nipple, sending a puff of hot breath over the oversensitive skin, a sensation so delicate, so soft that sends shivers to his spine.

 

“Right,” Dean complains, “and in the meantime you’re killing me.” he throws his head forward to look at Cas in the eyes, “You better stop teasing and begin doing something… or just get up already.”

 

“Shit, you’re so hot when you get mad…” Cas hurries himself up to nibble Dean’s jaw line, “What d’you say, Dean… wanna try something new? Feel bold enough to go a little beyond?”

 

Dean smirks, and that’s new because, as cocky and the blond kid usually is, he’s been way too shy when it comes to sex with Castiel. So Cas crooks an eyebrow when he hears him say, “Maybe.” Cas worries his lower lip when Dean licks his own before saying, “Why don’t you,” Dean leans a bit closer, “tell me.”

 

Cas eyes Dean as if measuring his true intentions, “Let’s see… Mhm… I don’t know, I could whisper how much I want to touch you but since I know that you’re not ready for that, I could instead hold you tight and watch you come like you did in my birthday. No touching, just… “ Dean gasps but says nothing, “maybe it’d be a better idea to just hold really tight and rut into each other… make each other come?” 

 

Cas regrets every word he’s just said, Dean remains silent and closed eyes.

“Hey, Freckles, wait,... I’m sorry if I said something…” he doesn’t get to finish because Dean stammers.

 

“I… no, I don’t want any of that, i’d like- I want… shit.” 

 

Cas straddles Dean and cups his face, “What Dean? What do you want?” but he gets nothing, “Do you want me to guess? Would that be alright?” he sighs relieved when Dean nods. He’s back to being shy. Okay, Cas can handle it.

 

“So, Dean… you want my hands… my mouth…?” Cas whispers as his breath leaves a warm path over Dean’s cheeks, as he moves from the blonde’s ear to his mouth. “Where, Freckles.” he says against his mouth, not touching it and yet Dean parts his lips. Cas maps Dean’s face with his eyes, but fixing them on his boyfriend’s waiting for an answer.

 

“Dick… mine.” Dean says, barely audible, fishing for the lips that Castiel denies him of.

 

Cas moves to the side and cradles his head on his hand, a cocky grin in his eyes, “Oh, I see… you want me to touch you, uh?” he licks his lips and traces Dean’s sternum with his index finger, “make you come… with my hands? Or maybe with my mouth?”

 

“No.” Dean’s categoric despite the gasp of air he sucks; shocked or thrilled, Cas is not sure.

 

“Mhm, shame. Okay, no mouth. Jeans off?” Castiel likes the game.

 

“Maybe.” Dean sounds a little bit more self confident.

 

“Boxers?” Cas asks with a hopeful tone.

 

“No.” and this time Cas has no doubt, there’s a little panic tone.

 

“Okay, I got an idea. C’mere.” Castiel sits on the bed dragging Dean up with him. He opens his legs, making room for Dean to position himself there, “Come close, press your back against my chest.” as Dean obliges Cas takes his head and makes it rest over his shoulder, exposing Dean’s freckled neck to his lips and Dean closes his eyes to focus on Cas’ movements and lips. “If it’s too much just tell me and I’ll stop. I promise.”

 

Dean hums and Castiel stays there for a while, nibbling at his neck and dragging soft moans from Dean’s mouth, his breath heavy with anticipation.

 

When Castiel feels Dean’s hands gripping tighter over his legs, Cas makes an involuntary thrust up and decides to move on. He moves his hands in a line from Dean’s chest to his tights and stays there, caressing, stroking, using his nails to draw lines on the fabric of the jeans. Dean turns his head to peck Cas on the lips, too dizzy to do anything else. Pleased with himself, Castiel smiles against Dean’s earlobe and nibbles at it while he tentatively unbuttons Dean’s jeans, making his breath come in shatters, which only encourages the blue eyed boy. 

 

The zipper comes next. For somebody as desperate as Castiel, he manages to unzip it really slow, and only when he slides a couple of fingers inside the hem of the boxer he feels Dean stopping breathing altogether so he stops cold. “Is it okay, Dean?” but then Dean relaxes underneath his touch, so he continues, “I’m gonna get it down a bit, I need you to tell me how you like it.” Dean gasps at the touch of cold air but grabs Cas’ thighs as if his life depended of it

 

“You are so beautiful.” Cas whispers against Dean’s shoulder, biting and licking to distract Dean from his business down south. He mechanically kisses him from shoulder blade to earlobe to be able to focus in the drag of his finger over Dean’s shaft. The first time he touches him like that and Cas wants the memory for ever in his mind. 

 

He traces the side vein and the moan that comes from Dean’s mouth is right down pornographic. Cas takes the cue and curves his hand to to cover Dean’s shaft beginning a series of calculated strokes, “So so beautiful. So perfect. So mine. Shit, you’re gonna feel so good inside me. I’ll be so stretched, I’ll be so tight and hot that you’re gonna love it. It’ll be so good.” 

 

Castiel’s praises continue, and not a single one of them is a lie, he means it with all his heart. And he’s also horny as hell, so he fastens the strokes more and more, with his own heart racing fast.

 

Dean barely opens his eyes, tilting his head back to search for Cas’ lips, “Cas, please, Blue...I…” he cries.

 

In the end it’s Castiel’s gravely voice what does the trick. Dean’s been on the edge for a few minutes now and when his boyfriend’s voice thick with arousal growls, “So fucking perfect… come for me, Freckles… show me.” Dean comes in white spurs over Cas’ hands, crying Cas’ name, body rigid with the effort of coming hard, oversensitive. He tilts his head to kiss Cas again, deeper and as desperate as before. 

 

Once Dean can control his breathing and his heart rate is back to normal-ish, he feels bolder and gathers the courage to ask, “I want to… I… I want to feel you…”

 

Castiel’s smile falters, shocked but not all that surprised, he just  _ knew  _ the moment wasn’t that far away and yet… Cas bites his lower lip and Dean’s eyes darken with the movement. Through a smile, Castiel nods and holds out a finger to let Dean know that he’s gonna take a minute. He comes back with his T-shirt and tenderly cleans Dean up.

 

Dean moves on the bed to lean back on the headboard and pats between his legs to invite Cas to sit there. Dean smirks.

 

“Well, well… look who got bold all of the sudden… shocking, Freckles.” Cas loses his jeans while leaning forward to kiss Dean deeply. “I’m not complaining, though, I’m gonna take my chances.”

 

Dean’s confidence drops, suddenly not that into the game and Castiel notices. Cradling Dean’s face, he kisses his closed eyes and whispers against his mouth, “Relax, Freckles, I’m not gonna do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I can do this myself if you think it’s too much.”

 

“No.” Dean opens his eyes and sighs, relaxing into Castiel’s arms. “I want to do it, it’s just… it’s just that I don’t know how.”

 

Cas chuckles and takes his place in between Dean’s legs, his back pressed against Dean’s chest. “Well, Freckles, we have the same equipment so I suggest you do to mine whatever you like to be done to yours. We’ll figure it out from there.”

Dean loves Castiel’s pale skin, soft and tasty. He takes time nibbling his earlobe and licking his shoulder while his hands slowly travel from Cas’ throat to his stomach, playing with his nipples and the hair on his navel. Castiel’s breath comes in soft puffs, and he doesn’t even notice. He’s in heaven.

 

Dean’s hand cropping over his shaft over his boxer is a surprise and gasps. He feels Dean’s smile against his skin and the hand groping his dick squeezes.

 

Cas hips thrust up and a low moan escapes his throat, “Oh, God, please!”

 

Dean stops for a split second, feeling suddenly brave and the sounds coming from Cas’ mouth are doing nothing but encouraging him. He smiles tugging the boxer rimm down exposing the tip of his boyfriend’s shaft, touching it with the pad of his thumb, doing circular motions moistened by his precum. 

 

“Shit, enough with the teasing… you’re killing me” Cas complains, clutching to Dean’s knees to stop himself from taking matters in his own hands.

 

Dean smirks a little wider and darts his tongue to lick the crook of Cas’ neck while he tugs the boxers fabric far below to expose new flesh, and moans as he touches it. He takes his time, stopping to taste Cas shoulder skin and to feather touch the length of his dick, becoming slowlier but harder with every stroke.

 

“Shit, Dean, I told you it’d be heaven…” he gasps, “I was wrong…. This is fucking paradise, don’t… don’t stop.” Cas tilts his head back to rest on Dean’s shoulder, mouth open, eyes shut. “My perfect, precious Dean… mine… now stop trying to kill me and fast the pace or…”

 

“Or what?” Dean cuts him cold, smirking and fighting the urge to comply, “I’m running the show now, Cas, and I’ll decide how to do it… now, shush and relax, my dear.”

 

“Oh so you’re bossy, now.” Cas chuckles, trying not to die of want, “I like bossy you… a lot. You’re gonna be the death of me though, Freckles.” He manages to say in between grunted noises and body spasms.

 

Dean can’t believe he’s enjoying it this much, he puffs a laugh and darts his tongue out to moisten his lips and say, “Blue… you’re so good, so perfect and,” he licks Cas’ earlobe and breaths out, “mine.” he barely scratches the tip of the dick with his fingernails and presses his lips to Cas’ temple to ask, “What do you want, Blue… tell me.”

 

“You.” it’s all Cas can say without choking with words.

 

Dean guides Cas’ face to kiss him roughly while the pace of his hand fastens. Tongues fighting for dominance, grunts and moans echoing in the room; Dean is beyond himself. His other hand, the one that is not fisting his boyfriend, finds his way to Cas’ nipple, ghosting around it, and finally pinching it and that was it. Castiel’s arches and comes crying Dean’s name. He comes so hard he paints both his chest and Dean’s hand on it with cum.

 

In the swirl of emotions and in the high of the climax, Cas wants it to last for ever and also to come down to reality, somehow achieving both by kissing Dean harder and still dazy managing to say, “I love you so much, Freckles… so much”

 

Dean tightens his hold of Cas and with an easy and warm tone he heartly answers, “I love you too, Blue.” 

 

They rearrange themselves on the bed to a more comfortable position and fall into a sated nap.

 

* * *

 

Christmas Eve turns out to be perfect. The four of them laughing, watching TV and playing some board games in the living room. Sam and Jess giving each other looks like the pair of in love teens they are. It should make Dean jealous because he wants to touch and look at his boyfriend with the same liberty as his baby brother but that’s all right, they’re time will come… eventually… hopefully…

 

Mary and John join at a point and play a few board games with them and they also share the pizza dinner in the kitchen, all six around the table talking and laughing. Dean feels his heart could explode seeing Cas so confident and easy talking and laughing around his parents. He toys with the idea that one day, not far from now, he will be fortunate enough to have him at this very table as his boyfriend in a family dinner, just like this one. 

 

John and Mary say good night around 11PM leaving them alone, making their kids to promise to take the guests home in time, as their respective parents had asked, and ordered Dean to be careful when driving.

 

At 12.01 the four of them share presents, after briefly kissing their partners. There’s T-shirts for the boys and a small bottle of perfume for Jess.

 

* * *

 

It’s Christmas morning and even when they love their families and it’s a fun family day in both houses, Cas and Dean feel lonely. 

 

Cas puts up with his brothers mocking him for a couple of hours at breakfast time but they soon stop the stalking when they realize Cas really misses Dean. Even Gabe began to behave, and that’s something shocking, as Kali pointed out. 

 

After lunch, long phone calls were in order and they talked about plans, about how much they missed each other and a thousand ways of promising neverending love were said; Cas gasps in surprise and finds himself speechless when Dean states, “ **Blue, I will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s our time** . I love you, baby.”

 

* * *

 

“C’mon, Freckles! It’s just a movie!” Cas corners him at the exit of the market where Mary asked Dean to grab some milk and fruit.

 

“I’m not saying I don’t wanna go, Blue, it’s just that… I don’t know…” Dean shrugs, almost out of excuses.

 

“You sure? It’s  _ The jewel of the Nile _ … Michael Douglas, you know… in khaki with a whip and all…” Cas informs, as if it’s not big deal, but actually knowing Dean  _ loves  _ Michael Douglas, “We could go to the diner next to the cinema and, uhm I don’t know…. Have dinner? Like friends do?” He bumps Dean’s shoulder, “C’mon, Dean, no one has to  _ know…  _ we’ll be just two friends hanging.”

 

Next Saturday Dean picks Cas up in the Impala and they go to the theatre. It’s the 4PM screening, aimed for kids, so they hope they can get away with the hand holding at least.

 

They sit at the back row. The movie is awesome, Michael Douglas is great and they hold hands during the entire movie and share a kiss or two when the theater went darker. But as amazing as the date is going, fate is a bitch and they were chatting, still holding hands, paying no attention at all to the final titles when a scream shocks them both.

 

“DEAN!” a female voice, a very well known one, rises her tone, imperative and upset. Angry, even.

 

“What the hell, Winchester!” A gruff male voice demands.

 

“Hi, bro!” Dean mutters, angry, “Jo…” Dean nods at their interlocked hands, raising his eyebrows, “You’ve got anything to share?”

 

Jo holds their intertwined hands up, “This is a date, Dean… What about you?” she says, almost disgusted, “I guess you’re a fag now…”

 

“Fuck you, Jo! Whatever I do with my life it’s my goddamn business and mine alone.” Dean starts to raise his own voice and only stops when he feels Cas’ hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down.

 

“So one of my friends becomes a fag and it’s none of my business…Sure, I get now why Rhonda left you…” Jo spats the words to his face, voice cracking almost in the verge of tears.

 

Benny notices and, glancing at Dean, he takes Jo by the elbow and pleads, “Babe, let’s go. I don’t want to be around them. He’s not worth your tears.”

 

“No!” Jo frees herself from Benny’s grab and takes a step closer to Dean, “I need an explanation. And YOU,” she point her index at Cas, “this is all your fault. I’m gonna tell everybody that you’re a fag… I don’t know what you did to him but I’m gonna find out and tell on you with the principal.”

 

Now Dean takes a step closer to Jo and stands as tall as he is, looking down at her, “If you hurt him by even only opening your filthy little mouth, I’m gonna kill you, brat. NO!” he takes a step back, as if he’d changed his mind, “I got a better idea, I’m gonna tell Ellen and you’ll have to deal with her…” he smirks, knowing he’s win this round. 

 

He pats Cas on the shoulder and they are moving away when he hears Jo muttering with disgust, “We’ll see what my mother has to say about THAT”

 

Cas and Dean take a deep breath of clear and cold air when they step out of the theater. Cas looks at his shoes, “I’m sorry, Dean… I should have known…”

 

“It’s okay, Cas. It’s not your fault… they were to find out eventually.” They awkwardly look at each other as they walk away from the theater door. “I’m sorry, but I’m not hungry… I’ll take you home.” he says taking his car keys from his pocket.

 

Castiel sighs, tsks and says in a low voice, “You’re letting them ruin our date.”

 

“I’m sorry, Blue… my mood is ruined. I’d be a crappy date now… C’mon, I’ll take you home.”

 

The drive to Castiel’s home is fast and silent. A ghost taking a sit in between them, cold and full of insecurities. Dean focused on the road to avoid the pleading blue eyes sitting next to him. Cas debating with himself whether to merge and kiss him or just let him be and decide they’re worth to fight for.

 

Dean parks the Impala in front of Cas’ home and immediately grabs Cas’ left wrist. He doesn't look at his eyes, he looks at his thumb instead, as he caresses Cas’ back of the hand, as if by doing so he could soften his words.

 

“I’m sorry, Blue. I need time to think. I’ll call you tomorrow.” he finally says in a well of words that do nothing to help hurting Castiel.

 

Cas feels his eyes watering, he knows already what this means. They’ve gone through so much together, he’s been so patient, so understanding. This can’t be happening. Not like this.

 

“Don’t. Don’t leave like this, Dean. Please. We did nothing wrong.” He moves to fully face Dean now, cupping his chin to make him look at his face, “I love you, please don’t leave.” he pleads.

 

“I love you too, Cas, but sometimes love is not enough.” Dean somberly states, “I need to think.”

 

Castiel is frozen. No. Please, no. His prayer like a litany. He blinks only when he feels Dean pecking him. This is a dream, this is a fucking nightmare. He stops breathing when Dean leans over him to open the passenger door and sits straight again. With both hands on the steering wheel, he chokes on tears as he says, “I’m sorry, Blue. Good bye.”

 

Cas looks at him, he can’t understand why Dean’s doing this if it hurts enough to make him cry. He supposes he’ll never do. An odd combination of anger and sadness takes over him, something he’s positive he’s never felt before rises in his chest and he forces himself to step out of the car, before he shuts the door he steadily states, “Good bye, Dean. Call me if I ever meant anything to you.”

 

Castiel turns around and heads towards his front door, purposely not turning around when he hears the engine start and the wheels shreer on the asphalt. Dean is gone, he can now fall all the tears he’s been holding. He enters his home and runs upstairs, falling flat on the bed, arms spread away from his body, his heart in one hand and his hopes in the other.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments and subscriptions are very very appreciated so feel free to leave something nice for us!!!!


	10. 1985 – Iowa city - Four days before new year.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WE ARE BACK!!!!! We are sorry for the delay. We were involved in 3 diferent Big Bangs. You can read them in our works.
> 
> Love. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> "The ravishing waking up was as good as ever, best way to start the day, if anything. Lingering kisses, soothing touches… the usual sated expressions in their faces after a very satisfying sex. They’re lying on their backs side by side, but it doesn’t take too long for Dean to roll over to his right and lay his head on his hand."

Los Angeles - Present time

 

The ravishing waking up was as good as ever, best way to start the day, if anything. Lingering kisses, soothing touches… the usual sated expressions in their faces after a very satisfying sex. They’re lying on their backs side by side, but it doesn’t take too long for Dean to roll over to his right and lay his head on his hand.

“Remember our first fight?” he distractedly asks while playing with Cas’ curling hair on the back of his ear. He’s gonna have to convince him to get a haircut soon, since they’ve retired Castiel likes to keep his hair wild and unruly, but Dean likes it short, he loves the way it frames his gorgeous face.

Castiel flicks a dirty look at him before answering, “Which one? The first time we shouted at each other or perhaps the time you almost broke up with me because Jo and Benny saw us kissing, uh?” he turns to look up at the ceiling once more, but with a knowing smirk on his lips, the kind of expression that usually amuses Dean. Today, though…

“I never broke up with you, asshat.” Dean snarls at him in a playful tone.

Castiel sits as ejected by a spring and turns to him accusingly, “DEAN WINCHESTER, you liar! You may have decided not to pursue the break up at the end but I saw the resolution in your eyes at the time.” he holds his hand out to stop Dean from complaining and then he continues, “I understand it was too much for you and you wanted to run away from the consequences of coming out but it still hurt.” he softens his voice realizing how his words could be taken, “I’m glad you didn’t run away, well… at least not so far away.”

Dean cradles Cas’ face with one hand and rubs his thumb over the soft chick while worrying his lower lip, “I know I hurt you and I’ve never fully forgiven myself. It’s just that I was so scared about Jo’s threat that it was hard to get past that and, anyway… you’ve got Sam to thank for my coming out, sort of speak.”

Cas leans back on the bed, hands on the back of his neck, sighing deeply he states, “Yeah, well, Sam’s always been so mature for his age.” an evil grin appears in his lips as he teases, “I think I picked the wrong Winchester.”

Dean holds his belly as he laughs heartily “Right,” he moves to tickle Cas’ waist, “because you’d want to be stuck with the moose and his girly hair.”

Castiel battles Dean’s hands covering his belly area to prevent more tickles, as he tries to regain the ability to breathe, “Hey!” he admonishes, “I love Sam’s hair. I think you’re just jealous…” he teases a bit further.

Pouting, Dean shrugs one shoulder and complains, “Right, ‘cause I want to waste one hour every morning brushing it, pfff.”

Cas kisses Dean’s pout smiling against his lips, cards his fingers through Dean’s hair admiring the short sandy silkiness of it. “Don’t worry; I love your hair too. Sam’s hair is lovely but he lacks the constellations of freckles on his skin, I’ll stick to my choice.”

 

* * *

 

 

1985 – Iowa city - Four days before new year.

 

The ride home feels like watching a movie -a very bad and sad one- a well of tears running down his cheeks and, come to think of it, it was a miracle that he arrived home safe.

Dean parks the Impala on the driveway but lingers in the car, his mind running a hundred miles an hour thinking of how to avoid his parents while he runs upstairs with his red eyes and crappy general state.

He knew Sam, on the other hand, would be impossible to fool.

“I’ll be in my room, mom, I have to study.” he yells as he goes through the living room where his mom is reading and Sam’s watching TV. Kid brother observes suspiciously at big bro running upstairs, taking two steps at a time. He waits five minutes and excuses himself to go upstairs too.

Sam knocks on Dean’s room but enters without waiting for an answer, “Hey, Dean!”, he finds his brother sitting on the floor with his back against the bedside, his red face lowered to hide his eyes but he can’t fool his brother and Dean knows it. Even so, Sam may be too young but he’s good at reading his big brother, “How was the movie? I wanna watch it” he distractedly asks.

“It was good.” Dean says in a whisper, lifting his head a little when he feels Sammy sitting on the floor next to him.

“What happened, Dee?” Sam bumps Dean’s shoulder prompting him to talk.

The fact that the brothers were so close had nothing to do with luck, Dean had fallen in love with his baby brother the second he was brought home from the hospital by John and Mary. The little bun in Mary’s arms looked so tiny, so fragile and Dean was so proud of being a big brother that, at age four, he decided that taking care of him would be his job. So from then on and for many months, John or Mary would wake up late at night to feed baby Sam and would find Dean inside the crib, curling himself into a ball to protectively fit next to his brother. And every morning when he found himself on his own bed, after his parents had taken him back there without waking him up, he’d go first to check on Sammy and, satisfied to find him sleeping, he would follow his morning routine and allow his mom to dress him, feed him breakfast and John to take him to the kindergarten. Even when with the years he wouldn’t sleep next to Sam anymore, they would never be apart. They would prank each and have arguments other like any other set of brothers but never too seriously, never ending a day upset at each other.

So now, sitting on the floor with his eyes red, Dean flirts with the idea of deflecting, thinking of the benefits of a plain dirty lie. It only lasted a second because he knew he could never lie to his brother about something, about  _ someone  _ so important for him.

Dean sighs and hides his face in his palms, “We ran into Benny and Jo at the movies. You knew they’re dating?” he asks.

Sam chuckles, “No, but it doesn’t surprise me. Jo won’t stop talking about Benny, like  _ never _ .” he says amused. And it was true, he’d asked Jo several times if she was in love with Benny since the only topic of conversation with her would begin and end with his name. Seriously, if she wanted to keep it a secret, she was doing a shitty work.

“I know, and still it was a surprise to find them kissing and holding hands. The dude is kinda weird and Jo is so like us, never thought they would date.” Sam lets him talk, knowing full well Dean’s gonna spill when he’s ready. He doesn’t have to wait for too long, “Cas and I were talking on the back row, she saw us and shouted at me, she called me a fag and threatened Cas.” his voice breaks, all the hurt and fears from earlier making it to his nerves, again.

Sam feels bad for Dean; his first instinct is to call Jo right away and shout at her over the phone or even better go to the RoadHouse and demand her taking back everything she had said to his big brother. He settles for comforting his brother, “Sorry, Dean.”

“Tough shit, I think she’s gonna tell everyone I know. What if she tells Ellen and she goes to Mom or, shit, to Dad…” Dean’s breathing fastens and he begins to hyperventilate.

“Dean, dude, breathe! Look, Aunt Ellen is not gonna say a word. She loves you.” Sam soothes Dean’s back trying to make him calm but he knows it’s not easy.

“Maybe, but still, Jo is gonna tell the gang and no one’s gonna talk to me ever again.” the tears come back, taking the same path on his face as the ones he shed on the Impala.

“Dee, your friends won’t stop talking to you. They’ll probably get mad because you kept this from them. And if anyone does stop talking to you because you are dating Cas then they were not your friends at all and you’re far better without them. You see, Jess took it really well and so did Rhonda.”

“Dude, Rhonda broke up with me because of Cas.” Dean matter of factly points out.

“Duh. But not because you’re gay,” at the stern look on Dean’s face, he corrects himself, “okay, not because you’re  _ bi _ . She broke up with you because she deserves a boyfriend that likes her better. And you liked Cas better.”

“Right. She left me because I’m an insensible bastard.” Dean would punch himself on the face if he didn’t know his brother would stop him.

“Okay, enough with the self-loathing, dude.” Sam admonishes him, “You ate?”

“No, wasn’t in the mood. I left Cas after the movie.” the older Winchester informed.

Sam takes him by the shoulder to make Dean face him, “Did you break up with him?” he worriedly asks.

“Err… not exactly…” Dean trails off.

“But?” Sam pushes.

“Look, Sammy… I just panicked and didn’t know what to do.” Dean says looking away, embarrassed.

“Dean,” Sam huffs out, “I swear, if you broke up with Cas because of this I’ll never talk to you again.” he seriously tells his brother.

“Sammy…” Dean’s excuses are cut out by Sam standing abruptly and accusingly looking down at him.

“NO” he coldly says and Dean  _ has  _ to look up, “I’ve never seen you this kind of happy, Dee. You freaking bounce when you walk, dude! Seeing your eyes sparkle when you talk about him is something I’ve never seen before. I’ve seen you two together and you can’t stop touching each other, and I’m not even talking about the sex kind of touch… just the way you bring each other comfort” he kneels in front of Dean to look at him straight in the eyes, “Tell me, Dean -and please be honest with yourself- were you ever this happy? Have you ever been happy at all, Dean?”

Dean can’t hold Sam’s gaze, he looks at the floor and heartily answers, “Never.”

“Well,” Sam stands up again, his hands on jar over his hips, looks at the ceiling and sighs, “You’ve got your answer right there, Dean.  _ HE’S WORTH IT _ . So stop being a coward and to hell with the world.” they stay silent for a few minutes, Sam resolves to do something else to cheer Dean up, “Look, I’m gonna make you a PB&J and that’s the last thing I’ll do for you until I hear that you and Cas are good again. The rest… well, we’ll deal with the rest when the time comes.”

Sam leaves the room and as soon as the door closes Dean throws his head back against the mattress and starts crying again. He understands his brother’s intentions but Sam can’t understand how scared, how fucking terrified he’s of losing his friends, of their parents finding out and, most of all, of losing Cas.

* * *

 

 

Los Angeles - Present time

 

Their breathing is even, Dean hums contently at the feeling of his man’s hand distractedly carding through his hair. This is something he doesn’t seem to get enough of, the hands of the man he loves over him. Touching, caressing and massaging his whole body. Some mornings he’s the one administering the careful loving touches, ghosting over the soft skin making Cas shudder with pleasure, but it’s not a game of lust; it’s a way to show love and attention, another way to say  _ I love you _ . Other mornings, Dean just likes to lay there at Cas’ mercy; he only has to close his eyes and  _ feel _ .

They both know what the other likes, they know where to feather touch, where to press, where to kiss. It’s been years since they began exploring each other, memorizing the map of their skin, marking it and claiming it theirs.

Dean’s head is gone, focused on the sensation of Cas’ attention, shivering at the ghost touches of his Blue’s lips on the crook of his neck when the words Castiel whispers between kisses alters him.

“It took you 42 fucking hours to call me.” Cas joins Dean on the pillow with his nose and lips against Dean’s neck. “I cried for 35 hours and slept the rest. Gabriel wanted to kill you all the time. I mean, seriously, he even had dreams where he’d run over you with his car.”

Dean made an acknowledging noise, a sound without mirth. He had wanted to forget about all this for years after they’d finally managed to stay together but for some reason it seemed more of a betrayal to do so than the actual memory he was trying to ignore. So he had never forgotten.

“I know, Blue… I- I can’t be sorry enough.” Dean talks against Cas’ top of the head.

“Freckles,” Cas kisses Dean’s shoulder, just a quick reassuring press of the lips, “It’s been 30 years and we’ve made it. Every bump on the road helped us shape who we are now.”

Dean hums his agreement and cradles Cas’ face bringing him up to kiss his lips. “Did I ever tell you what happened in those 42 hours?”

Castiel watches Dean’s face with reverence, so beautiful, so passionate, so  _ his _ . It’s been years since they had this conversation and Castiel feels it’s now going somewhere it never went before. It feels like mapping their relationship, as if it was some ancient history in a book they study to help the new world to avoid making the same mistakes all over again.

“Tell me again.”

 

* * *

 

 

1985 - Iowa City - Three days before New Year. Winchester’s home.

 

Sam kept his promise and brought Dean a PB&J and a Coke, he had to force his brother to eat the whole sandwich and half of the beverage, Dean complained a little but even with the shitty day and all the crap that life threw over his head, he knew that he’d need this food to be able to sleep without his empty stomach waking him up at 3 in the morning.

Turns out Dean felt even worse after he had finished eating; Sam had left after he had made him get into bed and tugged the sheets holding him lying back.

Once Sammy’s gone, Dean’s mind starts to go through every detail of today’s events and he wants to die. Of all the things that could have gone wrong, of all the people they could have come across with, it had to be Jo. He loves Jo as a sister, her mother’s been friends with Mary Winchester for years, and now they’re their extended family. She grew up with them and they’ve been always very close, the reason why she reacted like that escapes Dean’s mind. He doesn’t care people knowing about him and Cas, well, not per se, but the fact that his parents and friends might disapprove his life choice makes him panic. Dean can’t cope with this rock being thrown against his family’s window, as thin as it might be; he’s been working so hard to get John’s trust that the simple idea of him being disappointed in him clutches his heart.

He cries himself to sleep but it’s not a short process. Dean remembers Cas’ blue eyes as he said he’d need time and he cries on his bed until he’d hiccup. He would close his eyes and try and sleep, but his mind would remind him of Cas’ broken voice as he asked him not to leave, and so he’d start crying again. Dean finally managed to fall asleep around two but it’s not an easy sleep. His mind, free of his own effort to shut it, is free to go through his after-date over and over again. Dean tosses in bed, crying and mumbling Cas’ name, reaching out his hand as his boyfriend’s image in his head reluctantly drags his feet away from the Impala. In his dream sometimes he catches Cas’ shoulder before he could go too far from him. In his dreams sometimes he makes a silly excuse and kisses Cas with all he’s got. In his dreams he mans up and fights for Cas. In his dreams sometimes everything goes alright.

That’s why waking up is such a bitch. In the dim light of the morning, he’d open his eyes feeling the tranquility of a problem solved and the happiness at reach, but it takes just a couple of seconds, the time he needs for his eyes to feel sore from all the crying, to his heart feel empty and despair again.

Dean gets up and takes a quick shower and gets the breakfast going for his family. His eyes are swollen and he’s quite pale but he tries to act as normal as possible.

Mary is the first to get in the kitchen followed right after by Sam who grunts a rough hello and sits, she gets instantly suspicious at Dean’s body language. Where Dean is usually perky in the mornings, today he’s silent and moody.

Mary kisses Sam on the top of his head and goes to do the same with Dean and that’s when she gets a close look at his eyes, all red and sad. She presses her lips to his forehead to check his temperature, “What’s wrong, baby, you feel okay?” a worried look draws in her face as she asks while making soothing circles on his back.

Dean shrugs, turning back to the burners and the bacon. He throws a little smile to his mom and blinks a little too slowly before answering, “I think I got something, mom. I didn’t sleep well.” he sniffs and it could be taken as the beginning of a cold.

Mary seems to buy it at face value but Sammy knows better. That’s why he whispers, “Good call, bro.” as Dean handles him his plate.

John left without breakfast and Mary had to leave soon after, so Dean and Sam find themselves alone for most of the rest of the day.

Sam volunteers to clean the kitchen after breakfast so Dean runs upstairs once again, and he remains there, lying on his stomach over the cover of his bed crying. This time his brain is split in two. While one half reminds him in a loop everything he said the day after Jo’s intrusion on his date, the other half keeps trying both to find excuses for his cowardice and to put together speeches to ask Cas for forgiveness.

Dean feels like going crazy. He can’t stop crying and his brain won’t shut up. He can’t sleep anymore so he settles to torture himself with whatever crap going on his melon. He hides his face on the pillow at the sound of the phone on the bedside table ringing and then at his door banged open, again Sam enters without expressed permission. “Dean, pick up the phone. It’s for you.”

Dean takes the pillow and hides underneath it, mumbled voice replying, “I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Sam picks up the phone next to the bed and shoves it under the pillow, “It’s Charlie, Dean. Take it.” he says as he goes sit by the window.

“Hi, Red.” Dean murmurs, his voice hoarse from all the crying.

“We need to talk, Winchester.” she says without hesitation, “My mom is dropping me in 5. I’m mad and you’ll listen to me. If you dare to avoid this conversation I’ll never speak to you again. Got it?”

“Red, don’t do this to me now. I’m… I’m not feeling well. Let’s talk at school.” Dean pleads.

“Talk to the freaking hand, Winchester. Mom’s calling me from the car. Stay there or else.” she hangs up without waiting for an answer.

Dean sits and hands the phone to Sam, who puts it back in its cradle on Dean’s bedside table.

Sam goes to lean against the window sill, not sure of what to say. He’s made his own share of threatening and he meant every one of them, but he also feels like crap because it’s obvious Dean’s suffering big time and he’s not sure what to do to comfort him, so he just stays there, keeping his brother’s company until fifteen minutes later Dean speaks again without lifting his gaze from his own knees. 

“I don’t want to have this conversation, Sammy”

“It’s too late now, I suppose.” Sam answers looking out of the window, watching Charlie get down from her mom’s car. “Charlie’s here”

Sam leaves Dean’s room and opens the door for Charlie. Tiptoeing, she kisses him on the cheek and runs upstairs entering Dean’s room without knocking. She’s clearly upset and on fighting mode but as soon as she sees Dean on the floor, looking up at her with red rimmed eyes her expression changes.

Charlie lets herself fall on the floor next to Dean and hugs him tight. “Hi, Dean.”

Dean hugs back, “Hi, Red.” he greets back against her shoulder.

“I’m so mad at you, so mad I’d punch you in the face if I didn’t love you so much.” he breaks the hug to look at her, sheepish, “I mean, I’m your fucking best friend and you never thought of telling me you were dating someone?” she shoves him on the shoulder, “I had to find out from Jo, that hurts. She’s telling everyone.” he groans and covers his face with his hands, “Everyone is mad at you, though not for the same reason.”

“You don’t care that I’m dating Castiel?”

“Why should I? Guy’s gorgeous, funny, and intelligent… and crazy. His wardrobe is cool, and don’t get me started on the eyeliner and that attitude of his.” she rolls her eyes and simulates to have the hots.

“Yeah, well, yes, he’s cool, but… he’s a guy.” Dean unnecessarily points out.

“And?  I’m in love with fucking Dorothy and unless I’m wrong she’s a chick. I’m not a hypocrite, Dean. You know me better.”

“Thanks, Red, you’re the best.”

“I know, but I’m still pissed because you didn’t tell me.”

“Don’t be. Jess, Sam and Cas’ family are the only ones who knew.” Dean tells her.

Charlie straightens a bit on her spot on the floor, scandalized, “You told  _ Jess _ ?”

“Well, I didn’t  _ tell  _ her. She sort of was there when we kissed.” Dean shrugs.

“God, you’re a horrible friend…” she softens her expression and leans her head on his shoulder; “You’re lucky I love you, otherwise…” she trails off.

“Yeah, I love you too, Red. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” he apologizes.

“That’s alright. So, when are you seeing him again?” she wants to gossip, she deserves to know.

“Uhm about that…” it’s Dean’s time to trail off, a bit embarrassed by the news he’s got to break.

“No! I know that look… don’t tell me you broke up with him!” Charlie covers her mouth with one hand, using the other to punch Dean on the chest.

“No… not really but…”

“But what? Tell me!”

“I’m confused, Red; I don’t know what to do.”

“What? What’s there to do?” she asks, confused.

Dean gets up and starts pacing; Charlie also gets up from the floor to sit more comfortably on Dean’s bed.

“I love him, Red, but my life’s a mess. Jo and Benny are pissed at me and I’m pretty sure that Lisa, Ash and Kevin will be mad at me too. And what if Ellen tells my mom or my dad? Jesus, I can’t even...” he leans back on his dresser, nervously licking his lips and scratching his neck.

“Oh, c’mon Dean-o. Jo’s hurt because you’re like her big brother, she won’t tell her mom, but if she does, you’ll handle it…  _ we’ll  _ handle it when the time comes, why to worry beforehand?” she continues counting with her fingers, “Benny’s from a very religious family and I can’t talk for Lisa but I’m sure Ash and Kevin won’t give a flying fuck who you’re fucking or…” she stops cold at Dean’s horror face.

“Well, about that…” he trails off again. She watches him meaningfully, waiting for him to be ready to tell whatever he needs to say, “We’re not… fucking, yet.”

“Wait what? Why not?”

“He wants… he’s just backing up a lot and he’s being considerate about it, because I’m not ready in the slightest.”

“Dude, tell me you’ve at least blown the guy,” She leans forward expectant; Dean just goes red and looks at his feet. “Oh poor bastard, Winchester, he must really like you!”

“I’m scared, Red. What if I don’t like it? Or what if…” he’s cut off.

“And what if the cow flies or if we wake up to find the roaches rule the Earth… He makes you horny and you said you love him. I’d advise you to cut the crap, and enjoy it. You’re gonna love it.”

“I guess but I’m not ready…” he trails off but at his friend’s incredulous he rapidly adds, “look we kissed and stuff but…”

“Well, I really hope you gave him something else too, or his nuts will burst…”

“Red!” Dean chastises her, scandalized.

“What? You know I’m right…” she laughs.

“I did give him stuff… I’m not a monster...!”

“Good… now tell me, what’s like to kiss a dude?” she practically drools.

“Geez, you and Sam, I swear…” he trails off.

“What?”

“He asked me the same thing, that’s all.” Dean rolls his eyes.

“Good for him, now spill!” she urges.

“There’s no difference, Red. Lips are lips; I do miss boobs sometimes but…”

“Yeah, boobs are great,” she agrees, dreamy, “but c’mon, Winchester, throw me a bone here!”

Dean seems ponder for a few seconds and then, rolling his eyes to himself, he conspiratorially tells her, “He’s got a killer body, Red. I mean, his abs! Those abs are to die for and…” he stops, uncertain.

“Oh, if you stop now I’ll kill you… speak!” Charlie threatens him. She watches him, amused, as Dean fidgets nervously.

“He has the most beautiful…” he purposely stares at his shoes, “CockInTheWholeFuckingWorld and I… ILoveTouchingHim.” he finally manages to rush out before losing whatever confidence he’s got left.

“Jesus, TMI, dude!” she complains covering her ears for effect, making Dean relax and laugh a little.

“Well, you asked for it, Red.” Dean playfully kicks her cup knees.

“Fair enough,” she giggles, “When… and mind it’s not a matter of IF but of When. When I fuck Dorothy I’ll tell you all the dirty details.”

“Oh, God, please don’t.” Dean pleads, mortified.

Charlie laughs wholeheartedly, pleased with a punishment well delivered. They talk their asses off, Charlie is invited by Mary to stay for dinner and she happily accepts. Her dad comes for her around 11PM and the Winchester brothers say their goodbyes at the front door.

Once back inside Sam starts buggering his brother urging him to call Castiel but Dean brushes it off declaring it’s too late, anyway, so he’ll do it in the morning. Plus he’s tired as hell, and it’s his turn to do the dishes, and he’s got homework to do and, and… and that’s all bullshit. He can’t conceive to say everything he’s gotta say over the phone. He’s gotta see him.

 

* * *

 

 

Los Angeles -  Present time.

 

“And while you were telling Charlie all about my beautiful cock I was crying the Mississippi waiting for your call with everyone at home worried about me, Gabe threatening to delete every single freckle from your face.” Cas remembers without malice.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean whispers against Castiel’s hairline, kissing his temple.

“Yeah, yeah” Castiel shrugs him off, dismissively, “You’ve said that a million times over the years and yet back then I was crying because you’d broken up with me.”

“Hey!” Dean protests, “I didn’t break up with you!... not that time at least.” he then adds sheepishly, “Will you ever forgive me?”

Castiel turns on the pillow of Dean’s arm to look at him in the eyes, “Oh, Freckles, I forgave you like five seconds after you entered my house, but, you see, I’ve never been able to forget.”

Dean sighs, “Bad partner.” but brushes his thumb through his man’s chin.

 

* * *

 

 

1985 - Iowa City -  Three days before New Year. Novak’s Home.

 

Castiel enters home, throws his backpack by the door and unceremoniously crumbles into a ball in the middle of the living room couch. Then he cries. He cries uncontrollably enough to miss his brothers entering the room from the kitchen. Lucifer is the first to get to his side and tries to coax him to talk with no success. It’s not that he wants to keep it a secret; it’s that he just can’t. Voice it makes the sting cut deeper. Lucifer looks quizzically at Gabriel, who’s standing at the kitchen door with a killing look on the face.

“He went on a date with Winchester,” Gabriel informs him, punching the wall he murmurs, “I’m gonna kill Dean.” and takes a couple of resolute steps towards the front door.

“No!” crying even harder than before, Cas screams at the top of his lungs, getting up to cut his brother’s way.

Richard comes into the room early enough to witness the last part of the interaction. He runs to Cas and takes him by the shoulders.

“Cassie, son, calm down,” Richard wipes the wells of tears from Cas’ face and starts giving instructions to the men in the room, all the family already surrounding them, “Luci, bring your brother a glass of cold water… with ice cubes. Baz, go to the liquor cabinet and bring me half an inch of any liquor. A sweet one. Gabe, bring a blanket and some pillows. Rob, hun, help me get him to the couch.”

Baz and Luci return with the drinks, and leave them on the coffee table next to Richard, Rob continues to caress his son’s hair, trying to bring comfort and help him relax. The parents share a concern look, but voicing none of their doubts and worries.

“C’mon Cassie, stop crying, son.” he takes the liquor and helps him up to drink, “baby open your mouth, you have to drink this, it’s gonna warm you, you’re too cold.” Castiel does as his dad tells him, making a face as the liquor slightly burns his throat. He suddenly sits up and grabs his arms around his dad’s neck.

Richard hugs him back just as tight and mouths Rob to hand him the blanket. His partner covers Cas’ back with it and lets Rob to rock him in his arms, even though he wants to also hug his son and take all his worries away.

Castiel’s brother are dismissed with a look from Rob’s eyes, and they reluctantly leave the room but remain close enough to the kitchen door to be able to listen anyway. After a few minutes, when the hard crying had subsided, leaving Castiel all hiccups and red eyes.

“Now, Cassie, can you talk?” Cas nods at Rob’s question, “Tell us, what happened?”

Castiel takes a deep breath, as deep as the hiccup lets him and tries to talk.

“We… movie… friends found… and and and… shout… he… no dinner… mad… gone…” he did try to talk but unconnected words and arms flapping to show how bad it had been, is all he manages.

“Okay, let’s see if I understand,” Rob checks, “You went to the movies and something happened with some friends, someone got mad at something and there were shouting involved. You skipped dinner and Dean got mad and left?” Rob shrugs at the incredulous look on his partner’s face at his interpretation.

“No-no-no… friends his… found out and Jo… shouted,” he gulps trying not to start crying again, “fag… she… mad and Dean… think… got mad… gone home.”

“The bastard ditch him after some friends shouted at them and called him a fag,” Gabriel shouts from the kitchen door gaining a glare from his fathers, “don’t look at me like that! Dean used his ‘I need to think’ card,” he mocks, “I’ll kill him.” Gabriel tells them already grabbing his coat to leave and make his threat a reality.

“No!” Cas shouts again, “Dad, don’t let him! He… Jo… stop please!” Castiel starts crying again.

“Gabriel, stop right there!” Richard calls out his son, “Cassie, baby, what happened then? Small sentences…” he instructs him, holding the liquor for him to drink a bit more.

“Jo… Jo found out… Benny, too. She… she shouted at him... she called him a fag… called me a fag turner… so he he he shouted and… we skipped dinner.” Cas drinks the last of the liquor, letting it slide some warm into him, “He said I love you but… I need to think so… he said I’m sorry and that…” he gulps down a sob, “he said that love is not always enough… he hugged me and left” he recounts a bit more relaxed as if nothing can be done and this is it, this is the end for them,” and now he’s gonna break up with me… and I don’t know how to go on with my life.”

“Oh Cassie, I’m sorry it all went like that,” Robert says, sitting next to his son, leaving him in the middle of his two fathers, “and yet I don’t think he’ll do that”

“I’ll kill him” Gabriel states once again, only stopped from stomping out by the glare in his dad’s face. Crossed arms and eyebrows furrowed he waits by the door.

“Address now, Gabe.” Lucifer commands, already grabbing his own coat and joining Gabriel by the door.

Richard glares at them and, for a father that’s shorter than his children, he can definitely command respect from them. “Close that door right now. Nobody’s gonna kill Dean because he’s still your brother’s boyfriend. So instead of acting like a pair of monkeys, do something useful and make tea for everyone.”

Luci and Gabe nod and disappear behind the kitchen door. Rob makes Cas drink the cold water and, laying him down, starts rubbing his feet and soothing him with words.

“Cassie, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. You have calm down. Let’s say we wait till tomorrow for his call, okay?” and then, “We’ll give him 48hs before doing something STUPID!” he speaks up a little for the two nutheads in the kitchen to hear

Gabriel’s voice rises from the kitchen, loud enough to be heard over the whistling kettle, “Okay, but if he hasn’t call by 6.45, I’ll be at his front door.”

“I’ll be right behind him.” Lucifer states, leaving the tray with the tea set on the coffee table and sitting on the floor to start serving.

“You won’t hurt him. I won’t talk to you again if you do hurt him, you hear?” Cas breaks in sobs again.

“Cassie, you need to understand. We can’t stay behind and do nothing. We will at least talk to him.” Baz intervenes.

“Nothing more than shouting is allowed, you’ve got it?”

“Okay, Cassie, I’ll tame them. Now easy, kiddo. Take your tea and let us cheer you up.” Baz ruffles his brother’s hair and hands his parents their tea cups.

Castiel is held by his parents for another two hours. Silent tears and aching body finally giving up and falling on a troubled sleep in his dad’s arms.

He wakes up in his own bed around three in the morning, confusion of the waking moment when the sweet dream melts into reality. For a second he’s happy, for a second he’s whole. Then the memories hit him and he feels his eyes, sore from crying, beginning to well again. Yesterday’s events fast forward in his mind and there’s the familiar sting in the back of his eyes and he fights the already forming lump in his throat. Dean’s gonna break up with him. He’s gonna lose the love of his life and he just knows without a hint of doubt that his life is gonna end. And he’s alright with it, for there is no life without Dean, how could there be when Dean’s become his whole world.

He can’t fight the tears anymore, so he falls asleep crying and his dreams are full of green downcast eyes, blinking and moving away from him. He wakes up several times that night, sometimes he wakes up to a nightmare on his own, memories too sad for him to dare to remember, some other times during the night he’s woken up by his brothers. He always finds his pillow wet by tears; he barely makes up Gabriel’s and Lucifer’s whisper plotting to kill Dean and Balthazar carding his hair until he manages to fall asleep again.

His Dads let him sleep up till noon and he should be rested because, seriously, he’s slept over twelve hours and yet he’s ever more tired than the day before. His eyes are swollen, his throat sore from trying to back up the sobs, and the hole in his chest… bigger than he can handle.

He gets up and doesn’t even bother to shower or dress, he tries to call Dean but every time he begins to dial, one of his brothers stops him.

Gabe and Luci corner him by the second floor phone advising him to wait until Dean calls him, the bastard they call him, earning a glare from Cas that needs no clarification.

“Seriously, kiddo, you shouldn’t be so needy. Let  _ him  _ call you.” Luci refrains himself from calling the bastard… well, a bastard.

Baz gives him a reprimanding look but agrees on the advice, gently saying, “He needs to call you, Cassie.”

Rich, having overheard from his room, intercedes, “You need to let him overcome his own fears, son. He’ll call you.”

Rob joins the group in the corridor, “He asked you for time to think. Give him time. Now, let’s go downstairs and eat.”

Rich watches Castiel play with the food on his plate but doesn’t have the heart to call him on it, he gives his husband a meaningful look and they both engage in a conversation about the nothing itself while their older children do their best to distract Castiel with jokes and teasing each other. Castiel smiles but his heart is not in it. His heart is trapped in a constellation of freckles that was his true home up to a few hours prior. He’s hurt to the point of despair, at a point he hates his family from keeping him from calling Dean but when the cloud that shuts his vision of reality is finally blown away, he understands. And yet when their brothers try to take him ice skating, as their yearly tradition dictates, he refuses. He tells them it’s because he’s not in the mood, but it’s just because he can’t stand the thought of being out of phone reach in case Dean finally calls. But he never does and Castiel faces a new night of tears and nightmares.+

 

* * *

 

 

1985 - Iowa City - Two days before new year. Winchester house.

 

Mary almost drops the waffle iron when the kitchen door opens at 8AM and Dean kisses her cheek good morning. He’s never this early riser, but today Dean has an agenda: breakfast, and ask for forgiveness, on his knees if he has to. At this point he can only hope Castiel’s love for him is strong enough to grant him forgiveness.

“You’re feeling better, Dean?” Mary asks ruffling his hair after serving him his breakfast and sitting opposite to him.

“Yes, mom. I had enough sleep last night.”

“Good,” she acknowledges, “so, got any plans today?” Mary finally asks while distractedly sipping her coffee.

Dean’s chewing a piece of bacon so he’s got an excuse to give his answer a good measure of thinking. Should he lie and say he’s gonna hang out with friends -plural, no gender specific-? Should he tell her he’s gonna study with Jo? Should he tell the truth? Not about his feelings for Castiel, but just… just tell her he’s gonna go talk to him and maybe study a bit. Dean thinks she’d buy that, he’d give his right arm to tell her the truth, to ask her for advice, for comfort but he’s scared, not scared of her reaction but John’s. Dean just knows his parents enough to know they won’t keep a secret from each other and Dean’s not ready for a confrontation with his Dad.

“I think I’ll go to Cas’ after breakfast.” he decides to go for a half truth, it’s better than lying, right?

Mary rises her eyebrows in surprise, “Uh, okay, that’s good. I like him, he makes you study.” she approves.

“Yes, mom,” Dean hopes his face doesn’t give away the way his heart accelerates.

He finishes his breakfast in record time and goes to shower while Mary starts breakfast for Sam and John that are coming back from the local newspaper where they like to pick up their morning paper instead of having a daily delivery, John likes to spend some time with Sam since his relationship with his younger son is always kind of tough.

Dean showers and dresses thinking nonstop of how to apologize to Castiel, his fear of losing him for good is overpowering. He can’t think of driving and waiting outside the house, not with his mind on a self-deprecating trip of his own, he’s positive he’s gonna find himself smashed against the windshield when he fails to see the red light because he just can’t stop thinking and fantasizing about all and every possible scenario. Like right now, for instance, he suddenly finds himself standing still at his bedroom open door, apparently ready to leave. At first it feels like facing a regular blank page, but then he finds Sam watching at him with a worried look in his eyes and he just knows he’s been there present but absent at the same time for a long while.

That’s why, when he sits behind the steering wheel, Sam jumps in shotgun. Dean glares at him questioningly not really wanting to babysit his brother today or rather be babysat himself.

Only Sam won’t take any shit so he just glares back and asks, “What’s with the face and the zoning out, Jerk?”

Dean ponders for a few seconds whether to answer honestly or just take the chicken exit, just like with his mom. “What if i messed things up?” he finally lets out, deciding his brother’s the only one who could help him, “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again?” Sam’s the only one who’d be brutally honest.

“He’ll listen to you at least, Dean.” Sam speaks clearly and slowly, realizing Dean’s almost out of himself with worry, “You go and ask for forgiveness. You beg and crawl until he takes you back. Then you beg a little more.” he opens the car door and gives Dean a menacing look before getting out, “You go now. Don’t make him wait any longer.”

Dean sighs and nods, thanking him with his eyes but saying “Get the hell out of my car already, Bitch” instead.

 

* * *

 

 

1985 -  Iowa City - Two days before New Year. Novak house.

 

There’s one thing the Novak home has never been. A quiet house. So the mornings are loud, his brothers fighting over silly stuff just for the sake of annoy each other but Castiel feels like crap, he hates his family for being so noisy but he also thanks them silently for waking him up so he can shower, he’s never been without showering for over three days before. He takes a look at himself in the mirror and doesn’t recognize that face that looks back at him, red eyes, dark rings under them, and hair that would make Einstein proud. For once he doesn’t care what he looks like, he’s got a goal and that’s all that matters. He’ll wait for Dean to call… at least until noon. He needs answers, he needs at least closure, a reason for the way things ended and if by noon he hasn’t called, Castiel will sneak out and go see him. If Dean really wants to break up with him, he better have the balls to say it to his face. So by the time Robert comes to order him join them for breakfast, Castiel is already dressed in his darkest clothes and makeup. He joins his family at the breakfast table with a fake tiny smile and eats little, careful not to raise any suspicion.

“Morning, son. I’m glad you’re up today.” Richard greets his younger son with a pat on his back and sits next to his husband at the head of the table.

“Morning Dad.” he drinks his cocoa, the same pappa Robert makes him when he’s feeling sick, “I’ll talk to him today after lunch.” he says when it becomes clear everyone is waiting for him to talk, caution be damned. “I need to hear him say the words.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Richard declares and Robert nods his agreement. None of his siblings say a word.

The Novak men make a conscious effort to keep the table conversation alive, giving Castiel little time to retreat to  _ The Dean  _ in his mind. He’s trying to participate in teasing Gabriel, amused as usual when Kali takes the reigns in the task. He forces himself to take a bite of his toast when the doorbell rings and the whole breakfast table go silent. If Castiel’s happiness was not in jeopardy, it’d be funny. The siblings and sister in law were laughing at Gabe, the parents smiling wide but keeping an eye on Castiel.

It takes a couple of seconds for them to react. Balthazar is the fastest of them all so he’s the first at the door. He straightens his shoulders, lifts his chin and opens the door with a serious demeanor.

“You must be Winchester.” he guesses, his face giving nothing away. His appearance reminds Dean of Addams Family’s Larch, minus the funeral clothing.

“Yes, I am. You must be one of his brothers.” Dean replies not trying to invite himself in, since it’s very clear this guy’s not gonna unblock the door.

“I’m Balthazar.” he confirms.

“Hello, Balthazar.” Dean extends his hand to shake, “I’m Dean Winchester and I’m here to talk to Castiel.”

Balthazar finally shakes his hand, in a rush as if only out of good manners, but he steps aside allowing Dean to enter, “Come on in. You’re lucky I managed to answer the door, my other brothers wouldn’t be so polite.” he tilts his head to the right to indicate the way, “He’s in the kitchen.”

Dean started to walk towards the pointed direction but Castiel’s already entering the living room, driven by the unbearable necessity to check if that voice was really Dean’s or if it was his mind playing tricks on him.

They stare at each other for a long moment, tension and relief in equal parts floating between them as an invisible thread linking them together.

“Hi, Blue”

“Hello, Dean.”

Castiel voice sounds politely cold, and Dean’s heart drops. He knew there was a chance Castiel would not want him back but he never really believed it. Now he’s facing the ugly truth; Cas, his Blue, might not forgive him.

“I’ll let you two talk.” Balthazar finally breaks the awkward silence, he nods at Dean with a warning look and then winks at his baby brother, “If you need anything, just call us, Cassie. I mean  _ anything _ , okay?

Castiel’s features soften a little when he turns his eyes towards his brother, “I will, Baz.”

Dean waits, stiff posture and square shoulders standing in the same spot in front of the closed door, until the kitchen revolving door stops its swinging. He starts to slowly approach Castiel like testing the waters. He stops two steps from him and holds out a hand to cup his cheek. The unfazed look in Cas’ eyes stops him cold.

“What d’you need, Dean?” Castiel asks in a controlled voice. He’s proud of the way he manages to hide his nervousness, nobody could have guessed that two minutes ago he was desperate to call Dean.

“I’m sorry.” Dean answers in a low embarrassed tone.

“What for, Winchester? Ditching me? Breaking up with me? For all the tears you’ve cost me? For not calling as you’ve promised? For two days hiding your head up your ass? You’ll have to narrow it down, you see…” the control Castiel was managing to hold breaks and his soft cold voice started to rise up to a shouting level.

Dean shrinks two sizes, he had expected Castiel to fight him a little and then forgive him without reservations. This mad Castiel was a surprise, and not a pleasant one. But how could he blame him? Dean had hurt him; he’ll have to make it up to him. Big time.

“I’m sorry.” he barely breathes out. “I never broke up with you”

“Yeah, well, maybe you didn’t mean to but after two days of radio silence it was hard not to think you had.” Castiel reasons, his voice more leveled after the earlier outburst. “So you needed time, well, hell, time’s up. Now talk.” he orders, sitting on the single couch and pointing at the three bodies couch for Dean to sit as well.

“I’m sorry, Blue, I freaked out.” Dean whispers not sitting but kneeling in front of him.

“You… you freaked out because a stupid girl and a homophobic prick said nasty things in public? It took only that for you to run away? Trust me, Dean, we’ll have to deal with worst things and people. I’ve done it already… If you can’t deal with those two idiots it’s better that you go… go and never come back because I will never date a coward.” Castiel stands up, as if ready to open the front door inviting Dean to leave.

Dean rises but won’t move from his side. “I’m sorry, Blue,” he repeats as a mantra, “I don’t wanna lose you.”

“Well,” Castiel’s resolution falters for a moment, “maybe you already have” he sighs pinching his nose fighting the massive headache that threatens to rise, “I could deal with your fears, I could even understand your inability to it take naturally and give a fuck about the world being against us, but this? This I can’t. I can’t handle you leaving me at the first sign of problem. I rather you break up with me than fear you leaving me at the very first stupid issue.”

Dean takes one more step ahead and holds his boyfriend’s hands in his, “I don’t wanna break up with you” he says once again, more firmly this time, no hint of doubt in his tone or his eyes.

Castiel looks at their hands intertwined, the warmth of their joint skins burning with the finality of a seal, “You’re gonna handle the world, Dean? You’re gonna fight for us? Even against your parents and friends?” he closes his fingers around Dean’s hands, locking them together, “Even if it’s just the two of us against the world? Are you prepared to lose everything for me?”

“I love you.” it’s the quick answer.

“Sometimes love is not enough” Cas sadly states, shivering, wanting to kiss and hold Dean and unable to handle more nights of uncertainty.

Cas mirrors the broken smile in Dean’s lips when he says, “Using my words against me, uh?” he leans in to rest his forehead against Castiel’s, “Blue, I can’t promise I won’t freak out again. I can’t promise there’s not gonna be any more arguments between us but I can promise I will try with all I have. I want you, I need you and  _ even _ **_if the sun stops waking up over the fields, I will not leave, I will not leave, and I will not leave ‘til it’s our time. So just take my hand, you know I will never leave your side_ ** **.”**

Castiel fidgets, wanting to give in but still too hurt and scared, “I don’t know, Dean”

“You’re the love of my life, you know that I’ll never leave your side.” he hums, “Please, Blue… please please please, I’m sorry.” Dean holds Cas’ face in his hands, “I love you, and you’re the love of my life. Don’t leave me.” he finishes with a broken voice.

Castiel’s face is traced by tears, “I hate you, Freckles.” Castiel leans on Dean’s hand, “I hate you”

Dean leans in and kisses Cas, soft and tender, “I love you too, Blue,” he says between kisses, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” it’s the litany bleeding from Dean’s guilty heart, “Please say you forgive me, please please…” Dean’s words barely understandable in the rain of kisses.

“I do, Freckles, I do.” their tears mixing between their cheeks as they deepen the kiss for a moment, “I love you, Freckles; I’ll punch you if you ever leave me again. That’s if my brothers don’t kill you first.” he hugs Dean tight and hides his face against his crook of the neck. Dean can feel a tiny smile when he says, “You need to apologize to them and my dads, by the way.”

“I do, uh?” Dean says aiming for amused but even  _ macho Dean _ must admit he feels a bit intimidated but yeah, he knows he deserves it, “I will… later… I missed you so much” he hugs Cas back just as tight, “I got some news, though. Come on, let’s sit.”

Dean sits and Cas lies down with his head over Dean’s lap, Dean can’t fight the temptation to card his fingers through that silky unruly hair of his, “Red came to my house yesterday… she said Jo and Benny told everyone.” he pauses as he feels Castiel stiffen, “It’s okay, I still don’t know if Jo told Ellen. Red came home mad at me, accusing me of not trusting her.”

“Is she mad at you?” Castiel asks, knowing full well how important Charlie’s opinion is to Dean.

“Not about us, she was mad because I didn’t tell her. Red said she’d be a hypocrite if she wouldn’t support us.”

“Hypocrite?” Castiel interrupted him.

“Yeah, she’s into girls, didn’t I tell you that? Anyway, she’s happy for us.” he softly caresses Cas’ cheek with the back of his hand, “She said to tell you  _ hi  _ and that she wants to know you better.”  

“Oh, well, I like her.”

“She’s awesome.” Dean agrees, “Sam also smacked me in the head. He said I was being stupid and a coward.”

“Smart kid.” Castiel deadpans.

“Hey!” Dean protests.

“Oh, but he is, Freckles!” Castiel laughs, more relaxed now, “Now kiss me quickly, I’m hearing my family breathing behind the kitchen door.” he muses loud enough for his family to hear.

There’s a quick and soft kiss that tastes of not enough, and when they break it, Dean chokes on a gulp of air when he sees the Novaks in two lines, the one in front composed by the parents. Dean and Cas sit next to each other on the couch, hands holding for purchase.

“Good morning, Dean.” Richard gives him a polite nervous smile.

“Hello, Richard, Robert. I… I actually needed to talk to you.”

“You bet.” Gabriel snaps from the back.

“He talks sweet things in your ear and you forget all the tears and nightmares, little bro?” Lucifer ads, oblivious of his parents glaring at him, “I thought you were cleverer than that…”

“Dean,” Castiel sighs, “This is my brother Lucifer. Luci, mind your fucking business.”

“ _ You _ are our business, Cassie!” Gabe interjects.

“Enough!” Robert admonishes his older kids, “You said you wanted to talk, Dean… we’re waiting.” he invites, polite but reserved.

Dean stands up without letting Cas’ hand go, “I need to apologize to you all.” he starts clearing his throat, knowing that whatever Castiel’s parents have to tell him, he deserves it, “I was stupid and coward. I… I didn’t mean to hurt Cas but I still did. I can’t promise it won’t happen again but you can be sure I’ll do my best to avoid it.”

“Your best is not enough, Winchester” Gabriel points out in a rather menacing tone.

“Stop it already, Gabe!” Richard orders, kind but firm, “It’s Cassie´s decision, not ours.” he turns to face Dean and Castiel, “Cassie seems to think you are worth the tears and he forgives you, that’s enough for us, all we want is his happiness.” Richard looks at his husband who nods. He turns on his hills and points his index to his older sons, “And you two… Dean is Cassie’s boyfriend and you will treat him with respect, just like we treat your girlfriends.”

Gabriel won’t back up, he’s pissed at Dean and plans to make him know that, so he nods at his dad but glares at Dean, “I used to like you, Winchester, now not so much.”

“I said stop!” Robert sneers.

“It’s okay, sir, he’s got a point. I love Cas and I hurt him, it’s only fair”

“Son,” Richard makes him sit back by putting a hand on his shoulder and takes seat next to Rob, “We know what we’re dealing with, Rob and I went through that twenty years ago. Family is the most important thing but if everyone turn their backs to you, you’ll find a safe place here. While you’re here these morons will behave around you, whether they like it or not.” he glares at Luci and Gabe.

“Fine.” the older Novak siblings answer at unison with a forced politeness.

“Good. So now, are you staying for lunch, Dean?” Robert asks.

“If Cas wants me to.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Great!” Richard stands up clapping his hands, “Family meeting is over.” he declares.

While the four older Novaks go into the kitchen, Castiel pulls Dean by the hand towards his bedroom. The second the door is closed, he pins Dean against it and he’s all over him, kissing him deep and punching him softly in the upper arm, playfully. “I missed you so much, stupid Winchester. I cried myself to sleep for two days, I tried hard to hate you,” he whispers punctuating every word with a kiss and shaking him a little, Dean lets him do “I really tried but I never could. I love you so much, Freckles, so much!” Castiel takes Dean’s shirt off and shoves him onto the bed, “I tried to take you off my head,” he whispers against Dean’s chest skin, hands roaming over his body, “I missed you.” he kisses Dean on the lips, hard and desperate, biting and licking, “I tried so hard.” Dean nods, words losing its meaning for him under the warmth of Castiel’s body and his sweet sweet lips driving him crazy, he takes Castiel’s shirt off and lets his trembling hands caress his boyfriend’s body. He drinks in the dizziness of the sight of this boy he almost lost, “Never again, Winchester, never again.” and Dean nods again.

“I promise, Blue. I’m sorry.” he says, letting Cas unbutton his jeans and look at him. He notices the look in his eyes that can’t be determined. Arousal, love and something else he can’t define. “Do it” he gives his permission and Cas doesn’t have to be told twice, he unzips Dean’s jeans and takes it down by the hem. He takes it all off and stands up, fingers on his own zipper waiting. “Please” Dean whispers.

“If I’d say I want to kiss you all over, would you allow me? I’m not expecting full sex; I would never take advantage of you. We’d regret it later. I just…” his breath heavier by the second, “I just want to kiss you all. So… would you let me?”

Dean seems to hesitate for a second. Castiel gives him time, standing still by the bedside, patient and excited. Dean thinks at light speed. He wants to go with this, he wants it all. He wants what Castiel is offering and more. But once it’s time to transfer the wants and needs to the realm of the here and now… some old commands creep up. Two seconds takes him to make the decision, old commands be damned. Dean sits up and reaches out to Cas, pulling him in onto himself, “Blue…”

Castiel’s smirk is beautiful, he goes down to his knees and taking Dean’s left leg he kisses his way to Dean’s navel, avoiding Dean’s crotch and doing it again up his right leg. He licks and bites, but he never loses eye contact, “You are so beautiful, Freckles.” he pauses drinking in Dean’s entranced expression, “You’re perfect and mine… please don’t leave me again.” he whispers against Dean’s chest, moving towards his nipples making Dean shiver, “So sensitive, I love ‘em.” Dean moans at Cas’ teeth barely scratching the surface, he moves up Dean’s static body, licking behind his ear and nibbling on his earlobe, “I love the way my kisses make you want me… need me…” Dean exhales a puff of air he was not aware he was holding, “See? There… I love all the sounds I pour out of you… Your hands, Dean… don’t rip the sheets, touch me please, I need to feel your hands on me, please.” he pleads with a trembling voice, gasping when Dean’s fingers touch his back, “Yeah, like that,” he sighs kissing and biting all the way to Dean’s lips, “I love your lips,” he licks them, “I bet they’ll feel amazing on my dick. Oh, Freckles I dream of that... I’m sure one day you’ll make a mess out of me.”

Dean won’t say a word, he’s saving every sensation, every goosebumps Castiel’s sweet fingers provoke. Instead, he smiles and sucks at Cas’ lower lip, while grabbing Castiel’s ass over the fabric of his boxers. Castiel bulks his hips forward and huffs a little laugh, “Look who’s getting bold…” he feels that pounding in Dean’s heart that speeds as he arches his back, “Don’t…” he manages to say, “don’t stop, Freckles. Be bold.” he stares at him when Dean moves one hand under the hem of Cas’ boxers and stops. “Dean, you don’t need permission, you can do whatever you want with me, and I mean it.” Dean worries his lip as his hand moves on to cup and squeeze his ass, rutting mindlessly. “Perfect, so… perfect,” Cas leans in to whisper in his ear.

Cas loves the way Dean’s warm hands feel on his ass but being able to kiss only his neck is not enough for him, he needs more. He relishes for the sounds his lips get from Dean, sounds of pleasure and despair for reaching the deadline. So he moves. He kisses Dean’s chest all the way to his navel, licks the short path towards the hem of his boxers and stops. Cas looks up, questioningly.

“Please.” is all Dean can say.

“I like eager you, Winchester.”

“Blue, now please, I need you.” he asks, transfixed with his hooded eyes flickering with desire.

“Ain’t new things amazing?” Cas says conversationally, he tugs Dean’s boxers out of the way and licks his lips as Dean’s dick twitches under his gentle touch. “You’re gorgeous.” he states with an awe expression, as if seeing Dean for the first time. Dean looks away. “Look at me, Freckles. I want you to look at me, look at my lips stretched around your cock.”

And Dean looks at him. Without breaking eye contact, Cas opens his mouth and takes all of Dean. Dean gasps, moans but keeps his eyes on Cas’. Castiel continues to eat him, licking and sucking until it’s too much and Dean has to close his eyes and cry in ecstasy, “Oh, God, Blue, please! I… Jesus, I won’t last… I… it feels so good…” he throws his head back and takes Cas’ hair… not gripping but just carding his fingers through. “Blue, I’m…” he trails off, unable to speak or breathe.

Castiel hums and the vibration transfers to his dick and that’s all, Dean is coming, releasing his seed in Cas’ mouth. Cas keeps his tongue active throughout Dean’s orgasm, swallowing as much as he can, just as he had promised days ago.

Dean’s panting, his vision blurred and his heart racing a post orgasm marathon. He takes Castiel by the shoulder and locking their lips with passion, Dean tastes himself on Castiel’s mouth and goes crazy, he switches positions and pins Cas to the mattress. The kiss eventually breaks for something silly like breathing and Dean’s dick twitches as he says, “Can I touch you too?”

“Oh, yes, please!” Dean takes Cas’ boxers out and a shadow of a doubt clouds his face for a split second. Cas sees it but far from getting upset he understands, “You don’t have to blow me, Freckles, just jack me off… that’ll be awesome too.”

Dean doesn’t answer right away, he buys time kissing around Cas’ navel and up his chest, “I want to, Blue, I just don’t know how, would you teach me?” he asks, taking Cas’ shaft in his hand and slowly moving it up and down.

Cas groans as he tilts his head back until it hits the pillow, “Whatever you do… it’ll be perfect. Just touch me… yeah like that. Please, make it good for me.” he closes his eyes, partly to give Dean time to decide and partly to prepare himself so not to come as soon as Dean’s tongue touches his dick.

Silence falls in the room as soon as Dean’s head lowers over Cas’ groin, not a sound but the brush of skin over skin. The moment Dean’s tip of the tongue touched Cas’ dick they’ve both stopped breathing. Castiel lets out a long gasp as Dean takes more of him in his warm mouth. The sensation was so overwhelming that he had to watch. He half lifts himself from the mattress and, hooded eyes, he marvels at the sight of Dean’s perfect lips closed around his shaft and he has to take a deep breath to stop himself from coming right then and there.

Dean’s focuses in Castiel’s pleasure but he also takes his time to play with the tongue around the dick as he takes as much as he can. He’s amazed he likes the little sour taste, so… Castiel. It’s not half as bad as he thought it would be, and he had given the subject a really good thought. Castiel moans and Dean smiles around the dick in his mouth. He bobs his head experimentally, repeating motions when he notices the boy underneath him twisting and cursing. It’s in no way a high quality blowjob but to Castiel it’s beyond the imperfections, it’s sloppy and inexperienced… it’s just perfect.

“Shit, Freckles, yeah, like that… again, Jesus, yes… fuck… per… fuck… fect…. More… I’m gonna...stop! I’m coming. Stop!” Dean hesitates but Cas grabs his hair pulling him off, “you ain’t ready… jack me, please… I need to…” Dean won’t argue, he just does as instructed and strokes him once, twice, three times. Castiel comes all over Dean’s hand with the force of relief. He can feel all the worries of the previous days drifting away, sure now that Dean is his and he is Dean’s.  He pants for air, laughs and tears of joy tickle the corner of his eyes. “God, Dean, that was… perfect…” he manages to say, blissed out.

When he finally opens his eyes, he chokes at the sight of Dean licking his hand with a mischievous look. Dean would have preferred Castiel coming in his mouth but since Cas had decided it was too much for his first time, he had to, well… try it second hand, so to speak. He likes it; the taste is bitter and metallic. He smirks and winks at an open mouthed Castiel, shocked. “Oh shit, don’t do things like that, Freckles,” Dean crooks an eyebrow, noticing Castiel’s dick twitching; “You want to kill me?”

Dean shrugs, “You seem to enjoy doing it to me and I wanted to know,” he crawls atop of Castiel, “You wouldn’t let me so…”

“Well, duh! You taste like heaven, Freckles, how on Earth would I not like it.” He pulls Dean up to him, cradling his face with both hands, guiding him towards a tender kiss, “Maybe next time, okay? You weren’t ready yet.” he turns them to get up from bed, “C’mon, let’s clean us, I want to cuddle you till lunch.”

“Can I put on my boxers? I don’t want anyone to walk on us and see me butt naked.” he states, managing to get a fair shade of pink on his cheeks, despite their earlier definitely non saint activities.

Castiel laughs, “No one will enter the room, Dean, and anyway let me assure you that they know what we were doing… you’re not exactly silent.”

“Oh my God!” Dean groans, his cheeks crimson now, “I will never be able to look at them in the eyes again” he complains.

“Oh don’t be such a baby, Freckles! They’ll mock us to oblivion but it was fucking worth it.” Cas hands Dean a towel and helps him to clean himself, “C’mon now, let’s cuddle. I want to be the big spoon today.”

“Fine.” Dean concedes, “But if you ever tell anyone, I’ll have to kill you.” he deadpans.

Castiel hugs Dean from behind, covers them with a fresh sheet and nuzzles on the crook of his neck a he whispers, “It’ll be our little secret.”

Los Angeles - Present Time

The ravishing waking up was as good as ever, best way to start the day, if anything. Lingering kisses, soothing touches… the usual sated expressions in their faces after a very satisfying sex. They’re lying on their backs side by side, but it doesn’t take too long for Dean to roll over to his right and lay his head on his hand.

“Remember our first fight?” he distractedly asks while playing with Cas’ curling hair on the back of his ear. He’s gonna have to convince him to get a haircut soon, since they’ve retired Castiel likes to keep his hair wild and unruly, but Dean likes it short, he loves the way it frames his gorgeous face.

Castiel flicks a dirty look at him before answering, “Which one? The first time we shouted at each other or perhaps the time you almost broke up with me because Jo and Benny saw us kissing, uh?” he turns to look up at the ceiling once more, but with a knowing smirk on his lips, the kind of expression that usually amuses Dean. Today, though…

“I never broke up with you, asshat.” Dean snarls at him in a playful tone.

Castiel sits as ejected by a spring and turns to him accusingly, “DEAN WINCHESTER, you liar! You may have decided not to pursue the break up at the end but I saw the resolution in your eyes at the time.” he holds his hand out to stop Dean from complaining and then he continues, “I understand it was too much for you and you wanted to run away from the consequences of coming out but it still hurt.” he softens his voice realizing how his words could be taken, “I’m glad you didn’t run away, well… at least not so far away.”

Dean cradles Cas’ face with one hand and rubs his thumb over the soft chick while worrying his lower lip, “I know I hurt you and I’ve never fully forgiven myself. It’s just that I was so scared about Jo’s threat that it was hard to get past that and, anyway… you’ve got Sam to thank for my coming out, sort of speak.”

Cas leans back on the bed, hands on the back of his neck, sighing deeply he states, “Yeah, well, Sam’s always been so mature for his age.” an evil grin appears in his lips as he teases, “I think I picked the wrong Winchester.”

Dean holds his belly as he laughs heartily “Right,” he moves to tickle Cas’ waist, “because you’d want to be stuck with the moose and his girly hair.”

Castiel battles Dean’s hands covering his belly area to prevent more tickles, as he tries to regain the ability to breathe, “Hey!” he admonishes, “I love Sam’s hair. I think you’re just jealous…” he teases a bit further.

Pouting, Dean shrugs one shoulder and complains, “Right, ‘cause I want to waste one hour every morning brushing it, pfff.”

Cas kisses Dean’s pout smiling against his lips, cards his fingers through Dean’s hair admiring the short sandy silkiness of it. “Don’t worry; I love your hair too. Sam’s hair is lovely but he lacks the constellations of freckles on his skin, I’ll stick to my choice.”

 

* * *

 

 

1985 – Iowa city - Four days before new year.

 

The ride home feels like watching a movie -a very bad and sad one- a well of tears running down his cheeks and, come to think of it, it was a miracle that he arrived home safe.

Dean parks the Impala on the driveway but lingers in the car, his mind running a hundred miles an hour thinking of how to avoid his parents while he runs upstairs with his red eyes and crappy general state.

He knew Sam, on the other hand, would be impossible to fool.

“I’ll be in my room, mom, I have to study.” he yells as he goes through the living room where his mom is reading and Sam’s watching TV. Kid brother observes suspiciously at big bro running upstairs, taking two steps at a time. He waits five minutes and excuses himself to go upstairs too.

Sam knocks on Dean’s room but enters without waiting for an answer, “Hey, Dean!”, he finds his brother sitting on the floor with his back against the bedside, his red face lowered to hide his eyes but he can’t fool his brother and Dean knows it. Even so, Sam may be too young but he’s good at reading his big brother, “How was the movie? I wanna watch it” he distractedly asks.

“It was good.” Dean says in a whisper, lifting his head a little when he feels Sammy sitting on the floor next to him.

“What happened, Dee?” Sam bumps Dean’s shoulder prompting him to talk.

The fact that the brothers were so close had nothing to do with luck, Dean had fallen in love with his baby brother the second he was brought home from the hospital by John and Mary. The little bun in Mary’s arms looked so tiny, so fragile and Dean was so proud of being a big brother that, at age four, he decided that taking care of him would be his job. So from then on and for many months, John or Mary would wake up late at night to feed baby Sam and would find Dean inside the crib, curling himself into a ball to protectively fit next to his brother. And every morning when he found himself on his own bed, after his parents had taken him back there without waking him up, he’d go first to check on Sammy and, satisfied to find him sleeping, he would follow his morning routine and allow his mom to dress him, feed him breakfast and John to take him to the kindergarten. Even when with the years he wouldn’t sleep next to Sam anymore, they would never be apart. They would prank each and have arguments other like any other set of brothers but never too seriously, never ending a day upset at each other.

So now, sitting on the floor with his eyes red, Dean flirts with the idea of deflecting, thinking of the benefits of a plain dirty lie. It only lasted a second because he knew he could never lie to his brother about something, about  _ someone  _ so important for him.

Dean sighs and hides his face in his palms, “We ran into Benny and Jo at the movies. You knew they’re dating?” he asks.

Sam chuckles, “No, but it doesn’t surprise me. Jo won’t stop talking about Benny, like  _ never _ .” he says amused. And it was true, he’d asked Jo several times if she was in love with Benny since the only topic of conversation with her would begin and end with his name. Seriously, if she wanted to keep it a secret, she was doing a shitty work.

“I know, and still it was a surprise to find them kissing and holding hands. The dude is kinda weird and Jo is so like us, never thought they would date.” Sam lets him talk, knowing full well Dean’s gonna spill when he’s ready. He doesn’t have to wait for too long, “Cas and I were talking on the back row, she saw us and shouted at me, she called me a fag and threatened Cas.” his voice breaks, all the hurt and fears from earlier making it to his nerves, again.

Sam feels bad for Dean, his first instinct is to call Jo right away and shout at her over the phone or even better go to the RoadHouse and demand her taking back everything she had said to his big brother. He settles for comforting his brother, “Sorry, Dean.”

“Tough shit, I think she’s gonna tell everyone I know. What if she tells Ellen and she goes to Mom or, shit, to Dad…” Dean’s breathing fastens and he begins to hyperventilate.

“Dean, dude, breathe! Look, Aunt Ellen is not gonna say a word. She loves you.” Sam soothes Dean’s back trying to make him calm but he knows it’s not easy.

“Maybe. But still, Jo is gonna tell the gang and no one’s gonna talk to me ever again.” the tears come back, taking the same path on his face as the ones he shed on the Impala.

“Dee, your friends won’t stop talking to you. They’ll probably get mad because you kept this from them. And if anyone does stop talking to you because you are dating Cas then they were not your friends at all and you’re far better without them. You see, Jess took it really well and so did Rhonda.”

“Dude, Rhonda broke up with me because of Cas.” Dean matter of factly points out.

“Duh. But not because you’re gay,” at the stern look on Dean’s face, he corrects himself, “okay, not because you’re  _ bi _ . She broke up with you because she deserves a boyfriend that likes her better. And you liked Cas better.”

“Right. She left me because I’m an insensible bastard.” Dean would punch himself on the face if he didn’t know his brother would stop him.

“Okay, enough with the self-loathing, dude.” Sam admonishes him, “You ate?”

“No, wasn’t in the mood. I left Cas after the movie.” the older Winchester informed.

Sam takes him by the shoulder to make Dean face him, “Did you break up with him?” he worriedly asks.

“Err… not exactly…” Dean trails off.

“But?” Sam pushes.

“Look, Sammy… I just panicked and didn’t know what to do.” Dean says looking away, embarrassed.

“Dean,” Sam huffs out, “I swear, if you broke up with Cas because of this I’ll never talk to you again.” he seriously tells his brother.

“Sammy…” Dean’s excuses are cut out by Sam standing abruptly and accusingly looking down at him.

“NO” he coldly says and Dean  _ has  _ to look up, “I’ve never seen you this kind of happy, Dee. You freaking bounce when you walk, dude! Seeing your eyes sparkle when you talk about him is something I’ve never seen before. I’ve seen you two together and you can’t stop touching each other, and I’m not even talking about the sex kind of touch… just the way you bring each other comfort” he kneels in front of Dean to look at him straight in the eyes, “Tell me, Dean -and please be honest with yourself- were you ever this happy? Have you ever been happy at all, Dean?”

Dean can’t hold Sam’s gaze, he looks at the floor and heartily answers, “Never.”

“Well,” Sam stands up again, his hands on jar over his hips, looks at the ceiling and sighs, “You’ve got your answer right there, Dean.  _ HE’S WORTH IT _ . So stop being a coward and to hell with the world.” they stay silent for a few minutes, Sam resolves to do something else to cheer Dean up, “Look, I’m gonna make you a PB&J and that’s the last thing I’ll do for you until I hear that you and Cas are good again. The rest… well, we’ll deal with the rest when the time comes.”

Sam leaves the room and as soon as the door closes Dean throws his head back against the mattress and starts crying again. He understands his brother’s intentions but Sam can’t understand how scared, how fucking terrified he’s of losing his friends, of their parents finding out and, most of all, of losing Cas.

 

* * *

 

 

Los Angeles - Present time

 

Their breathing is even, Dean hums contently at the feeling of his man’s hand distractedly carding through his hair. This is something he doesn’t seem to get enough of, the hands of the man he loves over him. Touching, caressing and massaging his whole body. Some mornings he’s the one administering the careful loving touches, ghosting over the soft skin making Cas shudder with pleasure, but it’s not a game of lust; it’s a way to show love and attention, another way to say  _ I love you _ . Other mornings, Dean just likes to lay there at Cas’ mercy; he only has to close his eyes and  _ feel _ .

They both know what the other likes, they know where to feather touch, where to press, where to kiss. It’s been years since they began exploring each other, memorizing the map of their skin, marking it and claiming it theirs.

Dean’s head is gone, focused on the sensation of Cas’ attention, shivering at the ghost touches of his Blue’s lips on the crook of his neck when the words Castiel whispers between kisses alters him.

“It took you 42 fucking hours to call me.” Cas joins Dean on the pillow with his nose and lips against Dean’s neck. “I cried for 35 hours and slept the rest. Gabriel wanted to kill you all the time. I mean, seriously, he even had dreams where he’d run over you with his car.”

Dean made an acknowledging noise, a sound without mirth. He had wanted to forget about all this for years after they’d finally managed to stay together but for some reason it seemed more of a betrayal to do so than the actual memory he was trying to ignore. So he had never forgotten.

“I know, Blue… I- I can’t be sorry enough.” Dean talks against Cas’ top of the head.

“Freckles,” Cas kisses Dean’s shoulder, just a quick reassuring press of the lips, “It’s been 30 years and we’ve made it. Every bump on the road helped us shape who we are now.”

Dean hums his agreement and cradles Cas’ face bringing him up to kiss his lips. “Did I ever tell you what happened in those 42 hours?”

Castiel watches Dean’s face with reverence, so beautiful, so passionate, so  _ his _ . It’s been years since they had this conversation and Castiel feels it’s now going somewhere it never went before. It feels like mapping their relationship, as if it was some ancient history in a book they study to help the new world to avoid making the same mistakes all over again.

“Tell me again.”

 

* * *

 

 

1985 - Iowa City - Three days before New Year. Winchester’s home.

 

Sam kept his promise and brought Dean a PB&J and a Coke, he had to force his brother to eat the whole sandwich and half of the beverage, Dean complained a little but even with the shitty day and all the crap that life threw over his head, he knew that he’d need this food to be able to sleep without his empty stomach waking him up at 3 in the morning.

Turns out Dean felt even worse after he had finished eating; Sam had left after he had made him get into bed and tugged the sheets holding him lying back.

Once Sammy’s gone, Dean’s mind starts to go through every detail of today’s events and he wants to die. Of all the things that could have gone wrong, of all the people they could have come across with, it had to be Jo. He loves Jo as a sister, her mother’s been friends with Mary Winchester for years, and now they’re their extended family. She grew up with them and they’ve been always very close, the reason why she reacted like that escapes Dean’s mind. He doesn’t care people knowing about him and Cas, well, not per se, but the fact that his parents and friends might disapprove his life choice makes him panic. Dean can’t cope with this rock being thrown against his family’s window, as thin as it might be; he’s been working so hard to get John’s trust that the simple idea of him being disappointed in him clutches his heart.

He cries himself to sleep but it’s not a short process. Dean remembers Cas’ blue eyes as he said he’d need time and he cries on his bed until he’d hiccup. He would close his eyes and try and sleep, but his mind would remind him of Cas’ broken voice as he asked him not to leave, and so he’d start crying again. Dean finally managed to fall asleep around two but it’s not an easy sleep. His mind, free of his own effort to shut it, is free to go through his after-date over and over again. Dean tosses in bed, crying and mumbling Cas’ name, reaching out his hand as his boyfriend’s image in his head reluctantly drags his feet away from the Impala. In his dream sometimes he catches Cas’ shoulder before he could go too far from him. In his dreams sometimes he makes a silly excuse and kisses Cas with all he’s got. In his dreams he mans up and fights for Cas. In his dreams sometimes everything goes alright.

That’s why waking up is such a bitch. In the dim light of the morning, he’d open his eyes feeling the tranquility of a problem solved and the happiness at reach, but it takes just a couple of seconds, the time he needs for his eyes to feel sore from all the crying, to his heart feel empty and despair again.

Dean gets up and takes a quick shower and gets the breakfast going for his family. His eyes are swollen and he’s quite pale but he tries to act as normal as possible.

Mary is the first to get in the kitchen followed right after by Sam who grunts a rough hello and sits, she gets instantly suspicious at Dean’s body language. Where Dean is usually perky in the mornings, today he’s silent and moody.

Mary kisses Sam on the top of his head and goes to do the same with Dean and that’s when she gets a close look at his eyes, all red and sad. She presses her lips to his forehead to check his temperature, “What’s wrong, baby, you feel okay?” a worried look draws in her face as she asks while making soothing circles on his back.

Dean shrugs, turning back to the burners and the bacon. He throws a little smile to his mom and blinks a little too slowly before answering, “I think I got something, mom. I didn’t sleep well.” he sniffs and it could be taken as the beginning of a cold.

Mary seems to buy it at face value but Sammy knows better. That’s why he whispers, “Good call, bro.” as Dean handles him his plate.

John left without breakfast and Mary had to leave soon after, so Dean and Sam find themselves alone for most of the rest of the day.

Sam volunteers to clean the kitchen after breakfast so Dean runs upstairs once again, and he remains there, lying on his stomach over the cover of his bed crying. This time his brain is split in two. While one half reminds him in a loop everything he said the day after Jo’s intrusion on his date, the other half keeps trying both to find excuses for his cowardice and to put together speeches to ask Cas for forgiveness.

Dean feels like going crazy. He can’t stop crying and his brain won’t shut up. He can’t sleep anymore so he settles to torture himself with whatever crap going on on his melon. He hides his face on the pillow at the sound of the phone on the bedside table ringing and then at his door banged open, again Sam enters without expressed permission. “Dean, pick up the phone. It’s for you.”

Dean takes the pillow and hides underneath it, mumbled voice replying, “I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Sam picks up the phone next to the bed and shoves it under the pillow, “It’s Charlie, Dean. Take it.” he says as he goes sit by the window.

“Hi, Red.” Dean murmurs, his voice hoarse from all the crying.

“We need to talk, Winchester.” she says without hesitation, “My mom is dropping me in 5. I’m mad and you’ll listen to me. If you dare to avoid this conversation I’ll never speak to you again. Got it?”

“Red, don’t do this to me now. I’m… I’m not feeling well. Let’s talk at school.” Dean pleads.

“Talk to the freaking hand, Winchester. Mom’s calling me from the car. Stay there or else.” she hangs up without waiting for an answer.

Dean sits and hands the phone to Sam, who puts it back in its cradle on Dean’s bedside table.

Sam goes to lean against the window sill, not sure of what to say. He’s made his own share of threatening and he meant every one of them, but he also feels like crap because it’s obvious Dean’s suffering big time and he’s not sure what to do to comfort him, so he just stays there, keeping his brother’s company until fifteen minutes later Dean speaks again without lifting his gaze from his own knees. 

“I don’t want to have this conversation, Sammy”

“It’s too late now, I suppose.” Sam answers looking out of the window, watching Charlie get down from her mom’s car. “Charlie’s here”

Sam leaves Dean’s room and opens the door for Charlie. Tiptoeing, she kisses him on the cheek and runs upstairs entering Dean’s room without knocking. She’s clearly upset and on fighting mode but as soon as she sees Dean on the floor, looking up at her with red rimmed eyes her expression changes.

Charlie lets herself fall on the floor next to Dean and hugs him tight. “Hi, Dean.”

Dean hugs back, “Hi, Red.” he greets back against her shoulder.

“I’m so mad at you, so mad I’d punch you in the face if I didn’t love you so much.” he breaks the hug to look at her, sheepish, “I mean, I’m your fucking best friend and you never thought of telling me you were dating someone?” she shoves him on the shoulder, “I had to find out from Jo, that hurts. She’s telling everyone.” he groans and covers his face with his hands, “Everyone is mad at you, though not for the same reason.”

“You don’t care that I’m dating Castiel?”

“Why should I? Guy’s gorgeous, funny, and intelligent… and crazy. His wardrobe is cool, and don’t get me started on the eyeliner and that attitude of his.” she rolls her eyes and simulates to have the hots.

“Yeah, well, yes, he’s cool, but… he’s a guy.” Dean unnecessarily points out.

“And?  I’m in love with fucking Dorothy and unless I’m wrong she’s a chick. I’m not a hypocrite, Dean. You know me better.”

“Thanks, Red, you’re the best.”

“I know, but I’m still pissed because you didn’t tell me.”

“Don’t be. Jess, Sam and Cas’ family are the only ones who knew.” Dean tells her.

Charlie straightens a bit on her spot on the floor, scandalized, “You told  _ Jess _ ?”

“Well, I didn’t  _ tell  _ her. She sort of was there when we kissed.” Dean shrugs.

“God, you’re a horrible friend…” she softens her expression and leans her head on his shoulder; “You’re lucky I love you, otherwise…” she trails off.

“Yeah, I love you too, Red. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” he apologizes.

“That’s alright. So, when are you seeing him again?” she wants to gossip, she deserves to know.

“Uhm about that…” it’s Dean’s time to trail off, a bit embarrassed by the news he’s got to break.

“No! I know that look… don’t tell me you broke up with him!” Charlie covers her mouth with one hand, using the other to punch Dean on the chest.

“No… not really but…”

“But what? Tell me!”

“I’m confused, Red, I don’t know what to do.”

“What? What’s there to do?” she asks, confused.

Dean gets up and starts pacing; Charlie also gets up from the floor to sit more comfortably on Dean’s bed.

“I love him, Red, but my life’s a mess. Jo and Benny are pissed at me and I’m pretty sure that Lisa, Ash and Kevin will be mad at me too. And what if Ellen tells my mom or my dad? Jesus, I can’t even...” he leans back on his dresser, nervously licking his lips and scratching his neck.

“Oh, c’mon Dean-o. Jo’s hurt because you’re like her big brother, she won’t tell her mom, but if she does, you’ll handle it…  _ we’ll  _ handle it when the time comes, why to worry beforehand?” she continues counting with her fingers, “Benny’s from a very religious family and I can’t talk for Lisa but I’m sure Ash and Kevin won’t give a flying fuck who you’re fucking or…” she stops cold at Dean’s horror face.

“Well, about that…” he trails off again. She watches him meaningfully, waiting for him to be ready to tell whatever he needs to say, “We’re not… fucking, yet.”

“Wait what? Why not?”

“He wants… he’s just backing up a lot and he’s being considerate about it, because I’m not ready in the slightest.”

“Dude, tell me you’ve at least blown the guy,” She leans forward expectant; Dean just goes red and looks at his feet. “Oh poor bastard, Winchester, he must really like you!”

“I’m scared, Red. What if I don’t like it? Or what if…” he’s cut off.

“And what if the cow flies or if we wake up to find the roaches rule the Earth… He makes you horny and you said you love him. I’d advise you to cut the crap, and enjoy it. You’re gonna love it.”

“I guess but I’m not ready…” he trails off but at his friend’s incredulous he rapidly adds, “look we kissed and stuff but…”

“Well, I really hope you gave him something else too, or his nuts will burst…”

“Red!” Dean chastises her, scandalized.

“What? You know I’m right…” she laughs.

“I did give him stuff… I’m not a monster...!”

“Good… now tell me, what’s like to kiss a dude?” she practically drools.

“Geez, you and Sam, I swear…” he trails off.

“What?”

“He asked me the same thing, that’s all.” Dean rolls his eyes.

“Good for him, now spill!” she urges.

“There’s no difference, Red. Lips are lips; I do miss boobs sometimes but…”

“Yeah, boobs are great,” she agrees, dreamy, “but c’mon, Winchester, throw me a bone here!”

Dean seems ponder for a few seconds and then, rolling his eyes to himself, he conspiratorially tells her, “He’s got a killer body, Red. I mean, his abs! Those abs are to die for and…” he stops, uncertain.

“Oh, if you stop now I’ll kill you… speak!” Charlie threatens him. She watches him, amused, as Dean fidgets nervously.

“He has the most beautiful…” he purposely stares at his shoes, “CockInTheWholeFuckingWorld and I… ILoveTouchingHim.” he finally manages to rush out before losing whatever confidence he’s got left.

“Jesus, TMI, dude!” she complains covering her ears for effect, making Dean relax and laugh a little.

“Well, you asked for it, Red.” Dean playfully kicks her cup knees.

“Fair enough,” she giggles, “When… and mind it’s not a matter of IF but of When. When I fuck Dorothy I’ll tell you all the dirty details.”

“Oh, God, please don’t.” Dean pleads, mortified.

Charlie laughs wholeheartedly, pleased with a punishment well delivered. They talk their asses off, Charlie is invited by Mary to stay for dinner and she happily accepts. Her dad comes for her around 11PM and the Winchester brothers say their goodbyes at the front door.

Once back inside Sam starts buggering his brother urging him to call Castiel but Dean brushes it off declaring it’s too late, anyway, so he’ll do it in the morning. Plus he’s tired as hell, and it’s his turn to do the dishes, and he’s got homework to do and, and… and that’s all bullshit. He can’t conceive to say everything he’s gotta say over the phone. He’s gotta see him.

Los Angeles -  Present time.

“And while you were telling Charlie all about my beautiful cock I was crying the Mississippi waiting for your call with everyone at home worried about me, Gabe threatening to delete every single freckle from your face.” Cas remembers without malice.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean whispers against Castiel’s hairline, kissing his temple.

“Yeah, yeah” Castiel shrugs him off, dismissively, “You’ve said that a million times over the years and yet back then I was crying because you’d broken up with me.”

“Hey!” Dean protests, “I didn’t break up with you! not that time at least.” he then adds sheepishly, “Will you ever forgive me?”

Castiel turns on the pillow of Dean’s arm to look at him in the eyes, “Oh, Freckles, I forgave you like five seconds after you entered my house, but, you see, I’ve never been able to forget.”

Dean sighs, “Bad partner.” but brushes his thumb through his man’s chin.

 

* * *

 

 

1985 - Iowa City -  Three days before New Year. Novaks Home.

 

Castiel enters home, throws his backpack by the door and unceremoniously crumbles into a ball in the middle of the living room couch. Then he cries. He cries uncontrollably enough to miss his brothers entering the room from the kitchen. Lucifer is the first to get to his side and tries to coax him to talk with no success. It’s not that he wants to keep it a secret; it’s that he just can’t. Voice it makes the sting cut deeper. Lucifer looks quizzically at Gabriel, who’s standing at the kitchen door with a killing look on the face.

“He went on a date with Winchester,” Gabriel informs him, punching the wall he murmurs, “I’m gonna kill Dean.” and takes a couple of resolute steps towards the front door.

“No!” crying even harder than before, Cas screams at the top of his lungs, getting up to cut his brother’s way.

Richard comes into the room early enough to witness the last part of the interaction. He runs to Cas and takes him by the shoulders.

“Cassie, son, calm down,” Richard wipes the wells of tears from Cas’ face and starts giving instructions to the men in the room, all the family already surrounding them, “Luci, bring your brother a glass of cold water… with ice cubes. Baz, go to the liquor cabinet and bring me half an inch of any liquor. A sweet one. Gabe, bring a blanket and some pillows. Rob, hun, help me get him to the couch.”

Baz and Luci return with the drinks, and leave them on the coffee table next to Richard, Rob continues to caress his son’s hair, trying to bring comfort and help him relax. The parents share a concern look, but voicing none of their doubts and worries.

“C’mon Cassie, stop crying, son.” he takes the liquor and helps him up to drink, “baby open your mouth, you have to drink this, it’s gonna warm you, you’re too cold.” Castiel does as his dad tells him, making a face as the liquor slightly burns his throat. He suddenly sits up and grabs his arms around his dad’s neck.

Richard hugs him back just as tight and mouths Rob to hand him the blanket. His partner covers Cas’ back with it and lets Rob to rock him in his arms, even though he wants to also hug his son and take all his worries away.

Castiel’s brothers are dismissed with a look from Rob’s eyes, and they reluctantly leave the room but remain close enough to the kitchen door to be able to listen anyway. After a few minutes, when the hard crying had subsided, leaving Castiel all hiccups and red eyes.

“Now, Cassie, can you talk?” Cas nods at Rob’s question, “Tell us, what happened?”

Castiel takes a deep breath, as deep as the hiccup lets him and tries to talk.

“We… movie… friends found… and and and… shout… he… no dinner… mad… gone…” he did try to talk but unconnected words and arms flapping to show how bad it had been, is all he manages.

“Okay, let’s see if I understand,” Rob checks, “You went to the movies and something happened with some friends, someone got mad at something and there were shouting involved. You skipped dinner and Dean got mad and left?” Rob shrugs at the incredulous look on his partner’s face at his interpretation.

“No-no-no… friends his… found out and Jo… shouted,” he gulps trying not to start crying again, “fag… she… mad and Dean… think… got mad… gone home.”

“The bastard ditch him after some friends shouted at them and called him a fag,” Gabriel shouts from the kitchen door gaining a glare from his fathers, “don’t look at me like that! Dean used his ‘I need to think’ card,” he mocks, “I’ll kill him.” Gabriel tells them already grabbing his coat to leave and make his threat a reality.

“No!” Cas shouts again, “Dad, don’t let him! He… Jo… stop please!” Castiel starts crying again.

“Gabriel, stop right there!” Richard calls out his son, “Cassie, baby, what happened then? Small sentences…” he instructs him, holding the liquor for him to drink a bit more.

“Jo… Jo found out… Benny too. She… she shouted at him... she called him a fag… called me a fag turner… so he he he shouted and… we skipped dinner.” Cas drinks the last of the liquor, letting it slide some warm into him, “He said I love you but… I need to think so… he said I’m sorry and that…” he gulps down a sob, “he said that love is not always enough… he hugged me and left” he recounts a bit more relaxed as if nothing can be done and this is it, this is the end for them,” and now he’s gonna break up with me… and I don’t know how to go on with my life.”

“Oh Cassie, I’m sorry it all went like that,” Robert says, sitting next to his son, leaving him in the middle of his two fathers, “and yet I don’t think he’ll do that”

“I’ll kill him” Gabriel states once again, only stopped from stomping out by the glare in his dad’s face. Crossed arms and eyebrows furrowed he waits by the door.

“Address now, Gabe.” Lucifer commands, already grabbing his own coat and joining Gabriel by the door.

Richard glares at them and, for a father that’s shorter than his children, he can definitely command respect from them. “Close that door right now. Nobody’s gonna kill Dean because he’s still your brother’s boyfriend. So instead of acting like a pair of monkeys, do something useful and make tea for everyone.”

Luci and Gabe nod and disappear behind the kitchen door. Rob makes Cas drink the cold water and, laying him down, starts rubbing his feet and soothing him with words.

“Cassie, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. You have calm down. Let’s say we wait till tomorrow for his call, okay?” and then, “We’ll give him 48hs before doing something STUPID!” he speaks up a little for the two nutheads in the kitchen to hear

Gabriel’s voice rises from the kitchen, loud enough to be heard over the whistling kettle, “Okay, but if he hasn’t call by 6.45, I’ll be at his front door.”

“I’ll be right behind him.” Lucifer states, leaving the tray with the tea set on the coffee table and sitting on the floor to start serving.

“You won’t hurt him. I won’t talk to you again if you do hurt him, you hear?” Cas breaks in sobs again.

“Cassie, you need to understand. We can’t stay behind and do nothing. We will at least talk to him.” Baz intervenes.

“Nothing more than shouting is allowed, you’ve got it?”

“Okay, Cassie, I’ll tame them. Now easy, kiddo. Take your tea and let us cheer you up.” Baz ruffles his brother’s hair and hands his parents their tea cups.

Castiel is held by his parents for another two hours. Silent tears and aching body finally giving up and falling on a troubled sleep in his dad’s arms.

He wakes up in his own bed around three in the morning, confusion of the waking moment when the sweet dream melts into reality. For a second he’s happy, for a second he’s whole. Then the memories hit him and he feels his eyes, sore from crying, beginning to well again. Yesterday’s events fast forward in his mind and there’s the familiar sting in the back of his eyes and he fights the already forming lump in his throat. Dean’s gonna break up with him. He’s gonna lose the love of his life and he just knows without a hint of doubt that his life is gonna end. And he’s alright with it, for there is no life without Dean, how could there be when Dean’s become his whole world.

He can’t fight the tears anymore, so he falls asleep crying and his dreams are full of green downcast eyes, blinking and moving away from him. He wakes up several times that night, sometimes he wakes up to a nightmare on his own, memories too sad for him to dare to remember, some other times during the night he’s woken up by his brothers. He always finds his pillow wet by tears; he barely makes up Gabriel’s and Lucifer’s whisper plotting to kill Dean and Balthazar carding his hair until he manages to fall asleep again.

His Dads let him sleep up till noon and he should be rested because, seriously, he’s slept over twelve hours and yet he’s ever more tired than the day before. His eyes are swollen, his throat sore from trying to back up the sobs, and the hole in his chest… bigger than he can handle.

He gets up and doesn’t even bother to shower or dress, he tries to call Dean but every time he begins to dial, one of his brothers stops him.

Gabe and Luci corner him by the second floor phone advising him to wait until Dean calls him, the bastard they call him, earning a glare from Cas that needs no clarification.

“Seriously, kiddo, you shouldn’t be so needy. Let  _ him  _ call you.” Luci refrains himself from calling the bastard… well, a bastard.

Baz gives him a reprimanding look but agrees on the advice, gently saying, “He needs to call you, Cassie.”

Rich, having overheard from his room, intercedes, “You need to let him overcome his own fears, son. He’ll call you.”

Rob joins the group in the corridor, “He asked you for time to think. Give him time. Now, let’s go downstairs and eat.”

Rich watches Castiel play with the food on his plate but doesn’t have the heart to call him on it, he gives his husband a meaningful look and they both engage in a conversation about the nothing itself while their older children do their best to distract Castiel with jokes and teasing each other. Castiel smiles but his heart is not in it. His heart is trapped in a constellation of freckles that was his true home up to a few hours prior. He’s hurt to the point of despair, at a point he hates his family from keeping him from calling Dean but when the cloud that shuts his vision of reality is finally blown away, he understands. And yet when their brothers try to take him ice skating, as their yearly tradition dictates, he refuses. He tells them it’s because he’s not in the mood, but it’s just because he can’t stand the thought of being out of phone reach in case Dean finally calls. But he never does and Castiel faces a new night of tears and nightmares.

 

* * *

 

 

1985 - Iowa City - Two days before new year. Winchester house.

 

Mary almost drops the waffle iron when the kitchen door opens at 8AM and Dean kisses her cheek good morning. He’s never this early riser, but today Dean has an agenda: breakfast, and ask for forgiveness, on his knees if he has to. At this point he can only hope Castiel’s love for him is strong enough to grant him forgiveness.

“You’re feeling better, Dean?” Mary asks ruffling his hair after serving him his breakfast and sitting opposite to him.

“Yes, mom. I had enough sleep last night.”

“Good,” she acknowledges, “so, got any plans today?” Mary finally asks while distractedly sipping her coffee.

Dean’s chewing a piece of bacon so he’s got an excuse to give his answer a good measure of thinking. Should he lie and say he’s gonna hang out with friends -plural, no gender specific-? Should he tell her he’s gonna study with Jo? Should he tell the truth? Not about his feelings for Castiel, but just… just tell her he’s gonna go talk to him and maybe study a bit. Dean thinks she’d buy that, he’d give his right arm to tell her the truth, to ask her for advice, for comfort but he’s scared, not scared of her reaction but John’s. Dean just knows his parents enough to know they won’t keep a secret from each other and Dean’s not ready for a confrontation with his Dad.

“I think I’ll go to Cas’ after breakfast.” he decides to go for a half truth, it’s better than lying, right?

Mary rises her eyebrows in surprise, “Uh, okay, that’s good. I like him, he makes you study.” she approves.

“Yes, mom,” Dean hopes his face doesn’t give away the way his heart accelerates.

He finishes his breakfast in record time and goes to shower while Mary starts breakfast for Sam and John that are coming back from the local newspaper where they like to pick up their morning paper instead of having a daily delivery, John likes to spend some time with Sam since his relationship with his younger son is always kind of tough.

Dean showers and dresses thinking nonstop of how to apologize to Castiel, his fear of losing him for good is overpowering. He can’t think of driving and waiting outside the house, not with his mind on a self-deprecating trip of his own, he’s positive he’s gonna find himself smashed against the windshield when he fails to see the red light because he just can’t stop thinking and fantasizing about all and every possible scenario. Like right now, for instance, he suddenly finds himself standing still at his bedroom open door, apparently ready to leave. At first it feels like facing a regular blank page, but then he finds Sam watching at him with a worried look in his eyes and he just knows he’s been there present but absent at the same time for a long while.

That’s why, when he sits behind the steering wheel, Sam jumps in shotgun. Dean glares at him questioningly not really wanting to babysit his brother today or rather be babysat himself.

Only Sam won’t take any shit so he just glares back and asks, “What’s with the face and the zoning out, Jerk?”

Dean ponders for a few seconds whether to answer honestly or just take the chicken exit, just like with his mom. “What if i messed things up?” he finally lets out, deciding his brother’s the only one who could help him, “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again?” Sam’s the only one who’d be brutally honest.

“He’ll listen to you at least, Dean.” Sam speaks clearly and slowly, realizing Dean’s almost out of himself with worry, “You go and ask for forgiveness. You beg and crawl until he takes you back. Then you beg a little more.” he opens the car door and gives Dean a menacing look before getting out, “You go now. Don’t make him wait any longer.”

Dean sighs and nods, thanking him with his eyes but saying “Get the hell out of my car already, Bitch” instead.

 

* * *

 

 

1985 -  Iowa City - Two days before New Year. Novak house.

 

There’s one thing the Novak home has never been. A quiet house. So the mornings are loud, his brothers fighting over silly stuff just for the sake of annoy each other but Castiel feels like crap, he hates his family for being so noisy but he also thanks them silently for waking him up so he can shower, he’s never been without showering for over three days before. He takes a look at himself in the mirror and doesn’t recognize that face that looks back at him, red eyes, dark rings under them, and hair that would make Einstein proud. For once he doesn’t care what he looks like, he’s got a goal and that’s all that matters. He’ll wait for Dean to call… at least until noon. He needs answers, he needs at least closure, a reason for the way things ended and if by noon he hasn’t called, Castiel will sneak out and go see him. If Dean really wants to break up with him, he better have the balls to say it to his face. So by the time Robert comes to order him join them for breakfast, Castiel is already dressed in his darkest clothes and makeup. He joins his family at the breakfast table with a fake tiny smile and eats little, careful not to raise any suspicion.

“Morning, son. I’m glad you’re up today.” Richard greets his younger son with a pat on his back and sits next to his husband at the head of the table.

“Morning Dad.” he drinks his cocoa, the same pappa Robert makes him when he’s feeling sick, “I’ll talk to him today after lunch.” he says when it becomes clear everyone is waiting for him to talk, caution be damned. “I need to hear him say the words.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Richard declares and Robert nods his agreement. None of his siblings say a word.

The Novak men make a conscious effort to keep the table conversation alive, giving Castiel little time to retreat to  _ The Dean  _ in his mind. He’s trying to participate in teasing Gabriel, amused as usual when Kali takes the reigns in the task. He forces himself to take a bite of his toast when the doorbell rings and the whole breakfast table go silent. If Castiel’s happiness was not in jeopardy, it’d be funny. The siblings and sister in law were laughing at Gabe, the parents smiling wide but keeping an eye on Castiel.

It takes a couple of seconds for them to react. Balthazar is the fastest of them all so he’s the first at the door. He straightens his shoulders, lifts his chin and opens the door with a serious demeanor.

“You must be Winchester.” he guesses, his face giving nothing away. His appearance reminds Dean of Addams Family’s Larch, minus the funeral clothing.

“Yes, I am. You must be one of his brothers.” Dean replies not trying to invite himself in, since it’s very clear this guy’s not gonna unblock the door.

“I’m Balthazar.” he confirms.

“Hello, Balthazar.” Dean extends his hand to shake, “I’m Dean Winchester and I’m here to talk to Castiel.”

Balthazar finally shakes his hand, in a rush as if only out of good manners, but he steps aside allowing Dean to enter, “Come on in. You’re lucky I managed to answer the door, my other brothers wouldn’t be so polite.” he tilts his head to the right to indicate the way, “He’s in the kitchen.”

Dean started to walk towards the pointed direction but Castiel’s already entering the living room, driven by the unbearable necessity to check if that voice was really Dean’s or if it was his mind playing tricks on him.

They stare at each other for a long moment, tension and relief in equal parts floating between them as an invisible thread linking them together.

“Hi, Blue”

“Hello, Dean.”

Castiel voice sounds politely cold, and Dean’s heart drops. He knew there was a chance Castiel would not want him back but he never really believed it. Now he’s facing the ugly truth; Cas, his Blue, might not forgive him.

“I’ll let you two talk.” Balthazar finally breaks the awkward silence, he nods at Dean with a warning look and then winks at his baby brother, “If you need anything, just call us, Cassie. I mean  _ anything _ , okay?

Castiel’s features soften a little when he turns his eyes towards his brother, “I will, Baz.”

Dean waits, stiff posture and square shoulders standing in the same spot in front of the closed door, until the kitchen revolving door stops its swinging. He starts to slowly approach Castiel like testing the waters. He stops two steps from him and holds out a hand to cup his cheek. The unfazed look in Cas’ eyes stops him cold.

“What d’you need, Dean?” Castiel asks in a controlled voice. He’s proud of the way he manages to hide his nervousness, nobody could have guessed that two minutes ago he was desperate to call Dean.

“I’m sorry.” Dean answers in a low embarrassed tone.

“What for, Winchester? Ditching me? Breaking up with me? For all the tears you’ve cost me? For not calling as you’ve promised? For two days hiding your head up your ass? You’ll have to narrow it down, you see…” the control Castiel was managing to hold breaks and his soft cold voice started to rise up to a shouting level.

Dean shrinks two sizes, he had expected Castiel to fight him a little and then forgive him without reservations. This mad Castiel was a surprise, and not a pleasant one. But how could he blame him? Dean had hurt him; he’ll have to make it up to him. Big time.

“I’m sorry.” he barely breathes out. “I never broke up with you”

“Yeah, well, maybe you didn’t mean to but after two days of radio silence it was hard not to think you had.” Castiel reasons, his voice more leveled after the earlier outburst. “So you needed time, well, hell, time’s up. Now talk.” he orders, sitting on the single couch and pointing at the three bodies couch for Dean to sit as well.

“I’m sorry, Blue, I freaked out.” Dean whispers not sitting but kneeling in front of him.

“You… you freaked out because a stupid girl and a homophobic prick said nasty things in public? It took only that for you to run away? Trust me, Dean; we’ll have to deal with worst things and people. I’ve done it already… If you can’t deal with those two idiots it’s better that you go… go and never come back because I will never date a coward.” Castiel stands up, as if ready to open the front door inviting Dean to leave.

Dean rises but won’t move from his side. “I’m sorry, Blue,” he repeats as a mantra, “I don’t wanna lose you.”

“Well,” Castiel’s resolution falters for a moment, “maybe you already have” he sighs pinching his nose fighting the massive headache that threatens to rise, “I could deal with your fears, I could even understand your inability to it take naturally and give a fuck about the world being against us, but this? This I can’t. I can’t handle you leaving me at the first sign of problem. I rather you break up with me than fear you leaving me at the very first stupid issue.”

Dean takes one more step ahead and holds his boyfriend’s hands in his, “I don’t wanna break up with you” he says once again, more firmly this time, no hint of doubt in his tone or his eyes.

Castiel looks at their hands intertwined, the warmth of their joint skins burning with the finality of a seal, “You’re gonna handle the world, Dean? You’re gonna fight for us? Even against your parents and friends?” he closes his fingers around Dean’s hands, locking them together, “Even if it’s just the two of us against the world? Are you prepared to lose everything for me?”

“I love you.” it’s the quick answer.

“Sometimes love is not enough” Cas sadly states, shivering, wanting to kiss and hold Dean and unable to handle more nights of uncertainty.

Cas mirrors the broken smile in Dean’s lips when he says, “Using my words against me, uh?” he leans in to rest his forehead against Castiel’s, “Blue, I can’t promise I won’t freak out again. I can’t promise there’s not gonna be any more arguments between us but I can promise I will try with all I have. I want you, I need you and  _ even _ **_if the sun stops waking up over the fields, I will not leave, I will not leave, and I will not leave ‘til it’s our time. So just take my hand, you know I will never leave your side_ ** **.”**

Castiel fidgets, wanting to give in but still too hurt and scared, “I don’t know, Dean”

“You’re the love of my life, you know that I’ll never leave your side.” he hums, “Please, Blue… please please please, I’m sorry.” Dean holds Cas’ face in his hands, “I love you, and you’re the love of my life. Don’t leave me.” he finishes with a broken voice.

Castiel’s face is traced by tears, “I hate you, Freckles.” Castiel leans on Dean’s hand, “I hate you”

Dean leans in and kisses Cas, soft and tender, “I love you too, Blue,” he says between kisses, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” it’s the litany bleeding from Dean’s guilty heart, “Please say you forgive me, please please…” Dean’s words barely understandable in the rain of kisses.

“I do, Freckles, I do.” their tears mixing between their cheeks as they deepen the kiss for a moment, “I love you, Freckles; I’ll punch you if you ever leave me again. That’s if my brothers don’t kill you first.” he hugs Dean tight and hides his face against his crook of the neck. Dean can feel a tiny smile when he says, “You need to apologize to them and my dads, by the way.”

“I do, uh?” Dean says aiming for amused but even  _ macho Dean _ must admit he feels a bit intimidated but yeah, he knows he deserves it, “I will… later… I missed you so much” he hugs Cas back just as tight, “I got some news, though. Come on, let’s sit.”

Dean sits and Cas lies down with his head over Dean’s lap, Dean can’t fight the temptation to card his fingers through that silky unruly hair of his, “Red came to my house yesterday… she said Jo and Benny told everyone.” he pauses as he feels Castiel stiffen, “It’s okay, I still don’t know if Jo told Ellen. Red came home mad at me, accusing me of not trusting her.”

“Is she mad at you?” Castiel asks, knowing full well how important Charlie’s opinion is to Dean.

“Not about us, she was mad because I didn’t tell her. Red said she’d be a hypocrite if she wouldn’t support us.”

“Hypocrite?” Castiel interrupted him.

“Yeah, she’s into girls, didn’t I tell you that? Anyway, she’s happy for us.” he softly caresses Cas’ cheek with the back of his hand, “She said to tell you  _ hi  _ and that she wants to know you better.”  

“Oh, well, I like her.”

“She’s awesome.” Dean agrees, “Sam also smacked me in the head. He said I was being stupid and a coward.”

“Smart kid.” Castiel deadpans.

“Hey!” Dean protests.

“Oh, but he is, Freckles!” Castiel laughs, more relaxed now, “Now kiss me quickly, I’m hearing my family breathing behind the kitchen door.” he muses loud enough for his family to hear.

There’s a quick and soft kiss that tastes of not enough, and when they break it, Dean chokes on a gulp of air when he sees the Novaks in two lines, the one in front composed by the parents. Dean and Cas sit next to each other on the couch, hands holding for purchase.

“Good morning, Dean.” Richard gives him a polite nervous smile.

“Hello, Richard, Robert. I… I actually needed to talk to you.”

“You bet.” Gabriel snaps from the back.

“He talks sweet things in your ear and you forget all the tears and nightmares, little bro?” Lucifer adds, oblivious of his parents glaring at him, “I thought you were cleverer than that…”

“Dean,” Castiel sighs, “This is my brother Lucifer. Luci, mind your fucking business.”

“ _ You _ are our business, Cassie!” Gabe interjects.

“Enough!” Robert admonishes his older kids, “You said you wanted to talk, Dean… we’re waiting.” he invites, polite but reserved.

Dean stands up without letting Cas’ hand go, “I need to apologize to you all.” he starts clearing his throat, knowing that whatever Castiel’s parents have to tell him, he deserves it, “I was stupid and coward. I… I didn’t mean to hurt Cas but I still did. I can’t promise it won’t happen again but you can be sure I’ll do my best to avoid it.”

“Your best is not enough, Winchester” Gabriel points out in a rather menacing tone.

“Stop it already, Gabe!” Richard orders, kind but firm, “It’s Cassie´s decision, not ours.” he turns to face Dean and Castiel, “Cassie seems to think you are worth the tears and he forgives you, that’s enough for us, all we want is his happiness.” Richard looks at his husband who nods. He turns on his hills and points his index to his older sons, “And you two… Dean is Cassie’s boyfriend and you will treat him with respect, just like we treat your girlfriends.”

Gabriel won’t back up, he’s pissed at Dean and plans to make him know that, so he nods at his dad but glares at Dean, “I used to like you, Winchester, now not so much.”

“I said stop!” Robert sneers.

“It’s okay, sir, he’s got a point. I love Cas and I hurt him, it’s only fair”

“Son,” Richard makes him sit back by putting a hand on his shoulder and takes seat next to Rob, “We know what we’re dealing with, Rob and I went through that twenty years ago. Family is the most important thing but if everyone turns their backs to you, you’ll find a safe place here. While you’re here these morons will behave around you, whether they like it or not.” he glares at Luci and Gabe.

“Fine.” the older Novak siblings answer at unison with a forced politeness.

“Good. So now, are you staying for lunch, Dean?” Robert asks.

“If Cas wants me to.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Great!” Richard stands up clapping his hands, “Family meeting is over.” he declares.

While the four older Novaks go into the kitchen, Castiel pulls Dean by the hand towards his bedroom. The second the door is closed, he pins Dean against it and he’s all over him, kissing him deep and punching him softly in the upper arm, playfully. “I missed you so much, stupid Winchester. I cried myself to sleep for two days, I tried hard to hate you,” he whispers punctuating every word with a kiss and shaking him a little, Dean lets him do “I really tried but I never could. I love you so much, Freckles, so much!” Castiel takes Dean’s shirt off and shoves him onto the bed, “I tried to take you off my head,” he whispers against Dean’s chest skin, hands roaming over his body, “I missed you.” he kisses Dean on the lips, hard and desperate, biting and licking, “I tried so hard.” Dean nods, words losing its meaning for him under the warmth of Castiel’s body and his sweet sweet lips driving him crazy, he takes Castiel’s shirt off and lets his trembling hands caress his boyfriend’s body. He drinks in the dizziness of the sight of this boy he almost lost, “Never again, Winchester, never again.” and Dean nods again.

“I promise, Blue. I’m sorry.” he says, letting Cas unbutton his jeans and look at him. He notices the look in his eyes that can’t be determined. Arousal, love and something else he can’t define. “Do it” he gives his permission and Cas doesn’t have to be told twice, he unzips Dean’s jeans and takes it down by the hem. He takes it all off and stands up, fingers on his own zipper waiting. “Please” Dean whispers.

“If I’d say I want to kiss you all over, would you allow me? I’m not expecting full sex; I would never take advantage of you. We’d regret it later. I just…” his breath heavier by the second, “I just want to kiss you all. So… would you let me?”

Dean seems to hesitate for a second. Castiel gives him time, standing still by the bedside, patient and excited. Dean thinks at light speed. He wants to go with this, he wants it all. He wants what Castiel is offering and more. But once it’s time to transfer the wants and needs to the realm of the here and now… some old commands creep up. Two seconds takes him to make the decision, old commands be damned. Dean sits up and reaches out to Cas, pulling him in onto himself, “Blue…”

Castiel’s smirk is beautiful, he goes down to his knees and taking Dean’s left leg he kisses his way to Dean’s navel, avoiding Dean’s crotch and doing it again up his right leg. He licks and bites, but he never loses eye contact, “You are so beautiful, Freckles.” he pauses drinking in Dean’s entranced expression, “You’re perfect and mine… please don’t leave me again.” he whispers against Dean’s chest, moving towards his nipples making Dean shiver, “So sensitive, I love ‘em.” Dean moans at Cas’ teeth barely scratching the surface, he moves up Dean’s static body, licking behind his ear and nibbling on his earlobe, “I love the way my kisses make you want me… need me…” Dean exhales a puff of air he was not aware he was holding, “See? There… I love all the sounds I pour out of you… Your hands, Dean… don’t rip the sheets, touch me please, I need to feel your hands on me, please.” he pleads with a trembling voice, gasping when Dean’s fingers touch his back, “Yeah, like that,” he sighs kissing and biting all the way to Dean’s lips, “I love your lips,” he licks them, “I bet they’ll feel amazing on my dick. Oh, Freckles I dream of that... I’m sure one day you’ll make a mess out of me.”

Dean won’t say a word, he’s saving every sensation, every goosebumps Castiel’s sweet fingers provoke. Instead, he smiles and sucks at Cas’ lower lip, while grabbing Castiel’s ass over the fabric of his boxers. Castiel bulks his hips forward and huffs a little laugh, “Look who’s getting bold…” he feels that pounding in Dean’s heart that speeds as he arches his back, “Don’t…” he manages to say, “don’t stop, Freckles. Be bold.” he stares at him when Dean moves one hand under the hem of Cas’ boxers and stops. “Dean, you don’t need permission, you can do whatever you want with me, and I mean it.” Dean worries his lip as his hand moves on to cup and squeeze his ass, rutting mindlessly. “Perfect, so… perfect,” Cas leans in to whisper in his ear.

Cas loves the way Dean’s warm hands feel on his ass but being able to kiss only his neck is not enough for him, he needs more. He relishes for the sounds his lips get from Dean, sounds of pleasure and despair for reaching the deadline. So he moves. He kisses Dean’s chest all the way to his navel, licks the short path towards the hem of his boxers and stops. Cas looks up, questioningly.

“Please.” is all Dean can say.

“I like eager you, Winchester.”

“Blue, now please, I need you.” he asks, transfixed with his hooded eyes flickering with desire.

“Ain’t new things amazing?” Cas says conversationally, he tugs Dean’s boxers out of the way and licks his lips as Dean’s dick twitches under his gentle touch. “You’re gorgeous.” he states with an awe expression, as if seeing Dean for the first time. Dean looks away. “Look at me, Freckles. I want you to look at me, look at my lips stretched around your cock.”

And Dean looks at him. Without breaking eye contact, Cas opens his mouth and takes all of Dean. Dean gasps, moans but keeps his eyes on Cas’. Castiel continues to eat him, licking and sucking until it’s too much and Dean has to close his eyes and cry in ecstasy, “Oh, God, Blue, please! I… Jesus, I won’t last… I… it feels so good…” he throws his head back and takes Cas’ hair… not gripping but just carding his fingers through. “Blue, I’m…” he trails off, unable to speak or breathe.

Castiel hums and the vibration transfers to his dick and that’s all, Dean is coming, releasing his seed in Cas’ mouth. Cas keeps his tongue active throughout Dean’s orgasm, swallowing as much as he can, just as he had promised days ago.

Dean’s panting, his vision blurred and his heart racing a post orgasm marathon. He takes Castiel by the shoulder and locking their lips with passion, Dean tastes himself on Castiel’s mouth and goes crazy, he switches positions and pins Cas to the mattress. The kiss eventually breaks for something silly like breathing and Dean’s dick twitches as he says, “Can I touch you too?”

“Oh, yes, please!” Dean takes Cas’ boxers out and a shadow of a doubt clouds his face for a split second. Cas sees it but far from getting upset he understands, “You don’t have to blow me, Freckles, just jack me off… that’ll be awesome too.”

Dean doesn’t answer right away, he buys time kissing around Cas’ navel and up his chest, “I want to, Blue, I just don’t know how, would you teach me?” he asks, taking Cas’ shaft in his hand and slowly moving it up and down.

Cas groans as he tilts his head back until it hits the pillow, “Whatever you do… it’ll be perfect. Just touch me… yeah like that. Please, make it good for me.” he closes his eyes, partly to give Dean time to decide and partly to prepare himself so not to come as soon as Dean’s tongue touches his dick.

Silence falls in the room as soon as Dean’s head lowers over Cas’ groin, not a sound but the brush of skin over skin. The moment Dean’s tip of the tongue touched Cas’ dick they’ve both stopped breathing. Castiel lets out a long gasp as Dean takes more of him in his warm mouth. The sensation was so overwhelming that he had to watch. He half lifts himself from the mattress and, hooded eyes, he marvels at the sight of Dean’s perfect lips closed around his shaft and he has to take a deep breath to stop himself from coming right then and there.

Dean’s focuses in Castiel’s pleasure but he also takes his time to play with the tongue around the dick as he takes as much as he can. He’s amazed he likes the little sour taste, so… Castiel. It’s not half as bad as he thought it would be, and he had given the subject a really good thought. Castiel moans and Dean smiles around the dick in his mouth. He bobs his head experimentally, repeating motions when he notices the boy underneath him twisting and cursing. It’s in no way a high quality blowjob but to Castiel it’s beyond the imperfections, it’s sloppy and inexperienced… it’s just perfect.

“Shit, Freckles, yeah, like that… again, Jesus, yes… fuck… per… fuck… fect…. More… I’m gonna...stop! I’m coming. Stop!” Dean hesitates but Cas grabs his hair pulling him off, “you ain’t ready… jack me, please… I need to…” Dean won’t argue, he just does as instructed and strokes him once, twice, three times. Castiel comes all over Dean’s hand with the force of relief. He can feel all the worries of the previous days drifting away, sure now that Dean is his and he is Dean’s.  He pants for air, laughs and tears of joy tickle the corner of his eyes. “God, Dean, that was… perfect…” he manages to say, blissed out.

When he finally opens his eyes, he chokes at the sight of Dean licking his hand with a mischievous look. Dean would have preferred Castiel coming in his mouth but since Cas had decided it was too much for his first time, he had to, well… try it second hand, so to speak. He likes it; the taste is bitter and metallic. He smirks and winks at an open mouthed Castiel, shocked. “Oh shit, don’t do things like that, Freckles,” Dean crooks an eyebrow, noticing Castiel’s dick twitching; “You want to kill me?”

Dean shrugs, “You seem to enjoy doing it to me and I wanted to know,” he crawls atop of Castiel, “You wouldn’t let me so…”

“Well, duh! You taste like heaven, Freckles, how on Earth would I not like it.” He pulls Dean up to him, cradling his face with both hands, guiding him towards a tender kiss, “Maybe next time, okay? You weren’t ready yet.” he turns them to get up from bed, “C’mon, let’s clean us, I want to cuddle you till lunch.”

“Can I put on my boxers? I don’t want anyone to walk on us and see me butt naked.” he states, managing to get a fair shade of pink on his cheeks, despite their earlier definitely non saint activities.

Castiel laughs, “No one will enter the room, Dean, and anyway let me assure you that they know what we were doing… you’re not exactly silent.”

“Oh my God!” Dean groans, his cheeks crimson now, “I will never be able to look at them in the eyes again” he complains.

“Oh don’t be such a baby, Freckles! They’ll mock us to oblivion but it was fucking worth it.” Cas hands Dean a towel and helps him to clean himself, “C’mon now, let’s cuddle. I want to be the big spoon today.”

“Fine.” Dean concedes, “But if you ever tell anyone, I’ll have to kill you.” he deadpans.

Castiel hugs Dean from behind, covers them with a fresh sheet and nuzzles on the crook of his neck and he whispers, “It’ll be our little secret.”

 


	11. 1986 – Iowa city - Middle of January. First day after winter break. High school.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You had a lucky week back then. I mean, you broke up with me and got a blow job in the same week.” Castiel states, stretching his arms and moaning a soft yawn.
> 
> Dean leans on his right elbow, playfully scowling down at him, “I didn’t break up with you... And as far as I remember, you got a blow job too…” he puns

**Los Angeles - Present time**

“You had a lucky week back then. I mean, you broke up with me and got a blow job in the same week.” Castiel states, stretching his arms and moaning a soft yawn.

Dean leans on his right elbow, playfully scowling down at him, “I didn’t break up with you... And as far as I remember, you got a blow job too…” he puns.

“Yeah, a sloppy and inexperienced one…” he swipes the sleepiness off his face with his palms, “and I loved every second of it.”

“What did you expect?” Dean unceremoniously slumps back into the bed, rearranging the pillow under his head to have his face lined up with Castiel’s, “It was my first, I think I got better after that… just needed some practice.” he winks at his partner, sticking out his tongue.

“Dude, it took you only eight months of practice to reach perfection.” he accentuates the statement with a peck on those plump limps.

“Yeah…” Dean answers, his eyes and voice rather dreamy, “Good times…” he changes his position to look straight into Castiel’s eyes, to speak conspiratorially, “How we managed to wait almost a year to have sex it’s still beyond me.”

“The waiting made our first time almost perfect.” Castiel lifts Dean’s chin to appreciate his loving expression. He had decided long ago that he wouldn’t miss to store in his mind palace every shade of those green eyes he loves so much. “With everything going on around us and having to fight our way together, it was pure luck that we ever made our way to sex.”

“Yeah, well, thinking about sex while being the center of everyone’s accusations was hard.”

“I know! I was there, remember? Every moment we were alone you’d become all hands and mouth, Dean.”

“We hardly had time to ourselves, not until college, at least, when parents, friends and schoolmates were finally left behind.”

“Right…” Castiel sits upright against the headboard and pats the pillow next to him for Dean to join him, “Enough with the diversion.” Dean frowns up, obviously reluctant to start the day.

 

* * *

Ever since their kids have grown and left the nest to start their own lives, Dean had decided to take his weekends easy. He likes to have breakfast in bed and linger there, lying in Castiel’s arms and looking out to the sky through the bedroom wall to wall window. Some mornings in Autumn, when the rain hits the glass and the wind violently swings the tree branches, he’d reach for his partner’s hands and he’d wrap himself in a cocoon of his own making. Castiel would start kissing Dean’s neck, stroking his arms and whispering tender old words of love in his ear while making sweet love. Dean loves Autumn mornings.

So now that Castiel´s released himself from Dean’s grip and puts on his glasses, Dean pouts. “We need to finish the guest list for the party, AKA secret wedding.” he distractedly points out while opening his nightstand drawer to get the notebook and a pen.

Dean squints up at him, not sure if on board with the plan, he wanted to take a shared shower, have breakfast and then start working on the list in the backyard where the grass has been recently trimmed and the flower beds Cas’ been working on for days look relaxingly beautiful. His intention was to work on the list until noon and then clean the pool, just in case it becomes handy for the party.

“Oh, okay.” he finally decides to join Castiel sitting against the headboard. He taps on the ever-growing list, “We have to invite Adam and Matt, they were always so supportive… especially on our last semester. Sometimes I wonder what would have been of us without Adam stepping up for us.”

Castiel writes down the names on the list, snorting softly, “You’d have probably switched schools and abandon me again.” he pecks Dean quickly on the lips to shut his protest, “Don’t deny it, you toyed with the idea back and forth.”

“But I always chose you.” Dean protests and returns the smile that spreads on Castiel’s lips. “Red is a yes.” he says to dissipate the chick flick moment.

“Of course,… and her wife.”

“Duh.” Dean says rolling his eyes and jumping off the bed to hurry to take a leak as Castiel takes the notepad to the kitchen, sitting at the table.

“Are we inviting everyone’s kids?” Castiel speaks up for Dean to hear from the bathroom.

“Well, most of them are no longer kids, I’d say yes, after all we can afford it.” he speaks out from the bathroom door while finishing his business, “I mean, the flower shop is doing very well and so is the pastry one... “he comes out drying his hands and throwing the towel into the basket on the corner. “Gabriel’s a good manager.” he states as he sits next to Cas.

“Yeap… we gotta give it to him, he’s a pain in the ass but he never jokes around food or work.” Castiel bites the pen and counts, struggling with the names on the list.

Dean leans in and checks, “Let’s see. We’ve got parents, kids, brothers, sisters in law, brothers in law, nieces and nephews, your friends, my friends, everyone’s kids, friends from the shops, Bobby, Ellen… I think we’re only missing your aunt, Blue.”

Castiel eyes Dean suspiciously, and that makes his partner blush red. “What is it with my dear old aunty?” he knows the answer but he wants to hear it from him. His aunt won’t miss to tell them they’re gonna go to hell for living sinfully every time they meet.

“Nothing’s with the witch, I just think she’s the only blood relative you and Gabe have alive so…” Dean trails off, getting ready to stand by his explanation.

“Right, and I suppose your daughter’s expecting the child of a much older black man and living with another guy has nothing to do with it, right? I mean… it’s not like she specifically asked you to invite her to give her favorite bigot of an auntie a heart attack, uh?”

“So now she’s  _ my  _ daughter?” Dean says in an amused splutter, “I still don’t know what you’re talking about and don’t put our grandchild in the middle of this.” he complains wagging his arms widely.

 

* * *

 

Their daughter’s a strong beautiful 24 years old woman who’d take shit from no one. They took in Emily and her brother after a few years of living together, it took a while because it was a difficult task for two gay men, maybe not as hard as for Castiel’s fathers but still was no bed of roses. They fought the system and won. So, when they were given the go, they chose two young siblings who had been waiting for someone to adopt them together for about a year, a four years angry with the world girl and a sweet two years old boy named Ben.

The adjustment wasn’t easy. The kids were hungry for love but Emily was also afraid, not of their new parents but she had been sent back to the foster home twice so her distrust was only logical. Ben fell immediately in love with his new dads and spent most of his first week playing cars with Cas on the floor and watching cartoons with Dean. Emily got to pick most of her bedroom decoration and despite her short age, she knew exactly what she wanted. Cas tried to put a limit to her when she started crying because she wanted the MoonDreamers wallpaper because there’s only so much pink Cas can handle. He had to not only put an end to her tantrum but also have an argument with Dean who insisted in giving her whatever she wanted. Ben would only cling to Dean’s neck, while sucking his thumb, apparently unaffected by the mess around him.

The kids grew up nicely, although one of them rather rebellious. Ben’s now 22 and moved out last year, he remained in the area and is a hard student. Castiel had a nervous breakdown when their son informed them that he had found the place he wanted to move to. He’d known he was to move out anytime soon but Castiel still couldn’t help it. Empty nest syndrome. You see, Emily had moved out two years prior and it hadn’t exactly been a nice experience.

At the time, she was in college and suddenly her grades began to drop and she was constantly going out and coming back at three in the morning, if at all. Dean tried to put a stop to it, had daily arguments with her and even tried to ground her; to his dismay, Emily hadn’t changed that much from the little fickle child she was at four. Castiel tried to intercede but Dean would take no shit from their daughter, so at last and after a few weeks of daily argument, fights and yelling, Emily moved out.

There was a full month of radio silence before Castiel received a phone call. Emily was living with her boyfriend (boyfriend they didn’t know she had) and wanted her dads to know she was alright. Castiel tried to be okay with it and gave her his approval, but Dean took longer to forgive her, on Cas’ insistence he finally decided to give her a call and she invited them over. It was only for the worse, though. When they arrived at Emily’s apartment, Dean let their housewarming gift fall to the floor when he saw her boyfriend. Uriel, was a much older man, almost Dean’s old. Once again father and daughter started yelling at each other. Emily would call him a racist and Dean would yell back that his problem with Uriel had nothing to do with his color but with his age. Castiel was trying to calm Dean down but he also picked up at the small curve of Emily’s boyfriend’s lips, a secretive smile that Cas found unsettling.

After fifteen minutes of yelling, Castiel took Dean aside to speak privately. It took every bit of patience from Castiel to convince his partner that Emily was an adult and had all the right to try and live her own life. For his daughter’s sake, he kept his opinion about Uriel to himself.

Tough times were waiting ahead. Uriel, a massive 40 years old black guy, turned out to be a shit of a person, cheating on Emily and living off her. As stubborn as her dad, as Castiel had to remind Dean every time something happened, she’d come home to spend the weekend when things were really bad back at the apartment, but even when Dean begged her to stay, she’d inevitably go back. That’s how the last four months of her relationship with Uriel went by, he’d cheat on her and made sure she’d find out, she’d get mad, fight and go home to her dads for a few days, then return to Uriel, and repeat. One day, six months ago, Ben called and told Castiel to go check on Emily because he’d been calling her for two days and she hadn’t answered, he had an exam and couldn’t miss it, he was very worried because he didn’t trust her boyfriend. By the time Castiel hung up the phone Dean had already started the Impala and was insistently honking the horn to rush him.

They arrived to find their daughter in a frenzy of cleansing. There was a pile of men clothing on the sidewalk and she was putting all Uriel’s shaving things and other personal stuff in a box with the obvious intention to put it on the street with the rest of his things.

“I gather you’ve split up?” Dean said distractedly to call his daughter’s attention. But she was too focused sorting books and destroying pictures of them together and wouldn’t turn around, “Hey, hey, Em,” Dean made her turn around and hug her tightly when she made eye contact with her dads and began crying, “it’s okay, baby, shhh, easy…” Castiel silently joined the hug, kissing his daughter’s temple, he didn’t trust himself with words when he felt like killing Uriel.

“C’mon, let’s make some tea and we’ll talk this through, okay?”  Castiel finally said, taking a framed photo from her hands and leading his daughter to the kitchen. Dean followed them, numbed and worried sick. Uriel hadn’t abused her physically but emotionally, she was a mess and they soon found out why.

“I’m pregnant.” Emily breaks the news after sipping her tea. Dean chokes on his coffee and starts mumbling unintelligible words, Cas pats his back and moves on to approach his daughter. “He left as soon as I told him. No, dad, wait, it’s okay, I wouldn’t want him around my baby, he’s an ass” she rushed to clarify when Dean’s face turned red of anger, “and abortion is not an option, you know that. I’m gonna have this baby even if I have to raise him alone.”

“You’re not alone, Em.” Dean finally says, “And both your papa and I are so ready to be granddads” he closed the distance between them and joined Cas in comforting their daughter.

She started crying again, this time out of relief, her dads’ support meant the world to her, even when she played the tough kid most of the times.

More relaxed, they finished their drinks between laughs and plans. Castiel and Dean stayed with her for most of the day and tried to take her home but she refused. Emily had decided to stay in the apartment, convinced that Uriel wouldn’t come back. Ben joined them for dinner so they ordered pizza and Dean and Castiel felt as if the kids were, well, kids again. That night, back in their own bed they started to fantasize about their grandchild.

One day, four months later, she showed up for Dean’s birthday party with her new boyfriend, a 32 years old police officer named Gadreel. She arrived ten minutes after auntie Naomi had left and Emily told Dean that it was a pity she missed delivering the news of her pregnancy and her new boyfriend. Aunt Naomi was always passing judgement on Castiel and Dean’s partnership and their adopted children. She wouldn’t miss a free dinner, though, so she’d accept every party invitation… and then she’d gossip.

 

* * *

“Go on, invite her. Her husband and your cousins too.” Dean playfully shove his shoulder against Castiel’s, “I want to invite Rhon and Mike and the kids too.”

“Oh… I don’t know… the ex?” Castiel makes a show of his doubt.

“Hey, we’re inviting one of your exes too…” Dean says amusedly.

“Oh, you mean the one I dated for about two seconds and that also happens to be  _ your  _ ex?” Castiel counters, just as amused.

“Lisa was always good to us, Blue.”

“Yeah, that’s why I love her.” he says suppressing a yawn and adding Rhonda and her family to the list. “I’m tired, Freckles, let’s go to bed, okay?”

“Uh? It’s kinda middle of the day and we just got up…”

“And?” Castiel wiggle his eyebrows suggestively, gets up and slowly begins his way to the bedroom… Dean turned his head in slow motion, his mouth shaped in a circle and suddenly started running after his partner.

* * *

 

**1986 – Iowa city - Middle of January. First day after winter break. High school.**

The Impala purrs his badass shape to school. Inside, Dean, Jess, Sam and Cas are the poster kids of a school gang without the violence factor. Their faces somber and ready to face the upcoming problems. There’s gonna be some problems, not a doubt in their minds, since only Charlie’s contacted them after the incident. All the others, their so-called friends, haven’t. In fact, only Red is waiting for them at the school front door.

If come to it, they’ll fight. They hope they won’t have to.

The two couples leave the parked Impala and walk in a pack, for any student passing by, they were just some folks arriving to school, but then a shout is heard, a blunt and rough, “Hey, you fags!”. Azazel, Michael and Zacharias laugh at their own wittiness. “Why don’t you save us from seeing your sorry sissy faces at school? Nobody wants you here!” Seeing none of them bat an eye at their words, they double the bet, “It’s you I’m talking to, Winchester… and your boyfriend!”

Dean stops, turns around and scowls at them, “Who you said you’re talking to, Azazel?” he bats his brother hand when Sam tries to call his attention, muttering that the guy’s not worth it. He doesn’t care. Only Charlie seems to break into his killing mindset reminding him that the bastard probably wants a piece of Dean, with that they’re all turning back to enter but then fucking Azazel’s voice had to cut the silence.

“I wouldn’t touch the fag with a stick, dyke!”

Five heads turn in unison with equal glares, all heading towards the offending voice. “What d’you just call me, rat ass?”

“Dyke. Dyke and fairies, hand in hand, they hair in pikes…” he stupidly rhymed. “I know what you are, Red… I saw you eating Dorothy up with your eyes… as if she was a piece of meat…” Azazel’s voice full of disgust.

Dean and Charlie start walking side by side with the obvious intention to start a fight but they’re held in place by a gentle hand on their shoulders. Castiel’s trying to stop them from making a mistake that would cause them to be at least suspended. “Mind your own business, Azazel, leave us alone.” he yells at the bullies and plaids with his eyes to his boyfriend and friend to give it up.

For a second Dean thought that that was it, that Azazel and his friends have had enough for the day and that he and his friends would have a nice rest of the day. It was a good thought, honestly. Until they hear sounds of gagging from behind and a voice he already hates to say, “Awwwe, fags that stick together live five seconds longer”

This time it’s Sam who must step up and stop Dean from reacting, “Let’s go, guys. He’s nothing, he’s not even worth detention.”

“Yeah! Go to class, you dumbos! Listen to Sammy boy, there.” Zacharias barks, “Smart kid… hope you don’t turn him into a butterfly!”

Dean, Jess, Castiel and Charlie watch Sam getting straighter and taller than ever and approach Zacharias and, leaning in to cloud the sun over them he calmly says, “It’s Samuel for you, asshole, for all of you. Now, leave us alone.” he never raises his voice but manages to sound more menacing than any of them.

That’s when Mr. Lambert shows up, having just arrived and witnessing half of the interaction. “Everything’s okay? You got anything to say, Azazel? Who’s up for detention on school’s first day?”

“No need, sir. It’s all cool. We were just chatting.” Zacharias mumbles.

“Fags” Azazel murmurs, looking at the floor, as if looking for a coin.

“You think I’m deaf, Azazel? That’s detention for you and keep that coming and you’ll get the whole week. You got it?”

“Yes, sir.” he bites out.

“Now, everybody in. In, NOW!” he speaks up, making everyone go to class and him following. He speeds up a bit to join Dean and Castiel, “You okay, kids?”

They speak at the same time. Azazel called them fags, and called Charlie a dyke and they all agreed they were only looking for a fight. Castiel stressed that he would not allow them to hurt Dean even if that meant detention for a month.

“The school won’t do much about the name calling, unfortunately, it’s the way the world goes, but they won’t tolerate fights, so I strongly advise you not to engage in any. Just… just move along, don’t pay attention to them.” they’ve stopped to listen and aren’t happy with what the teacher’s telling them. Adam notices so he slows down his speech and meets everyone’s look, “Kids, if they ever get physical, you come to me and I’ll handle it the best I can. I’m sorry, but the school has no policy about name calling or gay bashing, so they’ll dismiss any formal complaint.”

The disappointment is so big that it’s almost palpable, “So we have to suck it up and accept to be called fags for the rest of the semester.” Dean complains.

“Pretty much. I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair, but the world is not fair… I wish it was different…” Dean nods his agreement and understanding, easing the weight in Adam’s chest at what he considers a failure.

With a darkened mood, they all walk to their respective classrooms and the rest of the morning goes uneventful, but then lunch had to happen.

 

* * *

 

Dean enters the cafeteria and is spotted by Charlie, who was talking to Jo. He hesitantly approaches flinching when he sees Jo ready to leave muttering a not so low “Nothing to say to a fag.” to Charlie when she tries to coax her to stay.

“No way, missy. You sit here and listen to me, both of you.” Charlie points out a chair next to Dean’s but Jo sits on the table instead, looking at Dean as if he had murdered someone. “Look,” the red haired tiredly says, “he’s been your friend, like forever, even your parents are good friends. You  _ have  _ to fix this.”

“Yeah…” Jo says pensive, “I bet your parents don’t know they have a fag for a son, uh?”

“Joanna Beth!” Charlie’s reprimanding tone startles the blonde girl, “You better stop calling him a fag or you start calling me a dyke. You got no problem when I told you I liked Dorothy… what’s the difference?”

“He lied to me!” she replies, index finger pointing at Dean but eyes on Charlie.

“I didn’t,” Dean quietly answers to an accusation that hasn’t been spoken his way, “I just didn’t tell anyone. Only Sam knew.”

Within seconds, Dean and Jo started to yell at each other, she’d accuse him of becoming a fag and keep it a secret and he’d get all offended of being called a fag.

“Oh, right, of course you’re not a fag. In which universe getting another dude’s tongue in your mouth makes  _ not  _ you a fag!” she’d sarcastically say. “I don’t care about that, Red!” she distractedly discards Charlie’s attempt to call her attention over the fact that Dean is not gay but bisexual, “You lied to me, Dean! You’re fucking a dude and I only found out because I happened to be on a date with Benny.”

“I’m not f…” Dean began but got cut off by Charlie’s scandalized look. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry, alright? It’s just that… I was scared it’d blow up in my face and I was right… look at this mess…”

“What did you expect, Dean? You broke my trust…” she takes a deep breath to calm herself down, “I’m really mad at you.” she manages to say after she recovers herself.

“I’m sorry.” Dean breaths out, rather embarrassed not only to realize Jo’s upset because of his lack of trust but also because everybody at the cafeteria seem to be looking their way.

“Look,” Jo continues, “I don’t care who you fuck. I’d like to have a normal friend but if you want to fuck Castiel it’s not my problem nor my ass.”

“You’re done?” Charlie asks, upset.

“No, I’m not. I’m still mad as hell and I’m not really sure this can be fixed.” she honestly says.

“I see. In that case, Jo, go to boyfriend and let a friendship of years go to waste. Nothing I can do…” Jo doesn’t reply, she just turns around and moves away, bouncing her ponytail. “I’m sorry, Dean.” Charlie says, watching her go, “I thought she’d understand…”

“That’s okay, Red, she will in time… I hope”

“Oh, talking about the devil…” she winks at him and nods at his back, “Cas is coming, that’s my cue.” and grabbing her tray she begins to leave but Dean grabs her wrist.

“No, please stay, I don’t want any more whispers. Please, Red, be our friend, the bumper we need.” he looks pleading at her, “For just a few days. Bring Dorothy here and chat with us.”

“How can I say no to those stupidly green eyes of yours. Look, I’ll go and get Dorothy, here’s Jess too.” she calls Sam’s girlfriend over and promises, “I won’t stay out long.”

That day settles the routine for the rest of the semester. They would arrive to school, Azazel and his gang would call them names and they would be expressively ignored. They’d lunch together, the Winchesters with their partners, Charlie and hers, until one-day Kevin approaches them.

He grabs a chair and sit between Castiel and Dean, facing the latter. “I don’t give a flying fuck who you date.” he winks at Castiel and punches Dean in the arm, “that’s for not trusting me.” then he pats both their backs and takes his chair to sit next to Jess.

Jo still looks at him with anger and Benny with disgust, but they don’t call him names again. So, Dean counts it as a win of a sorts.

One week later, it’s Friday and Dean comes out of school relaxed with his head full of plans for the weekend, which involves mostly hanging out with his boyfriend. Once he sets a foot outside the front doors, he’s frozen in place. The Impala lays low on its deflated tires and its beautiful black paint’s been violated.  _ Fag _ .

“For their physical sake, I hope that’s whipped cream or shaving cream because if that’s permanent he’s gonna kill them.” Sam whispers to Jess. Castiel overhears him and goes straight to the car and checks that it’s in fact, shaving cream. He turns to inform Dean, who’s still unable to move. The tires can be inflated back because there’s no sign of cut on them. Dean nods, but can’t articulate any words. His car is part of him, he feels violated himself.

“We need to call Adam.” Jess points out from the back and Charlie offers to go for him.

“They messed up with Baby, I’m gonna kill ‘em.” Dean says between clenched teeth, staring at his car.

“No, you won’t give them the satisfaction of reacting violently. That’s exactly what they want.” Castiel reminds him.

“But… They. Touched. Baby.” Dean stressed every word to help stop the tears from falling.

Castiel puts an arm around his shoulder and feels him trembling. For the first time, he really believes his boyfriend is capable of some kind of violence. “I know, Freckles, I know… they’ll pay for this… we’ll find a way to retaliate.”

“Okay, Mr. Winchester, what seems to be the problem?” The Principal asks as he approaches the group, along with Adam and Charlie.

Dean speaks without taking his eyes off the Impala, “My car, Sir. Someone deflated the tires and wrote that on the side.”

“Well. You know kids are prankers, probably one of your friends wrote that.”

“All our friends are here, Sir.” Castiel points out, with an annoyed roll of his eyes.

“No. Cas’ right. None of our friends or acquaintances of ours would do that.” Dean agrees.

“I see.. And who you think did it, then?” The Principal asks crossing his arms.

“There’s no doubt. Azazel and his group.” Sam offers.

“You’ve got proof, Mr. Winchester?” the younger Winchester shakes his head ‘no’ and lowers his eyes. “I see. No proof no accusation. Remember that.” he dismissively reminds them, “Now, clean this mess before you get detention for falsely accusing a fellow student.” The Principal leaves without even acknowledge them again, murmuring something about teenagers and pranks.

Adam waits for the Principal to be out of ear reach and then he sighs, “I’m sorry, kids. I thought something like that would happen,” he says referring to the Principal reaction, “If you really want to set a precedent, you’ll have to tell him every time something like this happens. We can only hope that he’ll come into senses one day…”

“It’s okay, Adam. We know it’s not your fault.” Castiel assures him, and the teacher nods as he leaves.

Charlie and Jess are cleaning the side of the car while Castiel and Dean work on changing one tire and Sam goes to get their dad’s mechanic friend to help with the other tires. Dean startles as Rhonda says his name.

“Hi, Dee.”

“Hey, Rhon!” Dean says, squinting up.

“I heard the news and I wanted to congratulate you two.”

“News? What news? What did you hear?”

She rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue, “That you and Castiel are a thing. Well, different wording, same news. I’m glad you grew a pair, Dee.”

“Yeah… well, thanks. Sorry for how things ended, though.” he sympathetically says, and then more serious, “Who told you?”

“Mike told me. It’s okay, I’m glad we broke up… we weren’t happy,  _ I  _ wasn’t happy, even though I still cared for you.”

“That sucks, that I couldn’t make you happy, I mean. I still care about you too.” He ventures a glance toward Castiel, just to see if he was alright with the conversation he was having with his ex. “Who told Michael?

“Azazel, I guess, it’s all he talks about nowadays, you know, how the school is filled with fags and the apocalypse is coming... But listen, Mike and I are kinda dating now…” she’s cut by Dean’s raised hand.

“Michael’s a prick, if he was a nice guy then what’s he doing with Azazel? Think, Rhon! You’re an intelligent woman.”

“Dean! Mike  _ is  _ a nice guy, he’s around Azazel because they’re second cousins or something…”

Dean seems to think about it, and having decided she was right he says, “I hope you’re happy, Rhon. I wonder how Azazel found out, though.”

“Yeah, no idea… Look, I should go now, Mike’s waiting for me.”

They wave goodbye to each other and Dean returns to work on the tire, he tilts his head to look at Cas and his heart bursts of joy at the sight of his smile and kind eyes showing understanding. That’s when Dean realized he’ll never have to give any excuses.

 

* * *

It’s late afternoon, right before dinner hour when the phone rings and Mary screams Dean’s name from the kitchen.

“Move, Sammy” five minutes later he orders, giving only a second before he crashes on the couch next to Sam. “Ellen called, she wants us to go to the Roadhouse tonight… our dates too.” he stresses ‘dates’ as if it was an odd request.

“That’s odd…” Sam agrees to the unspoken statement of oddity.

“I bet that was Jo’s doing, that brat…” Dean says almost to himself fixing the eyes on the TV set without seeing.

“Well… no use to stay boiling your water now. I’ll call Jess, you should call Cas.” Sam calmly states, getting up to make his call.

Dean is telling Cas the news over the phone when Mary enters the living room, Dean goes rigid and says a quick  _ see you later _ and hangs up the handset. The brothers stay silent with a weird little smile on their lips, so far from natural that puts Mary to squint at them.

“What are you two plotting?” she asks, suspicious.

“Nothing, mom. Ellen invited us to the Roadhouse later tonight, after dinner. Is it okay?” Dean tested his mom’s mood, he’s heard her and John arguing about some dinner plan they have for the weekend with some friends and Dean wouldn’t want to add any other excuse for his dad to yell at her.

“Sure thing! Your father’s gone to Pastor Jim’s for dinner. I’ll go to Friday taco’s.” she gingerly says while entering the kitchen.

Sam and Dean share a look and get into the kitchen setting the table while Mary takes the dinner out of the oven, smiling when Dean kisses her cheek on his way to get the plates.

 

* * *

Dean usually loves going to the Roadhouse, it’s a place he goes to feel safe. Today, though, it feels like a prison. The Winchester brothers went for their dates in silence. First, they picked up Jess, Sam took place on the back seat next to her and shared only little whispers trying not to startle his brother who seemed to be driving in auto pilot. Castiel was waiting for them at his front door, sitting on the doorstep. He approached the car with a smile on his face but soon enough Dean’s somber mood got to him. They arrive at the Roadhouse at 7pm and sit on a booth.

“Hey, fellas” Ash greets them, apron on and a notepad that Ellen forces him to have in hand.

The whole Winchester party say their hellos and get ready to order.

“I want a beer.” Dean asks with a winning smile.

“You’ll get a beer in five days when you turn 19” Ellen says from the back. “Sodas for everyone, Ash.” she watches him leave, and only when he’s out of ear reach she turns back to them, “How are you kids today?”

“Hello, Ellen.” Sam, Dean and Jess say at the same time.

Ellen smiles to them and opens her eyes bigger when Dean remains quiet. “So… you’re not gonna introduce me to this young man, Dean?”

Dean sighs and rolls his eyes to himself, “Ellen, this is Castiel. Cas, this is my aunt Ellen.”

“Hi, Ellen.” Castiel says politely, “I didn’t know you had an aunt.” he reproaches Dean.

“Oh, that’s because I’m not really his aunt, I’m their mom’s best friend but they’ve always called me ‘aunt’.” she shrugs the subject off. “Pleased to meet you.”

There’s a little uncomfortable silence when Ash brings the sodas, but as soon as he goes away, it’s Sam who speaks, “So, Ellen, why are we here?”

“Straight to the point, uh, Sammy?” she laughs.

“Well, my brother’s a coward, so I have to be brave.” he points out, sticking out his tongue to his brother when Dean throws a killing look his way.

“Yeah, well.. I had a little chat with my Jo.”

“Told you…” he tells his brother. Both Jess and Castiel look at them worriedly.

“She’s mad at you. I’m… I’m just a little disappointed.”

Castiel takes Dean’s hand, hidden under the tail of his coat. Dean takes it as a lifesaver and murmurs something meant only for Ellen.

“What? I can’t hear you, boy.” She’s amused but she wouldn’t show. Sam and Jess are frozen in place, expectant.

“I said ‘I’m sorry, Ellen’”

“What for?” She forces.

“For disappointing you?” he ventures.

“Don’t.” she stays there, waiting until she can’t wait any longer. Sighing, she asks, “Am I gonna have to ask or you’ll have the balls to say it yourself?” It’s Castiel’s turn to squeeze Dean’s hand in a nervous grab.

“I… I… what?” Dean is really confused and stressed by now.

Sam snores, bringing the attention to himself, “She wants you to tell her about Cas, you moron.”

A light of understanding shines in Dean’s eyes, and his lips shape in a round oh sound. “Oh, Ellen… Cas is my… he’s my boyfriend and I’m sorry if that disappoints you.”

“And you think I’m so thick that him being your boyfriend disappoints me? Honey, I couldn’t care less about it, what I mean is that I thought you trusted me, that I was your confident.”

“Ellen, you know you are my favorite adult”

“Really? And why’s that I have to find out through my pissed off kid that you are dating a boy?”

Dean explains then that the only ones that knew from the beginning were Sam and Jess because, apparently, he’s not that subtle, and Castiel’s family because he’s got two dads and they could support them and give them good advice as well. Dean’s fascinated by Ellen’s reactions to every word he says, her face went from understanding to shocked to slightly offended. But then Dean lowers his voice a bit, rather embarrassed with his confession, her expression softens when she heard that Dean was afraid he’d be rejected or even become the object of his friend’s madness and would stop talking to him whatsoever. “I’m sorry, El.”

She takes a chair from a table nearby and sits next to him, “I love you, kiddo. I’d never think less of you for your life choices.” She says, patting his forearm tenderly.

“Yeah, well… you’re one of the few, then…” he trails off.

“So… you told your parents already?” she cautiously asks.

“Shit, no, Ellen. They’d stop talking to me and even would throw me out of the house.” He holds out a hand towards his brother who was ready to deny it.

“I think you’re wrong there, you see, I know my friend and she loves you both with all her heart. You have to tell her, because, heaven help you if she finds out by someone else’s mouth.”

“No, nuh hu, I can’t afford losing my family, I have to wait. I’ll be out of the house in six months anyway…”

“Right, what if they find out sooner? People talk, Dean, you said so yourself. I’ll be for the worst. You have to be strong and tell your parents you’re in love with Castiel.” She firmly says as she leaves them to enjoy their drinks. Sam nods and speaks his agreement with everything Ellen just said.

“Mom will be disappointed if she hears it from anyone but you.” He confirms.

“We’ll be extra cautious.” Dean promises, meaning he and Castiel would hide their affection from the public eye.

“What? Like now?” Sam looks between Dean and Castiel. That’s when he realizes they’ve been holding hands and sitting too close to be taken for just friends, all of it unconsciously. That’s not good. Castiel just notices that fact and retrieves his hand abruptly.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I… I wasn’t thinking.” Castiel mutters, apologetic.

Dean seems to take a second to ponder, then his face softens and takes Castiel’s hand back, tender and loving, “It’s okay, Blue, I can’t help it either, I just have to lean for your touch.” He says just above whisper so nobody can actually hear him.

Castiel smiles sweetly but he puts some space between them anyway, looking on the table for something to occupy his hands with. His soda and the napkin seems a fine combination.

Dean seems to think twice before finally opening his mouth, he stutters before he could say the words, “Sammy, would you be there?”

“Where?” Sam, unable to stop giving his girlfriend dreamy looks, says.

“With me… when I tell mom and dad.”

“Sure, Dean, you know you can always count on me, bro.” Sam immediately assures.

Dean nods, and the two brothers turn their heads to focus on their respective dates. “Well, tomorrow’s the day.” he says, kissing Cas hand, smiling sweetly, “I don’t want to hide us anymore, Blue.” Dean looks around, but he sees no familiar faces beyond the Roadhouse crew, so he plants a brief soft kiss on Castiel’s lips.

“Eww! Should I bring a bucket of cold water or you’re gonna stop getting nasty?”

“Hi, Jo.” Dean greets, seeing she’s just being funny, in her own way. “Join us.” and she does, after putting a slice of blueberry pie in front of each one of them.

“Look, Dean, I’m sorry. No, let me finish.” she stops Dean’s attempt to dismiss her apologies, “I’m not sorry for being mad, but for all the things I said.”

“Uh, that bad?” Dean suspiciously asks.

“Yeah, my mom can be scary when she wants.”

“Yeah, I gather.” he acknowledges, taking a quick glance towards the bar where the town’s scariest mom was serving some patrons, “I accept your apologies, and I’m sorry for not telling you, too.”

“Yeah, yeah… now, enough with the chick flick moment, dude, I want to know it all…” she leans on her elbows and wiggles her eyebrows at him. “Oh, don’t give me that look! You know what I mean, so now spill!” and she waits while she takes a fork and steals a piece of pie from Sam. The two couples stare at her open mouthed, unable to process her request. Such a change of mind for such a stubborn young lady.

“Err, we started dating on November 1st… it was a Friday. We had our first kiss on October 16.” Dean recounts.

“No,” Castiel objected through a mouthful of pie, “it was before that.”

“Ney, it was just a peck and I panicked, it doesn’t count.”

“Please! A kiss is not a detail. I want actual details, Winchester…” Jo insists.

“Ew no! No details!” Sam pleads, covering his ears, rather theatrically.

“There’s no more details, anyway, you prude.” Dean teases his brother.

“What’s like fucking a dude?” Jo lets out, careless of Sam’s discomfort.

“Well, you’ll have to ask Cas about that, cause…” Dean trails off, making Castiel blush.

“So, you two haven’t…” she says in shock.

“No, not yet.” it’s Dean’s turn to lean on his elbows and face Jo, “How’s fucking Benny?”

“Wish I knew, he wants to wait till marriage.” she tells him, after checking her mom’s actual location in the bar, “We’ll see about that… damn! We’re all a bunch of fucking virgins…” she sighs for dramatic effect.

“Talk for yourself, brat! Me and my boyfriend have some lines in our sheets…” Dean rises the betting.

“Dean,” Castiel chastises his boyfriend, “Please, don’t talk about my sex life, past or present.”

“Dammit! So, I’m the only virgin here…”

“No, we’re virgins too.” Jess jumps in, “I wanna wait for the right moment.”

“Wait? For what? You’ve been dating since… forever!” Dean spats some pie out of his mouth in shock.

“Almost two years,” Jess confirms, “but I’m only sixteen, and I don’t want to risk a pregnancy at my age.”

“Oh, poor boy!” Jo pats Sam’s very red cheek.

“Okay, let’s not talk about my sex life either.” Sam mumbles behind his soda. Everybody laughs at him, making him blush even deeper, “I hate you all.”

“Oh Gosh, thanks Jess… this is so good.” Dean says when he’s able to speak again.

“Jesus! Jess you realize you’ve given him material to tease me for ages, right?” Jess looks at Sam apologetically.

“Jesus, Moore, you have no idea…” Dean says making everyone laugh.

Ellen looks at them from the bar, and smiles to herself knowing Dean is not alone in his decision. He’s got his brother and friends. He’s gonna be alright, she’s gonna make sure of that.


	12. 1986 – Iowa city - January. Winchester House, Breakfast time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Los Angeles - Present time  
> “And you’ve never stopped torturing him.”  
> “You mean being a dedicated older brother?” Dean corrects him, cleaning excess of grease off his hands on a rug and going to properly wash them.  
> “Yeah, well, I’d say you’re way past proper dedication limit.” Castiel points out, as he leaves the tray with the sandwiches and the beer bottles on top of the garage table, pushing the tools around in the process.

**Los Angeles - Present time**

“And you’ve never stopped torturing him.”

“You mean being a dedicated older brother?” Dean corrects him, cleaning excess of grease off his hands on a rug and going to properly wash them.

“Yeah, well, I’d say you’re way past proper dedication limit.” Castiel points out, as he leaves the tray with the sandwiches and the beer bottles on top of the garage table, pushing the tools around in the process.

“Neh, it’s only my responsibility.” Dean kisses Castiel’s temple as he grabs a grilled cheese sandwich from his man’s hand.

Cas tsks, “Poor Sam. Two marriages, three kids later and you still tease him nonstop for dating Jess for two years without having sex.”

“Three years,” Dean corrects him, chewing his sandwich, “they finally had sex on his eighteenth birthday, May 2nd, 1987.” he states, rather proudly.

“And on my own birthday I only got a hand job… life’s not fair.” Castiel laments, shaking his head reprovingly.

“Dude’d waited for three fucking years. If I had to wait for that long I’d ‘ve been dead.”

“Nine months put you to walk on the ceiling.” Castiel laughs at him.

“Nine months made it almost perfect.” chin up, Dean protested.

“I wouldn’t change a thing… weird and sloppy as it was...” Castiel accepts the beer Dean opened for him, “it was perfect. And still, you were so scared I thought you’d run away in the middle of it. But back to more important matters…”

“Oh, so what? Our first time’s not important?” Dean pretends to be shocked, hand over the chest and scandalized expression on his face.

“It’s ancient history, Freckles.” Castiel says tenderly.

Dean takes a sip of his beer, hiding a smirk. “Okay, what’s on the list?”

“I’ve been thinking about the menu for the party. I want your opinion, should we serve all the small food I love and you pretend to hate, but secretly love too? Or should it be a barbecue?”

“Both?”

“Dean… we’ve talked about it, it can’t be both…”

“Sure, it can, Blue! First, mini stuff and then barbecue.”  

“Fine… both it is.” Castiel knows when he’s defeated, and about food, Dean’s always the winner.

“I forgot to tell you! Guess who sent her RSPV today?”

“You’ve got to be kiddin’ me?” Castiel chokes on a piece of sandwich.

Dean pats his back laughing, “Yeah, she sent a letter.”

“Dear old auntie’s gonna have a stroke when she realizes it’s our wedding.” his cough turns into a laughter that waters his eyes.

“Well, as I see it, she’s got two options, have some wedding pie or leave without it.”

“That’s gonna be a show, regardless the choice.”

“Well, there’s no need to hire a singer, she’s gonna put up a show on her own.” they laugh together at the old bigot lady.

 

* * *

 

 

**1986 – Iowa city - January. Winchester House, Breakfast time**

He’s been putting it off for hours now. Mary and John are taking coffee in the kitchen, reading the morning newspaper and doing everything to pretend they’re still in love. Sam looked around the house for Dean, finally finding him underneath the Impala, pretending to work on her.

Sam’s just realized the amount of pretence that’s going on in his family.

Dean had told him the day before, that today was gonna be the day. He’d decided to tell their parents about Castiel and face the consequences. Sam watches him not-work for about five minutes, trying to take pity on his big bro, but enough is enough. If Dean backs up and postpones it, they’d risk their parents finding out on their own anyway, due to all the gossiping going on about them.

“Dean… it’s time.”

“I know.” the voice comes from under the car, insecure but resigned. He reluctantly gets up from his position and shakes the dust from his ass.

“I’m here for you, bro.” Sam claps Dean’s shoulder, secretly hating that his brother´s to go through this ordeal for something that should be natural. It didn’t seem fair that Dean’s relationship would be considered different than the one he has with Jess.

Dean drags his feet into the house and takes a deep breath before opening the kitchen door. His parents turn their faces to him, Mary with a smile, and John with a question in his eyes.

“What’s with the face, boy? Need a hand with the car?”

“Er, no, Dad. I gotta tell you something.” Dean says, all serious.

“And he’s here because…” John trails off, nodding at Sam.

“Support.” Sam mutters and takes a step to the side, leaning on the wall next to the door. John looks at him curiously, giving Dean time to gather himself and talk. That should have been suspicious.

“Well?” John encourages his older son.

“I’m… I’m dating someone.” Dean finally manages to say.

“Oh, that’s great!” Mary exclaims, clapping her hands in joy. “We’re gonna meet her soon?” she studies her son’s face for a moment, “Oh… we know her already…!” she figures out.

“Yes, mom, you do.” Dean confirms, shy.

“Well? It was about time you started dating again. What’s her name, son?” John looks even proud. If only he’d stayed like that.

“Castiel.  _ His  _ name’s Castiel.” Dean informs, in a barely audible voice.

“Wh-what?” John stammers, “What d’you just say? Mary, you heard him?” he looks from Dean to Mary, and back. Unable to come to terms with what his son just told them, John continues “This is in no way acceptable, you hear me, boy? No son of mine’s a fucking fag!”

Dean feels his knees tremble, he wants to stand up for his love, for Cas and his feelings for him… but it’s his Dad and Dean can’t stand the simple thought of disappointing him.

“How long has this been happening, Dean?” Mary’s face full of surprise but also something else Dean’s in no mood to decipher.

“Almost three months.” he answers, a little more confident, squared shoulders, and chin up in defiance.

John’s chair flies backwards when he stands, “This will end today!” he shouts at the top of his lungs, less than two feet away from Dean’s face, Dean has to stop his baby bro from jumping between them two by holding out a hand “I forbid you to see that boy again, you hear me?”

“John, stop yelling please.” she’d stand between the two, who’d known it’d be his own mom’s words that would stab Dean in the heart. “Dean, you have to understand, this has to end. It’s just not right.” she puts her back to her husband to talk directly to her son, “You didn’t tell me about this, why didn’t you tell me about this? You don’t trust me anymore?” she seems genuinely concerned, concerned for themselves, not for him.

“I do trust you, mom. It’s just that I was afraid something like this would happen… and I was right.” he takes her hand between his, “I just wanted to tell you myself so you don’t have to hear it from someone else.” Dean goes to the fridge to grab a soda, anything to avoid looking at his parents, “Look, I’m sorry if I disappoint you, but I’ll continue seeing him, I’m eighteen and you can’t force me otherwise. I’m in love with him and if that makes you want me to move out, I will.” he begins to resolutely move towards the kitchen door.

“Dean Winchester, stop right there!” John shouts, impotent. “My roof, my rules! No son of mine is a fag!”

Dean turns to look at him in the eyes, his own full of unshed tears. “Then I guess I’m not your son.” he turns back to leave the kitchen, “I’ll leave your house today.” he says as he exits the room.

“I don’t believe this.” Sam finally says, voice cracked and angry tears falling freely from his eyes. “I can’t believe I ever thought I had loving, caring parents… I suppose I was wrong.” Mary’s face’s a mask of pain and shame, “I have two homophobic parents… you rather throw your son out to the streets instead of supporting him.” he looks at them in time, shakes his head and storms out of the kitchen with a very loud and firm, “I hate you!”

* * *

Sam leans on Dean’s bedroom door frame, hands on his pockets and a sheepish look in his sad eyes. “I’m sorry, Dean… where will you go?” he asks, watching his brother throw random clothes in two duffel bags.

“Cas’, I suppose. His parents said I could crash there anytime I need a safe place to stay. Otherwise, Red’s or Ellen’s. They don’t have much room, though.”

Downstairs a door is slammed and heavy footsteps rush to the car, they can hear their dad cursing repeatedly, words of hate and promises of revenge. Dean’s heart sink lower and Sam’s breaks a little more. Sam’s hope of their mom coming to senses and be her regular supportive self, are smashed to the ground when they hear her bedroom door being closed and a soft crying growing in pain and despair.

“Can I go, too?”

“No, Sammy, this is my mess and you’re still underage. Sorry I must leave you with them. Hope they don’t take it on you…” Dean’s really worried about it. If you’d asked him yesterday, he’d say that there was no way his parents would hurt, physically or emotionally, either of their sons. Today they’ve proved him wrong. Still, being unemployed and virtually homeless, he was in no position to take care of Sam.

“Don’t worry, I can handle them.” Sam assures him.

“I need to call Cas.” he says with a voice full of sorrow and Sam can’t understand how his brother is holding back his tears.

“I’ll call him. Just give me his number.” Sam offers, seeing the crying is not that far down Dean’s throat. He takes the paper with the number from Dean’s hand and heads towards the phone on the hallway, not wanting to use Dean’s bedroom phone and make him crack even worse.

* * *

“Novak house.” a gruff voice answers.

“Hello, may I speak with Castiel, please?”

“This is Castiel, who’s this?” Castiel has a hard time placing the voice on the phone, but again, he doesn’t know that many people in this city.

“Hi, Cas, it’s Sam Winchester.” Sam can’t even begin to address the reason of the call because Castiel cuts him off immediately with a desperate question.

“Is Dean okay?” he asks concerned.

“Not really, I mean, he’s physically alright but… well, he told our parents and they threw him out…” Sam chokes on the words, “I… he wants to know if he can crash at your place…”

“That’s a stupid question, Sam, of course he can!”

“Yeah, well… my dad was quite harsh on him so he’s pretty paranoid and he told me to ask first. I suppose he doesn’t want to impose himself to your parents.” Sam can’t bring himself to say that he’s the one worried about Castiel’s parents shutting down Dean’s expectations to be taken in their home. If his own parents were ready to dishonor him, why wouldn’t someone else’s parents do the same?

“Sam… my dads already told him that he’s welcomed here anytime he needs a place to stay,” Castiel assures him, “tell him to come over. I’ll be waiting for him.”

“I… I won’t be able to go with him. Let me know if he arrives okay, ‘kay? I’ll see you at school. And Thanks, Cas.”

“I’m done, Sammy. What he said?” Dean comes out of his room with two duffel bags in hand.

“He said it’s okay, he’ll be waiting for you.” Sam informs him, leaving the handset in its cradle.

Dean wouldn’t trust himself of speaking without breaking in tears, so he does what he does best: he hugs his kid brother. They break the hug at the sound of their mom’s bedroom door open.

“Dean,” she begs, sobbing her tears, “You can’t go, baby.”

Dean approaches his mom without hesitation, his heart broken and his eyes full of unshed tears. “You made the rules, mom, I made my decision.” he kisses her forehead and caresses her cheek, tenderly, missing her already. “I love you.” he smiles sadly and pats Sam’s back. “See you at school, kiddo.” Dean takes the steps down two at a time and all but runs to his car, throws his bags on the passenger seat and drives away, never looking back.

Dean starts the Impala in autopilot, feeling a little dead inside, betrayed by his own parents. Parents who were supposed to love him for who he is, not for who they wanted him to be. Parents that had always told him that they were proud of him. Parents that lied. He won’t allow himself to cry, not yet, he needs to get to Cas’ first.

He doesn’t remember driving so he considers a miracle getting to Cas’ house in one piece. He kills the engine and takes a deep breath, staring at his own hands gripping the wheel, he can still feel his mom’s soft warm skin and wonders  _ why _ .

The bubble of his daydream is broken by the sight of Castiel’s door being opened, he sees his boyfriend walking towards the Impala in slow motion and still he startles when his door opens. A gentle hand helps him out of the car hugging him tight, “They threw me out.” Dean manages to say choking on tears, letting Castiel comfort him with soothing words, and then guide him to the house where Castiel’s parents are waiting in the living room along with Gabriel.

Castiel opens the door and throws Dean’s bags to a side, tugging Dean’s hand to make him enter too. Dean lets himself be guided, dragging his feet, feeling as if he’d left all his strength back at home, no… not his home anymore.

Castiel wraps his arms around Dean, who’s began to openly cry against his shoulder, muttering “They threw me out.” over and over. Castiel gives his dads a pleading look and that’s enough to put Rob and Rich in motion. Dean suddenly finds himself laying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with his head on Cas’ lap.

“We’ll be at the studio,” Richard says softly, as if not to startle Dean, “Gabe, room.” he orders and, for once, Gabriel obeys without a word.

Dean, lost in his own thoughts, doesn’t seem to notice any of this, he keeps staring blankly at the ceiling, blinking slowly and sobbing imperceptibly as Castiel cards his fingers through his short sandy hair.

“They threw me out, Blue.” he whispers after a few minutes and Castiel wishes he could do something to ease the pain he hears in his voice. “My dad told me I’m not his son.” he angrily swipes his own tears away, “He was so mad… he yelled he won’t have a fag for a son, he… she… they wanted me to break up with you, and-and they tried to-to… but I’m 18 so they can’t make me stop seeing you and now I’m imposing myself here… we-we’re not ready to live together… we haven’t even…”

“Shhh, easy, Dean…” he lifts him up to rest Dean’s head on his chest, “We’ll see about that… you can stay in one of my brother’s room if it makes you feel better.” Castiel offers, kissing Dean’s temple and taking his hand.

“I just know I want you.”

The statement’s followed by a long silence, Dean fell in an uneasy light sleep, eyes sore and throat tired of holding back the tears. Rich and Rob let them be without questions… until lunch. They wait until Dean has eaten something before acknowledging the elephant in the room.

“Dean, you can stay in Baz’ room, at least for the weekend, but you’ll need to talk to your parents soon.” Robert says with a kind voice.

Dean understands Castiel’s parents concern, so he nods. “I will… just not today.” he sips his water, “Maybe on Monday.” he offers with a shrug.

“Monday’s okay. Your parents know you’re here, right?” Richard asks, concerned for Dean’s safety but also for his own children’s. His family’s legal situation is always in a delicate balance and the smallest change could make it break.

“Yes, sir. Well, Sam’s got your number.”

“Good. I wouldn’t want to lie to your folks.”

After that, the topic changes and they eventually end up having a relaxing lunch, with talks about movies, college and mayors.

Dean takes a bite of steak and plays with the smashed potatoes on his plate. “Sir?” he gathers enough courage to say.

“Richard, please.”

“Richard,” Dean obliges, feeling something warm spread in his chest at being so kindly treated. “Can I sleep with Cas tonight? Just for tonight,” he rushes to cut their protests, “We won’t do anything, I just don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Dean, we know you’ll behave, son, it’s just that we don’t think you’re ready to live together.” Rob objects.

“Yeah, me neither, sir, I mean, Richard.”

Richard shares a look with Robert for a split second, when Robert imperceptibly nods he takes a sip of his coffee, “Okay,” he says, “but just for tonight.” he quickly adds, to make sure the young boys understand this is not a definitive measure.

“Thank you.” Dean rejoices, his smile bright and full for the first time since the morning.

After lunch, Cas and Dean spend the day doing homework, watching TV and kissing. Castiel breaks a very heated kissing session, to asks Dean out.

“Blue, I don’t have much money, shit, I really need to find a job…”

“Well, how about we have dinner here and I pay for ice cream later?” Cas offers, tempting.

“Sounds good. Can I have pie with ice cream?” Dean says excitedly.

“Yes, Freckles, you can have pie.” his boyfriend agrees, resuming the kissing.

* * *

“Dude, Benny’s parents’ pie’s a killer!” Dean says, crashing face first on the bed. “We had some balls, going to their place and stuff.”

“Yeah, well… I knew you’d like it.” Cas agrees, “They make the second-best pie in town, Gabe’s number one, and yours’ not bad either…”

“Hey!” Dean lifts his face enough to send a killer look on Cas’ way, “I make killer pies!” his face pales a little when he remembers, “my mom’s better though.” there’s an edge of pain in Dean’s voice that Cas can’t figure out how to fix, so he just opens the cover of his side of the bed and hums.

“I’m tired, wanna come sleep with me?” he says when he realizes no words would comfort Dean.

Dean turns his head barely to squint at Castiel.

“You just want to lay almost naked in bed with me…, don’t you?” he muffles against the comforter.

“Who’d blame me.” Castiel mutters to himself.

“I heard you!” Dean sits up, appreciating Castiel’s effort to distract him from his somber thoughts, “Okay,” he stands on the carpet and starts stripping, he’s only in his undies when he turns around to find Castiel waiting for him on the bed, covered up to the waist, Dean joins him and lays his head on Castiel’s chest. “Hold me, Blue. I need you.”

“That’s all I want to do, Freckles, hold you tight.”

They comfort each other kissing for what seems hours, tangled limbs and sloppy touches. After a day full of distress and pain, they manage to get lost in feelings and sensations. They’re nothing more than two regular teenagers, after all. One thing leads to another, tender kisses begin to heat up, errand touches become deliberate, and they move their pelvises together, desperately searching for friction, seeking pleasure.

Castiel can’t hold back anymore, he reaches between them grabbing Dean’s shaft, “I love you so much, I want you so bad.” he murmurs, groaning at the feeling of his boxers’ briefs being pulled down by Dean’s hot hand.

Dean licks his lips, puffing out some air, lost by the pressure building up in his groin, “Please, Blue… please… make us feel good.” he whispers against Castiel’s lips before closing the gap between their mouths in a deep passionate kiss.

Needing no further encouragement, Castiel battles his hand out of the way and grabs their cocks together, stroking so fast and hard, that gets them panting and moaning in seconds. The kiss becomes more a touch of lips, sharing the same air, moaning their way to orgasm, foreheads together, mouths open in a silent cry. It’s their first one together, barely a second apart from each other.

Dean cracks his eyes open, drinking in Castiel’s blissed out expression and can’t help to kiss him, he plants quick little kisses all over his face, his eyes, his cheeks, his jaw. “I love you so much, Blue, so much… thank you… thanks for loving me… for letting me stay.” he stops the kissing for a second, staring into those beautiful blue eyes, “For wanting me.”

Castiel leans back, reading Dean’s expression and not quite understanding the words. Why was Dean thanking him? He shouldn’t, he should be standing proud as Castiel kisses his feet. Castiel feels he should worship the floor Dean walks on. And yet, here he is. Perfect, beautiful Dean, thanking  _ him _ .

“Freckles… Dean please, shush.” he silences Dean’s rosary of  _ thank yous  _ and  _ pleases  _ with soft sweet kisses. “I love you so much. Stay here with me… please, stay forever.”

“Yeah, well… can we at least get cleaned up? We’re filthy.” he wrinkles his nose, making Castiel crack a laugh. “What you’re laughing at?” Dean squints.

“Way to ruin a moment, Winchester!” he continues to laugh, planting a kiss on Dean’s tip of the nose.

“I’m getting sticky, Novak.” Dean complaints, “at least pass me a towel. Then we can lay together all you want.”

Cas chuckles but goes to the bathroom and brings a towel. “Here,” he throws the towel at Dean, “Clean us.” he playfully orders, kneeling on the bed at Dean’s reach.

Dean wipes Castiel’s dick and stomach, doing the same with his, “I didn’t miss anything, did I?”

Castiel shoves his hand in Dean’s face. Dean stares at the hand, takes a side glance at Castiel. He grabs Castiel’s wrist and puts his hand palm up. Castiel looks transfixed, gasping as Dean darts his tongue out and laps the cum from his hand. When he finishes, Dean looks up, fixing his eyes on Castiel’s. Castiel moans, cradling Dean’s face with his hands and kissing him deeply.

“For someone who’s not ready for sex, you sure like licking cum, uh?”

“Well… what can I say? You taste perfect, even mixed with my cum.”

“Oh my God! I created a monster!” Castiel laughs heartily.

They lay back into bed, covers tugged under their chins, holding each other and blinking their consciousness away.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!!!  
> Comments and kudos are much apreciated. (Please tell us something!)


	13. 1986 – Iowa city - January. Winchester House, dinner time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Man, what a disaster!” Dean amusedly says through a mouthful of half chewed grilled cheese sandwich. His mind playing that amazing trick of remembering the worst day of his life, without its negative burden.  
> “Oh, c’mon! It wasn’t all that bad… we lived together for a little while, learned a little about each other…”  
> “... Had our first fight…” Dean finishes Castiel’s sentence,

**Los Angeles - Present Time**

 

“Man, what a disaster!” Dean amusedly says through a mouthful of half chewed grilled cheese sandwich. His mind playing that amazing trick of remembering the worst day of his life, without its negative burden.

“Oh, c’mon! It wasn’t all that bad… we lived together for a little while, learned a little about each other…”

“... Had our first fight…” Dean finishes Castiel’s sentence, 

“But we also made out… and almost had sex.” 

“Yeap, but…” Dean begins to protest.

“But so frustrating…” Castiel groans, the memory livid in his eyes.

“You know… you could have taken advantage that day and go for it… I was so fucking horny that I’d have done anything you asked me.” Dean recalled, not for the first time.

“Yeah, I know.” Castiel pats his hand, “and I was eighteen and horny as hell, but I loved you and I’d have never gotten you in something you were not ready for.”

“Right, but did you had to wait seven months to have sex?” Dean fakes a pout, then raises his beer and holds it up to Cas, “To the most amazing partner ever. Even with the fight, and all…” he rapidly says and drinks up.

“Oh, c’mon! It was a stupid fight for something even more stupid... I can’t even remember what was it about, can you?”

“Hell if I don’t. I won’t tell you what it was though… but, yeah, it was stupid.”

* * *

 

**1986 – Iowa city - January. Winchester House, dinner time**

The dinner table was silent, the only sound’s the clatter of forks and knives over plates. Sam focused on his food, he didn’t want to sit on the table with his parents, he wanted to be as far from them as possible, but that wasn’t an option. John had just looked at him and he had to sit and eat. 

Sam hated him a little more.

But now they’re all eating, Sam chewing carefully his vegetables, John’s silence speaking volumes of his anger, and Mary… Mary’s trying to make conversation. At a point, she just gives up, throws her napkin on the table and sighs, John glares at her and grunts.

“Well, I can’t help it, John. We’re having dinner as if nothing happened and my baby is out there, God knows where!” she takes some water to swallow her pain.

“He made his choice, Mary. Now, stop talking and eat.” John orders, and Mary’s eyes fill with tears. 

She refuses to let her husband see her pain, Sam’s not sure what’s going on in his mother’s head and he’s certainly not ready to forgive her for not standing up for Dean. He loves her regardless. 

Nobody else eats anymore. John throws back his chair and leaves the house without a word. Sam hears the truck roar away and allows himself to think. He knows he won’t be able to help Dean on his own, he needs an adult on their side. 

Sam stands after his mother and starts clearing the table, while she does the dishes. 

“Mom…” he takes the first plate from his mom’s hand and rinses it. “Dean’s at the Novak’s”

“So he’s with  _ him… _ ” she murmurs angrily.

“Yes, mom, Dean’s with his boyfriend, so what?” Sam shoots back, before he can help himself. Taking a moment to pull himself together in an effort to avoid being disrespectful to his mom, Sam takes a deep breath and continues “Mom, Dean’s happy, really happy… No, wait,” he cuts her as she’s ready to protest, “I’ve never seen Dean this happy, mom. They’re happy  _ together _ . I can’t understand how you missed it. He’s changed so much in the last few months, he smiles all the time, he’s willing to do stuff besides working on the Impala.” She looks at him as if Sam was talking rocket science, “Why, mom? Why didn’t you stop dad from throwing him out?”

Mary lets herself fall on a chair, covering her face out of shame or embarrassment, Sam’s not sure, as she tries to explain herself.

“I… I didn’t mean… I was… shocked. My baby’s dating another man… I wanted an apple pie life for him, but now it’s gonna be tough.” She blows her nose on a paper towel, “He changed… he doesn’t trust me anymore… he’s my baby boy and he won’t trust me!”

“Mom,” Sam hugs her trying to calm her down, “why d’you think he’s hiding things?”

“Don’t know… he should trust me.  _ You  _ should trust me, too.”

“Well, mom, Dean did trust you two, that’s why he came to you and told you… look how that worked for him.” Sam points out, bitter.

“I know, Sammy,” Mary smiles sadly, “I just can’t believe my son is gay, but I’m just so mad he didn’t trust me… I mean, we could have worked things out… fix it, somehow…”

“Mom, Dean’s not broken… there’s nothing to fix… he’s in love.” Sam hugs Mary again when she begins to sob and tears fall from her eyes, “Mom, you have to talk to him. You have to show him support. Dad’s gonna have to back off a little. Dean’s not a freak, he’s not even a weirdo… he’s still your son.”

“But… how?”

“Call him? Talk to Cas’ parents and ask for advice. Yeah, Dean hid this for a few months, but he also kept most of what happened with Rhonda and you haven’t even heard of Lisa or the names of every single hook up.”

“God, I don’t know what to do, Sammy.” Mary starts to cry, realizing her baby boy’s finally not a baby anymore.

“Please, mom, talk to him. You’ll lose him if you don’t. Talk to him and tell him why you’re mad at him, tell him how you feel but  _ talk to him _ .” Sam stresses. He gets on his feet and offers a piece of paper he just took from his trousers pocket, “I got the number…” but she doesn’t take it.

* * *

The morning sun begins to filter through the bedroom curtains, but Mary’s been awake for a while. She hasn’t even tried to stretch, she didn’t want to wake up John, because she had a lot of thinking to do. It’s Sunday, usually the day of the week when they stay together and do family stuff, but today she knows John will be gone as soon as he wakes up and Sam… Sam’s mad at them, he tries to help her to understand his brother but he’s still mad, so he’ll probably stay in his room or go to a friend’s.

It’s Sunday afternoon and Mary mops around the house, empty and cold, still not knowing how to react to Dean’s news. Her mind’s been a swirl of emotions most of the day. Anger, regret, love, disappointment, fear. 

She’s making herself a cup of tea when John enters the house and screams “Mary, I’ll be watching the game, make coffee.” he orders and Mary rolls her eyes but puts the coffee to brew. Sammy’s been home for a couple of hours now. Suddenly she makes up her mind. She rushes upstairs and knocks on Sam’s door.

“Sammy, I’ll need that number.”

Sam’s face glows with hope, he jumps off the bed and hands the number out. Downstairs the TV volume is lowered, Mary looks at Sam pleading. 

“It’s okay, mom. I’ll distract dad. You just make that call.”

She nods her thanks and watches Sam leave the room, heading to the living room to watch whatever re run his dad’s watching.

* * *

“Novak residence.” a cheerful voice says on the phone.

“Hello, this is Mary Winchester, may I speak with my son?” she sounds stiff and uncomfortable, because that’s how she feels.

“Hello, Mrs. Winchester, I’m Richard Novak, Castiel’s father. Let me get your son.”

She waits, nervous not only for Dean’s reaction but also afraid John might come upstairs any time, despite Sam’s efforts to keep him busy.

“Hello.” Dean’s cold tone of voice takes her out of her thoughts. 

“Hi, Dee…”

“Yes, mother? What can I do for you?”

“I want you to come back home.” Mary says, swallowing around the lump on her throat that the coldness in her son’s voice created.

“Rules changed?” 

“Unfortunately they haven’t. Your dad still feels the same, he insists you’re just going through a phase.”

“A phase, right… Then I won’t go back, not to a place where I’m not accepted for what I am. If breaking up with Cas is required to have a place in your house, then I don’t want to belong there.”

“But, Dean… you have to understand… I don’t want our family to be broken like this!”

“I won’t change my mind, mom.” he resolutely says, and he feels rather proud of how steady he manages to keep his voice.

“You’re my baby, I need you home.”

“Not like this, mom. I won’t come back to dad and his rules. This is what I am and loving Cas won’t make me any less. No,” he cuts Mary’s protest, “you want me back? He’s got to apologize. Look, I love you but since you won’t support me, I’ll be on my own.”

“You…” Mary struggles to find the words and the strength to not to break, the outcome is a pissed off Mary “you selfish brat! You want your father to change, you want acceptance but you don’t give anything in return. You want us to understand you but you don’t even try to understand us. That’s how a child behaves, not an adult.”

Mary pauses, trying to compose herself, lower her tone and speak quietly with her son. Dean won’t give her time to accomplish that.

“Okay, mother. I see. I’m hanging up now. I love you.” he says in a rush, as fast as he can so he can go and cry his eyes out.

“No, Dean, I.” can be heard on the handset as it clicks.

Dean sighs and, turning to face Cas he says, “That went well…”

“That bad?”

Dean feels his knees weak but tries very hard to hold his composure, for the most part he manages to do so. Sighing, he shrugs out the question, “You heard it, Cas, she thinks I should go back and live under my dad’s rules.” Castiel nods, not sure what to say next, he knows Mary loves his son, because, what’s not to love of this boy in front of him, but the fact that the little phone conversation had upset Dean so much, makes Castiel not particularly inclined to ease his boyfriend’s mother’s words. The pain in Dean’s eyes change Castiel’s decision to stay mute.

“She loves you, Freckles, she just needs time…” the phone interrupts his line of thought. He throws Dean a questioning look, but the other kid just turns around, walking towards the stairs, shaking his head no.

“I don’t want to talk to her again, not today. Would tell Rich to…”

“Novak Residence, Robert speaking.” Dean and Castiel turn their heads to watch Robert, all serious and formal as he answers the phone.

“Hello, this is Mary Winchester. May I speak with Dean?”

“Hello, Mrs. Winchester. This is Castiel’s father, Robert.”

“What? I thought Richard was Castiel’s father…” confusion evident both in her words and tone.

“Yes, he’s also Castiel’s father. You see, we’re both his fathers.” Robert knows he’s playing with Mary’s mind but he doesn’t care, he wanted to check first hand whether this woman was or not a homophobic.

“You mean, like father and step father? I’m sorry to ask, but I’m confused.”

“That’s okay, we’re used to give this kind of explanations. Richard and I are partners in life. Married in practice if not in papers. You’ve got any problem with that?” he plays his last card at provoking Dean’s mother’s reaction.

“Not at all, I mean, if that’s your lifestyle, I don’t care but if my husband hears about this… I don’t want to think what he’d say or do…”

“Well, your husband’s not on the phone, so let’s not worry about his opinion… Now back to your original request… Dean clearly stated he doesn’t want to talk to you for the time being, I’m sorry.”

“Look, sir, I need to talk to my son.” she harshly spats.

“Ma’am, Dean’s in his room already, I can’t force him to pick up the phone.”

“His room?” she asks, “I thought…” she trails off.

“You thought we’re a hippy family that would allow Dean and Castiel to live together?” Rob snorts, “Let me tell you, we’re pretty open minded here but these kids are far from ready to live together, so yes, Dean has a room of his own.”

“I’m sorry I’d assumed…” she sighs, trying to hold herself together, “I just miss my kid… I need to make him understand…”

“I know, Mary… Can I call you Mary?”

“Please.” she agrees.

“Your son’s strong and fierce, but he’s just a kid and he needs you. He needs your understanding and your acceptance. He needs your love, Mary. He’s your son… you love him less now that you know how he feels? Do you think he’s different?”

“He’s still my baby.” she states without a hint of doubt.

“And he’ll always be, Mary. You know, when Cas first told us about his sexual preferences, my partner and I were kinda sad because we knew exactly what kind of life he’d have, the bigotry he’d have to face… but in the end he’s our son and we’ll always love and support him no matter what his choices are.” he says, “That’s what parents are for, I guess.”

“I suppose you felt like that because of your own choices, Mr. Novak. On my part, I’m disappointed but not in my son’s choices but in his actions. He should have stayed home and fight for his rights, he should have talked… make his father listen to him… instead, he just decided to run away.”

“As I see it, it’s our kids’ job to disappoint us. They’re growing, changing, if you will… making choices, choosing paths...making their own mistakes. It’s our job to hold them… to hold this side of the rope tight so they won’t fall… I’m sorry if you think he didn’t fight enough… he did what he felt right, it doesn’t mean it was the best decision…”

“Robert,” she coldly says, “can I have your address so I can see my son?”

“Not today, Mary, maybe tomorrow Dean will be in a better mood and willing to see you. Just not today, I’m sorry.” Robert answers just as cold.

“I-need-to-talk-to-my-son.” she insisted, beginning to lose it.

“Mary, please. I’d very much like to avoid having him running away with my son because we forced him to see you against his will.”

There’s silence for about a minute and when Robert’s about to ask if she’s still there, she breathes out, “I’ll call tomorrow.”

“Goodbye, Mary.” Robert answers, with his usual kindness. He hangs up with a sight. He likes the woman, he understands her fears and her confusion and distress. 

“What she said?” Dean’s worried but tired tone took Robert out of his thoughts.

“Oh, you’re there. She wanted to talk to you, son. See you.”

“Well, shame, because I don’t…”

“Look,” Robert cuts him off, “ She’ll call tomorrow and we’ll decide… let’s take one day at a time.”

“Dean,” Richard calls his attention from the kitchen door, “We support you and everything but you need to talk to your mom. This arrangement is temporary, I mean, we like you alright but you can’t live here forever.” 

“I know, sir.” Dean replies, barely audible.

Someone snorts from the kitchen door, “Oh, c’mon, Dean-o, really? You bang my brother… live with us and you still  _ sir  _ my dad?” Gabriel mocking tone, lifting some tension from the air.

“We’re not…” but Castiel’s protest is cut off by his big brother.

“Details, Cassie, details…” Gabriel dismisses him, making everybody laugh and relax a bit, just as he had planned all along.

* * *

 

**1986 – Iowa city - January. High school, two days before Dean’s b-day**

 

Monday came too fast. Castiel and Dean got ready for school. Robert gave his son gas money, knowing too well Dean wouldn’t accept it, and instructed Cas to convince him to fill the tank or at least grab something to eat after school to distract the boy from his misery.

They arrive early and the school day begins as usual. A little name calling here, a little bullying there, nothing extraordinary. The perk of the morning is that Dean gets to see Sam and talk even if not for too long, because they have to run to class. They promise to finish their talk on their way out.

  
At the end of the day, the brothers and their significant others leave the school building together, Castiel notices that Dean and Sam are walking slowlier, as to have a private conversation, so he lets them be and urges Jess to keep on walking. 

The brothers walk side by side, heads bowed, hell, they’re basically dragging their feet.

“Mom’s sad, all she does is cry and dad… he hasn’t talked much since you left. They’ve been having arguments every time they’re in the same room, they even had a fight just last night.” Sam’s not telling Dean this to make him feel guilty, he’s vastly expressed his support, but he knows Dean. He knows his family matters to him, much more than what their father seems to care. “They blame each other, as if any of them were innocent… I blame them both, she did nothing to protect you.”

Dean stops him with a hand on Sam’s shoulder, making the teen turn to face him. “Don’t, Sammy, you’ve got years there before you go to college… don’t make them hate you too”

“I’m gonna try, Dee, but I’m so pissed right now…” they start to walk the corridor again, “Mom came to my room last night, she said she’s not mad at you because of Cas, I think she’s hurt because you didn’t trust her, because you didn’t tell her sooner…”

“Well… that doesn’t sound like what she told me yesterday, when she called me.” Dean murmurs.

“What? What she said?” Sam worries, as they make a turn to head towards the parking lot.

“She ordered me to come back, I said I wouldn’t if dad’s rules haven’t changed, she yelled at me so I hung up.” he recalls, a quick overview of his phone argument with their mom. He side glances at Sam when he stops cold on site.

“Well… something you’ve said to her must have stuck because…” Sam nods towards the Impala, parked twenty feet ahead, where Mary stands with her blond curls dancing to the afternoon soft wind, her expression of a worried concern. “I’ll be in the car, mom.” Sam tells her, patting his brother’s back as he walks away.

Mary nods at Sam but her eyes never leave Dean’s, she fidgets and waits uncertain of what to do. She’s conscious of two sets of eyes set on her back and she guesses Castiel owns one of the pairs.

Dean notices her hesitation so he closes the few feet separating them and tenderly kisses his mom’s cheek. “Hi, mom.” he moves towards the car and sees Castiel giving him a meaningful look from afar, that he interprets as  _ talk to her _ . Blinking his nerves away he turns back to her and in a firm tone of voice he asks, “Can I help you?”

Stepping forward, she holds his hand, letting out a deep exhale she does her best to ignore the pain that his coldness leaves in her chest, she calmly states, “I want my baby back…”

Dean lets out an exasperated groan, “Mom…”

“Wait!” she interrupts him, “I know… your father won’t change the rules, we… I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday noon.” she gets closer and softens her tone, “What I want and what you need are not the same, I know.” she holds out a tentative hand to caress his cheek, tenderly, “I talked to Ellen, she says you could stay with her and Bobby for a while… if that’s okay with you.” she adds to give him the choice, rather than giving him an order.

“Mom, I’m good. Cas’ home is good.”

“I know, Baby, but I also know that Catriel…”

“Castiel.” Dean corrects her automatically. 

“Sorry,  _ Castiel… _ ” she takes a quick glance over the Impala cartop to her son’s boyfriend talking to Sam and Jess, next to her car. “Is he...?” she asks, turning to check her back.

“Mom…” Dean tiredly says, not biting the distraction intent.

“Okay, I get it.” she desists for now, “I know Castiel’s parents have given you a room but I think that being at Ellen’s is a better choice. I mean, she’s family.” she holds a hand to stop Dean’s protest, “I know the Novaks are good people and I’m grateful for what they’ve done, but…” she shrugs, half defeated.

“Look, Mom, I’ll think about it, okay?” he takes his keys and starts opening the car. He’s turned on his hills by his mom’s sweet touch on his elbow.

“I’m sorry, Dee. Stand up for you in front of your father, that’s what I should’ve done.” she apologetically says.

“Yeah, Mom, you should’ve.” he agrees but he gives her a sad smile and enters the car. “Anyway, what’s done’s done.”

“You know, I’m still hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about this but I’m starting to understand your reasons.”

“Mom,” Dean says after letting out a deep sigh, “I struggled with my feelings for over two months, I was afraid of the consequences, hell, I still am… Being different… is not easy. I’ve been called a fag every chance they have… No, Mom, this is anything but easy, and yet I’m in love and every day I’m more convinced that he’s the one.”

“Dean… you’re only eighteen… you don’t…”

“No, Mom, don’t patronize me, please…” Dean looks at his mom’s car and sees the gang looking their way so he makes a hand move for Jess and Cas say their goodbyes to Sammy and start a slow walk towards the Impala.

Mary looks at them for a split second and knows her time’s up. “Please, think about it, okay? About crashing at Ellen’s, I mean. I’ll be more at ease if you’re with them.”

“Will do, love you, Mom.”

“Love you, too, Dee. Please, call me.”

She turns around and, head bowed in defeat, walks away from the Impala; she doesn’t pay attention to the couple of kids coming from her car. Castiel shrinks two sizes, obviously Dean’s not ready to introduce him to his mom so he’ll respect that. As soon as Cas and Jess at in the car, Dean starts the engine but fails to put it on gear because he gets distracted by Cas suddenly shifting on his seat to face him.

“What was she doing here?”

“She wanted to talk, Cas, I told you.” Dean answers and they both startle at Jess clearing her throat, and then at Sam suddenly jumping into the car. “Sammy, what the…” 

“Don’t ask… drop me at Jess’” Sam asks, Dean gives Cas a  _ we’ll talk later  _ look and starts the car.

* * *

 

“What she wanted?” Castiel asks rather harshly as he unceremoniously throws his backpack over his bed and turning to face Dean with his most serious expression.

“Told you, Blue, she wanted to talk to me and as far as I recall you encouraged me to do it with your eyes, back there at the parking lot.”

“What? I was trying to ask you exactly this: what did she want?” Castiel sighs and taking Dean’s backpack from his hands, he makes it land just next to his own. “Let’s go grab some food.”

Dean follows him downstairs, the house is silent; the parents are at work, the brothers doing their thing, they have the place pretty much for themselves for at least one hour. Castiel offers Dean a soda and gets some bread and peanut butter. As he prepares two sandwiches, he asks, “Tell me what she said, then.”

“She basically said she’s sorry about my dad kicking me out and that she misses me, she’s sad because I didn’t trust her.” Dean sums up, not really in the mood to enter into details.

Castiel waits but when it’s obvious Dean’s not gonna continue, he pushes, “And? What did you say?”

“I said I love her. What could I have said?” Dean said, his expression between confused and tired.

“Uh hu, so you’ve basically forgiven her, right?” Dean nod’s the only reply he gets and Cas’ perplexed and sad expression speaks volumes of his opinion on the matter, “You… you did?” 

“Blue, don’t be like that, don’t say it like it’s nonsense, she’s my mom and I do love her.” Dean says, just as hurt. He opens his soda and takes a sip, watching his boyfriend through his eyelashes, Castiel busies himself finishing the sandwiches. “My mom said… Ellen offered her to take me in at Singer’s for a while.”

Suddenly Castiel’s not hungry anymore. He’s happy they’re alone in the house because he feels like crying, crying and breaking some stuff just for the sake of showing how much this shit affects him. Hasn’t he been good enough? Haven’t his parents taken good care of Dean? Hell, haven’t his brothers been kind to him, too? What’s that Dean needs? What else could he give Dean to prove how much he loves him? Damn tears and their stubborn prinkle. Somehow he manages to pass the lump in his throat to gasp a terrified “So you’re moving out.”

It’s not a question, and Dean’s surprised at the flat tone of Cas’ voice. He seizes his boyfriend for a moment, not really sure how to answer to that. He doesn’t want to move out, he’s comfortable, he’s getting to know this guy he’s so in love with, hell, he’s learning to know himself. And yet.

“I didn’t say that.” he says, instead.

“But you are.” Castiel insists, a sandwich in each hand, brow furrowed and glassy eyes.

“I told my mom that I’d think about it, alright?” Dean loses control of his voice and the words come out a little bit harsher than intended.

“Let me guess… you’re doing the thinking sooooooo hard that you’ve decided to move to your auntie’s, uh?”

“Of course not, Cas! I wouldn’t do anything before talking to you!”

“Right, like little obedient Dean wouldn’t follow mummy’s orders to the dot. I knew it!” Castiel slams the sandwiches to the table, “I knew this wouldn’t last.”

“Blue… what the hell are you talking about?” Dean asks, worried sick.

“You and me. That’s what I’m talking about, genius.”

Taking a deep breath, Dean stands and moves around the table to hug Castiel. It’s not that he’s not hurt by his boyfriend’s words, but he understands. He acknowledges Castiel’s fears and doubts. He’s been there himself.

“Cas… no, no Cas, look at me,” Dean cups Castiel’s face forcing him to look up from the table, using his thumbs to clean the rivers falling from Castiel’s eyes, he says, “Look, even if I move to Singer’s, I’ll still be your boyfriend. Okay?”

Castiel releases himself from Dean’s hand, hiccuping from crying. “You… you forgave your mom in a second… she shows up and boom… she’s mom of the year… you… you decided to move out… you… you lied to me, you don’t love me!”

“We said this was a temporary arrangement, Cas, I hadn’t thought of moving out until a couple of minutes ago…”

“See? I’m right… you’re leaving…” Castiel turns to face away.

“You know what, Castiel?” the blue eyed boy turns back to look at Dean in the eyes, shocked and hurt in equal parts. “I will… I will because, apparently,  _ that’s all you want _ !” Dean yells, unable to refrain himself and already overwhelmed by the situation.

“I don’t!” Castiel shouts back the moment Dean leaves the kitchen towards his bedroom.

“Well, you did a hell of a job hiding it!” Dean shouts as he climbs the stairs, “You assumed things, made decisions for me… well, your wish is granted... I’ll pack now and head to Ellen’s.” 

Castiel runs upstairs as he hears Dean’s door slammed. He slams his own with a frustrated scream. “FUCK!”

* * *

An hour later, Dean’s stuff’s packed in the trunk of the Impala and he’s fumbling around, buying time. Robert arrives fifteen minutes later, parking his car on the street and throwing a questioning look at Dean when he can’t see Castiel around. You’d do it too if you’d be used to see the kid glued to your son 24/7. 

“Hey, kid, you okay?” he asks once he’s close enough to see Dean’s tired and sad look.

“Hi. Well… not really. I’m… I’m moving out to my aunt’s. I wanted to thank you for letting me stay here the past days.” Dean holds out his hand to shake Robert’s, “I… I think you should know that Cas and I had a fight about this but I won’t let this separate us.”

Robert smiles kindly to the boy in front of him, his expression reminds him of Richard back when they’d started dating, the same kind of devotion and determination his partner use to portrait when they used to fight, like two lifetimes ago. It’s endearing.

“My son can be a dumb head sometimes.” Robert claps Dean’s back, “Go and say goodbye, now. I’ll see you soon, I’m sure.”

Dean’s steps might look resoluted to the unknowing eye, but if they knew him, they’d notice the little sway of his path, the head high but the eyes on the flagstone at his feet. Holding his breath he knocks at Castiel’s door and waits. He knocks again, softer than before, as if to show he really cares for the bedroom occupant. 

“Get out!” the only words coming out, a hoarse, teary voice, that makes Dean’s heart sink deeper than he thought possible.

“Blue, please, it’s just me.” Dean declares, opening the door and taking two steps into the room.

“I don’t wanna talk to you!” Castiel growls without taking his eyes off the window, expressedly avoiding looking at Dean.

“Blue, I… I’m heading to Bobby’s salvage yard. He’s got a spare room over the garage, with an individual entrance… it’s a nice place.” he gives. How he manages to keep his voice even, is beyond him. Seeing Castiel acting so childishly is killing him. Can’t he see Dean’s at the verge of a mental break down? He’s doing it all for him, after all.

“Have a nice ride.” it’s all he gets from his boyfriend. 

“C’mon Cas, look at me…” he begs.

“No.” Castiel answers with a final tone, “You’ll make me relax and I want to stay mad.”

Dean feels the first tears flooding his eyes, and he hates it. “Okay, Blue.” he takes a few decided steps towards the window and kisses his boyfriend’s temple, “I love you, Blue. I’ll call as soon as I get there, you know, so you know I’m okay.” he presses himself against Castiel’s back, happy to see he’s not pushed away, “I love you, Blue.” he says finally taking some steps back to the door. He turns around to close it, surprised to see Castiel watching him with a mix of sad and hurt expression, Dean finally closes the door when it’s evident Castiel’s not gonna say a word. Still, once the door is finally between them, Castiel finally lets out a soft “I love you too, Freckles.”

Running downstairs he runs into Gabriel, who’s entering the house. “Where’s my brother and where you’re going?”

“Oh, he’s upstairs in his room pissed because I’m moving to my aunt’s. I’ll call as soon as I get there.” Gabriel, arms in jar and a killing look, won’t let him out, “Look, he probably thinks I’m doing this because I don’t love him, but I honestly think this is the best for us.”

With a rolling of his eyes, Gabriel steps aside, “Cassie can be a dumb head sometimes. I’ll talk to him.” he pats Dean’s cheek and smiles, “See you around, Dean-o.”

* * *

School day comes and Dean and Castiel are in everybody’s conversation, everyone trying to guess why Castiel’s so openly ignoring Dean. At a point, Dean just decides to let him be, tired of trying to get him to talk.

Finally, at lunch end, Sam tries to talk to him.

“Hey, Cas? How are you?”

“Don’t bother, Samuel, I’m not talking to you either.”

“Why? I did nothing to you.”

“Dean sent you, and I don’t appreciate you being his ambassador.”

“Dude, my brother’s got no idea I’m here. He’d rip my throat if he’d find out.” Sam looks around to verify Dean’s not there, “Look, the thing is tomorrow’s Dean’s birthday and we’re going to have a party at the roadhouse around 4PM. I know he’ll be happy to see you there. I mean, despite any argument, you nutheads, are having, you should be there.”

“I don’t know, Sam, we…” 

“I’m not taking that,” he interrupts him, “you have to fix things, Cas, he’s sulking and it’s not funny.”

“He is?” Castiel seems genuinely surprised.

“You bet your ass, he is.” Sam replies, more amused than he should sound.

“Good, he deserves it.” 

“Jesus, you’re just as impossible, heaven’s match for sure.” Sam says between chuckles, “So you’re coming tomorrow?”

“Of course, Sam, I’m not a monster. Just… don’t tell him I will.” he says, conspiratorially.

“It’s kinda a surprise party so I won’t tell him shit. Although I think he knows we’re planning something…”

“Right, okay, I’ll be there. Now, go; I’m still mad at you, Mr. Ambassador.”  

“I’m not…” Sam begins to protest.

“I’m not lame, Sam! Now, let’s bounce. I got class.”

* * *

“He won’t talk to me, Red… I kept trying but he just wouldn’t even look at me.” Dean says, leaning over the lab table to secretly speak to Charlie. 

“He’s hurt, Dean. You really don’t get why?” she replies, looking at him sideways.

“Remind me whose friend are you?”

“Idiot.” she laughs, “You’re jealous, baby?”

“Don’t baby me. I’m mad at him because… I made the right choice and he kept pushing me to take it back. I won’t, because I’m right and he’s not. Period.” 

“I’m not saying you’re not, Dee, but try to see things his way, alright? You could have stayed a little longer, I don’t know, a day or two…”

“I was planning to stay until my birthday but…” Dean trails off.

“But?” she pushes.

“But, he started yelling at me until I finally did what he thought I’d do so I left.” he sums up.

“Oh, I see… so you basically flew instead of fighting for him. Well played, Winchester… nice.”

“Whatever.” he pretends to be unaffected but he can’t help to nervously scratch his neck.

“Gosh, I swear of God I love you but I’d kill you, sometimes… go and apologize to him.” she orders, smacking his upper arm.

“I would but he’s not talking to me, Red.” Dean rubs his arm where she'd hit him, such a strong punch for such a small girl.

“Then _ make him _ !” she rolls her eyes, her tone mocking.

“Yeah, well… I’m not gonna do it here at school.”

“Ok, let’s make a deal, you go and talk to him and I won’t punch your sweet princess arm for two months.” she grins.

“Yeah, you’ve promised that before and…” Dean gives her a disapproving look, “Ok, we’re running late to trig.”

“ _ Today _ , Winchester!” she says, breathlessly as they walk fast down the hall.

* * *

“Hey, fag!” Castiel hears someone shouting from behind, he knows that voice so he keeps walking down the corridor, with the hope that he’d be left alone. Taking a glance to his right, he sees Mike watching at him from afar, as if trying to stay out of the confrontation but not that far as to be taken for a coward by their  _ colleagues _ . The moment Castiel goes back to look ahead, he finds Azazel and Raphael cutting his path. “Going somewhere, faggot? I didn’t take you for disrespectful, I’m talking to you, FAGGOT!” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Azazel, you see, the thing is that my name’s not Faggot, is  _ Castiel _ .” His name said in a gasp as Azazer pushes him against the lockers.

“Don’t you sass me, fag.” Azazel chews the words out, tiny little drops of saliva spread out of his mouth.

“Why don’t you tell me what you need, and be over with this, Az?” he sneers, using his best mocking tone.

“Where you’re going, Mike?” Raphael asks, distracting both Azazel and Castiel, “We’re too wild for you, now, Mister Lisa?” he laughs, turning his attention back to the lockers action.

“Let him go, he’s a idiot anyway.” Azazel instructs and then, looming over Castiel, in a posture that intended to be menacing, “I want you out of my school, you hear me? We don’t want faggots like you turning normal folks like Dean into fairies.” he shoves Castiel back with brutal force, making the lockers shake. “You’re gonna pay for what you did to him.”

Castiel looks at Azazel in disbelieving shock and, stupidly, he asks, “You think I turned him gay?” a chuckle escapes his lips, even when he’d tried to control himself, feeling more sassy than he knows is wise to show, “You’re a moron, Azazel. Nobody can turn anyone into something he’s not.” Castiel’s actually laughing now, unable to stop himself, “Dude, you think you’d turn gay if I’d kissed you?” he fakes a serious expression then, “Oh… Oh! I see… maybe you do want me to kiss you and turn you into a faggot?” Castiel knows he should regret his come back, but he’s unable to. 

The first hit comes in surprise, even though he was expecting it. It feels like if his right cheek was suddenly hit by a metal bar, making his brain shake inside his skull. His vision blurred, Castiel doesn’t see where the blow to his stomach comes from but he guesses it’s Raphael’s fist, since he can hear his laugh as if filtered by a thin cement wall… his hearing probably compromised by the blow to his face.  

In total panic Dean, who was coming through the sea of frozen students watching the scene, screams at Sam to get the Principal… and Adam. At least he hopes he did. He must have, because Sam’s running forcing the students to part to let him pass. Dean then grabs Azazel in a chokehold and throws him to the floor, holding him down by twisting his arm at his back and pinning his knee on the small of Azazel’s back. 

For Dean everything's in slow motion from then on, he turns his head to look at Cas, he watches as Raphael keeps punching Cas, who’s trying to duck to avoid his blows but not succeeding, and Dean can’t understand why nobody’s helping him. He wants to kill Raphael, wants to stop him from hurting his beautiful Cas, but he knows that he he’d try that, Azazel will be free to punch them both. 

Castiel seems to understand Dean’s predicament, because he looks at him in horror and screams, “No! Hold him! I can…” but a fist to the pit of the stomach silences him. Dean can’t hold himself any longer, he has to save Cas, because even when Castiel’s eyes pleads him not to let Azazel free, Dean can’t, and when Castiel’s head hit the lockers Dean just releases Azazel and, screaming murder, he runs towards Castiel who’s receiving blow after blow from Raphael, the last one hitting Castiel on the ribs.

Castiel thinks he must be dreaming, because he hears a girl’s soprano scream, like in the movies, and then the hand that was holding him to allow the other blow strike after strike, suddenly let go and Castiel feels his body give in, his knees bend making him fall face first on the floor, but he doesn’t feel pain, all his senses numb. As a background noise, he thinks he hears Dean shouting his name and he sees through a veil, Dean letting go of Azazel to run to him, and then it’s all darkness and he welcomes the unconsciousness with a sigh. He never realizes the reason he didn’t feel pain when falling was because Dean got to him before he’d hit the floor. 

At that moment, Adam orders “Stop the fight right now!”

Azazel stops his attempt to take Dean from behind to hit him; Raphael, blind with rage, tries to continue to hit Castiel on the floor but hits Dean instead, who’s towered over Castiel to protect him. 

For Dean everything happens in slow motion, he’s holding Castiel in his arms, praying for him to stay with him, to breathe, to live. From the corner of his eyes, he sees a terrified a crying Sam shouting at him, Adam and the Principal holding Raphael, and Azazel’s looking at Castiel with a mix of hate and shame.

Sam’s voice comes high pitched, yet not enough to take him out of this weird state of his senses. “Dee, Dee! He’s okay?” but Dean can’t answer that. He’s been trying to wake Cas up but he’s not responding and Dean panics. He rocks Cas in his arms, shouting at the figures that try to take his boyfriend from his hold. 

“No-no-no I need to… he needs to… Cas, Cas buddy, please… please, wake up! Blue, pleasepleaseplease, you need to wake up!”

Dean shakes his shoulders to loosen the grip of the hands that try to take Castiel from him. “Dean,” Adam’s familiar voice make Dean look up from Castiel’s face, “Dean, he needs air, he needs to lay on the floor to avoid major damage and you need to calm down, he needs you full.”

At a signal from Adam, Sam grabs Dean and hugs him tight, “C’mon Dee, he’s breathing, he’s gonna be alright.” Sam’s throat’s in a knot, he’s worried sick but he’s gonna stay strong for his brother, even if he has to punch him “The nurse’s checking him and Adam’s already called 911.”

Dean keeps fighting Sam’s hold, but Sammy’s become a strong kid and he’s preventing his attempts to get back to Cas’ side, “Dee, please, stop fighting me. Look, the paramedics are here, let them do their work.” he takes the car keys from Dean’s jacket pocket, “We’ll take the Impala to the hospital, and for once you’ll let me drive.” 

“No,” Adam firmly says, “I’ll drive the car, Dean, you can drive with Castiel in the ambulance. Castiel’s parents asked so when the Principal called them, they’re gonna be at the hospital waiting.” he explained, “Dean, the car keys.”

“I got them, professor.” Sam informs.

Dean is lead to the ambulance in total shock, and all he can do when the paramedic asks him how he feels is, “Cas… Blue… I… please, don’t leave me…”


	14. 1986 – Iowa city - January. Hospital, two days before Dean’s b-day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean run next to the paramedics. They were putting Castiel on a gurney to traslate him to the hospital. Castiel still unconscious but breathing regularly. The paramedics look at him and Dean says “I’ll ride with him”

**1986 – Iowa city - January. Hospital, two days before Dean’s b-day**

 

Dean run next to the paramedics. They were putting Castiel on a gurney to traslate him to the hospital. Castiel still unconscious but breathing regularly. The paramedics look at him and Dean says “I’ll ride with him”

“Family only” says the paramedic. “I’m his brother” lie Dean. The paramedic look at him. “We are adopted” Adam nods to the paramedic. Dean will ride the ambulance no matter what they said.

The ride to the hospital was short and Castiel still the same. Once they arrived they took Castiel to an examination room and Dean to the waiting area. A few minutes later. Adam and Sam arrived. Dean was sat in the floor with the arms around his legs, bouncing and shaking.

“Dee.” says Sam.

“They say I wait here. It’s being too long Sammy.”

“It’s not Dean. It couldn’t pass more than 10 or maybe 15 minutes. I’m sorry. Come on. Stand up. Sit on the chair.”

“The chair is uncomfortable.”

“Come on Dee. Please stand up. Use the couch. Lay down and rest. Please, you are shaking. Stop being stubborn.”

Finally Dean give up and go to the couch. Resting his head in Sam lap. Half an hour later Gabriel and Richard enter the room.

“Dean, Is he OK” asks Richard

Dean looks at him and then at Sam.

“We don’t know Sir. I’m Sam Winchester”

“Hello Mr. Novak. I’m Mr. Lambert. Adam. I’m Dean and Castiel’s teacher”

A few a seconds later a Doctor enters the room. “Castiel’s family?”

“Yes. I’m his father” says Richard. “Is he ok?

“He’s OK. He has a minor concussion from one of the punches and one of the healing ribs is broken again. He will stay in observation for a few hours and then he can go home. he will need to rest till the end of the week and then he can return to school”

“Can we see him?” asks Dean.

“Your brother is sleeping now. You can go but stay calm. He needs the rest”

“Brother?” says Gabriel.

“Later.” says Sam. “Come on. Not here” while dragging Gabriel out of the room.

They went to the room. Adam and Sam waiting outside.

Cas looks pale and defenseless and tiny with the machines next to him and the IV into his arm.

“Blue” cries Dean, kneeling in front of the bed. “I’m sorry. I should... I should stay beside you. I’m sorry... I’m sorry I left... I’m sorry Blue... I’m sorry... please Blue... please... I love you... please wake up... please.”

Richard and Gabe sit in the chairs of the room and force Dean into one next to the bed.

Dean keeps chanting “Blue baby... please wake up... Blue... I’m sorry... I love you... please...” like a plea, soft and into Cas fingers.

Robert came not long after and sat next to Richard, holding hands and waiting for Castiel to wake up.

“My head hurts, my chest hurts and I can’t sleep because Freckles won’t let me” teases Castiel.

“Oh God, yes, you are awake.” Says Dean. Kissing Castiel forehead.

“Freckles. What happened?” Says Castiel confused.

“What do you remember?”

“You trying to help me. Even if I said NO. You loosing your grip in Azazel and Raphael trying to punch me”

“Well I lost the grip and Raphael did punch you. He punch you in the ribs and you hit your head into the lockers and then you pass out. The paramedics arrive and they patch you. We are in the hospital now. Parents and brother are here.” Says Dean signaling Castiel parents sitting in the couch. Looking at them.

“How you fell Cassie?” Says Robert.

“Sore Papa. My ribs and head hurts but you are all here so I’m better now”

“Well. The doctor’s said you will be at home in a few hours. Now rest” Says Richard. “We’ll be here. Dean too”

“Rest Blue. I love you” Dean kisses Cas lips. Just a touch. “I’m sorry” whispers to Castiel lips. “I’m sorry Blue”

“Stop for now. We’ll talk later”

Castiel was released after 12 hours of rest and some examination. He was taken by his parents to his house and with the promise that Dean will return after school.

* * *

 

At 12 AM sharp Dean receive a letter from Jo.

“Here. This is for you... OH and Happy b-day bro” she says.

The letter has Cas beautiful handwriting.

“Dean:

First I’d like to say, Happy Birthday Freckles. I hope you are having a really good time with your family, I wish I were there.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to tell you how much you meant to me. How much I love you and care about you.

Words of love don’t always come easy. I wanna tell you so much and I can’t find the words. Words of love and praising. Say you are beautiful is like saying the moon is just far away. There’s a saying “I love you to the moon and back” but the moon is too close for my love.

I love you so much Dean Winchester. SO MUCH It hurts physically. You stole my heart the first time you really look at me. I’ll wait for you eons. I don’t care if kissing is all we share from now till we decide it’s our end time. I love you so much Freckles. I would like to spend the rest of my life with you.

 **I’ll be here 'til we decide that it's our time** . I can only ask for your love. **So just take my hand, you know that I'll never leave your side. You're the love of my life** Dean **, you know that I'll never leave your side.**

Happy birthday Dean Winchester.

With all the love from my heart.

Blue”

Dean smiles at the letter. Reading it all over again. Shedding a tear of joy. He took a sheet from his notebook and writes in a big bald letters in the middle of the page “Yes” and and small letters at the right bottom corner writes “If it becomes legal.” Still smiling at the paper, putting it into an envelope. Lying in bed smiling at the pillow and going back to sleep with a heart full of love and hope.

The morning after he’s wake up by a very loud noise at the kitchen. Dean leave the bed and after hit the bathroom and put some clothes in him he went to the kitchen. Finding nothing different in there.

Then he goes to the restaurant and a there is his family. Sam, Ellen, Bobby, Jo, Ash, Charlie, Kevin and Benny singing Happy Birthday and hugging him.

“Happy b-day Bro” says Sam. “We were suppose to do this after school but We think you wanna see Cas so we move the party to breakfast.”

“Come on, sit” Says Ellen. “We have bacon and eggs, chocolate chips pancakes, sausage, potatoes and onions and peanut butter pie”

“You will spoil him rotten” Says Bobby. “Come on Idjits. Sit y’all and eat.” everybody sits and enjoy the breakfast. Chatting about school and teasing Dean.

“How’s Castiel” asks Ellen.

“I don’t know I still don’t talk to him this today”

After breakfast the door opens and a big pie in a cart with 19 candles is pushed by Gabriel.

“For everyone to know Cassie it’s good and resting. He expects the b-day boy after school. Hey Dean-o come on, blow them... come one I know you are good at it... come on **BLOW ME** candles” 

Dean blush furiously. Sam shouts “GABRIEL... BEHAVE”. Jo and Charlie laugh loudly. The rest just roll their eyes.

“Come on Dean-o. I know you like it.” Dean starts reaching air “Don’t forget the wishes” he smiles and blow the candles. Everyone cheers and start giving him presents. “An AC/DC tape from JO, Benny and Ash, a Star Trek T-shirt from Charlie and Kevin, a new pairs of Jeans from Ellen and a new part for Baby from Bobby. Sam gave him the last Vonnegut book “Galapagos”.

“Thank you all I love you and Gabe... best chocolate pecan pie EVER. Come on let’s go” they part to school. Leaving Bobby and Ellen with Gabe.

“I should go” says Gabe.

“How’s your brother” ask Ellen.

“He’s OK. Really. Hurt and complaining but good. He’ll survive. I think you need to know my family cares about Dean. So my parents will probably make dinner to celebrate and I know he will stay at home all night. If I know my brother he will ask and Dean-o will never say no. They are head over hills for each other. It’s kind sick but cute. I really get going. I got class”

“Bye Gabriel. Thanks”

Mary called a while before. “Hi Ellen. Are you having the celebration this afternoon”

“Hi Mary. No we just had breakfast with him. Castiel was attacked yesterday at school and he’s going to his house after school”

“OH... I missed my kid party”Says Mary with a disappointed voice.

“You could go to school and wait for him. At lunch or after last period. I’m sorry Mary. The kids are not happy with your and John reaction. I can understand you being disappointed or even mad at your kid but let John trow him out. I’m the one disappointed and mad at both of you. And now he spent his b-day party without you or what do you think Sam was doing at 6 in the morning, when he left the house? You need to get a grip on your life. Ask for your kid forgiveness and kick your husband butt so he can get the head out of his ass. You are loosing him”

“I Know. I talk to him 2 days ago. I think he may forgive me.”

“Asking for forgiveness it’s not enough. You need to show him”

“I know El. Thanks”

* * *

School day was slow and tedious and after leave Sam at the house Dean goes to the Novak house still thinking about the stupid fight. he has with Cas two days before.

The door opens before he can rang the bell.

”Hi Dean-o. Happy b-day again. everyone is here, you know. Even Luci and Baz. They come to see Cassie and stay for your b-day bash.”

“OH GOD. I’m so not ready for this.” mumble Dean.

“For what Dean-o?? Meet the family. Well. I think that ship sailed a long time ago”

“No. I know I met all but... It’s not that”

“So what it is?? You’re not ditching him, are you?”

“OH no GOD no. I’ll died when I left him. NO. I can’t handle the pressure. He’s injured. We are in a middle of a stupid fight. It’s my b-day and none of my parents called.”

“Well about that... your mom called a few minutes ago to salute you”

“OHHHHH Great. Well... now... I... I... cant Gabe... what if he hates me? It’s my fault. What if...”

“I will stop you right there. He’s not blaming you. He’s blaming himself. I don’t think he’s even mad at you anymore and now let’s bounce”

Cas was in the couch surrounded by his family. Talking to them like they weren’t expecting Dean.

Castiel and Lucifer were the first to look at him. Castiel eyes lighting up, blue becoming bluer. And Lucifer smirking. “Well well Is this not the prodigal boyfriend...”

Dean expression changes at the sight of Cas. Hope and sorrow and sadness and love all reflected at the same time.

“Hi Freckles... Come on Lucy... give my boyfriend a break. Behave at least the first time you see him properly”

Cas raise his arms to Dean and crock his neck to be kissed.

Dean hesitates and Cas notices it but says nothing, waiting.

“Come on Dean-o. We don’t bite. Kiss the poor guy”

Dean lowers and kiss Cas in the lips, soft, tender and very brief. Cas put his arms around Dean’s neck and kiss him properly. And then shush his brothers “Now. You two get the hell out of here. My boyfriend and I need to talk”

The other boys leaves the room complaining.

“I’m sorry” Says Dean sitting beside Castiel.

“For what??” Says Castiel raising an eyebrow. “you save me”

“I wasn’t fast enough” Says dean looking at his hand “I wasn’t by your side like I should”

“That was MY fault freckles. I shouldn’t push you the other day” says Castiel holding one of Dean’s hands. “I should listen to you and not shout and be stubborn prick. I’m sorry for not believing in you. for not understand what you need. For not respect you. I’m sorry for letting you go”

Dean rest his forehead against Cas’s “We are two dumbasses”

“Yes, we are.” Castiel kisses him long and sweet . Building the kiss to a point of no return. “We need to leave the common area now.”

“Your ribs and the injuries”

“Fuck the ribs and my injuries. I need you whatever you are willing to give me.”

Dean looks at him for a long moment and stand up. “I’m carring you upstairs.”

“Princess style again. You have a kink Winchester”

“Yes.... YOU”

They laugh till Castiel’s bedroom. Dean places Castiel on the bed and went to lock the door. “No interruptions today Blue”

“What are you planing Dean?”

Dean lowers his head and looks at the floor “I don’t know yet” and he whispers “I’m maybe ready. I don’t know”

“We’ll see baby. Will see” Dean looses his shoes and socks and touch the gem of his shirt “Do it” Says Castiel and Dean remove all his clothes but his boxers. Then he start undressing Cas. First the tennis and socks. Then the t-shirt. When he grab the pajama pants he hesitates “Do it” says Castiel. As he removes it Dean stop breathing because Castiel is wearing no underwear. So his boyfriend is lying there naked, so naked, and so willing. Well, except for the bandages.

Castiel has a smirk in his face “Yeah. Surprise!! I like to go commando under my pajamas.”

Dean looks at himself. Felling inadequate and overdress and blush.

“Oh he blushed. Come here Winchester. Boxers on are ok. You will loose them eventually and you are so not ready”

“I’m. I need to fell you”

“Yeah. You can fell me in a lot of ways. We don’t need to fuck today. You will regret it”

“I won’t and I want to”

“Stop arguing with me and kiss me Freckles. We’ll see.”

Dean lowers himself over a very very naked Cas and for a moment hesitates. He’s not ready but he want to do it for Cas.

“We are not having sex today... well not all the way at least, Dean. Don’t do it for me. I will be happy with your hands and mouth. Your mouth is awesome and you are getting so good at it. So NO. Even if I want you to fuck me till next Tuesday. I won’t let you. Now stop with the hesitation. We can try a new thing if you are bold enough. Now put your hands on me or I’ll died here!”

Dean kisses him like he was a glass of water after a long day at the sun. The he start to kisses all over Cas. His neck, leaving a hickey that won’t fade away that easy, his collarbone, he takes his time in Cas nipples, he avoid Cas ribs since he didn’t want to hurt him. He starts kissing Cas navel and he stops.

“What Freckles?”  
“You say something about new stuff?”

“OH yeah... you are bold today? really bold or just a little?”

“Maybe” Dean says

“Because you can.. mmm ok let me try this”. Cas open his bedside table and extract a tube. “I will do this myself first and if you are comfortable you can keep doing it. If not you can just blow me.”

Cas open the cap and before he pure lube over his fingers Dean stops him. “NO. I want to do it. Please. Let me.”

“Are you sure?”

“No. I don’t but I like to try”

“OK baby, whatever you want to do it will be amazing for me”

Dean look at Cas like it was the first time. Starstruck again. Cas waits patiently. Smiling at Dean. No pushing no rushing anything just an inviting smile.

“I love you” says Cas and Dean seems to broke the spell on him.  “I assume you like what you see”

“You are gorgeous and I don’t deserve you.” Says Dan caressing Castiel thighs. Lowering to kiss inside of one. Leaving another hickey.

“Are you marking territory?”

“Mine” is all Dean manage.

“Yours. Always”

Dean starts fondling Cas sac while he leaves another hickey in the other thigh. Kissing his way up to Cas shaft. Looking at him while he kiss the tip.

“You will kill me slowly Freckles”

Dean smiles and while he took all of Cas in his mouth a hand slips over his hole. Just touching. Little touches, tentatives like butterfly wings.

“Oh god. I’ll die today and you will be my executioner. Dean.baby.Freckles please. Stop teasing.”

Dean laughs and start bobbing his head. Then without any warning he press a finger in Castiel hole, breaching it. Just to the first knuckle and Castiel cries. Whimpering. Can’t helping it and bucking his hips.

“Oh I’m sorry. Sorry” says Cas. Dean looks at him and stay still. Like waiting and Cas lower his head to complain and see it in Dean eyes. “OH you like it?”

Dean hums and Cas slowly move his hips and the bliss in Dean’s face almost send him to the edge. “OH God Freckles. OH GOD” Cas move his hips once more and Dean close his eyes. “Do you want that? Want to fuck your mouth baby?”

Dean open his eyes and looking at Castiel he grab Cas’s butt and push the shaft deeper into his mouth. “Oh FUCK... fuck fuck fuck... Freckles... stop. I don’t think you are... fuck... ready... fuck”

Dean release Cas’s dick with a plop. “Would you please fuck my fucking  mouth or you need a fucking memo??” He looks at Castiel challenging him still with a finger half way down Cas hole.

Cas smiles and nods. “If that’s what you want”.

“I Do Novak. Now come here so I can return to making you a mess.” Dean lower his head over Cas cock but just licking the tip and at the same time inserting his finger completely.  Cas moans loudly. Dean smiles and took more of him but not quite enough. Cas wails because it’s not enough and starts to move so slowly. Dean, bold with Cas sounds and the sensation of being slowly fucked he start moving his finger in and out and Castiel now it’s a whimpering mess and starts to rock faster and Dean loves it. He swallow and hum and suck hard while Cas fucks him. Cas can’t even think in telling Dean to stop, his brain functions are at the minimum and he shoots his load at Dean throat. Dean keeps sucking and swallows every drop of it. With his finger still inside Cas he start cleaning the shaft with tiny licks. Cas can’t stop whining. “Stop Freckles please stop. Too much” Dean smiles and slowly lick Cas dick from base to tip for the last time while remove his finger.

He lays next to Cas. His cock red and needy. Poking Cas thigh. “I’m sorry, you reach Castiel’s Novak brain answering machine. At the moment we are too busy to respond. Try again later”

“Great I broke him and I’m so horny. What do I do... what do I do?” Says Dean while he stars rubbing his shaft in Cas’s leg. Cas hand reaches Dean’s boxers and release his shaft touching it slowly and that’s all Dean needs to come. Shooting his load over Castiel’s leg with a loud cry.

A few minutes later Castiel says “You really broke me I can’t move. Don’t do that again... “

Dean looks at him wondering... “Are you sure?”

“No. You can do that every day but I’ll loose my brain functions and I won’t be responsible of my acts”

Dean laugh and Cas follows him. After a while laughing. “Baby. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you.”

“Cas I think it’s mandatory to do it while one is being.. well doing that”

“Nothing is mandatory in sex baby. Just consent from your partner. And I didn’t ask so I’m sorry”

“Blue. I love the taste of you so it’s fine. I want it. All of it. Maybe another day I could... you know... me.”

“And I will enjoy it every second.”

They lay for a while and before they fall sleep Cas says “Happy birthday Freckles. It’s your birthday and I receive the present. I own you one”

“NAH. It was the perfect present. You loosing it was perfect.”

Cas whisper to Dean’s chest “I love you”

Dean respond “Best birthday ever

* * *

 

An hour later Gabe enters the room. “OH MY GOD. You are naked. Why are you naked?? And what’s in your leg?... OH MY GOD”

Cas open his eyes. “Well brother, he’s my boyfriend. We do boyfriends stuff INSIDE MY LOCKED bedroom. So if you want to enter do not pick the lock just knock. “

“We were knocking for 10 minutes. I think you were dead or tied to the bed or something” says Gabriel looking to the ceiling. “Can you please cover at least?”

Cas covers them and says “Tell what you come to and leave the room”

“Fathers want to know what’s Dean’s favorite food.”

“Burgers. Curly fries. Onion rings. Bacon cheese burger with onion and peppers. Beer and pie.”

“I know I already made 2 pies”

“I want curly fries and a bacon cheese burger. Now leave so I can wake up Cinderella and get dress”

Gabriel leave the room and Dean open hi eyes “Are you really telling me that I will be eating in front of them knowing that they ...”

“That they know we had sex? We are always having sex and they always knows. What’s the difference today?”

“Because we were naked and they will assume that we... and I... because of your leg... and Gabe will not stop teasing me”

“They will assume we had sex for real and because of my leg Gabe will know... that... OH... oooooooooooh. Freckles being a bottom is nothing to be ashamed off. I love both roles and you will love it too”

Dean blushes and stay quiet. “Come on Freckles let’s get dress and clean. As sooner as we arrive less time Gabe has to tell them anything.”

Once they were presentable Dean help Castiel down the stairs.

A mischievous Gabriel smiles but Lucifer is the one talking. “Look Gabe he can walk. Cassie you must done something wrong.”

“I don’t.. we didn’t... I...” says Dean.

“Luci, Gabe. Stop molesting the b-day boy.” says Richard smiling at Dean “He still can walk and that’s not a sign Cassie done something wrong. Not from we can hear.”

Dean blush furiously red.

“Come on Rick. Do not tease the boy. We still didn’t know if he can sit” Says Robert.

Dean open his mouth to say something but Castiel stops him. “Freckles every word that come out of your mouth will be use against us so let them be”

“Yeah every one who COME out” says Gabriel.

The birthday dinner was perfect. Except for all the teasing from the whole family.

  


 

 


End file.
